BMWK Reader Question On Dating
Dear BMWK,
I have been dating my boyfriend for 21 months. Earlier in the relationship we discussed what we wanted and did not want in a relationship, the conversation wasn’t too deep but since we’re both adults (over 40) there was no need to play games and we were able to have an open discussion. So far all is good. However in a recent discussion about our personal goals, in stating my goals I also included our relationship since at some point I thought he would need to factored in…he then stated his goals but said that as far as “we” are concerned he definitely does see a future with me and would love for us to be under the same roof, married, etc. but he has to work on his debt before hand, since I too have debt I need to work on – I agreed with that and I stated what I needed to do to try to achieve my goals, and then i asked his plan of action for achieving his goals – he replied that he really didn’t have any particular plan of action for his goals, nor did he offer any other explanation – only saying that his debt was his priortiy and he’ll take care of it when he can. At that point I was a little speechless and left the topic alone, because I don’t know what that means — am I suppose to date him for an unlimited amount of time while he works on goals that he has no plan of action of achieving? Or should I accept the fact that he did tell me he wants to be with me, so don’t rush him? I have no problem being flexible with time, but due to his answer or lack there of, I don’t want to be in this boat 4-5yrs into the relationship still floating with no direction. So my question is (before I lose my religion) – is this reasonable or am I being un-realistic?
Her View
I don’t think you should date him for an unlimited amount of time. You are already on the right track because you are setting goals for yourself. Your goals should also include a goal for how long you are willing to stay in this relationship without having definite plans for the future. You don’t have to rush him or pressure him if things are going well. But after 21 months, I think you are reasonable to expect a better plan of action than the one that he has given you.
By the way, I think working on your debt is great. TheDad and I had this same conversation before we got married. We focused on our debt separately and then when we decided to get married, we set a budget for the wedding (we paid for everything without accumulating additional debt…no credit card purchases) and then we put a plan in place for taking care of the remaining debt together. We were actually able to pay down the debt a lot faster together….since we had two incomes and we consolidated our expenses ( i.e – we now shared a mortgage instead of having two separate mortgages..etc…) This approach does not work for everyone because some people are not willing to take on another person’s debts. But we looked beyond that because we knew we wanted to be together.
His View
My humble POV is communication is everything after 21 months in a relationship not only should his debt be a priority but you should be also. I don’t see anything wrong with the two of you working on your debt first if that’s the way you want to go but I don’t think it’s crazy to plan on your relationship in the same fashion. At 40 you both probably have a good grasp of what it is that you want at this point. I’d say don’t jump to conclusions yet, maybe something was going on and he was having a bad day or something but I would revisit the situation to see if you come up with the same results. If he still doesn’t have a plan and wants to float along I think at that point you’d have to decide how long you’re willing to float along with him waiting. Like you said yourself I’d hate for you to open your eyes and you’re five years in still with no answers. To wrap it up let me say this again, “Communication is the key” everyone doesn’t want a relationship, marriage, or something real serious but everyone should be man or woman enough to let that other person know what their intentions are so they can decide for themselves.
BMWK family, what do you think she should do?
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kim h20s
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doris
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Nicole
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kim h20s
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lynn
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Anna
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Mrs. D
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kim h20s
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Anna
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