An Open Marriage… don’t even think about it?

This is an emotional subject, no surprises there, marriage is the ultimate expression of emotions. Let’s accept upfront that, at about the same time as we get emotional, we get less mental. Our brain goes to sleep and our hearts wake up. So, let’s approach this question with an honest acceptance that we may not be making as much sense as we think when debating this emotional and difficult yet very important issue.
I now have more respect for Ruby and Ossie (may his soul rest in peace).
As much as it is an emotional decision or state, marriage is also a very personal thing. Nothing betrays our true self than our marriage. So, I accept Nicole calling open marriage a joke; I accept theMom invoking the vows made to God as justification for her own view and belief of what marriage is or should be.
What I do not and cannot accept is the sanctimonious and almost self-righteous belief that we may judge other relationships and through that judge others. We are welcome to evaluate and judge the concept and if we like it for ourself go for it and if we do not, leave it alone. That is all we are entitled to.
I am impressed by the honesty of couples in open marriages and mostly, by the strength they potray by exposing their relationships to challenges such as the one mentioned by Nicole. I do not think I can be in an open relationship. This is not because I am above it or too good for it. I simply want and wish for my wife to be my girl and me her boy. If I had to choose between her seeing other people with my knowledge and her seeing other people behind my back, I would choose honesty and knowledge. I wish for honesty in my relationship, I wish for fidelity and I pray for lifelong companionship. As for other people, I wish for happiness, whatever marriage they are in. Remember, you are in a marriage you want, right? so are they . . .

Personally, I would never go for that in my marriage. There are too many emotional issues that could muddy the waters. It is also not in my personality or mindset to accept such a relationship. My husband would not want me to do that . For all those other couples who engage in that lifestyle, well all I can say is nuff respect!

My husband and I had a discussion about this one last night. Yeah, I admire the honesty and openness of the relationship. We all want honesty from the person that we choose to share our lives with but understand the unbridled nature of men. So, we decided to settle for less than we deserve and say okay baby, you have your cake and eat it too as long as you are discreet. So, what happens when her kiss is sweeter than yours, what happens when her body is tighter than yours because of all those babies that you gave him, what happens when he likes how he feels with her that he can’t resist her anymore and start sneaking around without your knowledge? And what about disease..Aids, herpes? There is no real protection against protection against herpes and AIDS in running wild in our community. What about unexpected pregnancies, they do happen with birth control. On the spiritual side, you never lay down with someone and get up the same way. You always take some of that person with you. When you have sexual intercourse, you literally become one with that person. The bible considers it a covenant, a marriage. Did you know that during intercourse, the same chemical that is released for a mother to bond with her baby during nursing is the same chemical released during an orgasm that causes a woman to bond with the man she is sleeping with? And we wonder where all the drama is coming from. Have you noticed that women only start acting a fool after she has slept with a man when she is feeling betrayed, used, and disrespected? When I got married, I had to pray that all of the stuff that was left with me from being with other people before I married my husband to be removed from my mind and my spirit. When you get married and tough times come and they will, you don’t need the touch of so and so to be creeping back into your mind. Marriage is a sacred commitment that shouldn’t be contaminated with lustful desires that invite destruction not only to your marriage but to your soul. (Your mind, your emotions and intellect.) Nope, I am not feeling the open marriage. I am very disappointed to learn this about this couple. This is the perfect example of how what we do impact the lives of others. The insatiable need to have others in your bed is an indication that something is very and missing in a person’s life.

I agree ladies, but their is no feedback from the males on this topic. Do men secretly wish their mate would agree to something like this.

I guess I am a little late, but… What a subject!! Unfortunately, marriage does not mean the same to people as it means to God. We will all find ways to interperet what is said to suit our needs. I personally find it shameful and deceitful. Even if it is a shared deceit. I could not fathom sharing with someone, other than my husband, what God intended for him alone. Neither could I accept it if my husband did that to me or asked me if that interested me. Just like homosexuals or lesbians believe that their lifestyle is o.k. I find that disgusting, but, who am I to judge?

I have their book and if you read further, they ended because it did not work out well. There was an article about them in Essence a year or two ago.

My wife and I tried divorce. It just didn’t work for us.

I thought it was the honorable thing to do… to tell my wife how I was feeling, that I felt it was important to my life to play with other women. I thought the only option was to offer her a divorce before I had an affair.

It turned out that maintaining the lifelong friendship and partnership between my wife and I was more important than conforming to a standard for marriage that did not make us happy.

So we are in an open marriage. And we still have our struggles. And every day we are happy to have each other.

I have no idea how Ossie and Ruby arrived at their arrangement, but I know several couples who live in successful open marriages. Everyone’s story is very different.

This is interesting. I heard this about them, the same as I heard about Will and Jada Smith.

How do I feel about it? I am not in their marriage. I want my marriage to be between my husband and I.

Are there extenuating circumstances that would lead a couple to believe this is best for their family, children, career, reputation? Perhaps.

Consider: AIDS is ramphant among black women who get it from heterosexual relationships with black men…many of them married men

Consider: A knowingly gay husband or lesbian wife who torments their spouse by “not being in the mood” and makes the other spouse think there is something wrong with me ”

Consider: There are more black boys and black girls being raced with just mothers, perhaps open marriage would keep some of those fathers at home

Consider: The high cost of divorce and division of marital assets

Even with all of this, I just want my husband

You have to consider their occupations. They traveled all around the world on different projects in different parts of the world. I think that is totally different then if you and your husband/wife live in the same town and he is stepping out on you.

Guys, no one has even thought of this issue until we discuss it. Has anyone asked, “what happens when the marriage is no longer a representation of happiness” for each partner. What if you just can’t get out because of things like mortgages, kids, sickness, perception. This is an alternative. And yes I do agree that there may come a time when his/her touch is much better than the significant others. But lets face it. I hear all these people saying its wrong. Can anyone answer any of those questions. Open marriage is not just about sex. There maybe a mental comfort that is lacking or missing. Have you ever heard about women or men that “NO” is the only word they are familiar with? You have to take into account that just maybe these folks want to spend the rest of their life with each other and are trying to do just that. Believe me if I don’t want to be with someone yes, I think leaving is the fix.. But on the other hand what if you don’t want to leave. What if they won’t leave. Your option, well I will just be miserable……For the rest of my life. I don’t know about you guys but, I just wouldn’t want that for me. I would explore and exhaust all options before I gave it up………………..

Food for thought……..

I am a man whose wife has requested an open marriage after cheating on me after 12 years of marriage. We were our first loves and have been with each other since we were teenagers. I have chosen to adapt to this open marriage to let her explore her freedom in the hopes that she realizes the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side.

I am a man who has never ever had an urge or desire to cheat on my wife, she has been my whole world and I am trying to overcome my feelings of Jealousy, and Insecurity as a result of my situation.

More Power to people who life that open life style and manage to not have the jealousy and feelings of insecurity. These are hard to overcome, at least for me.

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WOW!! Judge not, lest you be judged. Right? I do not agree with ‘open marriages’, whatever that means. As someone already stated, if you have sex with someone other than your spouse IT IS ADULTERY!! Plain and simple. This 26 year old guy told me, two days ago, that he does not believe in marriage. I asked why and he used military spouses as his example. He said, when the soldier is preparing to deploy, the spouse is crying and all emotional. The next week that same crying spouse is in the club or creeping around with someone else. My response: people don’t get married for the right reasons. If you say, well we are having problems, so we need to have an open marriage so I can feel better. That is WRONG!!! Whoever said marriage is easy and you are supposed to always be happy, must have been smoking that ooooh wee. Marriage is work. You will not be happy everyday with your spouse. There are going to be days when you may not even like them. That does not mean you divorce or decide, together or individually, that you want to sleep with other people. Marriage is for a lifetime. You ARE supposed to have your cake AND eat it too, (that’s what you do with cake, duh). You have to be committed to your spouse. That is the basis of marriage, not love. Love is learned. (If you disagree, then tell me how people can have feelings for celebrities or people they have never met).

Open marriage is somethin I have considered myself, after haing the opportunity to observe those “higher class” people’s social shenanigans and what I noticed is that most aren’t as ready as they appear for the wild desire of complete openess, and that once joyful, they become unjoyful as jealousy, spite and rage rear their angry heads. If sex is an expression of our highest levels of being, an act of pro-”creation” whereby we become more like ourselves, and closer to god, one might consider numerous liasons beneficial, if they were two truly conjoined complete spirits…which only happens (for most) after years of exclusive intimacy with the same person!
For those regular folks who are only in for what they can get for themselves in the moment, no number of people could ever elevate their spirit or cleanse their souls of greed.

Looka here right, I know I may not be too popular after this, but what’s right rarely is popular. Majority of the individuals involved with open marriages and swinging eventually come to one of two realities: My marriage is really friends with benefits -OR- Sex is a physical desire that once satisfied, still leaves me wanting emotionally. Don’t be fooled. God created us and the institution of marriage. It’s interesting to witness individuals stating how desiring another outside of their marriage is natural. Heck, sin is natural. Marriage, true marriage, is instituted by God. Not based on sexual desire, but commitment to God and to each other.

This idea that monogamy is unobtainable pollutes values and taints thinking. So therefore know, I’m judging, simply standing up for what I believe to be the way of God; therefore keeping it relevant in social thinking. Sooooo many people, male and female, become fractured for life from infidelity, condoned or otherwise. It’s something that skews sense of self.

Marriage isn’t a cake-walk. It’s work, but well worth it. My husband and I have been together for 21 years. Long ago we concluded that we’re two imperfect people who need the Perfect God to keep our union tight. That includes denying sinful urges in exchange for Godly principals. So that closes the book to open marriage.

This is such a disappointment. There seems to be very few true marriages now days. One love, one man one woman making it work… period. Very sad and depressing. I’m never getting married.

@Gregg – Let me first start by saying I can tell you took your time in crafting that long response and let me end by saying you could’ve save it because it’s garbage.

If you want to live that lifestyle then don’t get married it defeats the entire point.

I didn’t know that they had an open marriage but honestly it is none of my business. I think an open marriage works for some people. Some couples have an open marriage and don’t even realize it. One or both have cheated on one another and the other person does not know. I say do whatever it takes for it for YOUR marriage to work. Whether it open or closed just be happy either WAY marriage is HARD. Is there a difference between separation and open marriage? Just wondering…

Dear Cheaters and Potential Cheaters,

I am certainly no angel, but adultry is a sin. In the Holy Bible, God promises to punish those of us who commit this horrible sin.

Even if you ignore the word of God, look at what happens to humans who cheat. The lies…the deceit. And let’s face it, too many people never recover emotionally from being cheated on.

And let’s not forget the dark side of messing with people’s feelings. The shootings, stabbings, being run over with cars, etc.

As a man, I could never agree to this because it is inevitable that another man will get a hold of my wife and “sex her” into total submission.

While we all have feelings and desires for others, we cannot escape our actions. Karma is a real force in the universe that will catch up with us.

Good luck. I will take my chances.

To respond to Gregg: this is another topic entirely, but in the eyes of God, there is no relativism when it comes to sin. It’s all the same to Him, and He died for the child molester as much as He did for the person who stole the pack of bubble gum when they were 7 years old. He hates it all, so He died so none of us would have to bear the weight of the price in His eyes for it. All we have to do is accept Him and live accordingly.

In response to TJJean, Jonesi and Lady D, I could not have made your points any better.

To Ruby: I feel your disappointment, but what they did is not a license to totally condemn marriage as a whole. If you decide to go down that road, guess what? Your husband will be married to an imperfect person, and the same thing vice versa. The key is what foundation you build your marriage upon. No foundation of marriage is successful without God as the helm.

Ultimately, activity like this carries its roots in selfishness. A marriage is an institution that has no room for that kind of root.

Sorry for for the typos folks!! Should have proofread before sending, but you get the point.

Thank you very much for your comments Harriet! However, the presupposition that marriage as an “institution” solely functions within the Christian context is not only a problematic one, but it is also the core issue here. As a minister when I declare a couple “man and wife” (an experience I found most enjoyable and simultaneously stressful because of its magnitude) I do so under the authority of God AND the State. To say that the recognition of this institution is or should be confined to those who believe in God, that is, let me be clear, those who trust in Jesus Christ for salvation (as this seems to be the religious & theological thrust of much of the comments above), is to deny the State the authority to recognize the marriage of two loving atheists, or perhaps a couple where one is of the Christian faith and the other of Islamic faith (please folks, don’t make this an indictment on being “unequally yoked”). What of the denial of slaves the right to be fully recognized as married during the antebellum period of the U.S.? For those slaves who were in fact Christian and wanted to take part in this wondrous institution, their denial of marital rights had little or nothing to do with religious views (though in some cases it did). Rather, the slave’s denial had to do with their status in this country as fully human citizens. That is, by way of the Constitution, it was also an issue of the State, and ultimately the U.S. Government to decide the legitimacy of a marriage.

All that to say, this issue is complex and ought not be confined to a single framing or understanding of what constitutes marriage as an institution. Yes, the Bible declares something unique about this institution for those who are believers. Yet, believers are not and shall never be the only partakers of this wondrous institution. In short, marriage IS marriage whether or not the couple is Christian and, at the end of the day, is personal. If a couple, Christian or otherwise, chooses for themselves an open marriage, then God bless them. After all, for married believers, no matter how much we think we are, God is the ONLY judge on matters of the legitimacy of marital practices.

Agreed @Dean. Great points!