Dear BMWK, I Need Love!

Comments (6)

1. 

   Smooth Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

   You may not want to hear this...but here goes. Having a relationship with your Savior helps with all the downsides of a marraige as well as other problems that arise. You must be grounded in the word so he can see this in your walkand talk. Going to church together as a family and hearing the preached word, enjoy other married couples thats on the same status helps also and attend the married people profram at church. If you don't go to church, START. If you go and he don't, continue your walk and keep praying..he will come, believe me. Have fun, remember those things that made him laugh and made you laugh also, go back to the beginning. We (woman) also give more because we are stronger when it comes to relationships and they do learn from us. Keep it real, love him unconditionally and he will love you the same. Remove those thoughts of leaving, stay strong like our great, great, grandparents did. You can do it!!!! I know you can. You married him because you love him. Find a spiritual mentor to talk with and PRAY. Blessings to you and your family.
2. 

   Kit (Keep It Trill) Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

   There's something emotionally perverse about human nature: That which is hard to get or might be lost is cherished more than that which comes too easily. I say ignore the heck out of him. Act you like you could care less about affection. When he gets he notices this, he might test you and become affectionate "to win you back", only to pull back again. That's when you'll know he was just going through the motions to keep you, although you wonder what for? You said he was affectionate when the relationship was new. My first guess is he's has another relationship on the side. Half of all married men cheat, and they rarely tell the truth when you ask them. They cheat for one reason and one reason only: they don't believe in monogamy. My second guess is that he's depressed. He may not even know it. Couples and individual therapy can tease out this. In the meantime, focus on the doing the things that made you happy before you met him, as your life didn't begin with him. If the marriage goes or has already gone bad, your happiness in your life should not end with it. Good luck. Kit (Keep It Trill)s last blog post..Most People Are Good
3. 

   Mrs. D Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

   There is really not enough information here to make a judgment. People do different things for a lot of different reasons. I understand your frustration and you must know who and what you are dealing with. There are so many factors from lack of communication to deep rooted childhood issues that could be contributing to the situation. You mentioned that before you married him, you saw the change. Maybe it wasn't a change, maybe who he really is showed up because, in his mind, the courtship was over. We all tend to forget that we have to continue doing what we did to get a person to keep them. (And ladies, marriage doesn’t “fix people”. Whatever is going with that person will only be magnified after marriage.) Personally, I think the institution of marriage is too valuable to make a knee jerk decision. You have some decisions to make and I recommend that you talk to your pastor, a counselor or someone with some years of experience in a healthy marriage to help guide your decision. Only you know what you are living with and none of us can make this decision for you. While making your decision, keep this in mind: Men for the most part have to learn how to communicate and how to be affectionate. If he is withdrawing from sex, believe me, he is withdrawing for a reason. You guys need to be honest with each other to figure out what that is. You can work through this on your own or consider marriage counseling simply to help you guys to learn how to communicate. We woman sometimes can be so, let say aggressive, that we shut a brother down. He needs to feel safe to say what he feels or think. Because you are not communicating, you both have no idea what the other is really feeling or thinking. And please know that intimacy and sex are two totally different things for men. Being a “good provider” and a “good person” doesn’t always make a good husband. Just as we have to learn to be a good wife, he might have to learn to be a “good husband”. We are products of our environments, and not all of us have had good models a healthy marriage or what a good husband or wife looks like. It is your right if you choose to leave your marriage but please earn your divorce. You earn it by doing everything humanly possible to get to the root of the problem. When you reach this point and you are still not happy, you will be able to wish him well without anger and attract the kind of man that you think you need. You deserve to be happy. Women need that loving feeling and men need respect. If you would like to talk to me directly, you can find me at stilliriseministries@gmail.com. I am sorry guys for being so long.
4. 

   Na Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

   Try counseling with a professional. Please don't put the people at your church in your business like that. Especially, if you don't already belong to one. Divorce is the last option, if he loves you he should be able to improve somewhat in order to make you happy. Life is to short to be miserable.
5. 

   Mrs. D Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

   Thanks Na, if you choose a church for counseling, choose one with a trained professional staff. I keep forgetting not all churches are like ours. Our church have state licensed Christian counselors for our members. Unfortunately some churches have made it hard for the good ones out there that really do help people. I have resources that I can refer to you and for you that will get you in touch with professional christian counselors.
6. 

   ruby128 Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

   I agree with Ms. D on both comments and I feel for this woman. Most folks have the best intentions when getting married and some get married for the wrong reasons. But this is still a tough call because we're all still on the outside looking in. Being affectionate is a very important part of any relationship and there is a reason for him not being affectionate with his wife. Counseling with whomever is not going to work unless both parties communicate and agree to counseling -- he has to recognize that this is an issue for you and your marriage and be willing to resolve it. Keep praying for him to open up and be honest about his feelings as you continue to pray for guidance, if you all are not talking to each other and to god, it becomes more difficult to mend and move on. All the best.