HER VIEW
I received an email from a reader the other day asking me how long did my husband and I date before we got married. She said she was in her late thirties and had been dating a guy for more than 6 years..but he has not proposed to her yet. He had various reasons for not proposing: needs to get himself together financially, wants to go back to school and make advancements in his career, etc…
I don’t think she wants to break up with him because she says he is a good guy. My opinion is that she needs to move on because her needs are not being met in that relationship. It does not take 10 years to know if you want to marry a person. If you don’t know within the first year, the chances are, this person is not right for you.
HIS VIEW
Ladies, here’s a guy secret: He knows within the first few weeks if your marriage material, he know’s within the first year if he wants to marry you. After that it’s a free-for-all. Believe me when you see what you want it doesn’t take long to move on it. If it’s taking years and years something else is going on and it’s not because he wants to get himself together. Please don’t fall for that one. Everyone is not perfect nor do they need to be but believe me it’s easier for two people to work on something than one person by him or herself.
Special note to my long, long term relationship folks, maybe it will happen one day but chances are against it and the more you invest the harder it is to leave. In the meantime you could be blocking your blessings. Who knows what your missing out on while your mate boyfriend\girlfriend is messing around.
We’ll be talking more about this soon with additional input from authors and relationship experts so stay tuned… In the meantime let us know what you think the time limits are if any….. leave a comment or if you have a story you’d like for us to consider posting email it to info@blackandmarriedwithkids.com
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6 months – 1 year….
Why do people thank God for sending them someone to shack up with? Is that sincere gratitude? Do they truly believe that God works that way? I have heard ‘believers’ and ‘non-believers’ say that God has blessed them with someone…..that they happen to be living with and happen to be having pre-marital sex with.
When God sends your mate, He will also give you knowledge and wisdom to make the right decisions regarding BOTH parties. He will teach you how to NOT cause the individual to sin against Him.
A mature man will know within the first year of courting the mature woman. The mature woman will know the mature man is ready when he SINCERELY asks her to be his bride.
I think we should take age into consideration. I just turned 20 a few months ago and i’m a rising junior in college. Many of you are saying a man knows within a few months if he wants to marry you and after a year is too long to wait for a proposal. I couldnt imagine myself right now dating a guy and start talking marriage within months or even the 1st year.Now, if you’re like 26, pushing 30, or over, then yes, I do think marriage is something that should be discussed early on in the relationship. If you two don’t plan on growing together and establishing a permanant relationship, what is the point?
As far as money is concerned: you both should know your financial situation so I dont think the female should be expecting a ring if you know he can’t afford 1 and/or a wedding at the time. BUT i also believe, like a lot of people have said, if that man wants to marry you, he knows it. Perhaps he could express that to you, out of respect for you & not wanting to have you going through the motions for years, and show you that he is working towards being able to provide a ring and pay for the wedding because he wants to marry you. With this being said, keep in mind pride issues men have. It may make him feel like less of a man if money is an issue so be compassionate, but not a fool.
My boyfriend of six years is saying that he wants to marry me, but he says he is too young. He is 25 and I am 23 and we live together. I feel like we are stuck in a rut. I think that he thinks since we are already living as if we were married, there is no need for marriage. But he also says that he is getting his financial situation in order to afford a ring and wedding costs, but I need to wait one to two more years. Is this too long to wait? Am I wasting my time and becoming that girl who is always just going to be a girlfriend?
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. We have been talking about marriage for about the past 2 years and we are getting married next year. And I have been perfectly fine with the way things are between us. I think only you can decide for yourself when you will be ready for marriage. But for me, 1 year of dating is not enough time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a very long courtship, as long as both of you are on the same page about your future. If you feel like you’ve been waiting around for a few years and nothing is happening, then move on. But if you are fine just dating for now, no matter how long you have been together, then so be it. Some of you are acting like if a man does not propose after 1 year then he is automatically cheating or he’s just a loser. I don’t get that!
Wow what a topic. As a christian woman I believe that you must first commit yourself to Christ and next your relationship to Him. It’s not easy. Dating can be so confusing when you are totally dependent upon your own “feelings”. The situation becomes even more difficult if a dating couple becomes physically involved (which is against God’s direction), this creates a whole new set of issues and emotions. As far as time, I do agree that it is difficult to put a real specific time line on any relationship because we are all unique and unique in the way that we interact as couples, but I also strongly agree that when you know what you want (especially if you have been in prayer), you go after it (just like a career, or any thing else you want) because you don’t want to risk not getting it and it does not take a long time to figure that out. I agree that age is a factor, in the time line issue, but the older you get the less time it takes to make that decision, for real.
After reading all of these comments I had considered something myself. I have been in a relationship with a guy for the past 3 years but have known him for 5 alltogether. We dated on and off for the first two years but it was mostly developing our friendship.
I lived three hours from him during those two years so it was never really a serious thing.
Then I decided I needed to move back to finish my degree and help my father in his company. After I moved back we started to see each other more often and eventually it blossomed into a relationship.
He is a great guy and thoughtful and sweet but he has not proposed to me after these three years. I could sit here and moap myself and think, well he’s never going to marry me. If he was going to or wanted to he would have dont it already.
However, every person is different. Some people take longer and want to be absolutely sure that theyre with the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. We both come from homes that ended in divorce so we both agree that its important to get to know that person as best as you can.
For me, I would say yes if he asked me but I dont know if he’s there yet and it’s not good to rush someone either. I’ve had plenty of girlfriends who gave their guy an ultimatum of two years and all of them have ended in divorce.
We live in a society where everything is rushed and everything has to be now or else never. If two people are happy together and love being with each other, why put a rush order on things? Just enjoy it and if its meant to happen it will happen.
I see the majority thinking that there should be a time limit on when to propose, even if you havent gotten to know them as good as you should, but I also noticed that the majority of people in america end up in divorce. Maybe people should reconsider what they think is a guideline for marriage.
I just came upon this site. I have been in a relationship for 6 years. We each have our own home, jobs and friends in the same town. His kids are grown and off on their own, my girls are just off to college. I was married for 19 years, husband hit mid-life and left very dramatically. I was very clear when I met and started a new relationship that I am not a dater and that if we took our relationship past friendship it would be with the intention toward marriage. My boyfriend has been married twice before, bad choices both times on his part. We are both smart, involved, educated people. At this point in my life (50) I know that I need to put intellingence over emotion and make a decision. I love him and want to be married to him. The explanations of 1. I want you to achieve your goals first, 2. I have problems communicating with your daughters, 3. (Now that the girls are away at college), I do not want to be the reason your girls do not come home for college holidays – you would begin to resent me.
I believe in us or would not have invested the mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional time into our relationship. He states that he just doesn’t want to make another mistake. I am asking your help, decision making tools. Thanks
I will say that you two are kind of young to get married right now, but it is a topic that you should discuss. Usually in our youth and early twenties we are still growing, developing, and changing into the adults we are meant to become. I would say to try and talk with him about his feelings of the future. Let him know exactly how you feel and what you want. By doing this you will be able to determine what is best for you in the long run because you are still young and have plenty of time to find someone who wants the same things out of life that you want. If he doesn't want the same thing then you may have to go your separate ways. Leaving is the hardest part, but if you keep looking back at what was instead of forward to what could be then you will be missing out on all the possibilities of life. I hope this helps. I have recently had to make this same desicion and I was with my ex for 8 years. I don't want anyone to have to go through that length of time to discover that the person they have spent all those years on is not the one. Both parties have to be on the same page.
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