In Response To: An Open Marriage Don’t Even Think About It

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by Lamar Tyler | on July 1st, 2008 | 18 comments

This came in today from a reader in response to one our our older posts about open marriage.

My wife and I tried divorce. It just didn’t work for us.

I thought it was the honorable thing to do… to tell my wife how I was feeling, that I felt it was important to my life to play with other women. I thought the only option was to offer her a divorce before I had an affair.

It turned out that maintaining the lifelong friendship and partnership between my wife and I was more important than conforming to a standard for marriage that did not make us happy.

So we are in an open marriage. And we still have our struggles. And every day we are happy to have each other.

I have no idea how Ossie and Ruby arrived at their arrangement, but I know several couples who live in successful open marriages. Everyone’s story is very different.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

Reader that wrote this comment hopefully you’ll return to see this. I wanted to know why you felt it was important for you to play with other women?
http://rawdawgb.blogspot.com rawdawgbuffalo

that aint being married to me

rawdawgbuffalos last blog post..the great unifier
Mommyagain30

I can not knock anything that works for someone else’s marriage, but I can safely say this would not work for mine. I would rather be divorced (which is not an option for me) than know and say its ok for my husband to sleep with other women. I have been with my husband for 10 years and at this point in our lives sex means something. So for him to sleep with someone else would be a betrayal. We have had many struggles, we were married fairly young, but this does not seem like a good option to save a marriage
Leslie

Interesting…a marriage where both people are practicing infidelity. So what was the point to saying vows? Maybe you should have had all the women you were interested in, at the alter all at the same time. (That was said in jest, so please don’t try that at home.) That way, you wouldn’t be violating such a sacred, invaluable process. I don’t know if you’re Black or not, but with AIDS being such a major issue in the Black community, it just seems like you’re both taking major fatal chances just for sexual fulfillment. I hope there aren’t children involved, because it would be hard for you two to care for them if you’re both in the hospital with STDs.
kim h20s

I applaud the reader who wrote in about his open marriage. A marriage is a partnership where both parties should agree to a situation / atmosphere that makes them both happy. He was honest with his wife and they both made a decision about what works for them.

You can be a good parent even if you are not monogamous. Children should not be all up in your sex life! As long as you are discreet in what you do and always respectful to your wife and family, than who am I to judge?

Do what works for you.

I am sure that if you are self-aware enough to work towards an open marriage that works, than you are self-aware enough to practice safe sex.

Marriage is about what two people make it. It’s so much more than sex. After all don’t yo spend more time talking to your spouse, listening to the radio, or eating then you do having sex?

I admit this situation wouldn’t work for me, but I know plenty of people who do practice polyamory (loving more than one person at a time) and they are no worse the wear for it.
Misbeehavin

If they like it , I love it. It wouldn’t work for me. Whether they are both satisfied with that decision or not, it’s Adultery. Last time I checked it was wrong. Some people just want they cake and eat it too. JMO
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com/ SingLikeSassy

This situ wouldn’t work for me. I would opt for divorce. I want someone who wants and needs me. If his needs are being met outside our union I just don’t see how we could maintain our connection and bond.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheMom

I wonder if his wife is truly happy with this situation ..or if she is settling just to keep her man. If it works for them….then that is great. However, TheDad better not even think about it!!!

I would have to say that this type of behavior does pose a danger to the children for a variety of reasons. When you introduce a new person into your relationship, you can not control how this person is going to act. Will they respect the open marriage… will they become a stalker….will somebody get physically hurt because of this….? You don’t know what will happen when you start letting people into your lives ( Everybody saw Fatal Attraction….right!!!)
Lovelyk

Hey, i’m curious to know whether or not it’s even possible to find a man that is faithful. I know it sounds judgemental but i truely believe that men and woman are wired dirrerently. and there are a lot of good men out there but even they cheat. They just cover up their tracks very well. how do you know for sure that your man is being 100% faithful? Cause no matter how much you please a man he’s still going to want something new and different at some point in time……right?
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

The same way you know your woman is going to be 100% faithful.
http://mylifemylovemyfinance.blogspot.com Ms. HM (fa.k.a. Mom of 3)

I couldn’t operate in a marriage like this. I was married when I was 19 and divorced at 22 because of my husband’s infidelity. I believe that sex in a marriage is sacred and the marriage bed should not be defiled.

With that said, everyone’s marriage and belief’s about marriage are personal to them. If that is what works for the reader and his wife, then so be it.

Ms. HM (fa.k.a. Mom of 3)s last blog post..My Finance: Spending On the Weekend
Ruby128

I agree with the Mom, there are some women that will do “different” things to stay in their relationship. And you never know some people would rather have this type of situation then to have their mate sneak and cheat.

I’ve always believed a marriage or any relationship for that matter is what you make it, do what works for you and not live up to someone else’s opinion. But for me this is NOT an option – borderline crazy if you ask me.
Is that Really Marriage?

I was thinking… if you read through these comments..many people are saying marriage is what you make it…it’s ok to have an open marriage if that is what works for you…..

Maybe this is why there are soo many divorces today and why we are having so many problems in our society. Why are we so lax with our morals? Why are we settling for all of this outrageous stuff.

It is almost like it is politically correct to say ( if it works for them…then it is ok….) But where are the folks that are saying This is wrong….it is not marriage. If you want to do this ..call it what it is .. we are cheating… we are committing adultery…. we are not willing to work on it hard enough….but don’t call it marriage.

And I already know…I am going to get many responses from people stating people can do what they want to do… yes..I know that…..but I would love to hear from people that also think this is a bunch of bull.

And to the reader……you thought it was honarable to tell your wife how you were feeling… ??? So you did not know that you felt this way before you married your wife..you are telling me the entire time you were dating you did not know this about yourself….hmmmm
Anna

I will use my own name which the name that I use everyday is my real name. I was the one who cheated. I told my husband. I honestly do believe that because 2 wrongs that my husband never cheated on me, not even for revenge because some believe you have a right to. When I told my husband my so called reasons for doing what I did he did understand that we were not connected. Marriage is not all about sex
Anna

Sorry, computer hit a key that I was not ready to post my comment yet. I know what I did was wrong. I am just glad that i told him and he told his mom and she sent him back home to me to work it out. I am far from perfect and My husband and even his family knew that we loved each other and we needed time to grow. Will I consider an open marriage because my husband wants to get back at me for doing what I dd or thinks that he deserves the so called pay back. Nope, because he is not that kind of man. I do not believe that all men cheat. I have learned that if sex is taken out of the equation that you really get to know someone and don’t go back to what was once familiar to you. What I did happend so long ago. My husband does not throw what I did back in my face because he has shown me forgiveness and love. There were many posts that I read on here today that talked about “when you find your own security, you will grow. Not saying what I did was right but it was a growing process for the both of us, and a blessing in deguise. Don’t do what I did to prove something or to say “Hey wake up”. What I did I forgot about until this post and I just wanted to be honest with the room.
MINA

I am in total agreement with “Is that really marriage”.
What they agreed to do is not marriage. You know what it says to me when someone would rather opt for an open relationship as opposed to staying faithful to the one they are with, it says they are cowardly and lazy. Fear of be a responsible husband and lazy enough to choose the easiest option, seeing others. Not only does that show a lack of concern for your spouse, and your children, but also the new person you are getting involved with on the side. I beleive your wife may have just agreed to this to keep you around or perhaps to have her chance to finally find a better more commitment oriented man. These are my thoughts, and take them as such. I could care less about the foolishness that is people passing this off as what works for them. Gauranteed, this situation will not last long at all. GAURANTEED!
MINA

In addition to what I just said, perhaps this man should consider couseling or some kind of psychological evaluation. There is a deeper reasoning behind wanting to see other women and choosing that over your marriage in the first place. I am serious on this folks, I believe this man along with his wife are in need of psychological help. If only for the children!
Anonymous

What is wrong with you people, yes that is what i meant you people because it is a select group of you that think any and everything goes. It is wrong and in the long run somebody is going to get hurt mentally or physically. This is not how God intended for us to live so that is why it will not work. It is a fact that you are not happy with each other or your self. When it gets this bad you should say i don’t know about this brother but i am going to get some help for myself. It is no way i will allow someone to lower my standards about myself to practice such a deceitful act of opening my marriage up to anyone. Respect yourself and do better, i am sure one day you will find a person that you will want to spend the rest of your life with, then you will be the first to say hey that’s mine all mine and mean it.