We Love You The Way You Are!

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by Lamar Tyler | on August 27th, 2008 | 19 comments

Ladies, why do you second guess us when we tell you we love you the way you are (especially when you ask us first). Why are you always trying to lose those last few pounds when we think you got it just right Why, why why?

BMWK Ladies, If your man tells you he likes you the size you are, do you believe him? Would you maintain that size for him or keep trying to shed the pounds for you? Would you even take his wishes into consideration? Fellas, have you ever gone through this.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

gina

No. I simply cannot believe that my DH (or any man) would prefer anything other than a copy of what he sees on television and in movies. If he didn’t, why does he so avidly watch the images therein? My DH says “I love you” instead of “You look great, hon” for two reasons: a)because he’s supposed to, and b)because I don’t look great. So yeah, I’ll continue trying to lose weight.
Misbeehavin

^^I agree with Gina. I’m the opposite though, I’m slim and always have been. Even after two kids. Hubby says it’s fine with him, but seems to like women who are more curvy or “thick”. I guess it’s all about being happy with yourself. Sorry, but I’m not gonna stuff my face to try to be more appealing to him.
Mommyagain30

I don’t beleive my hubby either. I know he would never say, you are too fat. For one it would hurt me, and i dont think he would ever do anything to purposley hurt me. Two i gained the weight by having his child so that would be really wrong for him to complain.

I still think you have to be happy with yourself, yes I am 40lbs more than I used to but I still love myself and think I am still attractive. I know my hubby is still attracted to me, but I would still like to loose the weight for me to feel better.
http://www.mylifemylovemyfinance.blogspot.com Ms. HM

I have the same issue as Misbeehavin. I am slender and always have been, even after having a son and a set of twins nine months ago. Today was the first time my DH complimented me in a very long time. I have issues with my size, but I work with it the best I can and at least I know I look good when I leave the house in the morning.

Ms. HMs last blog post..My Life: I’m Back!
TheDad

How do you know that he really doesn’t mean it? What if he’s being totally honest when he says that? I’m always getting on TheMom for jogging too much A brother needs something to hold on to.

Now how about if the shoe is on the other foot, would you tell your hubby? TheMom always tells me she like me at my current size better than she does my slimmer (single and ain’t eating right) size which is about 30 lbs lighter so I make a conscious effort to keep the pounds on. I want to keep that fire in her eye LOL
Misbeehavin

@ The Dad, Now how about if the shoe is on the other foot, would you tell your hubby? I tell him I like his body all the time. But I don’t tell him that and then start drooling if I see a guy with muscles, that would send a mix message.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

@Misbeehavin – I think men are more visual creatures but I see your point where you could get confused by words and actions. In a crazy mixed up man kinda way that still doesn’t mean that he doesn’t think your body is Grade A. There’s just something special about your wife…
http://chocolatemom.blogspot.com/ Maglet

I believe my husband. He’s no liar. My body is definitely different after having our children though. We talk about my “muffin” all the time because I’m not comfortable with it. I’d LOVE to be a solid, toned size 8 and not a flabby one. That’d be great, but since I’m lazy in the consistent exercise department and my husband chases me still and doesn’t moan about it… I haven’t really been hittin’ the treadmill that hard. LOL! Believe me… there is a LOT of flab going on around here.

I think he might tolerate it because I’m not “big”. I asked him how he feels about me and he said “I love all of you. Okay, sure… your muffin disappearing would be nice, but whatever. It’s not THAT big”. LMAO! He’s so cute when he squirms!

I DO feel that I’d still lean towards getting my body right, for me. Just because he likes something, doesn’t mean I have to!

Maglets last blog post..Fall Must-Haves!!!!
http://rawdawgb.blogspot.com rawdawgbuffalo

preach lamar preach

rawdawgbuffalos last blog post..7 Houses of Czechoslovakia
Dawn

I am right there with Maglet. I’ve managed to get back to within 10 pounds of so of pre-2-babies weight, but the flab/muffin just will not go away (I fear never, at least not until I get the money and/or nerve to do a tummy tuck, lol). Maybe I wouldn’t be so obsessed with the muffin if my boobs hadn’t deflated and sagged too!

DH says he loves me just the way I am, and I believe it to some extent. (It’s his fault I look like this, after all!) But I still want the lights out. LOL
http://justkeepkicking.blogspot.com MarriedToIt

In my head I think he might want to say something but in his head he knows better. He knows I will become obsessive about it. So, he leads with his heart and says what makes me feel good about myself and I accept it in my heart because I know its coming from a good place.

MarriedToIts last blog post..DNC Day Two….
Anna

@ Dawn, DH says he loves me just the way I am, and I believe it to some extent. (It’s his fault I look like this, after all!) But I still want the lights out. LOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This may sound stupid. I think I stayed with my ex longer than i should have because he was the one who gave me my body after having our 3 kids. I did not want anyone else to see it.
It does not look bad, It’s just not as perky as it use to be. Now that I am older and wiser I realized that gravity takes over, even for those who have not had kids. For me to have birthed 3 kids I am not complaining nor is my hubby. LOL. Men want woman with curves. (white men want a skinny woman with fake boobs like Pam Anderson and Posh). I like a man with real muscles (not roided up muscles). I compliment my husband more than he compliments me (he is handsome with a beautiful smile) He has told me that he does not tell me how pretty I am because he thinks it will go to my head. LOL. He just got set in his ways and the sterotype ways of society that light skin woman with good hair(what ever that means) are stuck up and to compliment them is going to make them vain. Anyone can lose thier looks at any time. A fire, a car crash. I pride myself on my personality and humbleness and having empathy for others. If you really love someone, it does not matter what size they are. I see pics of Pirece Bronson and his wife Keely Shay Smith on a beach having fun and kissing in the sand. Keely is 55 and has gained weight over the years. Looks like her husband loves it to me. Not all ppl are shallow. My hubby calls me a amazon with a giraff neck and a small face. I have learned to realize that is his way of saying) ( am beautiful, to him). In a marriage you do have to learn how to read between the lines of your husband. Woman are more vocal and men are sometimes/most of the time NOT. Men are a rubex cube(you have to keep turning it to figure it out). The problem is the kids can figure out a rubex cube and know how to wrap daddy around her finger before the wife does. LOL..
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheMom

I believe The Dad when he says I look good and that I do not need to lose more weight. And I take that into consideration. However, I think you have to feel good about yourself. I have set personal goals for my weight. I honestly do not mind the size that I am right now…but I have no room to grow. So my goal is to lose a few more pounds…that way if I go through a bad period… (you know..holidays… or when you get busy at work and eat a lot of fast food for a period…or if you are stressed and just eating) things just don’t get out of hand with my weight.

While we are on the topic. Why is it that your family members are the worst when it comes to calling you fat. Since when is it ever okay to call a person fat. A few weeks back I went home for a family gathering and my uncle said ” you are getting fat” I am sitting there holding my 6 month old baby and he tells me that I am getting fat. And I am thinking WTF,…don’t you see this baby in my arms?( Of course I do not say this to my uncle)

Is it just my family… has any body else experienced this?
http://findfashionaccessories.com Kat

Yes, I believe my man when he says he loves my body the way it is. However, at the end of the day it’s about how I feel about myself and how I feel in this skin. You can’t blame us, we are bombarded with images of perfection daily and relentlessly and then have to contend with you fellas turning your heads to admire these bombshells that the media thrusts in our faces. It’s so insidious before we know it we are obsessing about our weight and if you really are telling us the truth. I mean it’s a little hard to swallow a compliment when your man is salivating at a brick house. Other women are our rivals so it’s natural to compare, compete, and feel inadequate. If you want to help us out, stop staring so obviously at other females that you and I know are attractive and denying it. Thats sends a mixed message. I agree family members can be rude since most of my life I been a thin rail that nobody hit on by the way..but now I have no problem as for them rude folks…I tell them: “I’m a black woman and I’m supposed to have hips and thighs and my man regularly slaps my ass because he loves em” That usually shuts em up.
http://oddmusings.blogspot.com tina

Since I’ve mulled this over in my head a bit, I’ll answer now. My first answer was “BECAUSE ALL MEN ARE LIARS!” Heh…..but later modified that to “most men”. But after thinking about it, I’ve got an answer.

Anyhow, I think it has to do with how we feel about ourselves. If we feel like we look like crap, no matter what anyone else says, we’re still going to feel that way.

And I’ve got to agree with the ladies pointing out that a man’s words don’t mean much if their actions (drooling over the beyonce in the room, drooling over the hot naked babe in the movie or on the computer) don’t match. Which goes back to my original answer: BECAUSE ALL MEN ARE LIARS!

tinas last blog post..The Dreaded Glucose Test
doris

Why would anyone belive a a man when he conducts himself like he is looking for the next best thing. The staring at breast, the porn they indulge in, the talking about the assets of other women aound the woman you are with. What it comes down to is this. A woman should always think about herself and her apperance.Would you be proud to be with you if the order was reversed. Recently I have noticed too amny women who seem to not care about her apperance. I’m not telling you to get plastic surgery,weave your hair up or slather yourself in makeup. Take a clue if you are obese. stop the over eating and get to a healthy weight. Don’t do be sloven in your appreance and use that as confortable. All these women who call them selves Queens need to start lookling and conducting themselves as Queens. A real Queen would never over expose herself like a video trash. Sister’s now have a real “Queen” to look to, she is poised to be the 1st Black 1st Lady of the United States. Class, Dignity and Elegence. When you get there it won’t matter what your man or anybody else might say, by then you should be in a class all your own and your man might need to work to keep his place in your heart and space. So get it together girl and then strut your stuff and represent!
http://keepittrill.blogspot.com Kit (Keep It Trill)

“Why are you always trying to lose those last few pounds when we think you got it just right?”

So we can look curvy like the model in your photo.

Kit (Keep It Trill)s last blog post..History Made! Barack Obama Is The Official Nominee; Hillary & Bill Clinton and Joe Biden Play Their Cards Well
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

@KIT LOL, that is not the picture I wanted to use but I couldn’t find a good one. Sometimes looking for pictures of black people on the web is hard….
Harriet

I really believe my husband when he says he likes me the way I am. However, as many others have stated, it’s about how I feel about myself. I could care less about what size I’m wearing, but if I feel like I’m not in good shape, that has a detrimental effect on my psyche. If I can’t pass the physical fitness test for the Air Force, then I’ve got to get out and start running and doing some ab work and push ups (not the girlie ones, either). The Air Force physical fitness test is the easiest out of all of the branches of service, and if I can’t pass that, I gotta get it together. JMHO and my standard for my own body.

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