Got Marriage? How Long Is Too Long To Date?
HER VIEW
I received an email from a reader the other day asking me how long did my husband and I date before we got married. She said she was in her late thirties and had been dating a guy for more than 6 years..but he has not proposed to her yet. He had various reasons for not proposing: needs to get himself together financially, wants to go back to school and make advancements in his career, etc…
I don’t think she wants to break up with him because she says he is a good guy. My opinion is that she needs to move on because her needs are not being met in that relationship. It does not take 10 years to know if you want to marry a person. If you don’t know within the first year, the chances are, this person is not right for you.
HIS VIEW
Ladies, here’s a guy secret: He knows within the first few weeks if your marriage material, he know’s within the first year if he wants to marry you. After that it’s a free-for-all. Believe me when you see what you want it doesn’t take long to move on it. If it’s taking years and years something else is going on and it’s not because he wants to get himself together. Please don’t fall for that one. Everyone is not perfect nor do they need to be but believe me it’s easier for two people to work on something than one person by him or herself.
Special note to my long, long term relationship folks, maybe it will happen one day but chances are against it and the more you invest the harder it is to leave. In the meantime you could be blocking your blessings. Who knows what your missing out on while your mate boyfriend\girlfriend is messing around.
We’ll be talking more about this soon with additional input from authors and relationship experts so stay tuned… In the meantime let us know what you think the time limits are if any….. leave a comment or if you have a story you’d like for us to consider posting email it to info@blackandmarriedwithkids.com
(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
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Waiting to get your money right, or finishing school is a valid reason to wait to get married, however, when you’ve been dating for six years and are in your thirties that excuse gets a little old. I have a two year rule for dating where you either go or leave the bathroom and think a year might be a bit fast but then i’m not married yet so can’t call it.
I could maybe bend to 2 but I still think in the first year you know. When you meet the one you want to marry it doesn’t take years of convincing to know. Also on a side note fellas- you put all of the cool stuff away and do what you normally wouldn’t that’s another sign she’s the one.
I think she needs to leave him asap. He’s never going to marry her. He’s wasting her time because she’s allowed him to for 6 years. She’s too old to be in the dating game for 6 years with one dude who is still “considering her”.
I agree with the one year rule. I think two years is too long to be bothered with someone who is uncertain. I am going through that now. It has bee two years for me an I’m in my late twenties. I’m done because we want to move in different directions. The break up would have been easier if I would have left this time last year. I also believe that there should be a mutual understanding in the beginning of the relationship of each others expectations and wants. It makes it much easier and you waste less time.
I agree with the previous statement that a year is the typical length to predict the long term goals of your relationship, but a second year is not a bad idea if the couple is young or just reluctant. I personally, wouldnt have given one man the title of my exclusive s/o for 6 years and are relationship has not progressed.
I believe the guy in the scenerio is stringing the lady along. He has too many excuses which means he is unsure (not willing to make a choice) or is playing mind games. IMO….marriage and having children are just some of those things you are never truly prepared for. That is why those that choose those options are stepping out on faith and the belief both parties will do what is needed to make the next stage in their lives a success. Now, I’m not in anyway suggesting the lady should put the pressure on the man, but I definately think she shold reevaluate the title she has given him in her life.
While I agree that one year is enough time to know if a person is right for you, I feel that the topic should have been discussed within the first six months of the relationship. During the process of getting to know one another, views on marriage, children and money are important topics that warrant some dialogue.(This is assuming that the two people involved are mature adults) i have been in a serious relationship for almost seven years now and we have built a very loving and stable family. We both have been married before and I have two children from my previous marriage. We also have a son together. We often converse about the marriage thing — not because it is a big deal for us — but because it is a big deal for everyone else. We love each other just as much as any other MARRIED couple, maybe more than some. We’ve heard it all — the religious, the it’s-only-right, the do-it-for-the-children, etc. My kids are our kids. I could go on and on regarding this subject. So to sum it up, if the two people involved are not on one accord in regards to ANY topic, the relationship is doomed. Even if you agree to disagree, as long as niether harbors any ill-well. If she wants to and he doesn’t — DOOMED!!! Cut your losses and run. But if both are happy with the status quo, leave them be. Society puts enough pressure on them without having to eal with family and friends. And one last note before I get it from your readers. Our children are fine and happy. I would rather them see mom and dad ridiculously in love and not afraid of expressing it than feeling like there is something amiss. My boys will learn to love and respect women no matter the situation and responsibility on all levels.
I agree with the prevoius post and his view. I disussed marriage with my current husband after 6 months. The conversation went like this: I told him that I’d give him a year to propose, if he was serious, or I was out. I was 25 at the time, tired of dating, and noticing more and more that a lot of my single friends were having no luck finding husbands of their own. Needless to say we got engaged about six months later and we’re currently married. I think “he” was on the money with the blocking your blessings comment. I know so many women that have stayed in dead end relationships for way too long and as a result don’t know how to let go.
But this is the question I want answered! Why does there seem to be such a high number of single black women vs. other ethnic groups? I’m sorry, I just don’t buy the whole the black men are in jail theory.
BTW I love this blog!
As I’ve grown older; I’ve found out that you really do know what you want. After waisting plenty of money and millions of minutes; I found out that I wasn’t really in it for the long haul. But, when I idled down and opened my eyes to what was true. It didn’t even take a year to know that it was time. If you truely find yourself into someone; and you know in your heart that it could work. Mix a lot of love and prayer in that pot. It is possible that you could find yourself in front of a preacher within two years.
I pretty much agree with all the comments about the two year period. Anything more is usually whatever person is not interested in taking the next step, way of stalling. Usually there is something about the other person’s characteristics that is show stopper, which leads to people trying to change what they don’t like or hanging around until something comes along better so they can break out. Also from my experiences I have noticed that some women don’t like to be alone, in which they could use that time to work on their own personal growth. Instead they stay in dead end relationships way to long, just to say they have someone. As the ” Dad ” referred to in his comments earlier ” All they are doing is blocking there blessings “.
Also if a man is into you and sees a future with you, he is going to ask you to be his wife because he doesn’t want to lose you to the next brother. Ever hear the saying ” She is a keeper. ” So ladies if you are creeping over the two year mark into “No Man’s Land” (No pun intended) tell your partner that you think it is time for you two to go your separate ways. This reality check will either have him step up to the plate because he doesn’t want to lose and just need a little jump start due to commitment issues, or he will breakout and due his own thing which means he never was going to marry you in the first place. All you did was just save yourself time and heart ache. Now you can move down the road to finding real love.
I know some people who have been “playing house,” with kids, for years, now under the auspices of a common law marriage. I feel like this, if you have many of the trappings of marriage but none of the commitment, then who is benefitting and/or not benefitting from the arrangement? Oftentimes, it’s the woman putting all of her cards on the table, while the man … as old-school as it sounds … gets his milk, cheese and eggs for free!
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I completely agree with this post! Especially as people get older - at a certain age you know yourself (what you want, what you need in a partner). Theres no need to date someone more than 1-2 years tops! Unless, of course, youre one of those who does not believe in marrige…then thats another discussion all together, lol.
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I don’t adhere to the two-year rule, or any set rule regarding the time it takes to propose, marry, have sex, whatever. I just find them to be so arbitrary, and for no good reason. My parents dated for six years before getting married, and my mother was 40 when they finally did. She’ll be 61 this year, and they’re still married. Actually, that holds for all three of my aunts and my uncle as well; they all dated for a LONG time before marrying, and are happily married today. By the two-year rule, none of them would have ever married.
I’ve dated the same guy for three years consistently, and for three years prior to that off and on. The off and on was on both of our parts: we met when I was in law school and him in medical school. Yes, our careers were our priorities. Just waiting for either of us to finish school would push us outside of the 2-year mark mentioned so frequently. Both of us needed time to determine what we wanted.
We’ve done that, but neither of us is in a rush to get married. Heck, I’m a divorce attorney. I see people ALL DAY who’ve adhered to a rule and found out that they didn’t know the person they married. They thought they knew what they wanted, but didn’t give themselves a sufficient opportunity to see what they got. As sad as it is, it keeps me in business. Everyone has to do what’s best for them; my only rule of thumb is to NOT let someone else’s rules govern your decisions. That’s the definition of a true adult.
As most of the previoius comments stated, i agree that you pretty much know sooner than later and certainly within a 6yr time frame, granted there are certain cirucmstances that may delay the actual marriage that are acceptable, and when considering marrige i personally believe that you should somewhat have your act together before considering marriage (and that goes for both parties) while it may be a little easier for two to come together and work things out as opposed to one person - you also run the risk of putting an un-necesary strain on the relationship- whether its finances, school, kids, jobs, etc..love may conquer all but it surely doesn’t solve all. And all too often people are not honest with themselves and/or their mates in terms of what they want and in most cases that’s really where the problem lies. most men are usually not forthcoming with their feelings, and most women always want to “know” as soon as we fall in love where the relationship is going - and then the woman talks herself into waiting thinking that eventually he’ll come around or change his mind - NOT!! once you start dating seriously is when you might want to discuss the relationship in realistic terms and then you work towards whatever goals you have for the relationship and then have whatever relationship that works best for both. It’s a little harder to back track after the fact let alone 6yrs but it ’s never too late to do what’s best for you - and not continue to live a lie and hoping on a wing and a prayer that a ring will fall out of the sky! and amen on the blocking your blessings comments!!
Never date anyone for more than 2 or 3 years, its 2008 not 1965 when people dated for 15 and 20 years because everyone else was doing it. If you don’t love me enough to want me full-time and long-term after 3 long ass years, F** YOU! And the only conversation we should have is about the kids, you had your chance!.
If you’re not serious and you two don’t have kids together, why are you still holding on?
The thrill is long gone, BYE BYE!
I tuly believe it only takes one year to know.. I think men usually know within a few months of dating. It is very simple with us. I have been in a year and some change relationship and in the beginning I felt we werw going to marry her, but she had her representative in full effect for the first few months or maybe I overlooked certain situation?
But now I know she isn’t the one and we have invested alot within each other. Deep in my heart I know I need to leave, and she knows that too.. But she always fights to keep me when I breakup with her.
I agree and disagree with the two year.
1. Why are you so worried about getting married.
2. Married with not make you happy, if you not already
3. People should get married when they are ready not when society think’s so.
4. Why are so many People of Color not happy in there Marriage.
5. Marriage is bless ONLY when GOD is First in your Marriage.
6. Don’t try to change your lady or man.
7. I could go on and on!
8. I’m finish with this soapbox.
Maybe I am confused, but rushing into marriage does not seem like a good idea. One year is enough to know that you like someone not neccessarily that you love them and can most importantly that you can work with them.
I am 24, which is the major reason I am not married, I have been in a relationship for 4 years. We are taking our time and not rushing.
In cases of young and old statistics say it is bext to date for about 3 years. I say it is best to be open and honest and you will know whether your relationship is moving forward or not. if not move on, but dont set arbitrary dates.
So what about Jay Z and Beyonce? Weren’t they together for about 5 or 6 years before it happenned?
Do they get a pass because they have busy lives? What if me and my man have busy lives too?
She seems happy and so does he.
Wow, this is quite a topic. I’ve seen it from both sides (kind of). I know someone who had achieved many of the goals on her “list” of things she wanted to do in life. Got ready to turn 30 and realized she had one on her “list” she had accomplished — marriage. Met a guy and was married within a few months. The marriage bombed.
I, on the other hand, will not even consider getting serious with a man until we become “FRIENDS FIRST”, and that takes some time, not to mention that I still have yet to meet the guy to get started on the friendship. Men typically don’t like that idea. But if they want me they have to realize, that’s something I want enough to make it be that way, or no way. I’m not putting any time frame on it. Some friendships develop quickly, especially if we really click. I’m just saying they have to invest in getting to KNOW ME, and not just my body BEFORE we make any intimate moves. Yeah, yeah, that sounds like something out of the 50’s. But I bet I’ll get a good man and we’ll have a good relationship, and I sure won’t have a STD!!
My motto: “Friendship Is The Gateway To A Deeper Relationship” (c)
Wow, this is quite a topic. I’ve seen it from both sides (kind of). I know someone who had achieved many of the goals on her “list” of things she wanted to do in life. Got ready to turn 30 and realized she had one on her “list” she had accomplished — marriage. Met a guy and was married within a few months. The marriage bombed.
I, on the other hand, will not even consider getting serious with a man until we become “FRIENDS FIRST”, and that takes some time, not to mention that I still have yet to meet the guy to get started on the friendship. Men typically don’t like that idea. But if they want me they have to realize, that’s something I want enough to make it be that way, or no way. I’m not putting any time frame on it. Some friendships develop quickly, especially if we really click. I’m just saying they have to invest in getting to KNOW ME, and not just my body BEFORE we make any intimate moves. Yeah, yeah, that sounds like something out of the 50’s. But I bet I’ll get a good man and we’ll have a good relationship, and I sure won’t have a STD!!
As far as the engagement goes, I think if we spend enough time getting to know each other as friends before we commit to an engagement, then the engagement needs to be only long enough to plan the wedding.
My definition of friends prior to going into an emotional commitment: No strings; Just be real with each other, and allow each other to be free before committing; Allow each other to be ourselves — if we don’t like each other this is the time to find out; and Don’t hold each other accountable for more than human respect.
My motto: “Friendship Is The Gateway To A Deeper Relationship” (c)
1st of all some one took my name so i had to use an alternative LOL. This is a very intersting topic. I am giving advise based on experience. I am near 40 and i have been married twice and now going thru my second divorce. I did it differnt both times. The first marriage we we re associates and we were not intimate for a year and then we dated for a year and then we were married. Well 5 years later we were divorced as we just grew apart. My current marriage I tried inspirational love at first sight with gettig to know the lord as our most common bond. We were married after 6 weeks and well 3 months later we were moving out from each other. So who is to say what is right. I do find the most common problem i see with Women of today. They dont have that stay together against all odds and make the marriage work. yeah im old fashioned because I have examples of marriages lasting thru whatever. My grand parents are 85 and 83 and have been married for 60+ years i also have an aunt who has been married for 40+ years so I remain optimistic. I will agree and say waiting too long with your current mate could be potentially blocking the 1 from entering your life. While i also agree that you should try to become friends first. Here is a News Flash Sweetest Love. You could still get an STD. Just because a guy may be willing to wait to get with you intimately, sometimes as long as it will take. That does not mean he dont have some other chick satifying him until you all take it to the next level. so you could still fall victim of an STD! just something to think about.
My bf and I have been dating for 5 years and 1 month. Im 21 and hes 23. I just think that if he has not proposed to me yet he is not sure and I have a feeling that I should break up with him because I feel that hes never going to commit. I really think that I should break up with him but at the same time I am afraid that I will make the wrong decision. Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I continue the relationship or should I cut him loose?
As Christians, my husband and I didn’t have any choice but to get married young. We’d dated for 6 mths, got ready to move beyond the whole kissing/feeling up thing, and wanted to be up under each other 24/7-forever. I wasn’t selling myself short w/ the “shacking” mess (plus i already had a 3 yr old son to set an example for) so we set a date for 6 mths later for our wedding.
We’ve been married for 2 1/2 yrs now, both still in college, working, even had a new baby girl, and through God’s grace, we are living and making it just fine. God blesses his people that obey him and honor him.
I recommend women run from men that are not saved. They are a waste of time and will block your blessings.
Play the role- if you act like a queen and demand the best like a queen, you will be treated like one
Line everything up in your relationship with God first. He will send your husband to you when it is time.
i’ve been with my boyfriend for 3yrs and we are going to wait atleast another year to get married. he has one year left of school and then he will have a job that can support a family. right now, we can’t really afford to be married. we have to wait. BUT we do make sure to ‘check’ ourselves. every little bit, we have the marriage conversation again to make sure where we are heading. when relationships go on this long, some people get lost and are on auto pilot. we make sure that we are not on auto pilot and that we are together becuase we want to meet the same goal…marriage. if you’re together for a long time and marriage conversations don’t happen easily, then maybe it’s just not right. stop dating, take a break, date other people….doing all of these things does not eliminate the possibility of you still marrying that person. it could still work, but maybe the relationship needs a break, maybe one of you needs to grow a litlte more in order to know if you’re ready for marriage…to anyone. get back to it later after you’ve experienced things a little more. see how you feel when you both date other people. i cringe when people do not date atleast a year before marrying. three years in a relationship and i KNOW there is no way i could have known enough about him to have committed my whole life…and my kids lives away to him. it’s a very important decision. get to know them the best you can. if you really need to speed things up, for whatever reason, make a list of questions for him to answer and try to get to know him that way. i have dated a lot of people and atleast three of them have lasted a year or more and the rest of them have been short term relationships. i am 23, just graduated college and i thank God every day that i have waited and not been swept away by my silly feelings. i don’t care if God himself came and pointed out mr right and set it all up to be possible….knowing what i know now, i still would have waited. a person has growing to do before they can grow with someone else. know urself before you get to know someone else like that. pick the best person, not just the person you happen to be with that happens to be great. they could be perfect….but not perfect for you. just make the right decision. no matter how in love you are, love yourself the most and choose the right person (’right’ in every category). THEN get carried away and love passionately and have children and so on. you can have those feelings with practically anyone, why not have them with the right one, even if it takes a little searching. search a lot, have a little fun, date around. it’s your last chance to do that and there are many, many choices. think of your happiness and your kids happiness as well. AND the guys happiness…as in, do you know you’re not right for him, but he’s so perfect you’re gonna let him marry you anyways. lol. don’t do that, you’ll both be miserable.
This man is never going to marry her, if he hasnt already done so in 6 years! I knew within the first few weeks/months that my wife was the one. We dated for a year and was engaged for a year. Almost 2 years to the day that we first met, we were getting married and that was 3 years ago. I know couples who married after 6 months and have good healthy marriages. I think this guy is stalling. This woman needs to find her a man who finds her worthy of marriage.
Well, this article definitely cut me, but it was just minor I have been dating my guy for 7 years and we have a 2 y.o daughter we just bought a condo, and we just had the marriage talk for the zillionth time. I am 23 he is 25 he just finished college, and things are really starting to fall in place but the odd part is even though we aren’t married and not even engaged I know my ring is coming and when God says so It will come to pass… I am patiently waiting…
Pink Girl… If you are happy regardless, stick with him if he is a good man it will come…just don’t get pregnant!!!
Hello! Nice website! I came here looking for info my sister. While I am on the other side of the fence (my sweetie and I don’t want kids or marriage and we’ve been together for 9 years!) I don’t think I would take a man years and years to propose. Ladies, don’t waste your youth. I know of so many women that wishes they could turn back time.
Hello everyone this is pinkgirl. i just wanted to give you guys an update on the decision i made. I broke up with my bf who i was dating for 5 years. Its been like 2 months since we broke up and now he saying he wants to marry me but I told him that now im not sure. Before i broke up with him I let him know that i was wondering when we were going to get married and that we have been dating for too long….he brought up all kinds of excuses and said that there was no need to rush and that i needed to be patient. Anyway now he calls me and says he want to get married and is ready to buy the ring, but I said, “be patient, there is no need to rush, and i need to think about it”. I do need to think about it because now im not sure.
Pinkgirl, I read your previous response and my first thought was that perhaps your boyfriend was right to wait. After all, you were dating five years, but you are still very young. Though I don’t know for sure, I imagine it is somewhat similar to my relationship where most of the time you’ve been dating you have been in school/trying to begin a career. I have been dating my boyfriend for five years now and we’ve been living together for two. Since we began dating in college, I understood that he wouldn’t be ready to get married those first few years because we were still in college, graduating, and finding jobs. Now that we have settled into our careers, I have started revisiting the subject and at 25 I expect that he knows whether he wants to by now. Our relationship is great so I’m sure it will happen, but I’m obviously not going to wait around several more years without some commitment.
Perhaps I’ve strayed from the purpose of my post…but my point is: if he is really important to you, give him this chance, but also, don’t rush him to make a decision that could end up being costly and devastating in the end if he just jumps into it.
I found this blog as i was confused and searching on why men are wating so long to even propose. I read so many mixed ideas…but to say about me i’m fu$$$%ing tired of waiting for my bf who i have been dating for 6 eyars. I’m late twenties and he is early 30s We know for sure that we are for eachother …..unless i am wrong in his side. But he is still waiting….to even think about our future life. I talk to him several times. His excuse is money, untill he/we have enough $, but hey no one saves enough $ ever. i don’t really know what to do and i’m confused even if there is love and respect aound there, there is no progress 6 years feels very long to me…i dont know what to do.
There should not be a time limit on a relationship as long as both parties are on the same page. If either party strongly desires a relationship, then I would say then it’s time to cut your losses. But if both people are content within their relationship, then by all means live your life. The world is too messed up already without more people jumping into marriages that they never should have been in anyway.
I have a friend that’s been in a relationship for a year. They recently got engaged. People continuosly question her on why she’s getting married so soon. This infuriates me because it upsets her and it’s irrelevant. They are in love and they feel like they have what it takes to make a marriage work, so who’s to say that their marriage would be successful if they waited another year or 2 vs. getting married now?
Life is too short to impose your beliefs and lifestyle choices on someone else. Just live your life.
Oh and for anyone that wants to know: I am married. It will be 4 yrs. in January. We have 2 kids and we are beyond happy. And the shocker: We only knew each other for *gasp* 3 months before we got married. If a marriage is going to be successful, it’s going to be successful whether the parties have been together for 3 months or 3 years. Marriages are hard work and as long as the people are willing to work hard and sacrifice and compromise, it will be successful.
6 years is kind of a long time to wait on a ring though. If 6 years had gone by and I didn’t see myself leaving him anytime soon, then I would just resign myself to being his girl for the rest of my life. I feel like you can’t talk about the way things should be and then accept anything less than that. The lady is selling herself short by allowing him to give her those excuses if she’s made it clear that she is in it to get married.
My best friend is going through this now. It was 3yrs this mth she is 32 he is 30. They discussed marriage in the past he was all aboard although he made it very known he has a major fear of divorce, that being said a few mths back he confessed that he wasnt sure if he ever wanted to get married then it changed to well I may want to get married but just not right now so she is torn and I am frankly tired of hearing her go back and forth. She has a 6yr but wants more kids in the future and to be married.
I am single which feels like forever but like Kim C said God will bless me with a hubby in due time. To the blogger who said they told their boo at 6mths he basically had 6mths to propose how romantic was that? Glad it worked out but I dont want to ever feel like im pressuring any man to marry me. I do want to be married and I will let that be known in a more tactful way. At my age(32) no kids I do not have 3-4 yrs to date before saying I do. I am just going to continue to pray and wait on God and let him direct my path.
For the ppl who do not want to be married I am glad you know such and found partners who were ok with that. Honesty is the key.
As far as Jay Z and Beyonce(somebody commented on them) I am a stickler for age and feel he is to old for her and they dated so long cause she had a career and she was to young to say I do. She just turned 27 this yr. They do nothing for me as couple but I do love Barack/Michelle and Will/Jada.
my husband said he knew right away that i was “the one.” it took me nine more months to come to that revelation. LOL
seriously, though, it doesn’t take 6 years to figure it out. i’m all for people getting to know one another, but if it don’t fit, don’t force it.
take as long as you need. If the person is for you then everything will be ok. People make is seem like the marriage is the easy part. Marriage is work no matter how long you date your spouse. By not getting married to that person might actually save you in the long run. Every one is quick to say get married get married but it is serious is business. Marriage is work!
I am one of those people in a serious long term relationship (3 1/2 years) who is being verbally assaulted by everyone I know about why we aren’t married yet. One well-intentioned (I hope)friend even went so far as to say I should move on if “its not going anywhere.” Well, I am so sick and obviously irritated by everyone sticking their nos in my business and trying to impose their on arbitrary thoughts and opinions on my life especially when none of them ever consulted with me regarding their decisions. One of the things that irritates me most is no oner ever asks me if I’m happy. No one ever stops to think that maybe I am enjoying being with this man. That after a slew of horrible relationships, that I actually enjoy being a part of a healthy, loving relationship. I resent that strengthening of our bond is being casually reduced to “no progress” because we haven’t yet married. The real question I think people need to ask is if they are happy. For me, marriage is not the goal. I know plenty of people who are miserable in their marriage, but, hey, they’ve progressed. No, for me, I’d much rather marry someone who I’m happy with. Someone, who I’ve taken the time to get to know, and he me. Someone with whom my family knows and loves and vice-versa. I’m not looking to get married. My goal is to stay married. And, I thank God for sending this man to me and allowing us to start our lives together. In due time, we’ll seal the commitment that we’ve already made for all the world to see just in time for people to harass us about when we’re gonna have kids… Be blessed.
you know i been with the same guy for 9 yrs. and we are both in our 40s i will be 45 tomorrow and he just turned 47 we have lived together for the past 7 yrs and it has been great 2 yrs ago we got engaged and we will marry in the next few months, you know i hear some people talking about 1 year 2 years and the majority of you who rush into marriage don’t realize what you are getting until it’s to late, i believe in getting to know someone inside out befor taking that plunge into marriage i know everything about my s.o. and he me, we even complete each others sentences we know what we want,like,dislike,and can’t stand and i’ll bet that we will be married longer than some people that we know who got married after 1 year and guess what the honeymoon was over long before it started so like judge mabelean from divorce court says look deep before you leap.i’m just sayin
My husband and I “DATED” for about 2 months before we got engaged. Everyone was surprised. It was the second go round for both of us, and we are both in our mid/late 30’s. I truly believe that when you know, you know. We have had our ups and downs, but the growth that we experience is together. I believe that it makes us stronger because we’ve committed to making it work no matter what. There have been times when we wanted to abandon ship (if ya knew us, you’d know, lol), but what we’ve discovered is that our “contract” with God is more important than any momentary disagreement. We DEFINITELY didn’t know everything about each other, and I don’t know what hubby would say, but as for me, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I have friends that say to me, “T. we always thought that you were too forward in telling a guy what you were looking for right off the bat (within the first couple of “dates”/phone conversations)”, but now they understand that with three children I had to make sure what I needed was what he was willing to provide, and visa versa. We’ve had some bumps in the road, but atleast it was laid on the table in the beginning, and not in the middle.
@EnT Love - I don’t think anything is wrong with making it known what you’re looking for. That way if that person knows they aren’t looking for the same thing you can both keep it moving.
So true! I dated a man for 7.5 years, he proposed to me after the 5th year because he was afraid of loosing me. 2 and a half years after the engagement, no wedding. He had every excuse in the book. I was tired of being in a dead end relationship so I left. Months later I met the man of my dreams! My true soulmate. Moved in with him within months and got married after 1 year. We have been happily married now for 4 years!
Girlfriend, if a man tells you he’s waiting to get himself together, he is lying! I waited for my EX to marry me and he had the same lame ass excuses! key word here is “EX”
My husband now, says he knew I was the marrying kind after about 2-3 months and, he knew he would marry me after about 9 months. We have been together for 3 years and engaged for one of those 3. I have been married now for 2 weeks and 2 days.Beleive me, a man knows.
I believe that a man definitly knows if you are “the marrying type” with in weeks/months of knowing you. I was 16 and my husband was 19 when we met. He told me a month to the day that he wanted to marry me. He actually perposed after we had been together for a year. Granted, I wasn’t old enough to get married but he wanted me to know that I was who he wanted. Due to our age difference and the fact that he had more experience then me, I wanted to date more. So he continued to spoil me and treat me like his “African Princes”…(thats what he called me)and made it extremely obvious that I was who he wanted. Because I wasn’t sure and constantly hearing comments from friends that he had to be a dog or pursuing me while pursuing others I decided to date other people in hopes of be certain that we were right for each other.
I eventually joined the military at 21 years old to get away from the relationship and to see if we were truly meant to be. I knew we were after I came back home years later we picked up where we left off. We dated and learned each other for 12 years total. At the comfortable age of 28 I got married and have no regrets. We have now been married for 2 years, have a beautiful 2 year old son (with no kids outside of the marriage) and are happier then either one of us could have imagined. Because we waited he was able to graduate from college (with his masters degree) focused and I was able to see parts of the world and join a union that was even better then I/we could have ever imagined.
We have a frequent conversation between us two, he believes that we could have been happily married over 10 years ago. I, on the other hand, have to make my point that I/we were not the same people that we are now. I was the one in our relationship who was unsure of wanting to be married. I haven’t seen any (ZERO) positive role models when it comes to marriage in general and just wanted the comfort of knowing that we were walking into a union with both eyes wide open and both feet planted firmly on the ground.
@ Nicole
Prison is a huge part of the shortage of black men and reason for so many single black women. 1 in 9 black men (ages 20-34) are in prison, as opposed to other races which are 1 in 30. 20-34 are the ages that men start to prepare themselves to marry (i.e. dating, maturing, college, establishing a career etc.). So if this large part of our population is incarcerated then they are not building the necesary foudnation, marrying, nor taking care of children they may have already.
On waiting 6 years…
I think men and women alike know within the first few weeks if the person is a keeper. Then take some time, a year or two, depending on your lifestyle to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with them.
But it is important to get your goals out there on the front end of the relationship. If s/he knows that you are looking for a spouse then if that is not want they want then they can get ‘ta stepping immediately and not waste your time.
NO ONE CAN EVER BE PREPARED FULLY FOR MARRIAGE! But there is nothing wrong with MUTUALLY deciding to wait to accomplish a PARTICULAR goal, like finishing school or getting a job. But waiting on someone to just genereally get themselves together is an excuse. You dont want an undefined or unmeasurable goal. And you have to realize that in marriage you will have to do a lot of your growing together.
My husband and I dated for 1 year, were engaged for 1 year, then married. I was in grad school in my husbands home state when we met and I made sure my husband knew within the first year that unless we were planning on getting married I would be moving back to my home state when I graduated and would not do a long-distance relationship (i had already done that once and hated it.) He was free to decide if he wanted to marry me or just date until I graduated (it also let us know if we really wanted to invest the time and emotion.)
Personally speaking, weither you get married or not, it should be a unamious decision and if it takes time to make up your mind, then take all the time you need. People get divorced everyday because they jumped into something too soon. Personally, I am not marriage material and this I know for a fact!
I was in a going-nowhere-fast, five-year relationship–or, like you said–a blessing blocker. Funny thing is that it didn’t take long for my blessing to appear, once I got out of that relationship. After being single a year-and-half detachment phase and three months or so after I decided to start dating again I met the “one”. Like you said, we both knew not only that we were marriage material (for each other) but that we were actually soul mates and each other’s gift from God.
Even better, I held out for a man that would honor my committment to the Lord to refrain from pre-marital sex. I knew he was the one as soon as he said it would be an honor for him to take that journey with me. Praise God!
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Brandi said:
Personally speaking, weither you get married or not, it should be a unamious decision and if it takes time to make up your mind, then take all the time you need. People get divorced everyday because they jumped into something too soon. Personally, I am not marriage material and this I know for a fact!
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I am not sure why I revisited this post, but I am glad I did. Many ppl do rush into marriage and some get so comfortable that they don’t even consider it any more. You mentioned that you know for a fact that you are not “marriage material”. Some ppl think this because they don’t “feel worthy” or because their parents divorced. Some don’t want or consider being married or having kids because they are afraid of “what if I suck at being a parent or a spouse”. There is a person for all of us to share our life with willing, ready and able to accept us as we are and even if we make them an “instant family”, once we say our I dos. Many ppl are afraid of commitment or the work it takes to be someones spouse. It is only hard if one has too much time on their hands to ‘over estimate/examine it. Every parent wants to know that their chid has found someone to love and someone to love them. Marriage may not be for everyone but I say that if you have not tried it, consider it. Nobody gets stoned for getting a divorce. My brother-in-law said so many years ago, ” everyone should get married at least once for the experience”. To me, I now understand what he was saying. 1. You can’t talk about something you have not tried/experienced 2.If you are not willing to give it your all, you just wasted your time/years but learned a lesson along the way. I don’t belive in getting married over and over again until you decide it’s not right for you. I think ppl do fall in love with the idea of being married and the big wedding day and forget that “I took vows/said vows and of course there are reasons for a divorce in some circumstances, but if one makes it a habitual event to divorce they need pshyc help. LOL.
I’ve read every last comment made on this blog and honestly I have pro’s and cons on the whole “time” thing. If you think your “unsure” about somebody or marriage give yourself not 2 but 3 years. 1 to enjoy eachothers time and company. 2 to really get to know the guy or girl. 3 to understand likes and dislikes and put them into action. If you found that one person who was just everything you want or need in that time or less you are truely blessed.
I myself was with a man for 3 years and at the time i thought everything was going good. So we had a child. Yes she was unplanned but i look at her as my love child because we where in love. And when they say child change everything they do! We’ve talked about marriage before she came. but it just never happened. After the 3 years of our relationship, still nothing. So i left. And was happy. But i knew i was missing something and i knew my child was too.
18months after me and her father split i met a wonderful man. Now at the time we where just friends and enjoying eachothers company. But now that my daughter is going to be 2 in april me and him have had the conversation of marriage. Even talking about having a child together and getting his daughter on a full time bases. Tho we dont live together and I myself is still in school, he on the other hand has a very stable career and he always tells me. “I know your a good women”; I feel as if i need to press for marriage but he knows we need to watch.
All I’m saying is dont put a time frame on what you what or need but just to look at your surroundings and situation and decide from there whats best for you.
I tried to read all of the comments. The only thing I agree with is that there should not be some set rule but ONLY because there are too many outliers.
If you meet some guy at 18 and date for 6 six years that certainly is going to affect your life differently than it is if you meet some guy at 34 and he wants to date for six years and still no marriage–quite frankly, if you want to have kids, at 34 you may not have that six years to wait on him to make up his mind and still have enough viable eggs to have a baby once you get through that long engagement and wedding planning stage you most likely will want to adhere to.
Once a woman is in her 30’s any man who wants to date for longer than two years is disrespecting you and wasting your time UNLESS neither of you wants a family. This time limit doesn’t affect him because he can always have his own biological kids.
And what you want at 18 is likely going to change at 24 or 25 NOT TO MENTION that if your significant other is in the same age range, you both probably need to be more focused on educating yourselves and/or figuring out a way to afford to make a life together if that’s what you truly want. I would say only a small percentage of folks these days in that age range can do this successfully simply because 18 years of today are not as mature as 18 year olds were a generation ago. Extended adolescence anyone?
So, who cares about two 18 year olds dating 5 or 6 years? Guess what? If that relationship doesn’t work they are still only 24 or 25 and have plenty of time to meet someone else. That’s kind of why dating begins in the teens. Typically when we speak about the older generation dating for prolonged periods of time, it was dating that began as teenagers, not thirty-somethings. Apples and Oranges.
Frankly, if someone in their mid 30’s is still “finding themselves” –and I’m not talking thinking about going back to school for another degree or changing career paths–I’m talking is 34 and still acting like they are 25 and deciding what they want to be when they grow up then IMHO— they are not mature enough to get married or even be in a committed relationship. By the time you hit 30 you should have a plan or be revamping the old one, but not still trying to formulate the plan . And you should know whether marriage and/or kids is a priority in that plan and what you need to do to make it happen, if so. MEN AND WOMEN. I would say more so men because most women have prioritized marriage from an early age. Not all, but most.
The other common discussion is waiting on finances/education. This is hard one for me. See, my parents came from the old school, when black people got married in their early to mid 20’s and are still married to this day and no one thought anything of living in a one bedroom apartment with one car while the two of you were trying to get your careers off the ground. They considered it a testament of their committment that they could support and grow TOGETHER in these situations. They didn’t feel it was necessary to wait until one of them had checked off a certain number of their goals OR had hit a certain income bracket to get married if they felt they were with the right person.
This a new phenomenon that isn’t working for a whole lot of people. Namely, black women. There’s a paradigm shift at work here. Black men were long villified for not having their stuff together financially so many decent men committed to that goal OVER pursuing relationships. No work-life balance for them.
As a result black women (women tend to be better balancers and multi-taskers generally speaking) were pursued by men with no career ambitions and/or stable employment, made babies with them, and created a cycle we can’t get out of.
Which, in turn, put a premium on black men with jobs and no kids— and created a dynamic where single women without kids are fighting for those black men with no kids ALONG WITH the black women who are divorced, divorced with kids, and single and never married with kids. And over time along with poverty and other socieconomic factors created the so called marriage crunch for black women.
Men of my dad’s generation, seemed to get the balance idea. A man can do both, if he’s mature and really wants to–that is build his career and be committed to a woman and even take care of a family. At the very least, a man who wanted a woman should want to be able to support her and any child that might be borne of that union, if need be. Men had some pride about that…regardless of what women may or may not have been saying about what their responsibilites were.
Use some common sense people. That used to be something black folk had plenty of and we had solid families because of it. Now we’ve thrown common sense out the window and can’t seem to understand why our families don’t funtion as well as they used to.
And this is not to be mean or judgemental, but once you bring kids into the mix BEFORE marriage, you’ve basically fucked up any and all chances of things being done in some formulaic way to get what you want any time soon —unless the relationship was strong prior to the birth of the child and the male party in the relationship is mature and somewhat financially stable and responsible. Period. If you give birth and a man’s first inclination is not to marry you–even if you both decide it’s not for the best–he’s probably never going to without a lot of pressure.
Children tend to complicate any venture into any future relationship, for better or worse, which is why it is so important for us to address the out of wedlock births in our community. You might say why I am going there in a conversation about marriage?
Well honestly it seemed like 3/4 of the threads were interrupted with discussions about “well then we had a child, etc” which CHANGES the entire dating/marriage dynamic. Because NOW you are two people INVOLUNTARILY stuck with each other…MARRIAGE IS UNIQUE BECAUSE IT IS A VOLUNTARY COMMITTMENT. See where I am going with this?
Otherwise it’s up to you. If some man (or woman) purports to love you and you’ve been dating a reasonable amount of time and you are two grown people with jobs and he has excuse after excuse…you don’t need a timetable. You need to move on. Period.
Marriage is a serious commitment, and being financially fit in these times is a good idea. But.. my parents have been together for 28 years, only married for 13, and that’s a shame ,we got to do better, because we need to break that cycle of young children growing up, and having kids and afraid of commitment, it is a learned behavior and it starts at home!
Ok somebody help me! What if you met in college 21 and dated for 3 1/2years where still fairly young but he wasnt ready to give up his frat boy lifestyle so you broke up, then two years later some how found yourselves back into the sitaution of dating….i dont know what to do, i mean i guess weve known each other for almost 6 years but two of those years i didnt give him the time of day, now hes back and im still in love…..im scared should i move on or has it been too long? Or just chill out and see where it goes?
I really don’t think one can place a time period on love! Getting married can be based on alot of different things. It’s different if you have no kids with that person vs. someone who does. I also think it has to do with age, maturity and money. Although not everyone wants a big wedding I’m sure if the money was right majority of people would do it. I think that also plays a big factor in relationships as well!!
6 months - 1 year….
Why do people thank God for sending them someone to shack up with? Is that sincere gratitude? Do they truly believe that God works that way? I have heard ‘believers’ and ‘non-believers’ say that God has blessed them with someone…..that they happen to be living with and happen to be having pre-marital sex with.
When God sends your mate, He will also give you knowledge and wisdom to make the right decisions regarding BOTH parties. He will teach you how to NOT cause the individual to sin against Him.
A mature man will know within the first year of courting the mature woman. The mature woman will know the mature man is ready when he SINCERELY asks her to be his bride.
I think we should take age into consideration. I just turned 20 a few months ago and i’m a rising junior in college. Many of you are saying a man knows within a few months if he wants to marry you and after a year is too long to wait for a proposal. I couldnt imagine myself right now dating a guy and start talking marriage within months or even the 1st year.Now, if you’re like 26, pushing 30, or over, then yes, I do think marriage is something that should be discussed early on in the relationship. If you two don’t plan on growing together and establishing a permanant relationship, what is the point?
As far as money is concerned: you both should know your financial situation so I dont think the female should be expecting a ring if you know he can’t afford 1 and/or a wedding at the time. BUT i also believe, like a lot of people have said, if that man wants to marry you, he knows it. Perhaps he could express that to you, out of respect for you & not wanting to have you going through the motions for years, and show you that he is working towards being able to provide a ring and pay for the wedding because he wants to marry you. With this being said, keep in mind pride issues men have. It may make him feel like less of a man if money is an issue so be compassionate, but not a fool.
My boyfriend of six years is saying that he wants to marry me, but he says he is too young. He is 25 and I am 23 and we live together. I feel like we are stuck in a rut. I think that he thinks since we are already living as if we were married, there is no need for marriage. But he also says that he is getting his financial situation in order to afford a ring and wedding costs, but I need to wait one to two more years. Is this too long to wait? Am I wasting my time and becoming that girl who is always just going to be a girlfriend?
I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. We have been talking about marriage for about the past 2 years and we are getting married next year. And I have been perfectly fine with the way things are between us. I think only you can decide for yourself when you will be ready for marriage. But for me, 1 year of dating is not enough time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a very long courtship, as long as both of you are on the same page about your future. If you feel like you’ve been waiting around for a few years and nothing is happening, then move on. But if you are fine just dating for now, no matter how long you have been together, then so be it. Some of you are acting like if a man does not propose after 1 year then he is automatically cheating or he’s just a loser. I don’t get that!
Wow what a topic. As a christian woman I believe that you must first commit yourself to Christ and next your relationship to Him. It’s not easy. Dating can be so confusing when you are totally dependent upon your own “feelings”. The situation becomes even more difficult if a dating couple becomes physically involved (which is against God’s direction), this creates a whole new set of issues and emotions. As far as time, I do agree that it is difficult to put a real specific time line on any relationship because we are all unique and unique in the way that we interact as couples, but I also strongly agree that when you know what you want (especially if you have been in prayer), you go after it (just like a career, or any thing else you want) because you don’t want to risk not getting it and it does not take a long time to figure that out. I agree that age is a factor, in the time line issue, but the older you get the less time it takes to make that decision, for real.
After reading all of these comments I had considered something myself. I have been in a relationship with a guy for the past 3 years but have known him for 5 alltogether. We dated on and off for the first two years but it was mostly developing our friendship.
I lived three hours from him during those two years so it was never really a serious thing.
Then I decided I needed to move back to finish my degree and help my father in his company. After I moved back we started to see each other more often and eventually it blossomed into a relationship.
He is a great guy and thoughtful and sweet but he has not proposed to me after these three years. I could sit here and moap myself and think, well he’s never going to marry me. If he was going to or wanted to he would have dont it already.
However, every person is different. Some people take longer and want to be absolutely sure that theyre with the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. We both come from homes that ended in divorce so we both agree that its important to get to know that person as best as you can.
For me, I would say yes if he asked me but I dont know if he’s there yet and it’s not good to rush someone either. I’ve had plenty of girlfriends who gave their guy an ultimatum of two years and all of them have ended in divorce.
We live in a society where everything is rushed and everything has to be now or else never. If two people are happy together and love being with each other, why put a rush order on things? Just enjoy it and if its meant to happen it will happen.
I see the majority thinking that there should be a time limit on when to propose, even if you havent gotten to know them as good as you should, but I also noticed that the majority of people in america end up in divorce. Maybe people should reconsider what they think is a guideline for marriage.
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