Forgive, Forget or Fall Apart?

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by Lamar Tyler | on July 23rd, 2008 | 11 comments

Dear BMWK,

As I was listening to the radio this morning, I heard the radio personal urging a woman who was hurting to forgive. At first I was all in agreement with the idea. Then I had to be honest with myself. Do I really forgive, forget or fall apart when someone has crossed me? My initial feeling is to fall apart. I then get extremely angry and think of ways to get back at the person. However, reality sets in as I think of the repercussions of my actions. I then search myself to see if the situation is forgivable. But once my anger has ran its course I realize I will not forget! Which leads me to it’s not worth harboring or thinking of jail time to do what they have done to me. So I just move forward and learn from the harsh lesson!

I’m curious, what do you do?

BMWK, please provide your two cents. Me and TheMom will chime in, within the comments section. Don’t forget if you have a Dear BMWK question email it to info@blackandmarriedwithkids.com.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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hotmomma

Where did the term forgive and forget even come from? The bible states in Matthew 18:21-22 as follows:21 “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
In order to know how many times you forgave someone, you have to remember the previous offenses! I practice (because I am not perfect) forgiving people, but I cannot forget.

You learn from these situations, so why would you want to forget how you got into them in the first place and more importantly, how you got out!

Instead of forgetting, I concentrate on not being bitter or holding grudges and moving own. When I person shows you who they are by there actions, forgive them, don’t forget and run!!!
Nicole

I wrestle with this everyday. Me and my husbands family do not get along at all. They acted a fool at our wedding and I haven’t spoken to them since (over 2 years). A part of me wants to forgive, but I think that if I do they’ll continue to be rude and disrespectful towards me. Therefore, I think it’s best to have nothing to do with them. My husband talks to his family, but rarely visits them due to me refusing to deal with them.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

I think at some point you need to forgive, that doesn’t mean get taken advantage of by that person, it just means no longer harboring ill will in your heart and I’m with hotmomma that you don’t necesarrily have to forget. It should have been a learning experience and something you can hopefully learn and grow from.

As far as getting even, I’m one who believes success is the best revenge anyway.
Anonymous

Dad you can say what you want about haboring feelings and letting go. Where does those feelings go to that you are harboring to the next situation or next relationship. The way i handle is just not to allow that person into my space until until i feel the need because it is hard to let go and forgive. There are some feelings i am not dealing with, i did not create and it is going to be hell to pay if anyone push feelings on me. What is worst, saying i am a christian and i forgive and lie, say i forgot all about it and lie or keep seeking God about it. I will take my chances with God and if i don’t react to the situation like you think i should you are judging me, but right here and right now i am mad and upset and God is still working with me.
Misbeehavin

I’ve heard a long time ago if we want God to forgive us for the things we do, we have to forgive others for the things they do to us. I’m a forgiving person, but I don’t ever forget. I think it’s impossible for people to forget
King James

Forgiving is the way to go!

We just have to realize that the ‘time’ needed for this to happen will be different for each of us…

So while it may ‘seem’ that some of us aren’t forgiving, it sometimes just hasn’t happened yet. Sometimes..

Anyone out there ever have to REALLY forgive? It’s life altering.. sometimes just as much so as the ‘event’ that occurred.
http://keepittrill.blogspot.com Kit (Keep It Trill)

It took me a 30 years to understand what I later titled an article on my blog – trust others to be only who they are. Not who you want them to be or think they could or should be, but only who they are. It really does take time to get to know someone well and it can’t be rushed. Lovers, friends, co-workers, it’s all the same.

We may have a pretty good idea of how someone is, but we really don’t know until certain incidents come up. It’s natural to get angry or even feel betrayed when they’ve disappointed us and let us time.

As they say, time heals all wounds. This isn’t true either because some wounds are deep and cripple us permanently, but most of the time we get past our anger and move on.
Leslie

Forgive. If you don’t want to, don’t. Don’t forgive people. Hate people.

Hate who they are and the things that they do. Hate what they did to you twenty years ago, and never forgive them. Hate who you’ve become because of the hate that has corroded the quality of person that you used to be.

Hate. Hate and see how it affects your health, and your normal relationships.

Martin Luther King, Jr said “Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man’s sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true.” Just think about it…..

-This is much longer than I anticipated it to be, so that’s all.
key-2-life

It is very hard to forgive when you feel defeated in the end. Especially when you see someone succeeding at your expense it goes deeper then “…oh I need to forgive you so I can move on!” Please!!!! Yes you have to move forward or you will fall behind. That does not mean you have to hate. Or better yet think of something cruddy to do to them! But I do believe you don’t have to forgive them nor forget what they’ve done…
Anonymous

Dear Folks,

To forgive and forget is a personal choice that each of us must make. And while forgiveness is the ideal, the reality is that nobody has the right to demand that we forgive and simply move on.

There are those hurts that are small and petty. We should let these go right away because they are standing in the way of more important things.

Then, there are those hurts that are deeper and more serious. Hopefully, with time…we may get over them and let go.

Of course, there are those hurts that are so serious, that we may carry them around for months or even years. We may never get over them. These hurts cripple even the most mature and/or spiritual of us. And again, nobody has the right to command us to just “forget” about it.

However, make no mistake. The most important lesson that I have ever learned is that there is a powerful and even deadly force in the universe called “karma”.

We all have grown up hearing that “you reap what you sow”. And don’t laugh. Every culture and nearly every religion recognizes that what you do comes back to you.

While suffring horrible hurts in my own personal life, I have witnessed first hand “karma” visiting the door steps of people in my past.

I have either seen or been told of past girlfriends who betrayed me, bossses who fired me for no reason, etc. go through horrible changes. And I knew that the extent of their suffering was no coincidence.

So please, let’s focus on the big picture. Few of us, if any, get away with hurting others. So make the most of your life and do not be surprised when you witness others answering for their wrongs.

Forgive, Forget or Fall Apart?

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