Black, British, and Probably Crazy
Today we have a guest blog by NML who has several blogs of her own including Baggage Reclaim which talks about relationships and emotionally unavailable men, and Bambino Goodies (baby products) along with a few others. She’s also just finished a book Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl. I’m always curious about the black experience in other countries so I asked for her to share. Check it out:
The Dad asked me to do a guest post about being black and from the UK and I wondered what I should write about – my crazy crackerjack family, thinking that London would be a paradise full of black boys, being brought up in an almost totally white country, idiotic racists, or my many dodgy dating experiences, but I realised we haven’t got all year…so I’ll stick to talking about men for this one and this is simply because if there is one thing that dominates my ‘Black British Experience’, it’s the species with a penis….
Whilst the US and the UK are very different, there is no pond dividing us on the black dating issues.
I moved to London seven years ago in an attempt to get away from my loser ex and start a new life on my own terms without my blackness being a focal point. I was particularly excited about being in a sea of blackness, especially with the prospect of lots of men!
I was born in England, but I was actually raised in Dublin, Ireland, white country. Whilst there are a lot more black people there now, back then, it didn’t matter what the black guy looked like or whether he had any good qualities; women would literally be beating each off with a stick to get to him. This was great progress really considering that the first racism that myself and my brother ever experienced (we were 9 and 10) was on our first day at school in Ireland where we called n*ggers and chocolate chips!
I actually have great memories of growing up in Dublin but it does become wearing when people are constantly curious about you. By the time I moved to London at 23, I’d already had more bad dates than hot dinners and was uncomfortable with being wheeled around like a black trophy piece. Golden rule: When you want to chat up black women it’s best not to say “I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like to be with a black woman” or “You’re my fantasy”…
Whilst being black, social, and able to dance ensured that I got in as a VIP in lots of clubs (I know that sounds so ridiculous), I was bored. I didn’t want to define myself purely on my blackness but living like the spectacle at the feast had made me very unsure of myself and where I fit in. As it turned out, I was in for a huge disappointment. There were black men galore alright, in London – it’s just that many that I met weren’t my ‘type’.
Much like America, there is this perceived issue between black men and women. You know – black women claim that they can’t find a man on their ‘level’, black women also get peeved about losing ‘their’ men to white women, black men think that black women chat too much and are too in your face, black guys think that black women want too much and bla, bla, bla…
The types of guys that I kept meeting and pursuing me – All of the black women who say that they can’t find a black guy are welcome to them!
Handy tip from me: All men are a pain in the arse no matter what colour they are. It just feels more localised and prevalent when you’re only fishing from one pool of fish…The pool becomes a puddle the more criteria you have…
I’ve met so many playa’s, hustlers, men with girlfriends, men with wives, men with troublesome babymama’s, men that like to press their sweaty hard-on against you in a club, that I started to wonder if I’d ever meet someone (I did but it certainly wasn’t in a club). I spent years in ‘black’ clubs where I actually really enjoyed the dancing and the vibe, but I was just never comfortable with someone trying to screw me through my clothes on the dancefloor, often when we weren’t even on first name terms!
Golden rule: Be careful of going to ‘black’ clubs; they’re full of harbour sharks….
One of my funniest dating moments ever:
When a date turned up stoned, he proceeded to spend the date talking quite dirty until I demanded that he took me home. When we pulled up outside my place, he told me I was making him ‘ache’ and demanded that I ‘touch’ him. I got out and slammed the door and he shouted “It’s bitches like you that keep the black man down!”
I think its safe to say that my downfall with black men was having expectations because I came over here expecting to be wowed with a plentiful supply and instead found myself quickly slipping into the role of Typical Single Black Woman – ‘alone’ and with black guys thinking that I thought I was too good for them.
Fortunately now that I have a man, I don’t have to listen to guys telling me that I’m “uptight”, “posh”, “not black enough”, “a coconut” or demanding that I screw them straight away. Even though I could have done without them, I have a lot of funny dating experiences to draw on and at 30, older, wiser, and without the need to be prowling clubs, I’m glad I’ve had the Black British Dating Experience – If you can survive the madness, you can pretty much survive anything!
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Absolutely hilarious! Its good to know or sad to know that men are the same all over the world. It wasn’t that long ago that I was in the dating pool (I didn’t get married until I was 35 and I’m 38 now) and I ran into the same type of brothas NML describes. I never had the whiteboy experience, but I suspect NML’s experience has been the experience many American sistas had with some white men over here. All I know, is thank God, I’m married. I have no desire to date ever again (unless its my husband).
LOL now this is funny “All of the black women who say that they can’t find a black guy are welcome to them!
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NML thanks again. I really enjoyed your post and it’s very interesting to me that it seems like the same thing is going on over there.
The Dad - It was a pleasure! I really enjoyed writing about these experiences. It’s been a while since I relived them
Kim - Amen! I don’t miss dating at all - I no longer have to live with constant disappointment
rawdogbuffalo - And the funny thing is, most women wouldn’t touch these men with a 50ft barge pole!
Germans love Black people, I was a Black trophy for a while
i’m new to the blog world and i’m lovin it. i enjoyed knowing that i’m not the only one who’s had their share of dating losers. for the single folk and married who visit the site, i have 2 questions. for those who anticipate getting married, starting a family, or completing their current family what is the biggest misconception about marriage? and for the single and loving it crew what puts your mind at ease when thinking about your “future mate” and when they will arrive? Sometimes i feel like i’ll be waiting forever
NML, what a funny post.
To Lovelyk. The biggest misconception about being married is that …Actually you stumped me.
After 15 minutes of thinking I know that the biggest misconception of marriage is when others don’t beleive that you can make it work. I do belive that marriage is not for everyone nor is having children. Neither marriage or having kids works if you are not committed.
I really did try to think of a bad part of marriage and when you weigh the good and the bad sometimes it does equal out.
Lovelky, I can say that sometimes things just happen and you have to run with it.
The other question about what puts your mind at ease on a future mate? Do you have kids if so how many, Are you married, do you and your kids mom associate, do you pay support, alimory or living at your parents home.
I don’t get mad at any of my above questions. I only feel that it is a “right to know” Usually if you already know the man you may know half of the answers.
I am a black Londoner and I feel your pain to the core. Its no wonder that I’ve ended with a black American!!!
I have a funny andecdote about my Jamaican cousin who could understand why me and my two friends were single for years. Everytime she called from JA she would ask how we were doing, if we had men in our lives and why we hadn’t managed to find anyone.
Well a couple of years later she moves to London, a medical professional excited by the prospect of meeting a man from these shores. I think she had one terrible date in four years and is now dating a black American.
I know men are useless all over the world but there is a special standard of uselessness amongst the black men in this country. The pool of black British men is very shallow. Their expectations are WAY too high for what they are willing to offer, its no wonder that most of my friends are either married or dating foreign nationals (Africans, Caribbeans or Americans).
anythingblack - Hilarious! And so true! I am cracking up laughing here in the bed and my boyfriend is looking at me like I am crazy!
LovelyK - I put myself at ease by sorting out myself first. I figured the rest would follow and it did. I attracted the worst chumps when I was being the best I could be and selling myself short. I also focused on making my own life and enjoying it instead of treating being single like that horrible time between finding someone to date.
Anna - Amen on the kids! You need to know exactly what you’re getting into. I love kids and if I had met a guy with kids and he was drama free, I *might* have considered it.
Sweet Natty - Funny story and one I have heard in various guises from many different women. I found that when I moved in different circles there was a better calibre of guy - it is very difficult to meet single, black, professional guy, with no baggage. It’s easy to meet an attached, black, professional guy with lots of baggage and a big ego. It’s even easier to meet a single, black, not so professional guy with attitude problem, a few stray kids, and a few women dotted all over town. It feels very targeted when you’re in the UK, but my black US friends complain of the very same thing.
[...] check out her first guest blog, “Black British and Probably Crazy” you can go here… [...]
hey i dont mind dating black men, as long as they’re respectable and good guys. But the whiteboys aren’t that bad either(wink) and yes some of them do have it going on.
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