Dear BMWK, I Have Trust Issues

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on July 10th, 2008 | 10 comments

Dear BMWK,

I have trust issues and was wondering how can I begin to get over them?

HIS VIEW:
Keep in mind that the man you are dating now is not responsible for what the man you dated before did to you. You can easily miss out on a good thing by holding someone accountable for something they had nothing to do with. That may be easier said than done but I can say from experience during my swinging single days that if women have that wall up sometimes it’s hard as a muther to break down if the guy feels like going through that at all.

HER VIEW:

I think that people that have trust issues are scared of being hurt, disappointed, or let down again. You have to take those bad experiences and learn from them and grow.

For instance in my past, I was in a relationship with a person that truly did not deserve my trust. Nothing about him showed that he was trustworthy and yet I chose to put my trust in this person. Now I look back on that time and I try to think of how I should have handled those situations differently. I don’t blame myself for the things that this person did. But I do recognize that I should have made better decisions for my self.

Now, I am a married to a good man, TheDad, and I totally trust him. I can’t hold him responsible for things that he did not do. (But believe me when we first started dating,I had that wall up. And I tried to question him about things for no reason other than that I was not going to let him hurt me like some other guy hurt me.) TheDad helped me to see that I really had no reason not to trust him. And it actually feels good to trust him.

If you are having trust issues with the person you are with, take some time to think about if these issues are really with him…has he truly done something to cause you not to trust him. Or, are these old unresolved issues that are creeping up.

BMWK, help a sister out, let her know what you think will help her.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Anna

It is hard to trust after being hurt. I told my man(then) who is now my husband, I will give you the best of me but you will also get the worst of me because of everything I have been through. I guess he must love a challange. I can say that it does get better when you find a man willing to help you chisle through the walls of hurt. I don’t have to check his phone, wallet or pockets looking for what ever it is we use to look for in our past with other men. I feel safe and am secure with me now so that makes me that way in my marriage. Not sure if it is because I am married and not just shacking up. I am also older and do my own things. I don’t necessarily wait tor him to come home when he is at the gym or just out with the boys. It is always nice to see him when he comes home but I don’t live my life for him. When he is gone it gives me time to read a book or crochet or plan my weekend. I guess I am just too old to worry about things I can’t control. A spouse is suppose to add substance to your life not suck the life out of you.
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com/ SingLikeSassy

How about you just get over it? Cause what’s the alternative, you never trust anyone and end up bitter and alone? If that’s what you’re aiming for, fine, but it doesn’t sound that way, so I would suggest you choose not to let something someone did way back when have enough lasting power over you that you can’t have a healthy relationship.
Misbeehavin

I have trust issues myself. To be quite honest, I don’t trust anyone. Sad but true. I’m working on it. I believe some of it stems from pass expierience. But I believe, I have made peace with my pass and I have excepted every mistake I have made. But thats neither here nor there and I have learned to move on. I agree with The Mom, you have to sit and ask yourself why you feel that way and just get to the bottom of the problem.
Anna

@iSigLikeSassy How about you just get over it? Cause what’s the alternative, you never trust anyone and end up bitter and alone? If that’s what you’re aiming for.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Not easy to get over when you have kids and bills together. Not easy to get over when you were the the scorned one. It’s not like a light switch that you can turn on and off . Maybe some ppl can get over it quicker if sex was the only thing exchanged. Just my opinion, no need for a back lash.
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com/ SingLikeSassy

@Anna: You missed the point of my post. I didn’t say it was easy, I said “choose not to let something someone did way back when have enough lasting power over you that you can’t have a healthy relationship.”

Most people who date, love etc. get hurt or scorned, but at some point you have to decide not to surrender that power to the person who hurt you and decide to be happy. And then, get about BEING happy.

My daddy said to me once: do you think [that person who hurt me] is crying over you, not able to move forward? Or are they out living their lives, having fun with someone else?

Take back your power.
Leslie

Your “trust issue” may also be your intuition. I think you should take some quiet time to yourself, and decide: is the trust issue the direct result of vibes you’ve been getting from the person you’re currently seeing, or is it a result of previous heartache and disappointment. This takes time and discretion, so don’t rush. Love and most other emotions alike, have their own pace and their own time-frame. Let things run their course. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it to just sort things out. The only way to have a successful future in love, is to let go of past failures in love lost. I wish you the best!!
Anna

@ SingLikeSassy Says:
July 10th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
@Anna: You missed the point of my post. I didn’t say it was easy, I said “choose not to let something someone did way back when have enough lasting power over you that you can’t have a healthy relationship.”

Most people who date, love etc. get hurt or scorned, but at some point you have to decide not to surrender that power to the person who hurt you and decide to be happy. And then, get about BEING happy.

My daddy said to me once: do you think [that person who hurt me] is crying over you, not able to move forward? Or are they out living their lives, having fun with someone else?

Take back your power.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks, I got it now and we do all go through it. Why worrry about them when they have moved on. My best motto is the old saying’ “Living Well Is The Best Revenge.
Kim C.

There’s nothing wrong with having trust issues. Its part of your living/learning experiences “I’v learned that people do hurt, lie, cheat, and make a fool out of other people”. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’ve been schooled.

You take your lesson and move forward optimistically, head high, ready to love once again.
Use your “training” for any future signs that someone is attempting to do it again BUT reasonably and discreetly as not to upset or irritate your partner who may very well be upstanding. Your best bet is to get someone with high moral standards of living and loving
Nicole

thank you all for your feed back, this was a question that I asked. The issues stem from a combination of things. We used to date from the age of 13-18 and had a child. He has been incarcerated from 18 until now. We have been back together for 7 months. We had trust issues before and I have had them in between on top of he is 3000 miles away….there is a lot to consider,, but I think I am better off letting go and loving because I chose to give him another chance, so why not make it a fair one!
vintagesage

I think it is important to know self and to accept that nobody is perfect. If we have expectations, we will always be disappointed because people are always going to be human with faults and we can only control ourselves. In my opinion with self love you can let go of the past and move on to the future with hope that all things work together for good. Take each lesson of pain and let it bring awareness for change, where we have made an error in making the wrong choices. I think we put our trust in the wrong things in life so we continue to fail in guarding the affections of our heart because it can be broken and then we are left alone to pick up the pieces to put it back together, but this time-not the same.

Dear BMWK, I Have Trust Issues

About the author

Facebook Fan Page

You Saved Me – DVD

Happily Ever After – DVD

Men Ain’t Boys – DVD

BMWK Classic Posts

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

BMWK Partners