Dear BMWK… How To Console A Spouse

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on July 8th, 2008 | 4 comments

Dear BMWK,

How do you console a spouse who knows that his grandmother is terminal with 1 to 6 months to live. He is very close to his grandmother who’s like a mother to him. He knows the news, yet, is showing no emotions. Just being extremely quiet and standoffish. I am giving him his space, however, I have asked if he was okay; and the answer, I’m sure you’re aware was just simply “yes”. How should I handle this situation? I know when my grandmother, whom I was close to died, I was a balling wreck! But, that’s how I handle things… I cry.

HER VEW:

You may want to reach out to a grief counselor from a local organization or church for advice on what you can do. I think what is most important is that when he’s ready that you are there for him to support him. Just make sure you give him his time and don’t press the issue.

HIS VIEW:

I think you have to realize the difference here between men and women. We handle things completely different than women in general. We often don’t show our feelings on our sleeve and take the position that we have to keep it together. This may not always be good or the right thing to do but it happens a lot even in our relationship (me and TheMom). I suck it up and think to myself that I’m the dad literally so if I don’t hold it down who will. Like I said I know this isn’t necessarily how it should be but hey… it is what it is. I think you have to let him know you are there to support him and love him up but, let him open up when he’s ready and in his own way. You can’t expect him to grieve like you grieve.

BMWK what advice do you have for this reader? Come on and help her our, we’re all family.

FYI… two more posts coming up today so be sure to check back and another Dear BMWK dealing with child support will be on the blog tomorrow, you don’t want to miss it!

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Add a comment

Comments (4)

Ms. HM (fa.k.a. Mom of 3) Tuesday - 08 / 07 / 2008 Reply

My husband lost his grandmother in 2005 when we were engaged. She was terminally ill for several months before she passed. I never saw my husband cry or grieve in any way other than to be silent. When I asked him why he had no reaction, he told me that he had come to terms with his grandmother being gone long before she ever physically died. He said that his grandmother being confined to a hospital bed for months with tubes everywhere and not being able to communicate was not the grandmother he wanted to remember and that he had accepted that she was spiritually and mentally gone long before she physically died. Ms. HM (fa.k.a. Mom of 3)s last blog post..Cost of Gas Goes Up......Mileage Rate Goes Up
kim h20s Tuesday - 08 / 07 / 2008 Reply

My man's mother is ill with Alzheimers in a nursing home several hours away. when we go visit she doesn't recognize him nor can she talk or move. i know it's hard on him and visiting her tears him up emotionally. i've found that the best support i can give is just to be there. i know that the visits can make him tense and upset so i let things slide a bit more when it's time to make our visits. but mostly i just keep him in prayer.
Anna Tuesday - 08 / 07 / 2008 Reply

The majorty of kids are more close to their grandparents than their parents. Grandparents spoil, love and understand a child while the parents have to disapline and be the bad guy most of the time. What child has not ran away from home and the place to run to is your grandmothers? My husbands materinal granny passed away a few years ago. She was moved from his parents home (who had been taking care of her for 6+ yrs) to a nursing home. It does take its toll on anyone. Needless to say, her body shut down and she passed away. Being we did share her being sick together not just us but the whole family. We were able to cry together. In typing all this I realized how blessed I am, and realized once again I did not answer the question but got to share some of my life with the room.
Raven Monday - 18 / 05 / 2009 Reply

When anyone dies, most of the time it is just proper to not say anything. Most people who are suffering in that way would want the loved one to just sit with them and shut up. Often times, when we make a statement it is usually the wrong darn thing...so just don't say anything. Hug.Lavish w/ Love.Be quiet.