Why are there so many SBF’s?

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on December 31st, 2007 | 9 comments

One of our readers, Nicole asked this at the end of her comment on “how long is too long to be engaged”:But this is the question I want answered! Why does there seem to be such a high number of single black women vs. other ethnic groups? I’m sorry, I just don’t buy the whole the black men are in jail theory.

BTW I love this blog!

I’d like to hear what everyone thinks on this one, please add your comment or if you have a long story email it to us at info@blackandmarriedwithkids.com so we can post it for everyone to see.

In the meantime be careful of the stats and stories you see in the media. That’s one of the reasons we made this blog, we want to show that not all black woman are single and not all children are living in single parent homes. We know that is the case sometimes but I also know lots of households with two parents that are doing quite well but you never hear that side of it. We’re here to destroy the stereotype that there are no successful black families, married with children! And on a side note we’re going to start profiling married couples with kids that are doing it! We just locked in our first couple so keep on the lookout for that feature.

Back to Nicole’s comment, a few weeks ago my wife and I had a conversation about how the media always says blacks are most likely to get this, die from that, live this way, etc… and it sounds like we’re SOL in most cases. Can all of this be true? Are we most at risk for every disease? No not at all, but its all about what they make the numbers do then how they run with them when they come out. I just read about a positive study that was done on AIDS in the black community and a negative study, guess which one was in every major news outlet and which one didn’t see the light of day, not even in the black media?

Check out this blog by Janks Morton who made a movie called, “What Black Men Think?” he asks questions such as, “Are there more black men in college or in jail?” You’d be surprised by the answers.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (9)

her's cousin Tuesday - 01 / 01 / 2008 Reply

Oh boy!!!! Here we go again!!!! Our problem as a people is that we have fed into the hype about the black male statistic in regards to jail. Granted, there are alot of our brothers in jail blaming al of their problems on "The Man". The solution starts with accountability. God blessed us with free will. We have the opportunity to determine our future. Yes, society places obstacles in our brothers paths. But we must learn to turn those hurdles into positive steps towards our goals. Unfortunately, that means they have to work much harder than most. But that makes accomplishment that much sweeter. And sisters --- We have been brainwashed into thinking that with status comes a certain image. What's wrong with that lawyer-sistergirl having her world rocked by a man who loads a truck everyday ? As long as it's an honest living. Don't be ashamed of your man. Rejoice in the fact that he loves and respects you. Yes, in the past men were taught that they were the head of the house. But with that title comes responsibility. ACT LIKE IT!!!! (A little known secret fellas --- no matter how much money a sister makes, she still wants a man who can take care of her means, be it emotional, physical, whatever. I can make the money --- you take care of the honey. Make a sister feel like you have her back. When I come home, I don't have to worry about the outside world. It's just you and me.) The same for the sisters. Make your man feel like The Man. More than likely he's been kicked enough during the day. I had a man who was content to let me handle all of the decisions regarding our family and finances. He had no input at all. This was his choice. Believe me, it gets old. I now have someone who relishes in the practice of taking care of our family, with joint decision-making, of course. To sum it up --- Sisters, don't discount a Brother because of his occupation or background. You may be missing out on a blessing. You will find that the pickings may not be as slim as you think. Now I have a topic I want to discuss. Babies having babies. How much of an affect is this having on the way our sons and daughters sense of self-worth? Peace
Janks Morton Tuesday - 01 / 01 / 2008 Reply

Thanks for the link! Some stats to consider: over the age of 18 13.9 million BW 11.2 million BM 2.7 million unpartnered/uncoupled if every single paired. BM die earlier (life expectancy) BM/BW marry later by the age of 18 there is already a 1/2 million partnering deficit. (even though at birth BM/BW ration is 1039/1000: More BM at birth) and why is it everytime someone references the plight of the SBW and expanding her possibilities, it has to be the executive/educated/power woman and the janitor/trash collector/auto mechanic brother. Steroetyped/sterohyped and perptuated by the imagery of the idiotbox. FREE YOUR MIND
TheDad Tuesday - 01 / 01 / 2008 Reply

Cousin we'll adress that as one of our topics, good points and thanks for being involved in the page and for the support
Leonie Wednesday - 02 / 01 / 2008 Reply

What about the SBM out there do they actually have a comment about why they are not choosing to date the SBF. For me I've dated all different types of Black men, I'm actually tired,I'm ready to hit the rainbow for my pot of gold.
MsAllure Thursday - 03 / 01 / 2008 Reply

There are more single black women due to several factors. First, many African Americans are products of single parent homes and have normalized being single in their mind. Second, many of your professional women spend most of their younger years preparing for a career and cannot balance obtaining a social life as well as their long term goals. This is a major problem I see since most African American women that have some substance are always trying not to become a “baby momma”. In fact, if you look on the page of some of the young successful women myspace pages within the first few lines of their ABOUT ME section they state proudly “Single and NO CHILDREN”. And the truth is sometimes children lead to marriage. Although, that is not the order most want the course of their life to take. In these situations I think many African American women spend too much time trying to fight the stereotypes instead of LIVING. Third, African American men fear commitment because they are allowed to be wishy-washy by their mate. Now, I’m not for pressuring a man into marriage, but women need to stop allowing men to be the sole decision maker in when the time is right. Women have a role in this process and should ALWAYS have their best interest in mind and realize at some point time is working against them. Now, fourth could be the fact that many women only seek African American men. If I were single I would be open to ALL men that acknowledge their African decent which would exclude some ethnicities, but some women may be more open than me, allowing them to find a suitable mate.
Teems Friday - 18 / 01 / 2008 Reply

I agree with MsAllure. I am in my mid 20's and in a serious relationship. I can't tell you how many times I have heard: "You are too young to be in a serious relationship." "You have plenty of time to be serious." "Enjoy your youth, live a little and have fun." We are being forced to believe that relationships are burdens. Honestly, my boyfriend and I have been a positive influence on each other and continuously motivate each other to pursue our goals. I have no regrets being in a relationship. However many others are scared of commitment, sacrifice, and infidelity. Especially if the relationship between their parents isn’t strong….
lunanoire Monday - 18 / 02 / 2008 Reply

Teems, I agree. As a SBW, I worry that marriage before being settled in a career means that my career desires, like moving (or not moving) to go to the best school or job opportunity will always be subordinated to my man's. It's what I saw growing up, and that didn't change until I was grown.
ladyv Monday - 22 / 09 / 2008 Reply

I would like to say I am a sbf and I must say I do have it going on. And yes I do make the money. But I must say that I have enjoyed rearing my children and they are smart, intelligent, and beautiful. And the man that I am dating now is not all of that; but he does help have my dinner ready when I get home. Yard kept well and vehicles cleaned. Paints the house, clean up and just helps me with everything. And I can just be me. I don't have to front like alot of females do until they get the man. I wanted someone to help me in areas of my life that most women understand. My main thing was I did not want a mant to snore. We do work together and I love him and I will marry him. But I had to bring myself to realize that no man or woman is perfect. And if you can get 90% of what you want in someone I say go for it. Especially if he goes to church with you and read and have bible study... Now ladies you can't beat that. SO, I tell you to hold your head up and stop looking for Mr. Perfect and if God can love someone not for the money and car or looks why can't we...
SBF btwn a rock and a hard place Saturday - 18 / 04 / 2009 Reply

I am a SBF dating a SBF, and we are compatible both college educated, without children, go to church, bible study and more. However, it is difficult for an edcutaed, financially secure black female to find a suitable mate that does not envy their success...despite the woman allowing the man to be the head of the household or decision making. Women do not believe the hype that is our fault that we are single. Do not apologize for your success, your income, or your decision to continue living life despite your marital status. I am living proof. I have desired and have a man who is great, however, there are little statements that makes me realize my income is a factor for him. Although we have never discussed figures it is easy to discover my salary if someone wants to. I don't flaunt my salary, I don't discuss my salary, nor do we do that with his. I don't disrespect him becausue he earns less than me. I try to allow him to be the decision maker and be the "man of the relationship". However, salary difference is a mental obstacle for him. Accept that fact that a black man can potentially be unprepared to accept a woman with significant success. The odds are against us. And it could possibly be we are single because it is difficult for the black man to believe he is head of the household despite earning less than his mate. Black men.. income does not define a man. His character does. So when you find a woman who is God fearing and respectable do not run her off with the your insecurities regarding finances. If you are a man your heart, feelings, and actions will prove that, not your paycheck!!! It is time for the black man to stop this nonsense they are the sole provider and accept the fact that black woman are going to college, black women are acquiring post-graduate degrees and will probably be later in age and childless than our parents were at this time. Grow up and accept the new age woman. Our forefathers have worked too hard for black women rights for us (SBF) to deny ourselves an educuation, paycheck, or life luxuries for fear of losing or never having a husband. It amazes me that all men want a God-fearing woman, but do not want a single women without a child,or a successful women. We must encourage and support one another despite what letters are behind our name and or the zeroes in our checks.