Black And Married With Kids

Posted by TheDad on May 16th, 2008 in Home, Relationships

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Today’s guest post is by Tracey over at “Still Dating My Spouse” or course we’re totally behind her movement so we asked her to drop some knowledge for our readers. Enjoy!

Let me first start by defining what I mean by “Still Dating My Spouse”; Over all it’s a choice and a state of mind that says I’m in this for the long haul and I’m committed to doing my part to make this marriage a healthy and happy one.

Reflect on those dates when you first were getting to know one another, it helps to remind ourselves of the way we had taken the time to actually listen to one another. Remembering the true respect and admiration you had for them and the feelings you experienced when they did special things just for you. And those feelings inspired you to do special things in return-like cooking that wonderful dinner for two. Remembering the thoughts you had when you went shopping for just the right thing to wear for that second date. The excitement of it all is what needs to be reflected upon often. Those feelings must be nurtured through our memory to keep the desire to make this thing called marriage work even after rough times in marriage.

Develop serious commitment through envisioning the future desired as a couple and talk about the marital legacy you see. When you think of the marriage as more than sexual or financial thing between you and your spouse, this opens the door to a strong bonding opportunity. Be aware of the fact that, like it or not we are being watched by our children. Set goals for yourself as a couple and as a family and revisit the goals often. Reviewing the goals along with achievements and sacrifices you’ve made individually and collectively help the relationship grow in two ways in particular;
1) Security
2) Trust

We are all mental, physical, and spiritual beings who are constantly changing and all parts of us have to be nurtured through the changes. And some of the mental and physical can be stimulated through our spouse but the spiritual is you (and I believe God) always desiring to do more for the one you love. As an example, I know there are things my husband does for me, not because he loves doing it but because he loves the response I give him for doing that thing (whatever it is, cleaning, cooking etc), and the same thing goes for me.

Get over yourself; meaning we must work to be quick to forgive. No matter how good your marriage is you and I will always have marital challenges to overcome; so no use hanging on too long to old hurts and compounding them. Work toward taking the high road, yes even when you really were the one that was wronged or misunderstood. Eventually you will find that at times you both will begin to handle your marital challenges in a more diplomatic way. In order to make change it should always start with you. Example; you want him to romance you, romance him first. Now ladies we must understand his ideas of romance are most likely not ours. You should by now, know enough about him to give him what he likes. We must give to get, not wait to get first (because he may have hurt your feelings etc, last week and you’re waiting on an apology before you make any moves) that thought process is “old school.”

New school technique that works for me to re-open the line of communication: Times when I’m feeling hurt or disappointed, I’ll say to my husband, “I forgive you” and this always gets his attention, he’ll usually reply one of two ways, either “No, I forgive you” like I was the one that wronged him or he’ll say “Forgive me for what?,” as though the argument meant nothing to him and he has moved on- at this point, I’m not discouraged, I look at it as an opportunity to explain in detail what I feel and why then we are usually on our way to resolving the matter.

The following is dating ideas, they are just to get you thinking in more creative ways for growing a healthy and happy marriage.

Dating your spouse doesn’t always have to be going somewhere extravagant, but a date should be designated for just the two of you. Walks are great dates, picnics are too. Dates are to reconnect, rejuvenate and revaluate your goals as a couple. Dates are to sincerely listen to one another to do things in a similar way that originally connected you in the first place, to reflect on why you still want to make it work. For those of us that use to hold hands -take a walk in your neighborhood, holding hands. For those of us that use to like to go to the clubs (I don’t like those anymore) meet at a nice high end hotel just for drinks and conversation. Most of all be aware of what originally drew you to your spouse combined with why you want to have a healthy lasting relationship.

~Love is work and work can be fun, but sometimes hard and always worth it.

BMWK family, are you still dating your spouse? What was your last or most memorable date, and what are some or your tips to keep it fresh?