Don’t Be A Relationship Enabler -TheMom

Home

by Ronnie Tyler | on December 9th, 2007 | 6 comments

I don’t understand why (us) women think that we need to financially support a man. I say (us) women because I was in a relationship for years where I basically allowed a man to live off of me. It was to the point where I was basically paying for my own presents (because any money he had came from me.) It took me almost 10 long years to get out of this dysfunctional reletionship. While I was in it, I made excuses like: 1. he is young and I am young so of course he doesn’t have much, 2. I came from a better family and therefore had a better support system, and 3. as we got older, I started saying well I graduated from college first and since I make more money..then of course I should pay for things (everything.) By the time we turned 28, I ran out of excuses and we started having serious problems. The fact of the matter is, regardless of how much a man has, he should never allow a woman to support him. If he makes less money, that is ok, as long as he is making every effort to take care of his responsibilities. A man that allows a woman to take care of him is not a good candidate for head of household. Even when he does start to make more money, he will never step up to the plate…he just does not have it in him to be the man.   I had 2 children with this man from my past, and even though he now has his college degree and a job, he still does not consistently pay child support. But I knew he was this way before we had the kids, so I don’t spend time feeling sorry or angry. Instead, I take care of my kids and anything I get from him is a plus.

I had a conversation with my younger cousin this weekend and it hurt me to see that she is going down this same path. She has been with her boyfriend since she was 17 years old and she finally broke up with him because he did not have the same goals as she did. However, I could tell she was not really finished with this man. In the time that they were together, she earned a masters degree and she also purchased her own home.  Although her ex has a college degree, it took him a while to find a job (which he got from one of her relatives.) He lived with her, in her home, and he did not pay an equal share of the expenses or the mortgage. However, he is driving a RANGE ROVER!!! Now that they have broken up, she has taken a travelling job and he is still living in her home. The worst part of this is that she is still paying the majority of the mortgage. She says she feels sorry for him and she is trying to let him save up some money to get his own place. Why would this man allow her to pay the mortgage when she is not even living there anymore. Why doesn’t she give him 30 days or 60 days notice and make him move out? I sat there listening to her make excuses for him. The only thing that I could do was tell her about my experiences. I also told her that even though he seemed to be a nice guy, that he was definitely not good husband material. I hope she does not get back with him.

Contrary to popular belief, there are good black men out there that would never allow a woman to take care of them….regardless of their background or circumstances. This is the kind of man you need to choose for a husband or boyfriend. I know, because I married one!!!   We need to start teaching our girls early that they should never allow men to leach off of them. And we also need to teach our boys to take care of themselves and their families and to never take from women.

Write me back and let me know if you have experienced this same situation or if you are in it now.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and their latest documentary Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Add a comment

Comments (6)

Lisa Monday - 10 / 12 / 2007 Reply

This is so true. It really is!
Liz Wednesday - 12 / 12 / 2007 Reply

I just had a similar conversation about a former co-worker, she is doing the same thing as your cousin.
Mihatt Media Sunday - 16 / 12 / 2007 Reply

I believe money issues will always have some sort of affect on relationships. Although some men say they don't mind a female making more than they do, a small percentage take advantage of it. Then you have those females that feel they have to "take" care of their man as if he's a child. Either way, in today's society, relationships need to be equal all around. The money should just be the added bonus no matter who is the bread winner. Pull your weight in other areas. You don't have to be married to make more than your partner and have troubles. Many years ago, I experienced this with an ex who thought that my money was his money. I got hip to his game and had to let him know that although I didn't mind helping him out, I wanted to be able to depend on him as well. It became too obvious that he always needed the help and when I needed it, I had nobody but myself to depend on. Did I mention he is an ex ?
Lebone Monday - 24 / 11 / 2008 Reply

I was in the same situation. My biggest excuse was that he was trying to get his business off the ground. 6 Years later he gave up trying and got a job, paying him more money that I was earning. I was still resposible for everything. I has full access to his bank account and would get money from his account in order to pay our bills. A year after he had been working, we had a child. We'd waited for so long because we couldn't afford to bring up a child on my salary alone. When my son was 3 months old, he left his job, knowing full well that we'd struggle without his salary. That was the last straw for me. We were divorced within 3 months.
Sasha Saturday - 24 / 01 / 2009 Reply

Great article. Does anyone think that there could be a correlation between absent black fathers and black men who expect to live off of their women? If black men are raised by a single mom who always "does" for them, do they just continue to expect that from their ladies?
Fran Thursday - 23 / 07 / 2009 Reply

I don't think that the average black man expects a woman to take care of him just because he was raised by a single mom. I think most women who take care of men have self-esteem issues and don't think they are worthy.