Can a Woman Raise a Son to be a Man?
Did you see the movie Boyz N the Hood? The character played by Angelia Bassett drops her son off at his father’s house,Laurence Fisburne, and tells him to teach him to be a man.
I have heard at least two times recently that a woman can not raise a son to be a man. That only a man can truly raise a boy into the man that he needs to be. I heard this topic being discussed last week on the Michael Baisden radio show and I also heard someone say it on the State of the Black Union last week.
I do not totally agree with this statement. I think it may be harder for a woman to raise a boy into a man..but I do not think it is impossible. There are many many good men out there that are good citizens, good husbands and fathers…and they were raised by single mothers. There are also good men out there that had fathers in the home that were there..but were not really there… meaning they worked a lot…or they just did not spend time with the kids.
What do you think BMWK readers? Can a woman raise a Son to be a Man?
February 28th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Yeah, women can raise sons to be men… and by ‘men’ we mean men of responsibility.
My reality, is that there are many things that young men can not fully grasp/learn/understand through a woman. So while my mom did a great job and I’m responsible in my adulthood by many standards, there is much that I am still learning concerning being a responsible man.. .and those things could never come from my mom.
I think it deals more with ’seeing’ it happen… vs hearing it..
how to treat women, treat ourselves, be slow to speak, see through bullISH, taking the not so easy road… actually observing a man do these things is what women can’t teach.
But sure thing, women do wonderful jobs…
King James
February 28th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I am torn on the subject sometimes. There are no instruction manuals for Parenting (DVD’s, Magazines, Reality TV Shows) but no manuals … that was me being sarcastic.
As a Black Man, there was a brief time when I was part of a single parent home and the transition was a bit jaring for a while but my Mother did all she could to make my life stable. And it was util she re-married. Years later as an adult we talked abouth those days and my mother shared that all though she did it, and it was hard, raising a child(ren) is much easier and psychologically better with a MAN or positive MALE role model in the house.
We currently live in a society that holds Single parenting as a stigma and yet it promote it in our media and or the breaking down of its social values. The struggles of the single parent (MALE or FEMALE) are still there but without that gender balance, human beings are still adaptable enough to survive. As a community leader working with children caught in the system, I can honestly say that the center of their problems are HOME BASED, mostly single but also with both parents.
I would prefer a child with two parents but in my personal experience I’d rather have a child in a Good Single Parent Household than living on a street with No Parents or Two Bad Parents.
February 28th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
King James is right, a boy really has to see it happen in order to instill it in himself. But the smartest thing a single mom can do is realize that she needs to put some men in her sons life that he can learn from. I agree with Steve Harvey that the man a woman chooses to be around her son doesn’t have to be someone she’s involved with, it can just be a friend or a neighbor. It’s probably better if it’s not someone the woman is involved with “like that” so that the man can really concentrate on learning the boy. That’s what our community needs, I’m always proud to see a man step up and take an interest in a boy, not because of the mom, but just in the interest of promoting the community. The same goes for men who are raising daughters on their own.
February 28th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I did it Lamar! Eni is now 21 and does all the chores. Alleluyah, he moved into his first apartment yesterday in Toronto. I had to do the mom things yesterday to help unpack brand new small appliances like microwave, coffee pot, pots and pans, clean, install things.
Next week I shall be going to cook his fave home cooked meals he wants to freeze and microwave as he needs them. I just booked his cable and phone appointment and have to sit there 2-5pm next week for Larry the cable guy to show up for installation while he’s at work. LOL. Look out for our book soon. “AUTISTIC BOYS TO MEN.” Many that know me know that I struggled to raise 3 boys alone with the eldest being autistic. Profoundly autistic and did not speak till 9 years old.
Today he is high functioning, can drive his brother to soccer, do my chores, speak well and graduated from vocational school and works at Cineplex in Toronto. My son is responsible for putting on the reel in the machine to show you your fave movies. Google Cineplex. Largest movie chain in Canada!
I commend the government of Canada (the true reason I moved here. Free health and services), Baltimore County Police and Johns Hopkins Kennedy Krieger Institute. Meanwhile I shall have last night’s interview about autism with Larry King up on Keminications soon. This is a BRAND new one. Holly Robinson was back and that boy who got that basketball award and also Doug Flutie and Toni Braxton! Yes, Toni Braxton! Tisha Campbell was not on this time. We sisters all have autistic sons!
I’m writing this book to set an example that there is HOPE!
You can raise a boy to a man. Ms Roberta did it (Ludacris), Donda West (Kanye) MamaDee (L’il Scrappy) and more. Visit my single mom site sometimes. Thanks Ronnie and Lamar for letting me speak my mind out!
February 28th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Oh Yeah, you can watch Eni’s birthday tribute here. He turned 21 on Feb 21st 2008. Thanks Ronnie and Lamar for giving us this forum.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ekWzvBa4zw0
February 28th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
http://celebritysinglemoms.blogspot.com/
Lamar has it linked on his blogroll. Something is wrong when you click my name in my first 2 posts.
One more thing. We cannot always do everything for our boys. My 21 year old son Eni is scared to shave as he feels he’ll be cut after seeing it in a movie. That has to do with his cognitive abilities but this boy can memorize 500 phone numbers. He comes here every Tuesday so I can shave him as he does not want to go to the ATM to take his money out to go to the barber. Most of you men shave at home and I believe that is something a man can show him….if I had one at home. We as single moms try but you can’t do everything. Last week I talked about the birds and bees and condoms. Pregnancy or being a grandma is not my problem as much as AIDS and HIV. We also talked about child porn. Talk to your teens about that. curiosity in news stories can lead anyone to just go look and there goes your IP address. The cops will knock at your door and take you and your computer. I try my best.
February 28th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Kemi congratulations with your son! I constantly dream of the days when our kids reach the mystical 21 for various reasons
My view is that a mom can raise a boy to be a man. My mother was a single parent with 3 boys and we all turned out well but I definately think there has to be some things that go into it additionally. I don’t have time to elaborate now so I’ll probably write a piggyback post about this tomorrow from my POV so be sure to come back to check that out. I have to give kudos to the wife for coming up with a good topic.
February 28th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
I love this question. I say “yes we can”. It is nice to have help but it is not impossible. The key thing to remember is even though there may not be a man in the household there still has to be male influences in a young males life. Teacher, Coach, Pastor, Deacon, Uncle ect. If you(a mom) only surround yourself with being both mom and dad the kid is the one who misses out. A mom may tell her son that real men don’t cry. But for her son to see a man cry and be passionate about something is different for him than to see that from the “eyes of a woman”. Kemi, I loved your tribute to your sons 21 bday and I can only imagine how proud you are of him and his accomplishments. To raise a child is a challenge, to raise a challenged child is it’s own gift.
February 28th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Dear E-mail Family,
No. A woman cannot raise a boy to be a man…unless she has a lot of “GAME” to teach her boy.
Survival is no longer simply a matter of going to church, answering to “pastor”, doing the right thing, and waiting for the “man” to give you a chance.
Even the most educated black male professional needs “GAME” to survive. I know…I have a graduate degree. I know I would be ten times more succesful if I had a father to teach me “game”.
Fifty per-cent plus of black men are unemployed and the american psyche is to hire everybody, including black women, and to hire black men last, if at all.
This is no coincidence. If you do not believe that this is by design then…
The masses of young black males are walking with a limp, deliberately speaking broken english, and walking with their pants on the ground.
These habits hurt young black men as they try to interact with society. The police and criminal justice system have shown this,
These habits don’t help when the ultimate test of black manhood occurs…trying to get a job so that when you date a black woman she will not look down on you because she is doing better.
I see the only solution is the all black male school system or other social program where black males are mentored by older black males.
Who better to teach the young black male the “game” than another black male.
If you don’t believe me, then name any other ethnic group where the women dominate families and are raising boys like in the black commmunity.
February 29th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
[…] Can a Woman Raise a Son to be a Man? […]
March 1st, 2008 at 3:27 am
I think this is more complicated than people think. I was “raised” by my mother alone in a single parent family. She kept us safe and fed and out of jail. She did an incredible job, and I couldn’t have asked for a stronger, better woman to be my mother. But, did she raise me to be a man? No. She simply raised me and tried to teach me the right values. The “becoming a man” part was an entirely different part of my life.
Becoming a man was something that I had to pick up from other men in the community. My uncle (God rest his soul), was a strong positive influence. Some of the other men in the neighborhood also set a positive example. The more unsavory characters, the drug dealers, the pimps, the con-artist, etc…,showed me an example of what NOT to do as a man. So, in many ways all of these “men”, were responsible for raising me to be a man. And by some weird twist of fate, even the less than honorable characters were necessary in order to make me the man that I would become. Becoming a man without a father present is a trial-and-error sort of thing. With a father present I’m sure some of my earlier choices (mistakes?) would have been different.
March 1st, 2008 at 9:39 am
The Dsd and Anna, thanks so much for commending me! I fel GOOD because I did a job so difficult and I succeeded. Next is Oyin who is gonna be 17 and he is still in Maryland with his dad. I talk to him about CRIME, being a journalist, I e-mail him every crime story that has to do with a 16 year old/17 year old especially this one with Juvenile’s daughter and more. I don’t want to see him in jail or with guns. Now he does not have his mom in the house because of shared custody stuff. However things go, all parents must be involved in their kids care 24/7. My youngest is a 7 year old blogger, KJ
March 1st, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Kemi, you have a 17 year old male child that is with his dad. It takes a srong woman to give permission to the childs father to help raise. Divorce or not usually a child is automatically given to the mother. I honesty wish I had given my son to his father. Funny thing is, they are just alike even though I raised him. (sometimes the apple does not fall far from the tree). lol. I can say that I tried. Kids will be kids and I am proud of my kid (sometimes), I have to light a fire under his ass and remind him to pick a goal and go for it.
March 2nd, 2008 at 11:30 am
What an interesting subject! I think that when a woman does the best that she can, she can teach her son to be a man. It doesn’t have to be the father that acts as the male influence, it could be another positive role model. I do think that a boy having a positive male influence does make a difference but we can only work with the tools that we have. Often women have no choice but to raise their sons alone and when this happens, they do the best that they can. It all depends on what ‘being a man’ means to you. It can be about the practical aspects of being a man like Kemi mentioned with the shaving or more the social aspects of being a man like the responsible element that King James mentioned. I think that the most poignant point was made by The Mum - you can have your dad at home and they are still essentially absent. I think parenting of either sex has a lot to do with emotionally schooling - if you can foster positive emotional relationships with your children, much of the rest follows.
March 8th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I have no idea!!! Im 19 and 26 weeks pregnant and the father of my unborn son is not around! I dont know how im going to raise him to be a man….but i sure am going to work my hardest!
I know it’s going to take one day at a time , help from God and support from my family!!!