Guest Post: (Why) Do (Some) Black Women Love Thugs!?!?
Today we’ve got a guest post by friend of the blog - Averagebro from www.averagebro.com. Make sure you check out his blog, we take it in on a daily basis. I’m telling you, you don’t want to miss it.
Before ya’ll jump down my throat for this one, peep the post title again.
I don’t wanna burn too much on this, since it’s been talked about ad nauseum on enough other blogs already, but Hollyweird lightweight Lauren London (ATL, This Christmas, and uhhh… what else has she been in?!?) recently sparked a minor controversy with some of her comments in the lad-mag King Magazine. When asked the type of guys she prefers, she responded with these words of sage wisdom and whatnot.
KING: So you want a man who’s both honest and thug?
London: An authentic gangsta—that deletes about half the rap game off your list. I love guys who are street. I won’t even give soft guys a chance. Menace II Society is my shit! Caine was like my first crush. Actually, O-Dog was my true dream guy. I was in love with him, from that opening scene where he pops the convenience-store worker. He had me from that gunshot [laughs]. He was ’hood, and I loved that.
Never mind the fact that Caine ended up dead on a sidewalk at the end of the movie, London (who always seems a few footlongs shy of a Quiznos) presents a sentiment that I’ve heard from lots of other brothers over the years.
My life as a single guy is distant history, so I’m pleading the fizzith on this one. But general reaction in the blogosphere from men has been that London’s right, Black Women do like thugs and pass over more “positive” brothers, while many Black Women think Lauren’s a bubblehead.
Since I’m an get-wit’ and this is a lazy Sunday, I figure I’ll leave this one up to you guys to debate.
Question: Does Lauren London have a point? Do Black women generally prefer thugs over more “upstanding” brothers or is she just speaking for herself? Fellas, assuming you’re not a thug (and I doubt you are if you’re a reader of this blog) do you find Black Women go for the flashy and gritty a bit too much?
(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
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im not a guy buy wanted to say that when any woman/girl is choosing a thug for a relationship, she’s basically saying this anyway.
i think the whole “tough guy” exterior is what we as females have been groomed from childhood to expect and love about men. they’re bigger than us, stronger than us, voices deeper than ours, and will stand up and fight for a cause ( the army, respect, territory etc.) i think many black women are confusing “manly” for “thug”. they are completely different
I’m not a guy, but I have to speak for black women. There are MANY of us out here who really do not want a thug. I want that guy with a job, his own place, dreams and goals! I have a real life and I want a man with his own real life too.
Fellas, we’re out here!
Rachels last blog post..Big Brother 10 and Applebees
I’m not a man, but from my female perspective, I do not prefer thugs. As Kim C. said in her response, we seem to be confusing manly for thug. I think Lauren’s statement about loving O-Dogg from the first time she saw him pop the convenience store worker is just really sad. I’m raising my daughters to want more out of a man than his thug lifestyle. We have got to do better.
Ms. HMs last blog post..My Financial Confessions: Part II
I keep waiting for someone to tell me this is a joke. I really hope Lauren really didn’t make such an ignorant statement.
I’m a woman and I’ve never wanted a thug and neither have any of my friends. Truth be told, no one wants a ‘pansy’ dude either but there is a happy medium.
savvys last blog post..Miscellaneous Money Stuff
Girls prefer Thugs, Women know better. I was shocked myself when I read this on another blog. How you can be attracted to a character in a movie who commented Murder is beyond me. As a black woman I can say that I have never liked or been attracted to “thugs”.
I can’t and will not speak for all women… i’m orginally from NY and i love my NY “thug” brothers - period. When i was in my 20’s the average guys in my neighborhood were the thug brothers — rough-necks as MC Lyte would say…now luckily i didn’t date hard core drug dealers or was i abused by any of the guys i dated and for the guys i didn’t date some were more like brothers who looked out for me. But as I got older, i no longer though it was cute for a man to look or act like he had no intelligence nor did i want to be associated in a stero-typed relationship. This was the enviornment i grew up in which is neither good or bad, folks kept it real and kept it moving. But i also had old-school parents and a variety of positive influences so i had no problem interacting with all types of guys and people in general for that matter because we lived in a melting pot. My point is i wouldn’t date anyone that is a negative influence on my life.
But would i date a thug now? maybe if his name was Jay-Z.
Only woman on the site have left commments.
Ruby128 Saysents. But would i date a thug now? maybe if his name was Jay-Z.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is Jay-Z a thug or a thug with money?
Some woman like the thug life, the thrill is in the chase for both involved. Age does play a part of it. I am too old to chase a thug or even give him the time of day. If you ingonre a thug he gets mad at you and says you are a bitch because you ignored his advances or his comments. Thugs to me are nothing more than grown a@@@XXXXXXXXXX men who think because they have money they can have you, spit you out and talk about it all day long. I have never been with a so called “thug” nor do I want to. To all the thugs out there , don’t soliciate a real woman in the grocery store or shopping with her chidren and get mad that she does not holla back at you. All woman are not thug seekers and they are not for sale. It does amaze me how much clout a thug thinks he really has. SMH wondering why a “thug wants to be a thung”. I can only pray for their moms and hope they don’t encourage their childs “thug ife”".
I also noticed all women replied, maybe the fellas that read the site all have women so they’re not familiar with the plight of the man that’s home along because all of the women in his life want thugs. (Or their either thugs themselves… LOL.. or at least internet thugs
I sort of figured there wouldn’t be any women who would cop to liking thugs. Any regular dude out here has faced this struggle. lol At the risk of being called bitter, I won’t go much further, but believe me, they like the boys in the band, and the bad boy. lol Now there are some who have grown up a little and have realized that thug stuff isn’t getting it done, but then you have some who haven’t left that mentality. They want this new type of thug, the corporate thug. Whatever the heck that means. lol
I’m no authority on thug-ism, but in my opinion and in reply to the Jay Z comment….Jay Z is a thug with money or an intelligent hoodlum if you will, he flipped his situation and made it work for him…..he’s in the minority and not the average brother — hence my previous comment.
I also agree that age does play a huge part in it not to mention your surroundings…when i was in my teens most of the girls (myself included) were intrigued with the guys that had the cars, the money, the look, the attitude –the power if you will - and these guys were in their teens as well and they (so-called) had it all, so yes that was appealing, because in our naivety we didn’t know or want to know no better. But it was only when i matured (and when most them ended up dead or in jail) that my views on what type of man i wanted changed - not to mention my parents were not having it! As a woman (with my teens long behind me) I can only speak for the guys i dated or knew that are still here, most have matured and moved on, but still have that thug mentality because that’s just part of their make-up, and for the ones that are still acting like the menace II society fools…they will end up just like the characters in that movie. I really don’t beleive there are too many grown positive women that want to date a type of man that would bring violence to her and her family and keep her life in constant 24/7 jeopardy - that’s a thug! So the comment from Lauren doesn’t apply - that’s a comment of a young foolish child. I think the message that we have to send to our young males, is that a thug-type lifestyle is not to be glamorized because the cons outweigh the pros everytime and to the young females, we have to respect and deserve more of ourselves. Ignorance and negative influences is what clouds our judgement or lack there of.
And black woman wonder why brothers aren’t going
after them anymore.
A real woman first of all is petite not some ruff ass
woman.
And ladies if you think it’s hard finding a good man, will
your daughters don’t have a chance……..
And black woman wonder why they have the highest hiv rate in the world.
I guess when women realize that the independant complex is left alone. Then they will begin to actually appreciate a good man to come in and give him a G-damn hug. This has been the root of the problem since the women’s liberation, but that is just it black women got liberated for being women. Black men have a more tougher path, so that is why we cling to sports, entertainment, hustling, thuggin…This helps us as men to survive, I understand this but hustling/thuggin has consquences. Which infect the black family/community. For a Lauren London, to make that kinda statement is sad for that fact that it gives these men the incentive that doing dirt I can get a so-called beauty queen.
@LAMAR and the dude
A “petite” (which is used in the entirely wrong context anyway, I think you meant something more akin to feminine but humble– petite means small) woman likes thugs just as much as a ruff woman or hoodrat does. Trust I know.
And as for thedude. Black women liking “thugs” doesn’t have anything to do with HIV rates. “Good” dudes have HIV too. Wrap it up regardless.
Some black women do love thugs. I think of fast money when I think “thug”. And some women want a man who has that, who is considered “hard” because it makes them feel safe. Some want a man to buy them the flashy things and ask for nothing or some sex in return. To some women that’s nothing.
Lets just say that if the kind article is correct. There are alot of black women that have absolutely no idea what they want at all in a man.
I am starting to see why black women claim there are no “good” black men, because they look only for thugs and think that they become good men once they meet them(wtf??) So basically you want a thug that is willing to give you flowers, yet leave you taking care of baby when he gets ya pregnant but as long as he “carries a long pipe” he allllllllllllll good. Or maybe when he caps someone or jacks someone up and uses that money to take your ass to get nails or don pierron.
And you wonder why black women are not respected too much in overall society. Okay, I don’t want to go on because this kind of article really gives me bad state of mind about ALL black women. Good thing not ALL think like the London woman.
Some sistas want a thug yet complain about his thuggish ways. I know all black women aren’t this assine, when her ass gets capped by one, maybe she will rethink her “preference”.
when the brothers did come out they didn’t half step. wow
lol, not surprised by this article at all. All most woman do is complain about there being no good men but talk about they want a thug. Well thats why there are no good men because you dont have the sense to look for one. Also will one of the ladies please define what a thug is because I haven’t met one yet. Half of the woman who think they are with thugs are really wit fags who like it in t a$$. Why you think the black population holds the record for HIV/AIDS So you woman keep on wanting them thugs that like men and will give you a baby along with a disease. I grew up in Camden NJ and live in Patterson, NJ for years. Some ruff streets growing up but I could tell you what a thug looks like. I made my way out of the hood but I have class but ain’t no bitch either. So I think wanting a thug is more of a fake image but keep wanting them thugs and you will get exactly what you deserve, NOTHING…
I’m a woman. From Detroit…the actualy city aka the hood. I’ve never wanted a thug. What would we talk about? I can’t say Black women prefer one or the other. Especially since those aren’t the only type of guys out there. Just because you are successful doesnt mean you arent just as much of a thug at hear as a drug dealer. At the end of the day, women are attracted to confidence, command, and power. Some women have grown up seeing “thug” imagery as having that command and the more professional Black man as subservient. There’s a variety of Black women, so I’m sure we are attracted to all kinds of people. So, no, I wouldnt say the majority is attracted to “thugs”
Paulas last blog post..Come Close….*snicker*
I think its interesting that we (people commenting) Lauren London’s comments in KING Magazine as representative of Black women. If we took some silly statement from Plies and then say, “and black men wonder why…blah blah” then there would be problems. We can use her as representative because you’d expect her to be a dream come true because of the way that she looks…
Paulas last blog post..Come Close….*snicker*
Ouch Billionaire. Nothhing wrong with speaking the truth. A thug is a thug is a thug. Some woman may be so desperate that a thug is their only means of survvival. Parents kick out(throw away their kids everyday). Is it right? Heck no. There is a generation of kids who are now 18-20 yrs old whos parents don’t want anything to do with . Lauren London ’s statement is just a sad statement. We have to give her a pass for stupidy and age. I want a man with a backbone and a voice to back it up. If a woman wants a thug, you can have him. NO competiton needed. How does the song go. ” A real man know a real woman comes first”. i don’t want to be in a singular sensation with a thug man and his chosen girl. is she’s just a thug herself. I like to relish in the fact that my husband knows that his wife may not always come first b but I do know that PMS with men and woman takes turns.
Woman with HIV have a higher rate
because the black men they choose like the sex’ in jail with another man. They get out of jail and the waiting woman has a home for them to come home to and resumes his manly/husbandly duties and does not whisper a word to her that he likes male on male sex. Occording to him, he is not gay. Hiv is not a joke and a DL man is not the business, Are woman so desperate to have a man that they wait and sit around for him to to come home from jail. Nelson Madela’s wife waited for him for 27 years. A political jailing is different than a thug jailing. I know that Nelson and his wife are divorced. She did wait and protest for both ot them. Men if you are stupid I don’t feel a woman has to wait for you. Is a female stupid for having sex with someone whe thinks is the next best thing. Nope. I am not afraid of Aids or in the past afraid of getting tested. If you are active and don’t use a condom the worst thing that can happen is a unwanted child. Most children are a surprise but most wrap it up because of Aids.
I’ve heard sistas tell me that the attraction to thugs stems from women (or girls) not having had a relationship with their fathers. Whether that’s true or not, my boys and I have a pact to let each other know if a woman we’d consider dating had a past with thugs. If so, they get treated like women treat men who’ve been known to frequent prostitutes in their past.
Anna good point. The thing is Lauren is not the first person to make that comment. That’s why everyone is comparing it to black women because a majority of black women have made that same statement but worded it different.
Paula you also hit the nail right on the head. People have this so called image of a thug but a business man can have just as much heart but just doesn’t wear his pants down to his ankles with a dirty dingy tee. I think I just get aggrevated when I hear the word thug because to me they dont exist to me because I can do anything a so called thug can do without thinking twice I just dont have that image.
Not all women like thugs but a certain type of woman likes thugs because that is how they think men should behave, they like drama, and they choose men that reflect what they believe relationships are about.
*Some* black women like thugs because they think it’s all that they deserve plus, if you *only* want to be with a black man, you may think that your pool is a little shallow and fiercely competitive if you only fish from the professional pool.
Lauren London is basically saying ‘I like excitement. I like men who have a whole lotta drama in tow with them because I think that relationships are about drama, ambiguity, and never being too sure of what your man is going to do on any particular day. I’m turned on by power and authority, even if it is a man that walks into a shop and shoots up some people. But I won’t seek out power and authority with a professional black men with his trousers on tight, because he won’t be exciting, and secretly, I don’t think I am good enough to be with a man that isn’t a thug.’
wow - Mwanga Says….if a woman we’d consider dating had a past with thugs. If so, they get treated like women treat men who’ve been known to frequent prostitutes in their past.
So a woman that had previously dated a thug would be treated as such and compared to a man that frequented a prostitute?? i get the “you can turn a ho’ into a housewife” logic, but not all women regardless of age that may have dated a thug deserves to stero-typed because of that - maybe she learned from that and is a better person because of it. What if the woman had a past dating only accountants - she should then only date guys in finance or would she be treated as a gold digger, of what if she only dated guys with degrees would she be considered boughee (sp?), the list could go on and on. A person’s character, or if their (negative) past represents their future should be part of the defining factor for deciding to date someone.
Wow, I’m blown away by how one general comment represents all of the black women in the world. I agree fully with NML how they are looking at what London is really saying. Yes i believe that there are many black women young and old who do not have the right perception of a healthy relationship and what it entails. With more positive images and influences, these females who want a “thug” would realize that it’s so much better to deal with a man that values you and doesn’t degrade you. I think its the mentality of a lot of black women, if they felt better about themselves and demanded more from themselves they would’nt want that man with so much drama, 10 baby mommas, hood rat extroidinaire, secretely on the DL, non educated talking kinda brothas.
It’s not right to generalize all men or all women. But i’ve been noticing black woman especially in entertainment have been degrading themselves and it misrepresents all black women as a whole. i for one am and have been taking back my power. Black woman are going to school, raising kids alone, setting positive examples for the younger generation, for the most point, we as women need to demand more from men. That’s why the cliche’ is “there are no good black men”. I used to believe that but when i started respecting myself and demanding more from the men who approach me, i started attracting the “good” black men. What a lot of women have forgotten and maybe don’t know is that we set the standard for relationships. The men then follow the lead for the values we have set in place. If women stop lowering their standards and stop accepting every man that walks in their life, then maybe we could have that healthy loving relationship we long for. Patience is a virtue. It won’t happen overnight, but while you’re waiting for your situation to blossom, do you. Get your mind right, spirit right, bank account right, accomplish your goals, and do more for your own community. We have to get focussed on us, life is not all about finding a man. Concern yourself with your goals and get to it, and when you least expect it, love will walk into your life.
I think I understand your point Ruby128, but I was referring to the similarities of the prostitute and the thug–both are amoral, reckless, and destructive, not just to themselves but also to those around them. And having a history with one or the other speaks to giving in to things you know are wrong, and could have life changing impact, regardless of your age (we can’t write-off a wayward youth like some of our anglo counterparts). Living in D.C., THE DAD and MOM probably remember the notorious case of Kimba Wood, a young lady with great potential who paid a heavy price for her thug fettish. I really hate to see sistas go down that road, but if they do so willingly and over the objections of others, it’s not our job to ’save’ them.
Sorry for the previous typos
I have to regretfully say that woman do want thugs. Of course, this is not my preference but a couple of my closest friends that are older than me (one of them turning 40 this year) who have a lot going for themselves (one even a teacher) choose and prefer low-class, headed toward a dead end thugs. I first and foremost think that they have an unrealsitic idea that these type of men are better lovers and they are going to get some type of “thug lovin” that they would not be able to get from a more educated man that his life together. Secondly, I think it is for the security. They feel like the thug has “street cred” and that makes them feel safe and important. However, the reality is that they are immature, cannot commit, and have no real idea on how a woman is to be treated so it leaves my girlfriends constantly complaining and sadly enough, lonely. When I have tried to take them to more mature places with a better class of men, they have referred to the crowd as weak, and corny. I just want my sistas to come up out of that ridiculous mentality. It is just so sad!
All I got to say is where is Lauren’s daddy?
I am in love with a thug…I’ve been in love with him since the day we met 11 years ago..11 yrs ago, a guy had to be from the street to gain my interest….my husband no longer roams the streets, but he still has that swagger…most women can’t tell the difference from thug to swagger….”good guys” can get more play if they had more SWAG…it’s not about money, drugs, cars, etc…it’s about the way you carry ur self….if you ain’t got that SWAG, then you ain’t got much….
I disagree with Deelightful1974….all thugs are not immature, some do committ and know how to treat a woman..as i stated earlier, my husband is now a hard worker, great provider, exceptional lover and most important my best friend. when we met, he was in the streets, however, he was smart…graduated high school, graduated college, committed himself to helping me become a more stronger and mature woman. back in 97 when i met him, it was for me all about the money, cars, and other stuff…as i grew older so did my outlook on the type of man i wanted to be with…my husband understood that in order to be with me he wld eventually have to give up the “street life”..he was able to do that with no problem and still keep the SWAG….you can always take the guy outta the hood, but not the hood outta the guy……if ur man is willing to step up and do what’s right, then a thug wldn’t be all that bad…..wome who chose thugs based on money and fast life will never reach their lovers true potential…luvn a thug whose in it for the moment, but has a long term plan isn’t all that bad, but luvn a thug with no dreams, then you get what you deserve.
we as women set the boundaries on the treatment we accept…so if you settle for less then that’s what you get…that’s with all men, blue collar, white collar, or street collared…
I think thugs are not real men and give good men a bad wrap. I am a grown man that love to get my grown man on. My definition of grown man is having great credit, a job (with benefits), transportation (charger 08), apartment, providing for my daughter, loving my lady(that im about to propose to today her bday), and not needing anyone to contribute to my finances. I feel that women who pass up other men like me for thugs are as dumb as the thugs they goin after. Thugs can be punks too… just because they can have tatoos and muscles or whatever they can be poodles in the inside… cream filled niggaz… i aint no thug but best believe aint nobody running up in my house that aint gone jump out the window when they hear the sound of that 45 pistol or aint nobody gone disrepect me/family. I feel men can be protectors and providers without being a thug… dont let a college degree fool ya or the fact that i go to work in slacks and ties. I takes care of mines and i get my grown man on… do thugz do that?…There is more to life then just thugn when REAL thugz realize that they will become real men…and when ladies that chase thugz or desire thugz realize that…they will become wifes and not baby momaz……..BAY AREA
a ganstas girl said:
“my husband is now a hard worker, great provider, exceptional lover and most important my best friend….he was smart…graduated high school, graduated college, committed himself to helping me become a more stronger and mature woman”– and also declared he was a thug
YOU just got lucky to get with a thug that decided not to be one anymore (one in a billion chance). this situation is not typical. i hope you do not teach your children this ‘love story’
[...] had all of you going as evidenced in the comments section. If you missed the original post by AverageBro you can click here to read it. Our favorite black, British, blogger NML who blogs at baggage reclaim was so moved by [...]
Nice decent guys don’t finish last they finish 30-35. What I mean is blk women from age 15-29 blk women date everyone that don’t or can’t do anything for em, cheat on em, talk down to em, and more than likely going upside their head, and when they finally want something real they come get you at 30-35. Now here you are been having relations with women, but constantly trampled on and passed up for the thug wanna be, going to school, getting yourself together, and finally you get your chance oh how lucky are you!!! Now here comes this “reformed” woman who might come to at age 30-35 with more than likely emotional,or physical scars from the very same men her people warned about and you gotta deal with it. Lets not even get into financial scars possibly from her ruining her credit buying Jordans, One’s, and co-signing for cars and apartments for these sorry cats, or dealing with her kids from these other guys how lucky you are. I also hear that no father excuse alot and I call it BS!!! I know plenty of women who come from 2 parent homes who still chased thugs, drug dealers, whateva so thats another excuse. I always say-Blk Women know how to treat a wrong man the right way, and a right man the wrong way.
I just think a majority of black women are attracted to thugs because they confuse cockiness with confidence. Quiet confidence is routinely overlooked, imo. But, I think that’s just our community/generation as a whole. You can look at all forms of entertainment and facets of life. Too many of use don’t do or understand subtilty.
8thlights last blog post..They Finally Got O.J.
I’m a masculine Black man and I’m 38. I have a theory that I believe is applicable to state of young black men and young black women conversely. I think young black girls are getting too much of a bad rap when it comes them being associated with wanting to date thugz. And most of those negative comments come from Black men who are not being totally honest with themselves or with the public. Check this out…again, it’s just a theory. When I was in high school in the 80’s on Chicago’s south side, young black girls liked the athletes who sometimes were also the smartests dudes in school…(back then, athletes had to perform well scholastically but I guess now that’s changed). The brothers the young girls admired were the ones who seemingly had a “future”. Girls hoped their boyfriends would get recruited to college on scholarships for sports or academeics. Let’s keep in mind back then, young men carried themselves as “young men”. Over the last 20 years however, young black men 16-25 are having serious identity crisis. Young black men are no longer as masculine as they were when I was a youth. Boys my age all played sports, or had recreation outdoors. Now, before young black boys reach the age of 15, many of them are video game proned. Many of these kids never play outside with other boys nor are they introduce to interacting with girls in environments condusive to their development. What I am saying is, young black men now are SOFT. We see them every day in the schools, in the malls and on the street being more concerned with fashion and material things more than they are about doing push-ups, or running a few laps or playing sports. Young black women really don’t have much to choose from in terms of finding young masculine and intelligent black men among their inner circle. Older black men usually get angry from not being able to attract young black women because they feel they must compete with the men that young girls prefer…thugs. What older black men have a hard time coming to grips with is that young black girls want thugs and grown black women want MEN. I don’t really hear the young straight and masculine black men complaining about not getting attention from young black girls. I realize the attraction young women have for thugs is an alluring fad or trend so to speak that ages and dies out by the time she is mentally and emotionally mature enough to identify the noncondusive relationship. She will eventually grow and seek a real man who can lead her and demand her respect. However, no young girl respects and old man old enough to be her dad, vying for her attention. Whatsmore, no young girl finds a fashion obsessed boy more attractive than a young man who acts masculine. If there were more young men being raised with values such as, self-respect, work ethic, intelligence, and an apreciation for young black women, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation. YOUNG BLACK MEN AND OLDER BLACK MEN NEED TO STEP UP and walk the walk if they’re gonna’ talk the talk…the women are WATCHING!
@Omegaman,
You went pretty deep with it, bro! I agree with most of what you said. However, there is a part of this dynamic I want to address. When I was in high school in the 90s I was a pretty straight arrow type of guy. I was an introvert who liked reading and conversing about relevant political and social topics. With that said, if a girl was into the bad boys, or thugs, then I was not her type. And there were many sisters who did not give me a second look. However, there were a lot who did.
I got a fair share of attention because even though I wasn’t a Crip (which was the IN thing back then) I was still fairly athletic, slim, approachable (and good looking IMO). But most of all I was not resentful because a certain group of sisters chose to ignore me. I did not get upset. I just accepted that those women were out of my range of possibilities and focused on the ones who were interested.
What irks me about this topic is a lot of men focus more on the women who reject them than the ones who accept them. There are plenty of intelligent and beautiful black women who do NOT want a thug. I have found the only thing worse than a woman who loves a thug is the men who love women who love thugs. Some of those brothers are really bitter. A truly upstanding, decent, hardworking, minimal issues having, black man will have no problem finding a decent woman if he is patient.
I am not giving the thug loving sisters a pass. I believe many women ruin their lives (and their children’s lives) in a silly, albeit intentional, quest for the wrong kind of man. I think is shows a lack of maturity. However, immaturity is not a crime. It can, though, be very costly.
I’m forever and a day late on this post, but here goes…
Black women: if you want a thug, find you a thug; if you don’t want a thug, then wait for the type of man that YOU want. Don’t settle, regardless of how long you’re ‘doomed’ to being single. Lol. [I'm single, and I love it. I'm not having sex, and I'm not even dating, I'm just happy with me, and the people God has placed in my life.]
Black men: if Black women ‘all’ want thugs, and you’re not a thug, then move on. Black women aren’t the only women. I know I’m getting virtually stoned for encouraging interracial dating, but I don’t care. People are people, love is love, and life is life. Live it up!
If most Black women want thugs, so what?! It just makes me feel special to know that I’m rare - a minority within a minority. Haha.
Im a young black man 19 years of age fly as can be but i have had bad experiences with most black girls because im to nice and respectful hell i was raise with manners and i finally understand why i cant attract black females as friends or girl friends is because i dont act like a hood ass nigga thats why i refuse to approach any more black females unless they come talk to me there will be no conversation period.
@Brandon,
That is the wrong approach, bro. My brother is 20. He complains about the same thing. He told me he does not think it pays to be a nice guy with most black girls. He says most do not show him any respect. Whereas women of other ethnicities respond well to his approach. My advice to you is the same I gave him.
1) Don’t change who you are. Don’t start being hard on women because it seems that is all they will understand. Don’t let other people change you.
2) Keep giving the sisters a chance. That is what my stepfather told me. I took his advice and am now married to a wonderful sister.
[...] still get comments on one of our older and more popular posts entitled: (Why) Do (Some) Black Women Love Thugs!?!?. If you haven’t checked it out yet make sure you do. Recently a yound cat came by and [...]
As someone who has lived out this whole experience of actually straight up losing women to “thugs”, I think that I am the most qualified to comment.
What I noticed was that I got older, the women who were giving me a chance (all the way up to the point I was no longer available) had some horrible war stories to tell about ex boyfriends and baby daddies who gave these women hell. Though they wouldn’t admit they they had liked thugs in the past, I had to settle for my perception of the situation. You fell in love with an unsavory character, you had kids, he abused you and made your life a living hell, and now that you are much older, you will finally date little old me. LOL. It was kinda funny. I would ask myself why I spent years in dry spells, and I couldn’t help but think if I met these women then, that they wouldn’t be “feeling” me because they’d think I was soft or corny or something.
Another thing I would like to comment on is what about the dude who reads a magazine like KING in the first place. They, like me, back in the day, like women who are slutty, half naked, or who give it up. There was a point when I turned the whole black women luvs a thug inside out, and I started to pursue skanky, ho-ish type girls.
Though I didnt end up with a slutty girl for a wife or a girl, I think that we shouldn’t just check the sistas without checking ourselves. Look at all these videos on BET or MTV Jams, check your strip spots, check your local club where these girls hang out! For every woman that loves a thug, there is a freaky dude (who might hide his freakiness) who is “in luv with a stripper.” I know, I was one of them
Omegaman/T. Rogers has the mindset of one of those BM who enables The heck out of BW no matter what they do. While men are just supposed to accept. I’ll leave them to deal w/ the trash and ihnore the problem. Marriage/children/sharing of finances/residences is to be avoided w/BW because they refuse to deal with their issues while adding neon to mine. Both of the above would have younger BM (thanks for the piss-poor advvice) ignore the Marriage/Birth rate is crumbling for a reason. Never allow bullying to push yourself into a bad situation w/ a BW. Same goes for BM.
To accuse the effected of being bitter?
Pull your panties out your Arse. BM are ahead of the curve in avoiding BW in general. The onus is no longer in the victim. Enjoy your 38 old piece of trash.
BM going their own way.
hurrup2sghphnkap
As a 26 year old woman that isn’t into thugs, know that we are out there. I think a major reason some black women are attracted to thugs, is becuase some don’t have good father figures to show them the type of man they should be with.
Also, just as I would tell many of my women friends that like to complain that there aren’t any good black men, I would say you have to really look inside to see what you are displaying that attracts those particular types of people.
Ruby128 and A Gangstas Girl: Amen to the both of you breaking it down right! I have dated all type of guys and to be honest the last thing I need in my life is a 24/7 drama guy!
A Gangstas Girl’s:”you can always take the guy outta the hood, but not the hood outta the guy.” True!
E.R. said:
As a 26 year old woman that isn’t into thugs, know that we are out there. I think a major reason some black women are attracted to thugs, is becuase some don’t have good father figures to show them the type of man they should be with.
You’re right on some black women but I grew up with a father around and dated thugs. Now I’m grown up and hope you understand where I’m coming from by reading Gangsta Girl’s comment. Peace.
@Craig,
You are way off the mark, bro. I am not enabling anyone. My point in my second post was many brothers complain about the women who want thugs while IGNORING the righteous sisters right in front of them who don’t want thugs. How is that enabling? Oh, you must want me to get into a bashing session on the women who prefer thugs. Why? What good does it do?
What begins as a session to call out the sisters who like thugs becomes a bashing session on ALL black women. In your own post you lumped all black women in one category. That is ignorant, short sighted, and downright immature.
As a black man, I cannot stand when people lump us all together. I can’t stand when people generalize and refuse to see me and instead, see caricature of me based on a stereotype. I am sure you don’t like it. But that is what you are doing with black women. Generalizing.
If you don’t like black women, hey, that’s your choice. I’m not mad. Just like I am not mad at women who choose thugs. You are the one who has sworn off an entire race of women. That’s an extreme reaction, the reaction of someone who seems bitter.
This whole subject of wanting a thug, isn’t quite meant to be what it’s interpreted as. In my younger days, I was infatuated with the whole aspect of having a thug, and to this day, there’s something about one that still brings forth that hint of attraction. When in my infatuation stage, i loved the fact of having a man with street cred, big money, fighting skills, that aggressive love (no, i’m not talking about beating my azz!) and that thug motivation, but after my boyfriend who was also the love of my life, and future husband was labeled a kingpin and sentenced to 25 years in federal prison, my eyes opened. He never beat me up, or called me anything but beautiful. He was what i refer to as gentleman with a thuggish mentality. So i haven’t been negatively withdrawn from a relationship perspective, just the consequences he had to pay. Now that i’m a bit older, and have expanded my horizons, i see that i’m not fully happy with that lifestyle, but because i didn’t have any negativity within our relationship, i guess that’s why some aspects of a thug still interest me, but not enough to do a major follow-up!
Well for me I was a kid when I met my sons dad we grew up together. I was completely and blindly in love with his a**. Then we had a kid. A little boy no less. My whole state of mind did a 180. I started to cook more, stopped hanging out and drinking with my friends. I was like I have to be an example of the kind of girls he will date, so i felt like i needed to step it up, drastically. It seemed as though my old way of thinking was just wrong, even when it came to my boyfriend. I look at him sagging and no job trying to be a rapper and I’m thinking WTF was i thinking. I can’t have my son thinking this is OK. So I changed myself, but at the same time what am i to do; keep my son away from his father because all of a sudden i can see clearly now. I am still with him today i do care about him and we’ve been through so much. We have our problems like any one else. but i am happy with what he does do for me and his kid. And even though we come from the same place i can’t knock him for being him, who he has always been. We are working on the job thing. We all have our faults and I can’t say that being with some square ivy league dude would be better maybe only financially.
[...] Guest Post: (Why) Do (Some) Black Women Love Thugs!?!? [...]
I did not all the other comments.I hate to say it but I must comment. I grew up with the so called thugs and Bad BOYS. I could not buy a date. I was not a Jock either. I notice reading the other responses; you are not going to get the answer you are looking for. My opinion would be the one that likes the bad boy knows it is wrong and will not answer because of fear of the comebacks. The others might have tried the bad boy route and found out it will not work. TV Music and Movies have glorified the image for years. It is now reaching a high level because of the lack of family values and a whole host of other subjects. One way to stop the process might be to let the ladies see what a real man does. There is no one answer to the problem but core values of the family could help.
I co sign with what Leslie said. I am single in every sense of the word for the past x amt of years (I really need to stop counting) anyway I refuse to settle and have never settled my last male friend was not a thug but he did have swagger. I believe somebody touched on this earlier its not about being a thug so much as having flavor or swagger per say. Derek Luke, Idris Elba, Will smith to name a few none of them are thugs but they all have swagger and arent bad on the eyes either!!
Sidebar women could say all men want an eye candy video model ( I am a size 8 gym rat but im trying to make a point)
I think there’s a function within every woman that desires a man who can protect them and make them feel secure. Where the disconnect occurs is each woman’s standard of what that means to THEM.
If you have a woman who has, albeit unfortunately, chosen BET and the media to define what a “real man” is, then she is going to fall woefully short and settle for a man who can physically protect them, but many times, they will use that ability to beat their woman down either emotionally or physically.
I want a man like Jesus, personally. He wasn’t the gay looking guy that the sistine chapel portrayed, either. He had some swagger, for REAL. He could stand toe to toe with “thugs” like Peter (who cut off another man’s ear for trying to mess with Jesus) and Matthew (who was a loan shark, dangerous type of brother) and cause them to want to follow Him, because His game and His swagger made them want to change.
I want a man like Jesus who could be threatened with being thrown off a cliff, but was so confident in His purpose and ministry that He was able to walk through that angry mob and keep it moving to the next city.
I want a man like Jesus who could be tender enough to save a woman caught in adultery from being stoned, but tough enough to go to a tree, make His own switch, and barrel through the synagogue, evicting anything that wasn’t like His Father up out of there.
My daddy had Jesus’ swagger. On one hand, he would let me wet my eyes on his shirt because my feelings got hurt. On the other hand, he could correct my behavior with a force that made me want to be a better person (and he rarely ever whooped me).
My husband has Jesus’ swagger, too. He can be kind and compassionate, but let someone mess with his wife and children…although violence would be his last resort, he’s not apt to stand by and allow those God has entrusted to his care to be abused by ANYONE.
Jesus is the perfect standard. And He died for the very people who set Him up to be killed. But He did it for a purpose much greater than proving His point or being a thug. Personally, if I had been Jesus, I would have killed er’body who even THOUGHT about saying “crucify Him.” That’s what a THUG would do. That’s what a person with a mindset bent on doing things their own way would do. Yet Jesus showed more strength than a thug could ever muster on that cross.
I know it sounds preachy, but it just is what it is. Jesus wasn’t no punk, nor was my Daddy, nor is my husband. But a thug is just a person walking around with this caffeinated courage that the moment a greater force comes along, instead of taking the time to up the ante in their personality, they would choose to respond with violence and even homicide to ensure that greater force does not remove from them every excuse they have to live their lives with such a woefully impoverished mindset.
Most young african american girls are corrupted from an early age to think that thugs are the way to go. My father use to say “Show me a thug and I will show your a loser”. Unfortunately, young girls do not get the message until they have 3 kids by three different thugs who all say that the child is not theirs.
Generally, black men/boys are to be blamed. They have removed themselves from the leadership and passed it to our women. Women are bearing the burdn of provider and fulfilling the fathership role while the thug finds another host.
Where I grew up, dating thugs and prison bunnies would make you an outcast.
This thing about black men liking thugs is silly. For one if they do it’s there preference, but they are so many other sisters that don’t so go and talk to them! Or women of other races who you have things in common with you can get to know and have a relationship. One thing I notice in the black community, we accentuate the negative. We really do, they are plenty of black families that are doing they’re thing, married with kids and are happy, but we focus on stupid people, making stupid comments. But us talking about what Laura London comments, so something is us is incorrect. Because I know that if she wasn’t thought of as Hollywood fly, we wouldn’t even be talking to this stuff. If Laura was 300 pounds of pure ugliness, we wouldn’t care. The let’s me know that there is something inherently wrong with brothers, it exposes their superficiality. This thing only gets play when it some average brother who wants a drop dead gorgeous sister and she wants the thug. It’s a no sense conversation amongst very bright people. If she wants him, she can have him, you should get your PHD is psychology open up a practice and charge her, because the abuse she’s going to suffer, emotional and physical, you can get 150 per session. In the end it’s about cultivation, amongst other things that will determine what you like and don’t like. If that woman has been cultivated to be attracted to thugs, there nothing you can do, let her go and pray for her. It shows that there’s something wrong with her. If you like her, there’s something wrong with you! There too many good, nice sisters with great characteristics that you can be happy with. Stop focusing on the outer so much and began to explore the women you like hearts and mind, you might find a diamond in the rough. Peace!
The goal of american culture for centuries was to strip black men of their power and authority. And centuries later we are still trying to recover.
Women are attarcted to confidence and power because to us it equals security and stability, what we crave. And the ostentatious thug is more readily achievable/plentiful then the powerful and confident professional BM. For example, I work at a national african american org. and in my divison there are about 20 black men to about 200 black women, only about 10 of the black men have degrees, 140 of the black women do. So many women lower their standards or expectations. Also, many of us BW have been taught to be strong and independant and we want someone who is going to be able to “handle” that strength and few see professional black men as having that ability.
The image of the bad boy is not singular to BW. White women also lust after those with that persona, usually a rocker or some frowning myopic boy in black. Becuase Someone who bucks authority seems to exude confidence.
The delimma for many BW is trying to find a man who can successfully adopt the duel identities. Professional but still down to earth aka has Swagger. So since there are so few who have both, many tend to go for just the swagger without any substance.
Now me, I am married to a strong-willed man of God who knows responsibility and has swagger. A rare combination to find but one for which I am grateful.
Those women who prefer thugs just need to mature. Because believe me, you learn to value a stable job, benefits, and retirement funds the older you get.
Im 18 and im a college student. For me im caught in the middle of being a thug or a nice guy. I used to have to have the perfect view of what a black men should be, that is until i ran into this one chick. it was a lie after another lie. Slowly now i can see the change im making towards being a thug. I dress different, walk different, and even talk different.
I just find it really really hard to get back the views i once had. It’s almost like she just took them from me.
How in the world can i end this bitter trend?
@ Joe,
First and foremost, I give you props for being bold enough to at least ask the question before going down a road that will be difficult to return from. For you to be 18 and asking these questions tells me that you are more of a man than you thought you were…more of a man than the young lady you were dealing with could appreciate.
It’s safe to say that you probably put a lot into your relationship, and after investing so much, you feel like this young lady betrayed your trust. If that’s accurate, by all means, keep reading.
I work on a college campus (an HBCU at that), and I’ve seen this pattern a million times: Boy meets girl, boy falls in love, boy sees a future, girl is just that–a girl, and too young to know a good thing when she has it in front of her–girl takes boy for granted, breaks his heart, boy uses that as an excuse to either A) go the homosexual route or B) go the thug/playa/pimp/misogynist route.
Guess what, Joe? It’s all a part of life and growing up. You have to take the good with the bad, but what makes you a MAN is how you respond to the ugly. Do you allow this situation to totally alienate you from who you know you already are? What happens when a woman who has all the qualities you’ve dreamed of comes along? You won’t be ready for her, and you won’t appreciate her because you have colored the way you look at women through the lens of a young lady that should not have that much power over you.
You know what you can do? Stay focused on those books, find out who YOU are and solidify that person through studying, prayer, declaring your major, getting a personal relationship with the Lord, etc. Then, no matter what skeezer comes along trying to spit game, you’ll be able to see right through it, because you’re solid in who you are as a man.
I know it’s ironic that this is coming from a woman, but I’ve got brothers who have been through it. My husband went through that stage as well, and if he hadn’t taken the time to really get to know himself, he never would have been able to hook a woman like me…a woman who lives to shower love on her main men: Jesus, my husband, my stepson, my son, my brothers.
The ball is in your court, Joe. You got this. You’ve been who you are for 18 years. Why let ONE little girl ruin your life, and possibly cause you to miss out on the woman of your dreams? Why get in all the drawers you can get and possibly cost you your life? Why get in all the drawers you can get and create another life with a woman you really don’t want to be connected to past one night, much less a lifetime of raising a baby?
THINK, Joe. You already know the answer. I know you’ll do the right thing. I’m praying for you.
Thank you so much Harriet for your comment.
To be honest i have compared other girls to the girl i tried to be with. I’ve even been making bitter remarks uncontrollably about women. It’s really hard for me not to generalize women.
Here’s another thing that i can’t get over. I have a niece that is 4 years old, and every time i see her it reminds me of what i wanted out that girl i tried to be with. I just a constant reminder of what could’ve been.
Lately i have had my head the books. I’ve decided to major in english, and plan on transfering after two years of college.
Maybe it’s going to take me a while to get back into dating, even though i would love to have a girl-friend.
Anyways thank you so much for the advice.
Joe, you’ve got this, man. Life can be hard on a brother, but you seem like you’ve got your head on straight.
One more thing to think about: let’s put the intelligent Joe (Joe #1)vs. the Joe that dogs women out (Joe #2).
Fifteen to 20 years from now, let’s say your 4 year old niece (now 19-24 years old) starts dating, and she truly values your opinion about who she should be with. The brothers she has to choose from are either Joe #1 or Joe #2. From what you’ve said, it seems like you have a lot of love for your niece. Out of love and protection of your niece, which Joe would you rather her choose?
Just some food for thought. Work at becoming someone you would like your niece and future daughter to date later. Then pattern that behavior so they’ll know what’s healthy and what’s not.
[...] got this in over the holidays in response to an older post: (Why) Do (Some) Black Women Love Thugs!?!?. There were a few follow up comments that I’ll move into this [...]
yeah whats good , please define thug 4 me: because one thing is for sure: Im far from soft, but at the same time im not IGNORANT, I dont go around selling drugs or shootin up niggaz, Im not a gang banger, and to me that whole thing is stupid, and it holds us back more than the white man does… but it seems like the SISTAZ love a man whos a GANGSTA, THUG, beats the hell out them, and treats them like @#$%.
meanwhile a DECENT, INTELLIGENT, young black man like myself whos GRADUATING COLLEGE, has GOALS, will get walked over by yall, once again im from the HOOD, born and raised in south bronx new york, Im far from a punk, and i put dudes in check each time they try to violate my girl at the time…so….no i dont walk around with my pants off my behind, i dont sell crack, i dont walk around with a gun,
I got in trouble with the law when i was 16, im 28 now.
im good with CALCULUS, PHYSICS, and alot of the other sciences.
so i geuss im a NERD, rite? so when i mess with white women or latin or asian womem, am I wrong.
seems like the sistas want a Black man whos IGNORANT not INTELLIGENT.
Like barak obama.
yall black women are GONE.
Black Intelligent men( the type CLASSY black women want) vs Black Igonarant men ( the type STUPID black women want.)
First let me start out by saying the so called GANGSTA image is fake.
black people trying to IMITATE what the ITALINS started …GANGSTER.
What ever happend to us just having STYLE,SOUL, and FLAVA, why do we have to be IGNORANT to be cool. The Black man is NATURALLY strong, and NATURALLY bold, why should we have to be THUGS or GANGSTAS or STUPID, to be somebody…. and most of the black women who support this are CHICKEN heads, their not CLASSY women , their weave wearing,
wead smoking (some of them) ghetto azz, mcdonalds eating, kfc eating,
gut hanging out, contact wearing, tounge ring wearing / whore non queen
looking chin ring wearing, …TRASH. Their not acting like QUEENS .
with DECENCY, CLASS and RESPECT, GANGSTA…….WHITE ITALINs started that, black people are STUPID for imitating it. were KINGS, QUEENS, PRINCE, and PRINCES, but as soon as she discovers this GANGSTA/THUG,
will bring her down, while a INTELLIGENT, CLASSY, black man will bring her up, her dumb azz finds out that its to late, wow…how did we go from being the kings and queens of civilization, owning over 18 dyanasties in ancient egypt….being the IMAGE of GOD…TO BEING IGNORANT and STUPID.
WE natuarally have SOUL, STYLE, and SWAGGER, WERE BLACK!
give me a REAL Black woman with class.
and tell the chicken heads to shut up.
HELLO PEOPLE,
Stop all this bickering(Its not funny)and trying to take the worldly stress out on each other(black racism). I, as a black man find it very hurtfull sometimes when I look at a black female to speak, and she either turns her head or roll her eyes at me. On the other hand, I
encounter caucasian females and they will speak,nod or even complement me on my appearance etc.. I am thankful for the complement, but on the other hand, it hurts me because it is so simple to acknowdlege each other without thinking someone want to get in bed with each other. No, I am not happy or feel better because she is caucasion, but blacks need to treat each other with the same respect as they do other light skinned races. Sometimes, I stop and observe the same black woman who ignored me will grin like a chestcat and speak to other races. Oh yeah, I hear all the time that ladies want to have kids by the light skinned guy or another race so their baby can have the light skin or good hair. Come on. I have had instances where I would go in to put in my resume and the sisters would try to get me out the door as soon as possible. One
occassion, the caucasion was looking at the sister like why was the sister handling me like that. As the sister was rude, I had to ask the sister was it O.K. for me to leave me resume. Maybe some of our people have not experienced racism or are from another planet. I LOVE all people and would mainly love for the interracial hate to cease. It is up to us to teach our kids to respect BLACK as well as we do other races. LOOK AT HOW BLACKS ARE PORTRAYED ON THE NEWS. But some of us dont look at the news !!!. MEN and WOMEN, CHILDREN, we must treat each other in a respectful and SPIRITUAL manner!!!. I am a hard working black man who keeps his head up!!!. Oh, I forgot it not about good men, its about thug glorification. I want to THANK all the men and women who work hard to respect all genders and races. PRAY
Like many of the other females that have commented, I think that females liking thugs is a maturity issue. When I was younger (I’m only 23, but I feel alot older), all that I would talk to was thugs. The type of guys that had been in jail, warrants out for their arrest, stuff like that. One of the guys I talked to always reminded me that if we got pulled over I had to switch seats with him because his license was suspended. And then he couldn’t come visit me when I moved back home because he had warrants in a couple of states along the way. My husband is from Baltimore (we live in Houston) but lived in Houston for almost 3 years before our paths crossed. He always jokes that we met at the right time in my life because had we met earlier I wouldn’t have talked to him since he’s not hood. But so the guys that I talked to before him all smoked weed, roamed the streets all day and all night, stayed getting in a fight with somebody, had kids, all that stuff. And I loved it, well not the kids part. I definitely could have dealt without the baby mama drama. But I loved the cruising the city, hanging out, smoking. All of that. The sight or even the thought of them getting in a fight was sexy. But it’s like I just woke up one day and realized that I was worth more than what these guys were willing to give me. It was definitely freeing because I was so DUMB!!! One guy had this friend that I hated. We’ll call him Jace. But so Jace talked to this girl named “Sheri”. Jace treated Sheri like ****. At one point I asked the guy I was talking to why Jace treated Sheri like that and he said, “I don’t know. Why do I treat you like ****?” And even though his question angered me I couldn’t be mad at him because he was treating me how I let him treat me, which was horrible.
But so once I had my awakening moment I decided to abstain from a relationship until I figured out what exactly I needed and wanted from a man. And after this period I met my husband and the rest is history.
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