Celebrity Guest Post: Judge Lynn Toler - Divorce Court
(Photo Courtesy of Twentieth Television)
Today we have a very special celebrity guest post by the host of television’s Divorce Court, Judge Lynn Toler. Like many of our readers Judge Toler is a working mother and wife. Today she tells BMWK how she juggles and balances the demands of work and home life. Please show her how much we appreciate her by leaving a comment below the post and be sure to check your local listings for Divorce Court.
You know, everyone always asks me how I balance my work life with being a mother and a wife and my initial response is always the same. I get a little angry. Why doesn’t anyone ever ask men how they juggle being a working father and husband? The answer is, of course, very simple. Despite the fact that women now work outside the home our work inside the home has not decreased significantly.
My life is no different. My husband and I still have issues about it. I went through the martyr thing for a long time. I did it all; worked till I was exhausted and never complained. Then one day we both found out the hard way that I was a whole lot angrier than either one of us knew. He said something about the lawn and I tore the roof off the sucker. We have since made some adjustments or, shall I say, I have.
Since there is not, at least to my knowledge, a conversation or revelation we can have to fix this, I have decided to work the edges. I am now in the process of taking back chunks of my time and have vowed (and this was the hard part) that I was neither going to feel guilty about nor apologize for it. When I am at work I am at work. When I am doing the mom and wife thing that’s what that is. In an effort to put this in practice I now give voice to this idea whenever I am asked for more and it is not on the program for that day. I’ve watched my husband. He does as much as he can. I used to do whatever was necessary. There is a difference. I had no line I made others respect. Now I do. Or, at least, I’m working on it.
Truth be told, it is the home thing that really gets my goat. They are the ones most likely to expect more and more and not even acknowledge how much I am doing. At work I get applause and a paycheck. People ask me to do things and say thank you. At home I get complaints critiques and more requests. So in an effort to chip away at this big rock of resentment I’ve adopted two new favorite phrases: “mommy is off the clock.” And “pretend that I’m not here.” My kids are old enough that I can get away with that now. But it’s a mind set. You have to train people. You have to wean them off the ‘24/7 mommy will do it’ thing.
I have yet to conquer this problem, though. I still do too much too often and feel a bit annoyed. If some of you women have solved this problem I sure would like to know what you’ve done. The problem is I think that housework is not just a matter of time or need. I think, deep down my husband is a bit insulted by being asked to handle dishes and a mop. He says he isn’t but I don’t believe him. I think it’s a male ego thing. Fellas, look deep in your heart, am I right or is it just him?
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Congrats to BMWK for having Judge Toler on your blog and to Judge Toler…Thanks for taking the time to blog on such a positive blog site. Stereo types will follow us to our death bed…boys are raised to think that as a Man of the house only the outside of the house belongs to them and the inside belongs to the Wife/Mommy. It did work when Wives and Mommies where not allowed to work outside the home but today we should be teaching our youg men to help inside the house and both can work on the yard together. Life is all about balance and with balance comes peace of mind and happiness. So brothers…give it up and help a sister out with the housework and…with a smile….you will rewarded :):):)
I like Judge Toler and nice to ya here. Your quote, “Mommy is off the clock” and “pretend I’m not here” made me chuckle.
My mother took it a step further when she was really worn out we wanted too much. She’d say “Pretend I’m dead.”
Kit (Keep It Trill)s last blog post..Hard Rocks Love - Lesson 2: No One Can Possibly Meet All Your Needs
@ Judge Toler and Michael- Thanks again for the guest post and for supporting the site. You have no idea how much we appreciate this.
I do think sometimes our ego gets in the way and sometimes I think the Mars/Venus thing kicks in also. Sometimes me and my wife don’t necessarily think things need to be cleaned up at the same time or in the same time table :-). But I do know how she thinks on this one so I try to be a team player.
@ Smooth- Thanks for the congrats and I think you’re right. Women’s roles have change a lot over the years but I think the way that men think has not kept up at the same pace. We do need to step it up.
@KIT - Man, your momma kept it trill too… LOL that is a classic! You had me rolling with that one.
It is so wonderful to have Judge Toler speak on a topic today! I love her show and think she is truly fair when it comes to her ruling. Can I tell you how on point she is about everything! Though recently married at times I feel I’m going to have a nervous breakdown!!! Between work, children and marriage, I have no time to myself anymore. And when I finally do, I just want to sleep! Then just that quick, I feel bad if I’m not doing the “motherly duties” and “wifely duties” because of exhaustion from work. It’s an ongoing cycle that seems like it will never end. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is supportive in all the ways he knows how to be. And at times I’m sorry I can’t be the “sexy woman” he is use too. But by the end of the day, I only can do what I can do…
What a treat to have Judge Toler on the blog today!!!! With the realness she shows on her show I didn’t expect anything less by her post. Truelove…my girl…oh how my sentiments are exact! For a moment there I thought I was crazy because people make it look so good. But when I think back as a little girl, I remember seeing my mom taking a moment for her self every now and again. She would then remind me that “…everyday ain’t so favorable!” At the time I didn’t think anything of it. However, now, I know exactly why she did what she did. Now having a family of my own, I hope I can find the strength everyday to be as strong…
Thank-you Judge Toler for providing this guest post.. we really appreciate it!! This topic is definitely one TheDad and I struggled with when we first got married. I tried to do too much, I then got angry because I was not getting the help that I felt I needed, this led to arguments…etc. One thing I learned is that I can’t just assume that TheDad would automatically know what do around the house. So I had to accept this and I had to learn to communicate with him better. Basically, I had to ask for what I wanted ( as opposed to going around the house cleaning and getting frustrated.) Just by communicating more with the TheDad, we have made a lot of improvements in this area.
I guess this is one of my major fears if i do get married. Juggling the role of wife, mother and most importantly WOMAN. I need me time and I fear that will get lost in “doing what is expected of a woman”. I’m hoping that the man I marry will understand that my individuality is important to me - and will need to be maintained aside from family responsiblities. I don’t know if that sounds selfish, but that’s how I feel.
Judge Toler, that must be a hard job. I have never been married. Great to see you here!!!
Kemi in Torontos last blog post..THE GAME PAYS MACABRE TRIBUTE TO DEAD RAP ICONS.
Thanks Judge Toler it is a blessing to have such a postive person support what you are doing, so BMWK you are doing something right. Yes this mind set does go back to the way things used to be and believe it or not you still have those mothers that will challenge their daughter-in law to step up and do more in the relationship. I say that was a dumb statement. A very old person told me in the relationship if you bring your spouse roses, know their faviorite color, buy them gifts and tell them you love them over and over again i declare you will not want for anything. I believe that is true because with this kind of relationship you will have a hard time sitting on your butt while the one you love is working like a slave in the house or yard. Brothers and sisters keep it real, marriage is a partnership. Have respect for each other, my children are adults now and they grew up in a home where their father worked outside of the home sometimes having two jobs but when he was home he still helped out so when my daughters got married they could not understand the lazy man thing. I guess we were blessed.Thanks Judge Toler and thank you BMWK for all of your info.
As always BMWK, another great post, and a good viewpoint from Judge Toler!
I don’t even have a reply to the question, I’m just starstruck that Judge Toler is in the e-vicinity.
Congrats to BMWK for this major coup. Is this going to be a regular feature?!?
BMWK you rock. Thank you Judge Toler for your input. BMWK is a great resouce on what is happening now. If you have a son began now, make sure he respects women, look at the man in your life if he is not what you want your son to be lose him. That male ego thing is on the same page as the short man ego thing a cop out. Ladies keep it real if he will not help out hire a maid, when you have something to do and he is too busy to watch the kids hire a babysitter, order meals for take out.If he is too busy to mow the lawn hire someone. Do not stress over the small stuff after all the reason you are out helping him is so you can have the finer things in life.His ego is his problem.
First let me say congratulations BMWK. I absolutely love Judge Toler.
When I read this post, I was just nodding my head. I declared years ago that I am not superwoman. I tell “everyone” in my house, if you live here, you are part of the team. Everyone has to make a contribution. I believe that you should make children do whatever they are able to do. Whatever I needed done that I couldn’t get too, I learned to delegate and appreciate the effort instead of perfection.
I learned early to ask for what I wanted instead of sulking being bitter and resentful. When we got married, my husband was a naval officer. On board the ship, the officers were served and cleaned after. When he brought that expectation home, I told him that God put me in his life to bring him back to reality. (lol) My position was if I cooked the food, you could at least wash the dishes. That rule still remains today, whoever cooked for the family does not have to wash the dishes.
My mother and father worked outside the home and my father still cooked, cleaned and did the yard work. He taught us how to be a team by example. Now my son who is seventeen has learned to cook, clean, and iron his own clothes. I never want him waiting around for a woman to serve him unless she wanted too not because it is expected of her.
My phrase for my household is, “I am not the maid, do it for yourself.” We sometimes joke when we hear men say that they want to go back to the old days, okay, then let’s go all the way back when wives had handmaidens to whom they delegate duties. Until then, we need to work it out as a team. (Smiling)
Brilliant! What a brilliant guest writer and post! I have been going through what she has. Trying to be all things to all people and wondering why the hell I have to ‘do it all’. The boyf actually does stuff but the thing is that he thinks I have the capacity to do lots because I work from home. He claims if he worked from home, he’d do the housework. Naturally I tore some chunks out of him (verbally) but I see this all over the place and I realise that I have neither the energy or the inclination to argue about the house all the time so instead, I just don’t do as much and I’m going to get a cleaner. I also ask for more and although it annoys the crap out of me that so many men think that we should ‘just ask’ - I mean seriously, can’t you just see that something needs doing and just do it? You live there too! - I ask and I don’t feel guilty or apologise for it.
Women are over-givers and we believe in reciprocation but we actually get taken advantage of and misunderstood because the world doesn’t operate on reciprocal behaviour.
Someone above me wrote that “the male ego is a cop out” –as a man, I beg to differ.
There are just some inherent things a man needs to do in order to feel like a man, the SAME way there are some things a woman needs to do in order to feel like a woman.
That being said, I’m unconventional enough as it is because I really have no problem doing housework, doesn’t mean I like it, but when I was in college, I was BY FAR the one that did the most of the cleaning of the apartment, the dishes, the vacuuming, I regularly cleaned my bathroom–my roomates’ bathroom was a MESS!!
However, given my career path, if I want to have a family outside of my wife, she stands a VERY good chance of being at home and taking a very domestic standpoint. Well, that might not work for some women, or even some men, but I say to each her or his own.
What I learned in Psychology 101 is that most people enter a marriage under the assumption that is SHOULD be a 50-50 relationship, and my class taught me that that can somewhat set a marriage up for failure. In honesty, many marriages are 60-40 or even 70-30; the way those marriages, or relationships work is that the partner giving the 70 percent is OKAY with the other partner giving 30 and that partner is OKAY with giving 30 and the other giving 70. The problem arises when the resentment creeps in, such as Judge Toler said and then you go off about the lawn, lol.
But, as a man, I will say this, let me be a man, whatever that is defined by me (in the context of a marriage) and I’ll be more than happy to let my wife be a woman.
the uppity negros last blog post..I Have No Words…Girl with Tourettes Syndrome Displays Blatant Prejudice
Hello there!
@ Uppity Negro
My father has told my brother, “don’t get married if you can’t afford a wife” and my father did not believe that a man should expect his wife to do domestic duties because he felt a REAL MAN would be able to afford to hire someone to do those things UNLESS the wife wanted to do them.
I grew up seeing a full-time domestic help handling the cooking, cleaning and lawn care. That is NOT a wife’s role…that’s for the maid and the house steward.
Yes….uppity negroes need to do our part to bolster the economy by providing employment opportunities for others! (smiles)
So ladies….but down the dishes… the mop, the dust rag….and keep it uppity!
Lisa
BlackWomenBlowTheTrumpet.blogspot.coms last blog post..OVERSIGHT HEARING ON SEXUAL ASSAULT IN THE MILITARY
….and everyone, please forgive my atrocious typing skills please!!
….I can’t hire someone to type comments for me, can I? *LOL*
Amen to the domestic help. That would eliminate a lot of resentment of the woman. But, it can only work if your husband doesn’t become rsentful thqt he’s paying for or contributing to something he thinks is “his wife’s duties.”
As a former stay at home wife who despises domestic duties, I promised myself that one of the things I vow to commit to the family budget is a cleaning service. I am still working toward that goal after being back in theworkforce for a year, after being home for more than 7 and a 1/2 years. But, I know that when I get it in our lives, it will change my life!
@BWBTT
Um…I didn’t grow up with domestic help. Far from it in fact. I think it should be up to the woman to determine her wifely roles–for some women that IS there role and far be it for other women to tell them that “this is not a woman’s role.”
There’s a difference between “uppity” and “elitist” for me and I think it errs on the side of elitist by saying that we “need to do our part to bolster the economy by providing employment opportunities for others!”
Now yes, I know that was a tongue-in-cheek, but still, I strongly disagree with your father’s perspective that defines what a REAL MAN is. I think we should all be open to that “real man” definition and realise that that definition is almost solely based on the men in our lives.
the uppity negros last blog post..An Uppity Negro Award
The ego is a cop out, another way of actiing a fool. I look at Judge Toler just about everyday and she will say Mr. whoever just calm down, you just don’t act that way, what you are going to do is have your son at eighteen running around sounding off at every little thing making no sense and all you have to do is look in the mirror and you know where it is coming from. Teach your kid to have a big ego and see how far he will go in this world. We should not only be huumble in church but in all things. No one is listening to your big ego. I was always taught to listen to what people had to say ,take it all in and release what you cannot use so if a person has atrocious typing skills it is ok . Maybe typing is not their thing but they still may have something for you. So pray for that person that can’t speak like you or type like you, wisdom comes from experiene.
You had me there for a moment thinking you grew up with domestic help but as soon as you wrote dust rag i knew you were the one dusting with a dust (rag).
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The home situation will take a bit of doing, the change will come when women break out of the head set that she is the one who has to do and hold everything tohether. It might be to the working woman/judge’s health and happiness to hire a cleaning woman 2 a week. I know you might be having a hard time with this, but it sure will ease your burden if the family can’t find a way to do their share. A house meeting may help to put all family members on notice that all the living is too much for a woman alone, because you aren’t really Super/Wonder/Iron woman. Don’t hold it back communication is what your family needs. Somebody might get mad, but they sure get glad quick when you shut down the goodtime party. To woman everywhere, take care of yourself and love your family, but life is meant to be enjoyed.
Hi Judge Toler, I’m a big fan of yours and respect most of your opinions.I am a happily married black man who doesn’t mind cooking cleaning ,@ doing the dishes.I normally do the cooking on weekdays because im usually home first. So occasionally I do laundry and other inside chores, while still handling all of yardwork and pool cleanings.It might be that your husband is a little offended with some of the household chores, but is coming to terms with the fact that both of you is bringing home the bacon and he needs to step up on some of the household chores. If he is not complaining and insisting that it doesnt bother him to wash dishes/mop ,etc. then let it go, he’s trying make the adjustment.
Greetings All,
I enjoyed reading the posting Judge Lynn Toler submitted. Balance is ‘CRUCIAL’ to married couples with or without children (but definitely with children).
As a mother of two boys, I have always believed that ages 6-10 were ideal for me as a mom. Like Judge Toler, I advise my children (and sometimes my husband) that I am not here - I will either leave the room or just tune them out for at least an hour. For me, this time helps me focus on what I need to do next to keep my family moving in a healthy and positive direction.
Usually, during that time, I either study my Bible or watch some romantic & humorous sitcom or movie. Of course, there are those times when I have the time to do neither. That’s when I forget about self, and just keep moving until it’s time for bed.
Men, divorce should be considered as a last resort to fix a relationship problem. This type of procedure is very serious and it has to be a decision that is well thought out before attempting to start the process. When you are filing for divorce, you will want to notify the court that you are going to proceed with the dissolution of your marriage. You will file a summons and petition the court in your county. Before you decide to file for divorce, you will want to choose the proper state and county to file your papers. You must make sure that you are ready for the long haul in a divorce. There are going to be many different alternatives in a divorce proceeding. You will probably find it to be necessary to hire and attorney to take care of the proceedings in your divorce.
Dear Judge….I saw your show today and it was very emotional. It was the case of a Mrs. Brown and her husband. Once you responded, by his insensitive comment about “women,” it really made me upset with him!! But you told him just what, “most” women with “self esteem” and a lot of other things, he needed to hear!!! Thank you!!!! He showed his ignorance and he thought he was so cool and had his chest stuck out like he was “the man.” Well he wasn’t!!! He was actually a low life and he really need some mentoring in “manhood.” Thank you for saying the things that you said to him today and I know it touched you. You are such a great woman and I truly admire you.
Janice M. Proctor
JUDGE LYNN, I HAVE THE GREATEST RESPECT FOR YOUR KNOWLEDGE AND WISDOM REGARDING DECENT HUMAN BEHAVIOR. I HAVE READ MY MOTHER’S RULES AND IT HAS HELPED ME GAIN TREMENDOUS INSIGHT INTO MY OWN ATTITUDE AND BEHAVIOR. KUDOS TO BEING THE NEW DIVORCE COURT JUDGE. YOU ARE DOING A
GREAT JOB. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND BEST WISHES FOR MANY MORE.
I always make it a RULE to watch the two half hour programs of Divorce Court starring The Honorable Lynn Toler. I enjoy her wisdom very much and must admit I was a martyr like her I did E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G except cut the grass. My sorry drunk of an excuse husband wouldn’t even take the garbage out or set it out on the curb. Every now and then he’d take his lazy fingers, lift up a pan or pot and cook a dinner. Now I wondering why he even bothered except he figured he would ‘get some’ that night.
When I left him I didn’t miss him. I did the things I always did and my kids expected things too. My ruoe was get it done or let me know before I come home, cause once I park the car in the garage I’m HOME all night. Worked some days and some days not. My then 10 yr old son could clean better than me and many times coming home from work while his sister was in college the house would be spic and span.
Now it’s just me and I find time to polish my nails, get my hair done, go to the show (by myself) and out to dinner too. I buy my own roses get my dvd’s and enjoy my evenings. My daughter is married and I told her make sure she doesn’t be a superwoman like her mom. However, sometimes when someone helps out they just might do a half job and that’s not too my liking either. It’s just better when I do it myself.
Recently I broke my ankle and my daughter came to help me out.I’m laughing now at what she did…She REARRANGED E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G in my kitchen and pantry. What she didn’t like she ‘hid’ or threw out. JMy son became a slob for the time being in his apartment, but he has to live with it.I guess the rule of thumb for me is TAKE YOUR TIME…. doesn’t have to be ALL done in ONE day, and get some ‘ME TIME’.
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