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An Open Marriage… don’t even think about it?
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After a long Career at age 83, Ruby Dee has finally been nominated for an Oscar Nomination for her role in American Gangster. I am so happy for her and I wish that her late husband Ossie Davis could be here to share this with her.
They just seemed like the perfect couple to me which is why I thought of doing some research on them for black history month… for something like..famous African American Couples in History. Well it did not take long for me to find out that they had an open marriage. This was old news..but it was new news to me.
Ossie Davis has been quoted as saying:
“It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it — that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished — as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease. We had to be discreet and, if the word can be apt, honorable in our behavior, both to ourselves, to whomever else might be involved, and most of all, to the family. And for the most part, we were.”
Source: Joint biography, page 317
They said this arrangement freed them. They also said they would not recommend an open marriage for all couples. This revelation about them disappointed me. My idea of a successfully married couple is one that was able to get through the difficult times while still remaining faithful to each other. Actually, I take that back because I know some older couples that are still married after one of them was unfaithful..but they somehow worked through it and now have good marriages. But they did not give each other permission to cheat. (By the way Hubby…if you are reading this..it does not mean I would automatically take you back if you cheated..so don’t get excited 
)
When I heard that they had an open marriage it made me feel so disappointed. It made me feel the same way when I found out Marion Jones was on steroids when she won all of those metals. It was like her accomplishment did not mean anything…she cheated.
I guess by now you have figured it out. I am not down with the open marriage. Sorry hubby..but don’t even think about it. We took vows before God and I know they did not include inviting other people into our bedrooms. It’s still adultery..even if you both agree to do it..right? Plus, for me personally I don’t think I could handle it…but maybe others can. Please let me know your position on open marriages.
January 26th, 2008 at 7:01 am
I see nobody is touching this one!
January 26th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Yeah, I noticed that myself. Actually this was something I didn’t know until my wife told me.
January 27th, 2008 at 3:44 am
I’m so dissapointed! I thought they were a real testament to black love, but nope their not. Open marriages are a joke. Why get married? Be discrete and private. Yeah, until the one your messing with catches feelings and wants you to leave your mate or better yet ends up pregnant.
January 27th, 2008 at 10:19 am
This is an emotional subject, no surprises there, marriage is the ultimate expression of emotions. Let’s accept upfront that, at about the same time as we get emotional, we get less mental. Our brain goes to sleep and our hearts wake up. So, let’s approach this question with an honest acceptance that we may not be making as much sense as we think when debating this emotional and difficult yet very important issue.
I now have more respect for Ruby and Ossie (may his soul rest in peace).
As much as it is an emotional decision or state, marriage is also a very personal thing. Nothing betrays our true self than our marriage. So, I accept Nicole calling open marriage a joke; I accept theMom invoking the vows made to God as justification for her own view and belief of what marriage is or should be.
What I do not and cannot accept is the sanctimonious and almost self-righteous belief that we may judge other relationships and through that judge others. We are welcome to evaluate and judge the concept and if we like it for ourself go for it and if we do not, leave it alone. That is all we are entitled to.
I am impressed by the honesty of couples in open marriages and mostly, by the strength they potray by exposing their relationships to challenges such as the one mentioned by Nicole. I do not think I can be in an open relationship. This is not because I am above it or too good for it. I simply want and wish for my wife to be my girl and me her boy. If I had to choose between her seeing other people with my knowledge and her seeing other people behind my back, I would choose honesty and knowledge. I wish for honesty in my relationship, I wish for fidelity and I pray for lifelong companionship. As for other people, I wish for happiness, whatever marriage they are in. Remember, you are in a marriage you want, right? so are they . . .
January 27th, 2008 at 11:46 am
I have to agree with Nicole and The Mom on this one. If you want to carry on the actions of a person who is single then why get married. I guess having to be faithful to one person is difficult for some people. There are different forms of Greed, and I believe open marriages are one of them. I don’t see any feedback from the fellas on this one, do you all agree with that sort of behavior?
January 27th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Personally, I would never go for that in my marriage. There are too many emotional issues that could muddy the waters. It is also not in my personality or mindset to accept such a relationship. My husband would not want me to do that . For all those other couples who engage in that lifestyle, well all I can say is nuff respect!
January 27th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Personally, I would never go for that in my marriage. There are too many emotional issues that could muddy the waters. It is also not in my personality or mindset to accept such a relationship. My husband would not want me to do that . For all those other couples who engage in that lifestyle, well all I can say is nuff respect!
January 28th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
My husband and I had a discussion about this one last night. Yeah, I admire the honesty and openness of the relationship. We all want honesty from the person that we choose to share our lives with but understand the unbridled nature of men. So, we decided to settle for less than we deserve and say okay baby, you have your cake and eat it too as long as you are discreet. So, what happens when her kiss is sweeter than yours, what happens when her body is tighter than yours because of all those babies that you gave him, what happens when he likes how he feels with her that he can’t resist her anymore and start sneaking around without your knowledge? And what about disease..Aids, herpes? There is no real protection against protection against herpes and AIDS in running wild in our community. What about unexpected pregnancies, they do happen with birth control. On the spiritual side, you never lay down with someone and get up the same way. You always take some of that person with you. When you have sexual intercourse, you literally become one with that person. The bible considers it a covenant, a marriage. Did you know that during intercourse, the same chemical that is released for a mother to bond with her baby during nursing is the same chemical released during an orgasm that causes a woman to bond with the man she is sleeping with? And we wonder where all the drama is coming from. Have you noticed that women only start acting a fool after she has slept with a man when she is feeling betrayed, used, and disrespected? When I got married, I had to pray that all of the stuff that was left with me from being with other people before I married my husband to be removed from my mind and my spirit. When you get married and tough times come and they will, you don’t need the touch of so and so to be creeping back into your mind. Marriage is a sacred commitment that shouldn’t be contaminated with lustful desires that invite destruction not only to your marriage but to your soul. (Your mind, your emotions and intellect.) Nope, I am not feeling the open marriage. I am very disappointed to learn this about this couple. This is the perfect example of how what we do impact the lives of others. The insatiable need to have others in your bed is an indication that something is very and missing in a person’s life.
January 28th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Mrs. D.,
I could not have expressed it any better. In all fairness, I just got a message from a reader that told me to look deeper into the information about Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis… It will show me that they eventually decided that the open marriage was not for them. I wonder if there was a lot of heartache that eventually got them to that final decision.
January 28th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
I agree ladies, but their is no feedback from the males on this topic. Do men secretly wish their mate would agree to something like this.
January 30th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I’m a male, and I admit this is foolish, and it’s just dead wrong too…This is why, regardless of whatever wealth I’d achieved, I’d never want a woman on the status level as Ruby Dee…..Diva type women (even black ones) are even crazier than their poor counterparts…I’m not saying that there aren’t open marriages among common people and that common women don’t cheat, but, it’s just not as bold
January 30th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
I guess I am a little late, but… What a subject!! Unfortunately, marriage does not mean the same to people as it means to God. We will all find ways to interperet what is said to suit our needs. I personally find it shameful and deceitful. Even if it is a shared deceit. I could not fathom sharing with someone, other than my husband, what God intended for him alone. Neither could I accept it if my husband did that to me or asked me if that interested me. Just like homosexuals or lesbians believe that their lifestyle is o.k. I find that disgusting, but, who am I to judge?
January 31st, 2008 at 12:29 am
My mother-in-law had nerve to come over to my home and talk to me about an open marriage and show me examples. I guess she was either putting this bug in my husband’s ear or he did it himself. I don’t have proof.
But I will say this I don’t believe. If you really feel that it’s okay to step out of your marriage for relations, just let your wife or husband go.
January 31st, 2008 at 9:06 am
M, I must a say that, that is totally rediculous IMO. I would also be very suspicious of that and what the point was. Is she married? If’s she’s not I’d be even more suspicious.
January 31st, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Interesting…
I could see where that would taint the image of what we thought about them, but in the end, it’s what we thought. They did what worked for them. I don’t know that there is a specific model that folks must follow when married. I figure folks ought to do whatever keeps them together. Does that make their marriage any less valid or filled with love than couples who don’t believe in that sort of demonstration? I think part of the beauty of being involved with someone is being able to make your relationship be any way you want it to be.
Having said all that, I wouldn’t want to be in an open marriage, relationship, any of that. I’m selfish, I don’t even want another joka even fantasizing about my ole lady. lol
February 4th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
I have their book and if you read further, they ended because it did not work out well. There was an article about them in Essence a year or two ago.
February 9th, 2008 at 1:33 am
Americans and god! youre all nuts
July 1st, 2008 at 12:38 pm
My wife and I tried divorce. It just didn’t work for us.
I thought it was the honorable thing to do… to tell my wife how I was feeling, that I felt it was important to my life to play with other women. I thought the only option was to offer her a divorce before I had an affair.
It turned out that maintaining the lifelong friendship and partnership between my wife and I was more important than conforming to a standard for marriage that did not make us happy.
So we are in an open marriage. And we still have our struggles. And every day we are happy to have each other.
I have no idea how Ossie and Ruby arrived at their arrangement, but I know several couples who live in successful open marriages. Everyone’s story is very different.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Hey,
I think there is a connection between this and the popularity of swingers.
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July 2nd, 2008 at 4:08 pm
This is interesting. I heard this about them, the same as I heard about Will and Jada Smith.
How do I feel about it? I am not in their marriage. I want my marriage to be between my husband and I.
Are there extenuating circumstances that would lead a couple to believe this is best for their family, children, career, reputation? Perhaps.
Consider: AIDS is ramphant among black women who get it from heterosexual relationships with black men…many of them married men
Consider: A knowingly gay husband or lesbian wife who torments their spouse by “not being in the mood” and makes the other spouse think there is something wrong with me ”
Consider: There are more black boys and black girls being raced with just mothers, perhaps open marriage would keep some of those fathers at home
Consider: The high cost of divorce and division of marital assets
Even with all of this, I just want my husband
July 7th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
That is sad I thought they were almost perfect, but I think on a whole that this happens very often. I’m not that open marriage type guy so don’t even ask, or joke about it. It makes my blood boil to even thinking about someone touching my wife in a sexual manner, no way. Did I mention that I’m not with the open marriage stuff?
July 8th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
You have to consider their occupations. They traveled all around the world on different projects in different parts of the world. I think that is totally different then if you and your husband/wife live in the same town and he is stepping out on you.
July 12th, 2008 at 12:45 am
Marriage is for Christians, people. God created marriage for HIS people. You must stop looking at worldly couples who are “married” as equal to all married couples.
Gays marrying, people marrying animals, people marrying and having all of THEIR OWN RULES is all blasphemy and should be looked at as such. This couple (and many others) do not represent a REAL married couple. I would say that they are two sinful, freaky individuals
July 12th, 2008 at 6:01 am
Guys, no one has even thought of this issue until we discuss it. Has anyone asked, “what happens when the marriage is no longer a representation of happiness” for each partner. What if you just can’t get out because of things like mortgages, kids, sickness, perception. This is an alternative. And yes I do agree that there may come a time when his/her touch is much better than the significant others. But lets face it. I hear all these people saying its wrong. Can anyone answer any of those questions. Open marriage is not just about sex. There maybe a mental comfort that is lacking or missing. Have you ever heard about women or men that “NO” is the only word they are familiar with? You have to take into account that just maybe these folks want to spend the rest of their life with each other and are trying to do just that. Believe me if I don’t want to be with someone yes, I think leaving is the fix.. But on the other hand what if you don’t want to leave. What if they won’t leave. Your option, well I will just be miserable……For the rest of my life. I don’t know about you guys but, I just wouldn’t want that for me. I would explore and exhaust all options before I gave it up………………..
Food for thought……..
August 18th, 2008 at 10:30 am
again, i stress that the institution of marriage was created for God’s people.
other than those who have come together with God presiding in their hearts and over their lives, you have the rest of the world doing things their own way. a marriage they get involved in is no different. they design their own rules and design their own way of doing things.
it’s not God’s way, not His plan, not His design, so it’s not acceptable. end of subject
August 23rd, 2008 at 8:19 pm
I am a man whose wife has requested an open marriage after cheating on me after 12 years of marriage. We were our first loves and have been with each other since we were teenagers. I have chosen to adapt to this open marriage to let her explore her freedom in the hopes that she realizes the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side.
I am a man who has never ever had an urge or desire to cheat on my wife, she has been my whole world and I am trying to overcome my feelings of Jealousy, and Insecurity as a result of my situation.
More Power to people who life that open life style and manage to not have the jealousy and feelings of insecurity. These are hard to overcome, at least for me.
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August 29th, 2008 at 8:58 am
I think this is a discussion that can and will be around for a while. However having an open marriage just like all other things in life is strictly up to the (couple) that chooses it as their way of expression “if that makes sense” nevertheless my only concern is when you go against the laws of “NATURE” and order we not only confuse ourselves but, we begin to confuse our children. I must say after watching BARACK OBAMA last night I finally realized the importance of my choices and how much of a priviledge I have because of the great Martin Luther King and all the others in front and behind him. Me being 29 I have always heard of the stories and history that took place on that day but, never really understood it until last night. So, with that being said I think that all things have order and timing in them. To wait on the right mate and then turn around and say I want others on the side (open or closed) is not a sign of order but a sign of selfishness. I truly suggest that if one isn’t ready to be married to 1 person and remain faithfull then don’t get married and more importantly please don’t be selfish to yourself, your kids or others. My husband and I live by the saying “WHAT YOU DO EFFECTS EVERYONE AROUND YOU” and I can open heartly say I had to learn this the hard way, but thank God I stopped being selfish of my own needs before it was to late.
(come & leave in peace)
August 31st, 2008 at 1:05 am
WOW!! Judge not, lest you be judged. Right? I do not agree with ‘open marriages’, whatever that means. As someone already stated, if you have sex with someone other than your spouse IT IS ADULTERY!! Plain and simple. This 26 year old guy told me, two days ago, that he does not believe in marriage. I asked why and he used military spouses as his example. He said, when the soldier is preparing to deploy, the spouse is crying and all emotional. The next week that same crying spouse is in the club or creeping around with someone else. My response: people don’t get married for the right reasons. If you say, well we are having problems, so we need to have an open marriage so I can feel better. That is WRONG!!! Whoever said marriage is easy and you are supposed to always be happy, must have been smoking that ooooh wee. Marriage is work. You will not be happy everyday with your spouse. There are going to be days when you may not even like them. That does not mean you divorce or decide, together or individually, that you want to sleep with other people. Marriage is for a lifetime. You ARE supposed to have your cake AND eat it too, (that’s what you do with cake, duh). You have to be committed to your spouse. That is the basis of marriage, not love. Love is learned. (If you disagree, then tell me how people can have feelings for celebrities or people they have never met).