Dear BMWK… Young Marriage

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on July 5th, 2008 | 12 comments

Dear BMWK,

My bf and I have been dating for 5 years and 1 month. Im 21 and hes 23. I just think that if he has not proposed to me yet he is not sure and I have a feeling that I should break up with him because I feel that hes never going to commit. I really think that I should break up with him but at the same time I am afraid that I will make the wrong decision. Does anyone have any advice for me? Should I continue the relationship or should I cut him loose?

Her View
If you were older, I would say 5 years is definitely long enough for him to know if he wants to marry you or not. But this is different since you are so young. I don’t think that a 23 year old man (or woman for that fact) should be expected to commit to marriage (even after dating someone for five years.) As many of our readers have stated before,…A man has to be ready for a commitment….you can not force him into such an important decision.

In my opinion, you have so much more living to do and things to experience. I would say give this marriage topic a rest. You don’t necessarily have to break up with him. But you should focus on yourself..your goals… knowing what you want out of life and a relationship….continuing education, take a traveling job, travel with your girlfriends, try different careers. There is just soo much to do. Why rush into marriage if you don’t have to? And yes, there are some people out there that married their high school sweetheart at a young age and are still married. But given the divorce rates now-a-days, I would say investing more time into knowing yourself and working on your goals is the best thing that you can do for your future marriage.

His View
I’m pretty much with TheMom on this one. Normally I’d say 5 years is traveling time but… at your age ( I know you don’t want to hear this) all of that is kinda out the door. You were sixteen when you started dating so that doesn’t count, you have to take away those puppy love years and just reflect on the time that it has been an adult relationship. Not to say that young marriage can’t work because I have a working example in my own family but like TheMom said use this time to make sure you know yourself. Enjoy yourself, you’ve got so much of life to live don’t feel like you’re on the clock. Now what you should do in the relationship depends on what your life goals and plans are and his… do they match up? How does he treat you… stuff like that. I say focus on whether he is the right bf for you right now, not the right husband.

BMWK weigh in on this one and tell us what you think… Also keep checking back we know you guys love the Dear BMWK pieces and we’ve got a few more in the can we’ll be rolling out over the next few days. Between us and you we’re giving them some good stuff so the questions are starting to roll in. Don’t forget if you have something you’d like discussed on BMWK just email your questions to info@blackandmarriedwithkids.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com/ SingLikeSassy

Have you two talked about what it is you want for your lives? Or are you assuming he should know you want to be married because you’ve dated for 5 years? If you aren’t clear on the direction of the relationship then open your mouth and let that me known. He may not want to marry you. Or, he may want to marry you, just not right this minute. Maybe he has some goals he wants to accomplish before taking on the responsibility of a wife and marriage. But it seems all this could be cleared up one way or the other by communicating with each other.
http://keepittrill.blogspot.come Kit (Keep It Trill)

What bothers me the most about her letter is it’s notable lack of passion for this man.. She sounds in love with the idea of marriage to the man, and not the man.

Based on this alone, she should break off the affair. Passion is a necessary ingredient for a marriage to survive. I’m not speaking of sexual passion either – but rather, mental and emotional passion.

She also said some other very important things: I have a feeling… and I really think… but I’m afraid…. The first two is her gut intuition talking; the second is her fear of losing a fantasy idea that been nurtured for years. It’s the fantasy that’s causing her delay and undermining her intuition and judgment.

I’m routing for a clean break without excessive drama so they can say goodbye and keep their dignity and respect for one another.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

I think we all can look back around that age and think of someone at the time that we thought would be the one but now we look back and say what the h#$% were we thinking

Like I said before I just want her to realize she has plenty of time and there’s no need to rush it. Most importantly listen to the signs.
perfectlyme

I understand where this young lady is coming from. I too felt like it was time to get married when I was 24 y.o. (after being in my relationship for a while). I am happy to say, that I am glad we didn’t. My bf (who is now my fiance) are still together, but I feel blessed that we’ve had the opportunity to grow mentally as well as intimately with one another. I believe that when you are younger, you may not always see things as clearly, and at times that may result in making too many rush decisions. Be be mindful that all things come in due time. We have to be conscious of that. I like to live by this motto, “Our time does not equate to God’s time.” So, let life take its course. . . . . . it will happen . . . . . . . when the time is right !~

Stay focused and blessed !~
Mommyagain30

I don’t think just because she is young she is not ready for marriage. I met my now husband at 20 and we were married when I was 22, we have been married almost 8 years. I am not going to say we have not had our struggles because we have, but we also have a very strong bond and friendship. I know every situation is different, but I don’t think her age is the main factor. I think she does need to talk to her bf, he may not be ready for marriage I don’t think she should leave him if he is not. It takes some men longer to get ready for that level of commitment. I think the main thing is she needs to talk to him and find out what he wants and to communicate to him what she wants.
http://mylifemylovemyfinance.blogspot.com Ms. HM (fa.k.a. Mom of 3)

I married my high school love when we were 19 and we were divorced at 22. Part of the reason we divorced was because of our maturity level, BUT it was definately not the main reason or the only reason. I also have family members who married their high school love and 30 years later are still married. I agree with others, you should talk to your boyfriend to find out if you are both on the same page with eventually wanting to be married and when. Right now, take this time to get to know yourself better and like the Mom said, try new careers, travel, etc. When you are married, you can’t do those things on a whim. Blessings to you.
http://www.hairsmystory.com LeAnne

This hit home for me. A friend of mine is struggling with the same thing.

LeAnnes last blog post..HairsMyStory.com?: Shear Genius 2, Ep. 2: The Orange County Girls
Lovelyk

I’d like to say that if it’s real love that you two share, don’t let it go. From personal experience, I dated my high school love on and off for 4 years (from age 15-19). We had a beautiful friendship and very cool relationship. everything was not how i wanted it to be and i expected him to just know what to do to change it. But sometimes guys are just as clueless as us. I took our great relationship for granted because i was not sure how our future would end up so i broke up with him. Do you know that since my first love i have not met anyone until recently who could offer me the type of relationship i deserve? I’m 23, rely on myself to get things done, beautiful inside and out but ended up setting and meeting a bunch of losers who were not even half the man my first love was.

All i’m trying to say is that i had a good man that i left because i was so worried about my future that i let it permeate into my present. and he ended up meeting someone else who he’s been with since we broke up and guess what? they’re engaged to be married. He was a good man (my understanding of a good man is someone who is loving,. respectful to you and fam., has a job/career, education beyond high school, works hard, pays his bills on time, takes care of his girlfriend, good sex, and you two have a good connection and friendship) and i didn’t even know it because i had never been with anyone else. Granted he and i still have an awesome friendship because we truely had a bond. But he’s with someone else and i’ll never get that chance again. Continue to move forward with your boyfriend if he’s what you want in a man, because some people don’t look back after they make a decision.

All i’m saying is you should talk to him so you two are clear of you expectations, and if he’s a good man and does right by you, you should stick it out and focuss on your goals individually as well as collectively. Because you don’t want to end something good because you don’t get what you want right now. Because you could leave him to be with a lot of guys that are worse and don’t offer you as much. if you’re not careful another woman will slip into your place and scoop him up because she knows the signifigance of a good man.

Also seek advice from someone older, That has a positive influence on your life, preferably a man or woman with years of knowledge and wisdom and listen to their take on it. Because there is nothing new under the sun and we’ve all been there at some point in time. Posting this on the internet is a good idea too but you also can’t listen to everyone. The Mom & Dad have some good advice. When we’re young we don’t think as clearly, give it some time and see how your relationship blossoms. But listen to your gut feelings, they never steer you wrong.
Anna

@ Lovelyk
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well said. I don’t want my daughters to run around looking like floosies(I spell it like I hear it). I do want them to date more than one man before they think they are ready to be a wife. If you don’t have anything to compare him to your options are limited. One man may have money and you may find that attractive. One man may be handy around the house and you may like that. One may may have a hot body another man may have a dream that you want to help him acheive. My point is, its ok to date. Every man is not the perfectly wrapped man that your ideal of a man is.

It is called “compromise”. It is not a “I’ll take him because he does this or that” It is to ones own blessing to marry one that complments the two of you to become a whole. Who wants to marry someone just like them. I don’t think that I would marry me. LOL. You have to balance it all out. I married a man that is another father to my children. I married a man who makes me laugh and we don’t sweat the things that we can not change. No one said marriage is easy. It is sometimes a chore. But, it is a chore that I look forward to each day. Everyone has mood swings and to be able to share it with a spouse (for me) is one of those “the good so much out weighs the bad. For those who are too picky. or too quicky to marry. sit back and look at the situation. We are able in America to marry who ever we choose. Don’t marry because your clock is ticking or you don’t want to be a old maid sitting in a house full of cats. Marry because that is what you want and feel is right for you. Any one under 25 gettting married to me is a mistake. (just my opinion) You don’t know the you you are until you are over 25. What you think you want at 20 is not going to be the same thing that you think you want at 25. What I thought I wanted by the time I was 30, is not what I have at 40. Yes I have a nice car. Yes I have a a house note, a career, I have a roof over my head a car that is paid off. I know I am blessed, but I don’t have the new car or the new home that my goals and my mind set for me 10 yrs ago. Am I bitter? Nope. Gas prices are so high and where I live the foreclosure rate is the highest in the country. I still have my job to go to Mon-Friday, I still have my paid for car that needs some minor work on to drive me to work. I still have my house to live in and I still have my kids and my husband. Honestly, who could ask for anything more? My goals may have been ten years ago. I don’t have them right now. What do you do in a economy you live in that really sucks? I know where my kids, hubby and job is. In a marriage with kids, It is not about me at all. To re think getting married is not a bad thing. To get an educaion and some experience under your belt is a good thing. I am older and have both a huuby, kids, house and education. I still feel like I make minimum wage. MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR THOSE WILLING TO REARRAGE YOUR WAY OF LIVING SINGLE. If you are not going to commit don’t bother. Every woman wants a cinderella wedding, are you really up for the marriage?
Kim C.

My struggles w/ the issue:
Having been ready for marriage since I was 17 yrs of age (though I didn’t get married until 23), I can say that the biggest challenge was meeting a guy that was mature enough to be serious with and capable of taking care of a home.

My hangup w/ people saying that 21/23 is too young for marriage:
Our generation of young men are “groomed” by society and the world into thinking that their 20′s are baby years.
They are taught that they are too young to even think about doing “grown-up” things like marriage, commitment, and being responsible.
No wonder we have all of these YOUNG black single mothers left to take care of children who’s fathers are out playing, and more and more YOUNG black people getting hiv/aids, and YOUNG men filling up the jails. They are being taught that “cool” is foolishness and wastefulness. “Don’t worry about taking ANYTHING seriously now, you’ve got forever to get right”

Luckily for me I did meet my knight in shining armor. Someone mature, Godly, raised right. He had already completed 4 yrs in the army and had some money making potential under his belt. Other than that, we’ve been praying and working together, finishing school to accomplish all of the things we want and get where we want to be
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Gobbi

The only thing you can’t do being married that you can when your not is having Sex with other people. And if you had that kind of attitude then you shouldnt be in a relationship at all!
sure yuo have to think about the other person with all your decisions. im going to be 18 when a get married…But some people ya know out here in the real world WANT familys. for some people settleing down and haveing a family is all that matters to them and there are stya at home moms. Not everyone has to go to college and get a “real” job. back in the old times it would be un heard of for a woman To be 21 and NOT married. and to have a job.
the point is its all about personaly opinion. the sick world now days wants to sleep around with everyone possible and party and drink. well there is nothing wrong for the mature young people who want to settle down earlier than the rest of sociaty.

Dear BMWK… Young Marriage

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