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Got Marriage? How Long Is Too Long To Date?
HER VIEW
I received an email from a reader the other day asking me how long did my husband and I date before we got married. She said she was in her late thirties and had been dating a guy for more than 6 years..but he has not proposed to her yet. He had various reasons for not proposing: needs to get himself together financially, wants to go back to school and make advancements in his career, etc…
I don’t think she wants to break up with him because she says he is a good guy. My opinion is that she needs to move on because her needs are not being met in that relationship. It does not take 10 years to know if you want to marry a person. If you don’t know within the first year, the chances are, this person is not right for you.
HIS VIEW
Ladies, here’s a guy secret: He knows within the first few weeks if your marriage material, he know’s within the first year if he wants to marry you. After that it’s a free-for-all. Believe me when you see what you want it doesn’t take long to move on it. If it’s taking years and years something else is going on and it’s not because he wants to get himself together. Please don’t fall for that one. Everyone is not perfect nor do they need to be but believe me it’s easier for two people to work on something than one person by him or herself.
Special note to my long, long term relationship folks, maybe it will happen one day but chances are against it and the more you invest the harder it is to leave. In the meantime you could be blocking your blessings. Who knows what your missing out on while your mate boyfriend\girlfriend is messing around.
We’ll be talking more about this soon with additional input from authors and relationship experts so stay tuned… In the meantime let us know what you think the time limits are if any….. leave a comment or if you have a story you’d like for us to consider posting email it to info@blackandmarriedwithkids.com
December 28th, 2007 at 11:27 am
Waiting to get your money right, or finishing school is a valid reason to wait to get married, however, when you’ve been dating for six years and are in your thirties that excuse gets a little old. I have a two year rule for dating where you either go or leave the bathroom and think a year might be a bit fast but then i’m not married yet so can’t call it.
December 28th, 2007 at 11:54 am
I could maybe bend to 2 but I still think in the first year you know. When you meet the one you want to marry it doesn’t take years of convincing to know. Also on a side note fellas- you put all of the cool stuff away and do what you normally wouldn’t that’s another sign she’s the one.
December 28th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
I think she needs to leave him asap. He’s never going to marry her. He’s wasting her time because she’s allowed him to for 6 years. She’s too old to be in the dating game for 6 years with one dude who is still “considering her”.
December 28th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
I agree with the one year rule. I think two years is too long to be bothered with someone who is uncertain. I am going through that now. It has bee two years for me an I’m in my late twenties. I’m done because we want to move in different directions. The break up would have been easier if I would have left this time last year. I also believe that there should be a mutual understanding in the beginning of the relationship of each others expectations and wants. It makes it much easier and you waste less time.
December 28th, 2007 at 11:11 pm
I agree with the previous statement that a year is the typical length to predict the long term goals of your relationship, but a second year is not a bad idea if the couple is young or just reluctant. I personally, wouldnt have given one man the title of my exclusive s/o for 6 years and are relationship has not progressed.
I believe the guy in the scenerio is stringing the lady along. He has too many excuses which means he is unsure (not willing to make a choice) or is playing mind games. IMO….marriage and having children are just some of those things you are never truly prepared for. That is why those that choose those options are stepping out on faith and the belief both parties will do what is needed to make the next stage in their lives a success. Now, I’m not in anyway suggesting the lady should put the pressure on the man, but I definately think she shold reevaluate the title she has given him in her life.
December 29th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
While I agree that one year is enough time to know if a person is right for you, I feel that the topic should have been discussed within the first six months of the relationship. During the process of getting to know one another, views on marriage, children and money are important topics that warrant some dialogue.(This is assuming that the two people involved are mature adults) i have been in a serious relationship for almost seven years now and we have built a very loving and stable family. We both have been married before and I have two children from my previous marriage. We also have a son together. We often converse about the marriage thing — not because it is a big deal for us — but because it is a big deal for everyone else. We love each other just as much as any other MARRIED couple, maybe more than some. We’ve heard it all — the religious, the it’s-only-right, the do-it-for-the-children, etc. My kids are our kids. I could go on and on regarding this subject. So to sum it up, if the two people involved are not on one accord in regards to ANY topic, the relationship is doomed. Even if you agree to disagree, as long as niether harbors any ill-well. If she wants to and he doesn’t — DOOMED!!! Cut your losses and run. But if both are happy with the status quo, leave them be. Society puts enough pressure on them without having to eal with family and friends. And one last note before I get it from your readers. Our children are fine and happy. I would rather them see mom and dad ridiculously in love and not afraid of expressing it than feeling like there is something amiss. My boys will learn to love and respect women no matter the situation and responsibility on all levels.
December 29th, 2007 at 11:34 pm
I agree with the prevoius post and his view. I disussed marriage with my current husband after 6 months. The conversation went like this: I told him that I’d give him a year to propose, if he was serious, or I was out. I was 25 at the time, tired of dating, and noticing more and more that a lot of my single friends were having no luck finding husbands of their own. Needless to say we got engaged about six months later and we’re currently married. I think “he” was on the money with the blocking your blessings comment. I know so many women that have stayed in dead end relationships for way too long and as a result don’t know how to let go.
But this is the question I want answered! Why does there seem to be such a high number of single black women vs. other ethnic groups? I’m sorry, I just don’t buy the whole the black men are in jail theory.
BTW I love this blog!
December 31st, 2007 at 6:40 pm
As I’ve grown older; I’ve found out that you really do know what you want. After waisting plenty of money and millions of minutes; I found out that I wasn’t really in it for the long haul. But, when I idled down and opened my eyes to what was true. It didn’t even take a year to know that it was time. If you truely find yourself into someone; and you know in your heart that it could work. Mix a lot of love and prayer in that pot. It is possible that you could find yourself in front of a preacher within two years.
January 6th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I pretty much agree with all the comments about the two year period. Anything more is usually whatever person is not interested in taking the next step, way of stalling. Usually there is something about the other person’s characteristics that is show stopper, which leads to people trying to change what they don’t like or hanging around until something comes along better so they can break out. Also from my experiences I have noticed that some women don’t like to be alone, in which they could use that time to work on their own personal growth. Instead they stay in dead end relationships way to long, just to say they have someone. As the ” Dad ” referred to in his comments earlier ” All they are doing is blocking there blessings “.
Also if a man is into you and sees a future with you, he is going to ask you to be his wife because he doesn’t want to lose you to the next brother. Ever hear the saying ” She is a keeper. ” So ladies if you are creeping over the two year mark into “No Man’s Land” (No pun intended) tell your partner that you think it is time for you two to go your separate ways. This reality check will either have him step up to the plate because he doesn’t want to lose and just need a little jump start due to commitment issues, or he will breakout and due his own thing which means he never was going to marry you in the first place. All you did was just save yourself time and heart ache. Now you can move down the road to finding real love.
February 10th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I know some people who have been “playing house,” with kids, for years, now under the auspices of a common law marriage. I feel like this, if you have many of the trappings of marriage but none of the commitment, then who is benefitting and/or not benefitting from the arrangement? Oftentimes, it’s the woman putting all of her cards on the table, while the man … as old-school as it sounds … gets his milk, cheese and eggs for free!
February 10th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
[...] This was in response to one of our older and most popular posts: Got Marriage? How Long Is Too Long To Date… [...]
February 11th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I completely agree with this post! Especially as people get older - at a certain age you know yourself (what you want, what you need in a partner). Theres no need to date someone more than 1-2 years tops! Unless, of course, youre one of those who does not believe in marrige…then thats another discussion all together, lol.
L
April 9th, 2008 at 10:11 am
I don’t adhere to the two-year rule, or any set rule regarding the time it takes to propose, marry, have sex, whatever. I just find them to be so arbitrary, and for no good reason. My parents dated for six years before getting married, and my mother was 40 when they finally did. She’ll be 61 this year, and they’re still married. Actually, that holds for all three of my aunts and my uncle as well; they all dated for a LONG time before marrying, and are happily married today. By the two-year rule, none of them would have ever married.
I’ve dated the same guy for three years consistently, and for three years prior to that off and on. The off and on was on both of our parts: we met when I was in law school and him in medical school. Yes, our careers were our priorities. Just waiting for either of us to finish school would push us outside of the 2-year mark mentioned so frequently. Both of us needed time to determine what we wanted.
We’ve done that, but neither of us is in a rush to get married. Heck, I’m a divorce attorney. I see people ALL DAY who’ve adhered to a rule and found out that they didn’t know the person they married. They thought they knew what they wanted, but didn’t give themselves a sufficient opportunity to see what they got. As sad as it is, it keeps me in business. Everyone has to do what’s best for them; my only rule of thumb is to NOT let someone else’s rules govern your decisions. That’s the definition of a true adult.
April 9th, 2008 at 10:18 am
As most of the previoius comments stated, i agree that you pretty much know sooner than later and certainly within a 6yr time frame, granted there are certain cirucmstances that may delay the actual marriage that are acceptable, and when considering marrige i personally believe that you should somewhat have your act together before considering marriage (and that goes for both parties) while it may be a little easier for two to come together and work things out as opposed to one person - you also run the risk of putting an un-necesary strain on the relationship- whether its finances, school, kids, jobs, etc..love may conquer all but it surely doesn’t solve all. And all too often people are not honest with themselves and/or their mates in terms of what they want and in most cases that’s really where the problem lies. most men are usually not forthcoming with their feelings, and most women always want to “know” as soon as we fall in love where the relationship is going - and then the woman talks herself into waiting thinking that eventually he’ll come around or change his mind - NOT!! once you start dating seriously is when you might want to discuss the relationship in realistic terms and then you work towards whatever goals you have for the relationship and then have whatever relationship that works best for both. It’s a little harder to back track after the fact let alone 6yrs but it ’s never too late to do what’s best for you - and not continue to live a lie and hoping on a wing and a prayer that a ring will fall out of the sky! and amen on the blocking your blessings comments!!
April 9th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Never date anyone for more than 2 or 3 years, its 2008 not 1965 when people dated for 15 and 20 years because everyone else was doing it. If you don’t love me enough to want me full-time and long-term after 3 long ass years, F** YOU! And the only conversation we should have is about the kids, you had your chance!.
If you’re not serious and you two don’t have kids together, why are you still holding on?
The thrill is long gone, BYE BYE!
April 9th, 2008 at 11:04 am
I tuly believe it only takes one year to know.. I think men usually know within a few months of dating. It is very simple with us. I have been in a year and some change relationship and in the beginning I felt we werw going to marry her, but she had her representative in full effect for the first few months or maybe I overlooked certain situation?
But now I know she isn’t the one and we have invested alot within each other. Deep in my heart I know I need to leave, and she knows that too.. But she always fights to keep me when I breakup with her.
April 9th, 2008 at 11:35 am
I agree and disagree with the two year.
1. Why are you so worried about getting married.
2. Married with not make you happy, if you not already
3. People should get married when they are ready not when society think’s so.
4. Why are so many People of Color not happy in there Marriage.
5. Marriage is bless ONLY when GOD is First in your Marriage.
6. Don’t try to change your lady or man.
7. I could go on and on!
8. I’m finish with this soapbox.
April 9th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Maybe I am confused, but rushing into marriage does not seem like a good idea. One year is enough to know that you like someone not neccessarily that you love them and can most importantly that you can work with them.
I am 24, which is the major reason I am not married, I have been in a relationship for 4 years. We are taking our time and not rushing.
In cases of young and old statistics say it is bext to date for about 3 years. I say it is best to be open and honest and you will know whether your relationship is moving forward or not. if not move on, but dont set arbitrary dates.
April 25th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
So what about Jay Z and Beyonce? Weren’t they together for about 5 or 6 years before it happenned?
Do they get a pass because they have busy lives? What if me and my man have busy lives too?
She seems happy and so does he.
April 28th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Wow, this is quite a topic. I’ve seen it from both sides (kind of). I know someone who had achieved many of the goals on her “list” of things she wanted to do in life. Got ready to turn 30 and realized she had one on her “list” she had accomplished — marriage. Met a guy and was married within a few months. The marriage bombed.
I, on the other hand, will not even consider getting serious with a man until we become “FRIENDS FIRST”, and that takes some time, not to mention that I still have yet to meet the guy to get started on the friendship. Men typically don’t like that idea. But if they want me they have to realize, that’s something I want enough to make it be that way, or no way. I’m not putting any time frame on it. Some friendships develop quickly, especially if we really click. I’m just saying they have to invest in getting to KNOW ME, and not just my body BEFORE we make any intimate moves. Yeah, yeah, that sounds like something out of the 50’s. But I bet I’ll get a good man and we’ll have a good relationship, and I sure won’t have a STD!!
My motto: “Friendship Is The Gateway To A Deeper Relationship” (c)
April 28th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Wow, this is quite a topic. I’ve seen it from both sides (kind of). I know someone who had achieved many of the goals on her “list” of things she wanted to do in life. Got ready to turn 30 and realized she had one on her “list” she had accomplished — marriage. Met a guy and was married within a few months. The marriage bombed.
I, on the other hand, will not even consider getting serious with a man until we become “FRIENDS FIRST”, and that takes some time, not to mention that I still have yet to meet the guy to get started on the friendship. Men typically don’t like that idea. But if they want me they have to realize, that’s something I want enough to make it be that way, or no way. I’m not putting any time frame on it. Some friendships develop quickly, especially if we really click. I’m just saying they have to invest in getting to KNOW ME, and not just my body BEFORE we make any intimate moves. Yeah, yeah, that sounds like something out of the 50’s. But I bet I’ll get a good man and we’ll have a good relationship, and I sure won’t have a STD!!
As far as the engagement goes, I think if we spend enough time getting to know each other as friends before we commit to an engagement, then the engagement needs to be only long enough to plan the wedding.
My definition of friends prior to going into an emotional commitment: No strings; Just be real with each other, and allow each other to be free before committing; Allow each other to be ourselves — if we don’t like each other this is the time to find out; and Don’t hold each other accountable for more than human respect.
My motto: “Friendship Is The Gateway To A Deeper Relationship” (c)
May 15th, 2008 at 8:39 am
1st of all some one took my name so i had to use an alternative LOL. This is a very intersting topic. I am giving advise based on experience. I am near 40 and i have been married twice and now going thru my second divorce. I did it differnt both times. The first marriage we we re associates and we were not intimate for a year and then we dated for a year and then we were married. Well 5 years later we were divorced as we just grew apart. My current marriage I tried inspirational love at first sight with gettig to know the lord as our most common bond. We were married after 6 weeks and well 3 months later we were moving out from each other. So who is to say what is right. I do find the most common problem i see with Women of today. They dont have that stay together against all odds and make the marriage work. yeah im old fashioned because I have examples of marriages lasting thru whatever. My grand parents are 85 and 83 and have been married for 60+ years i also have an aunt who has been married for 40+ years so I remain optimistic. I will agree and say waiting too long with your current mate could be potentially blocking the 1 from entering your life. While i also agree that you should try to become friends first. Here is a News Flash Sweetest Love. You could still get an STD. Just because a guy may be willing to wait to get with you intimately, sometimes as long as it will take. That does not mean he dont have some other chick satifying him until you all take it to the next level. so you could still fall victim of an STD! just something to think about.
June 30th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
My bf and I have been dating for 5 years and 1 month. Im 21 and hes 23. I just think that if he has not proposed to me yet he is not sure and I have a feeling that I should break up with him because I feel that hes never going to commit. I really think that I should break up with him but at the same time I am afraid that I will make the wrong decision. Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I continue the relationship or should I cut him loose?