In Response To: Can a Woman Raise a Son to be a Man?

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by Lamar Tyler | on August 14th, 2008 | 5 comments

We just got this comment on one of our older but most popular posts. If you never checked out the original you can do so here. Read comment below…

Heather in Ohio Says:

August 13th, 2008 at 8:53 pm e

I am so torn on this subject! I have 2 young boys 2 and 6 and I feel like I won’t be able to teach them. I don’t like to be negative but I really struggle with trying to figure out how I can possibly teach them to be men. Do I even know MYSELF what that means? If I did would have really made the same choices in men that resulted in their being? Who should I look to? My own father, who although he was present in my household growing up was never really a part of my life? My brother who is too busy with his own life to help in mine? My aging uncle? How do I find positive role models in the community?

BMWK what do you think? Let Heather in Ohio know what you would do in this situation. We are family up in here!

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

ruby128

Heather I feel for you and have had the same question.…I have a 16 yr old son, my ex-husband has not been apart of his life since he was much younger so its always been just me and my son so I can also relate to the male family member situation as well. While I do agree that it is harder for a woman to raise a son to be a man (and vice versa), the overall goal to keep in mind is to raise a positive, healthy, happy child. I would suggest (if you haven’t already) start by keeping your sons involved in school activities, sports, music, and please find a good church home; most churches offer seminars, trips, and specific topics for each age group. I would also try to find a good mentor program; the church might be able to help with that as well. If you have access to the internet you can do an online search and then go check them out for yourself, again you want them to be around positive, trustworthy people – the environment you keep them in is very important.

Now having said that, there are going to be things that you just are NOT going to know – and there will be situations that you will not be able to control, especially as they age so do your best to keep communication open with your sons –if you don’t know the answer, do your best to find it – times have changed, there are many more resources out there that can help to educate them to minimize getting any wrong information from the wrong individuals. Raising children as a single parent, let alone boys is a challenge, but even children with two-parent homes have issues – its harder but not impossible; look at Barack Obama ?

Stay strong but also let your sons see the feminine side of you and how you want to be treated as a woman by men (and people) in general, personally and professionally. You are their role model – children imitate what they see. Also, do something for yourself as well so that you can become more in tune with who you are – i.e., take a walk, keep a journal.

Keep God first – because there will be storms, but in the end God will guide you and your boys thru it!.

Hang in there and don’t give up! Good luck and all the best.
T. Rogers

Heather,

I commend you for you honesty. Even more so I commend you for recognizing you need the help of men. Many single mothers are almost too confident they can take their sons to manhood without significant help of other men.

I would recommend a multi pronged approach. First, get them involved in sports. However, the coaches need to be real men of integrity, not those “win at all costs” coaches. Some of my greatest lessons about manhood I learned from my Pop Warner football coach. He was an older man who would get in our faces in a heartbeat. However, he clearly had a heart for the work he did with us. It was evident in so many ways. His aim was not to make us into great football players. His aim was to make us into great young men. Most of the boys who played under him have turned out to be very productive young men.

Second, consider getting them involved in church or community activities that are led by men. And do not rule out getting them a Big Brother, either.

Finally, when they get older, get them involved in activities that require them to be responsible for younger kids. For example, when I worked at the Boys and Girls Club we let the teens and pre teens help us monitor the younger children. Of course, we kept their limited authority in check. In the process they learned to be better decision makers and problem solvers. It helped develop their maturity.

In closing, the key is to expose your sons to strong and compassionate men. They need to be under the authority of men. That is how they learn how to have a better respect for authority. That is not to say they do not have a healthy respect for authority now. I just know how boys can get sometimes. Also, being under authority teaches them how to better handle having authority later in life.

Good luck with your boys. As long as they have a caring mother like you who is looking for answers I believe they will turn out to be great young men.
http://www.arippleffect.blogspot.com Trina

No one is able to fulfill all the needs of raising a child single-handedly. I was blessed to have both mom and dad to raise my brother and I and we still needed the input of family, friends, church group leaders, pastors, teachers, etc to have a well-rounded experience in growing up…I think a wise single mother will recognize that surrounding herself with everybody she can get her hands on that she knows will be a good influence on her son OR daughter is beneficial – whatever happened to “it takes a village” anyway??

Trinas last blog post..Jack of All Trades and Master of None
http:blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

Heather, you’re making the right choice up front by seeking help and knowing you can’t do it all on your own.

IMO I think having positive men in your son’s life is the key. The comments above are all excellent, seek help through the church, sports can be another avenue, something else you can try is going to the child’s school and speaking with the guidance counselor. A lot of times they are aware of programs in the area, some of which are specifically tailored for young boys and they can point you in the right direction also.
Anonymous

Heather, i just want want to let you know you are on the right track in asking for help. T. Rogers is on point because you cannot fill the place of a man. Your kids are blessed to have a mother like you.