Guest Post: What To Do When Your Male Friend Wants More and You’re Both Married
This is a guest post from one of our readers, Mrs. D. We’ve been checking out her comments and asked her to do a guest blog. Check it out then tell us what you would do:
There were two people who had been friends since 1st grade. Being male and female as life would have it, they eventually found themselves attractive to one another. The woman refused to take the relationship to another level because she new too much about his background but mostly his promiscuity was what scared her. After twenty years of cat and mouse, she gave in to her passions and made love to him one night and realized how wonderful it could be if they were together, together but she remained quiet about her desires beyond that night and moved on as if nothing had taken place.
Now fast forward almost another 20 years later, he comes clean with his feelings or the ultimate game plan which ever one it really is. He tells her in front of her brother and sister-in-law that he had always expected her to be his wife. It was just a matter of time until she married someone else. In the meantime the two friends remained friends despite the one night of an unforgettable indiscretion. Both are married with kids and from to time have dinner with each other’s families.
Now one of the friends is going through a very difficult phase in his life. He has been stepping out on his wife, fathered an outside child and has allowed everything but his wife and children to take priority in his life. He still leans on his life long friend for advice and direction from time to time. She knows him better than anyone so she thought. His childhood friend has always been there and knows all about him and his exploits. She knows that he has a history of pacifying himself with woman each time life deals him a difficult blow.
Everything was cool or, so it seemed, until the male friend calls her up one day with a seductive tone in his voice saying that he had been thinking about her. She knew that this was something different and faintly familiar from the past. After carefully listening to what he had to say, she abruptly tells him, “Look, I am not going to have sex with you.” He was like that’s okay, we don’t have to have sex, let’s just hang out. Hang out? But aren’t they already socializing with spouses and kids in tow? He was asking for more and hoping for that weak moment for another “booty call”. She refused to be his new “ho”. She remembered him telling her that he had reached an age where he didn’t want to get to know anyone new. Was he trying to make her his new fallback girl? He had always reminded her that she was the most difficult because it took him 20 years to get close to her. So what’s another twenty? Right! He’s patient.
With this indecent proposal on the table, she still thought about it. It was tempting to get a little closer to someone that was already one of her best friends. After all, he’s good looking, charming, college educated, and sexy like you wouldn’t believe. All the things that some may think makes him a “good catch”. He has some things going on but he is hurting, sick and medicating himself with women.
She thought about his wife, all of their children, and how it would impact everyone if it ever got out that they were having an affair. She closed the door to his proposal by telling him that she would not be his new whore regardless of their ties. She told her husband what had taken place to break the hold of the power of secrecy. But it doesn’t end there. His wife calls because she suspects that he is having an affair with another one of his female friends. How ironic? What would you have done? Would you have told the wife or just put him in his place? Would you have told your spouse? Would you continue to be friends with this guy? Just something to make you think.
People have the mindset that “what happens here stays here”, not having a clue to how destructive infidelity is. It is not just about having sex with someone else. It is about the lies and deceit that destroys the foundation of trust. Your children are affected more than we want to believe. Our children become who we are, not what we do. Some call it learned behavior, some call it generational curses and some of it is simply genetic makeup. Nevertheless, however you want to label it, we are teaching our children whether it be active or passive instruction. They will handle life’s situations in the same manner until on purpose decisions are made to do things differently. The picture is much larger than a few seconds of unbridled passions. Other people are involved and someone will get hurt.
Would you tell?
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Well, if you have intentions on staying friends with this man, you may just want to put him in his place and not tell your spouse at all. If you tell your spouse, I can’t imagine a response other than “He’s no longer invited to my house” As for telling the friend’s wife…. I have been down that road before and I would just stay out of it. (That’s for another post) Either way, distancing yourself from this long term friend (at east in the short term) may be the best idea. No sense in jeopardizing your family.
I say ditch him. No matter how long you’ve been friends if he tries to test you he doesn’t respect your marriage. I personally think the best way to not get into a sticky situation is to eliminate the temptation i.e. cutting back that friendship. I think most people cheat after they let themselves get too involved then that person preys on you in a weak moment and its all good. Thats why I also say… keep your business your business when it comes to the opposite sex, that way they won’t even know when you’re having a weak moment. In terms of his wife, that’s a tough one, you hate to see people go through it but if you say something there’s a good chance you’ll get the blame so be prepared.
That was a great way of putting it. I usually cut people off but some are not that willing or strong enough to do so. And to be honest, I’ve tried the temporary thing and it’s just that…Temporary. Chances are it, she, or he will come back and interupt you. Keeping your business to yourself is a great idea.
Why is this even a question? Were you actually debating what to do? Either you live by a code or you don’t.
PeterC, the question is would you tell his wife?
The number of people who end up in affairs with their spouse’s best friend or a “family friend” is alarming if the truth were really told. I hear these stories all the time while ministering to hurting women. There are women who will sit in your house, dine with you and sleep with your man.
I have found that people are reluctant to talk about this subject because they have been there before or are fighting the same battle. For fear of confrontation, most women wouldn’t say a word. Some people think it’s just best to put some distance for a while betwen the two of you and pretend like there isn’t a problem. Men are patient creatures for a conquest; shutting them out for a while only prolongs the inevitable. Some women because they are controlled by their emotions would have just “hung out with him” under the guise of “we are just friends” because they don’t want to hurt his feelings or perhaps flirting with idea a bit. Everyone wants to feel desired. Some woman wouldn’t have told their husbands thinking that they are keeping the peace. People do things for lots of different reasons. It is quite easy to have an affair with a good friend because they already know you. But as PeterC said, “Either you live by a code or you don’t”. You have to live within boundaries and put people like this out of your life if you want a marriage worth having.
I shared this story so that other women can somehow get the courage to speak up and/or walk away. This was my story and although it hurt me to lose a friend that had been there for me through almost every major event in my life, I gave him the boot. He is no longer welcomed in my home and he is left to explain that to his wife. Anyone who disrespects my husband, my marriage and me cannot be in my inner circle. One thing I know for sure, some men will test you. My response to him was look, “I am a woman of God. And I am going to be a true woman of God.” I reminded him that according to the Bible, God makes a way of escape in every temptation. I still believe that men and women can be friends but I don’t believe that friends who find themselves attractive to one another can spend much time together. Men and women who share too much about their personal lives and feelings, create what I call soul ties that naturally leads to a bond that she be only shared between a committed couple.
As for telling his wife, she knows his issues. My response of rejection was enough to stop his pursuit. Should she ever question me, she will be re-directed to her husband. Never get in the middle of married folks issues.
The best book I have ever read on this subject is NOT “Just Friends” –Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity And Heal The Trauma Of Betrayal by Dr. Shirley P. Glass
First things first anyone attempting to disrespect your marriage must be dismissed immediately. Secondly in a close friendship as mentioned above I personally would have a hard time letting my friend go. Thirdly, I do not get involved in another persons union. It’s hard enough being married, you don’t need someone else interjections. Plus, married folks don’t gossip about there business. More than 95% of the time it causes the outsider to have negative feelings about your spouse that will quickly pass for the individual who is venting, gossiping or angry etc…. Lastly, Mr. Peter C Why did you bother writing anything? Did you run out of words to say? Your comment was constricted, narcissistic, and irrational. Did you not take time to read the BLOG!!! The question was would you tell your friends wife, not a question of your morals. It was clearly stated what the outcome of the situation. My question to you is would you dismiss your sister? Seriously would you, a friendship that has a 30 + range qualifies as family. Do you not have friends from your child hood? Are you one of those guys whom commit this act? In my opinion you should I have read and moved right along. My thoughts to you are keep it real, not ignorant.
She definitely needs to end her friendship with this man. He has disrespected her marriage and her husband. He was “supposed to be” friends with not only her..but her husband too. We definitely need to do a post about married people having friends of the opposite sex. I definitely have my opinions about this and I am sure a lot of other people do too.
I would not tell his wife because the wife already knows the answer to that question. It’s obvious she has not gotten to the point to leave him yet and nothing I say is going to get her to that point..she will just end up angry with me.
But what if the wife is your longtime best friend ..and her husband made an advance at you…what would you do then?
Hi Ronnie and Lamar!!! Love the site. Smooches to the family! Congratulations on the new baby! I had to comment on this hot topic. I would definitely tell my husband because I would not want him out doing business, ministry, barbecue, basketball, etc. with this nostalgic nutcase who has treated me, our longstanding friendship and my man in such a disrespectful manner. I would expect the same from him. IF we ever still hung out or socialized with this couple - at least me and my husband would be on the same team and he would know why I keep holding his hand and squeezing his leg. I would not tell the wife unless she were my sister or my lifelong best friend and I knew that our relationship would last if she chose not to believe me but knew me well enough not to blame me. If she chose not to believe me, I would still love and support her as a friend. If on the other hand she had any reason to believe otherwise, be hurt by my revelation, blame me or distance herself from our friendship (when in reality that would not be good because as a true friend I’m going to need to be there to support her when she dumps this loser), I would resist telling her unless she asked me, then I MIGHT tell the truth. Depends on how stable I believe she is. Either way, no more one on ones for the brother. He’s relegated to group sessions only.
No I wouldn’t tell because its not my place. We women are funny like that. If we know our girlfriends man is cheating and we try to tell our girlfriends there is a strong possibility that denial will become stronger than friendship. In the end the friend may even accuse the messanger of wanting her man. No God works in mysterious ways the wife is she doesn’t already know will eventually find out in a way where she can’t or shouldn’t blame anyone but her husband.
Mrs D. I think it was very wise to cut your long time associate off. Lack of respect is grounds for anyones dismissal. You all are grown up now who has time for such deadly games.
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