Dear BMWK, What Should My Child’s Last Name Be?

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on August 8th, 2008 | 17 comments

Dear BMWK,

If a woman has a child with a man and they are not married should the woman give the child the man’s last name?

It’s double dipper day at BMWK with the Dear BMWK letters. I’ll let you all start on this one and we’ll jump in on the comments side of things.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (17)

Super Dave Van Buren Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

My daughter has her moms last name. we had a big arguement about it. She even filled out the paperwork when I was out of the room. As my daughter got older I cared about it less. I realized she's my blood regardless of her last name. Super Dave Van Burens last blog post..Does Superman Get Stressed?
OKA Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

Automatically, I wanted to say heck yeah. lol. But then u wonder... ok they're not married... so what does that mean? Is he a deadbeat dad? Are they co-parents living in different households? Questions. Questions. Questions. So to be fair, I think the child's last name should be an hyphenated name of both the parents' last names (i.e. Jones-Smith). TA DA.... problem solved! LOL.
Nicole Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

It doesn't matter because in most states the father won't even be recognized since their not married. In GA the father has to go to court, pay $500,and then his name can be on the birth certificate. Make sure the child is legitimated by the court and make him take out a life insurance policy with the child as the payee.
ruby128 Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

It's a personal choice, the important thing is that he be a father to the child. Another option is to hyphenate both his/her last names.
Ms. HM Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

When I was 18, I had my son out of wedlock. I gave him his father's last name. His father and I later got married, so we all had the same last name. We are no longer married and I have since remarried, so my son and I now have different last names. It doesn't seem to be an issue at all. Ms. HMs last blog post..My Life: I'm Back!
Anna Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

Depends on the woman. If a woman has kids by different fathers I believe usually she will choose to give them her last name. If a woman has a child and no longer likes the father or she knows he will add nothing in the raising of the child, she will use her last name. Now if the girl is young and little Ray Ray IIII's dad is a baller, drug dealer or thug, you better believe little Ray Ray is going to get his dads last name. She wants to make sure everyone knows who little Ray Rays daddy is. LOL. . On another note. I don't understand why woman don't give their sons their fathers last name. You are disrupting the family tree. My brother has our mothers maiden and I have a sister -her son has our maiden name(his grandfathers). Super Dave says " I realized she’s my blood regardless of her last name." Yes at the end of the day she is your blood but It makes it easier to search the family tree for our future generation. If you know Dave had a son but don't know his last name because it's not Van Buren it makes it harder. It's not easy to continue some of a family tree if last names are not legit or many have passed on . Just my 2 cents.
kim h20s Friday - 08 / 08 / 2008 Reply

ideally the father should give his last name. it's a symbolic gesture because the mother gave birth, so the father should give his name. but i can see how some mothers would want to have everybody in the house have the last name.
Kit (Keep It Trill) Saturday - 09 / 08 / 2008 Reply

It's all about personal preference, period. Society is flexible. Tracing family trees for past several decades is easy and should be even easier in the future. My own preference is that if the parents don't have a snowball's chance of getting married, the child should have his/her mother's surname. She may have a 2nd or 3rd child in the future, and if they all have different last names, this *could be* embarrassing since it feeds into the social bias that the women is promiscuous (often not true). Different last names also feeds into the negative black stereotypes which the above commenter, Anna, demonstrated so perfectly as she poked fun of the child's possible ethnic nick-name - and assumed criminality of the father, while children with fathers named George, Dick or Carl don't get this 'extra' scrutiny. Kit (Keep It Trill)s last blog post..Most People Are Good
Kemi in Toronto, Canada Saturday - 09 / 08 / 2008 Reply

Depends on the culture! In Nigeria, it's usually the father's name until I arrived in America in 1981, I never saw a woman's last name as the kid's last name. In Africa, that can be dangerous. These kids might end up marrying the wrong families because they had their mom's last name. One guy married his sibling unknowingly that the same father fathered them. R.I.P to that comedian---Bernie MAC Kemi in Toronto, Canadas last blog post..BREAKING NEWS: Comic actor Bernie Mac dies at age 50!
Lovely K Saturday - 09 / 08 / 2008 Reply

Me personally, me and my son's father were not married when we gave birth to my first child. We were on bad terms and i have always been proud of my maiden name so my son has my last name. But all 3 of his other children have his last name. To be quite honost with you, i didn't want anything to remind me of him. My son is a beautiful contribution to my life and i want his future family to be recocgnized as a clyburn and not a felix. The man was so difficult i couldn't even have him in the delivery room, cause he would have added stress to an already stressful situation.
Anna Saturday - 09 / 08 / 2008 Reply

Lovely K Says: August 9th, 2008 at 9:51 am Me personally, me and my son’s father were not married when we gave birth to my first child. We were on bad terms and i have always been proud of my maiden name so my son has my last name. But all 3 of his other children have his last name. To be quite honost with you, i didn’t want anything to remind me of him. My son is a beautiful contribution to my life and i want his future family to be recocgnized as a clyburn and not a felix. The man was so difficult i couldn’t even have him in the delivery room, cause he would have added stress to an already stressful situation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thank You for sharing. That was one of my points. Some woman do choose not to carry on the name because of their own hurt.
tina Saturday - 09 / 08 / 2008 Reply

It all depends on the situation: if there is a plan for these two to get married and be committed to each other, then giving the child his last name is all good. If there will arise an insurance issue where if the kid has a different last name than the mother the child will not be insured, then the kid should get the mother's name. (You'd be amazed at how many "fathers" won't provide health care for their kid and expect the mother or the state to pay for everything, yet insist that the kid get their last name.) If it's a baby daddy situation, the kid should get the mother's name. But names can be changed if the situation so arises. Those are my 3 cents. tinas last blog post..I Told Y'all That Woman Wasn't Right In the Head!
Anna Sunday - 10 / 08 / 2008 Reply

tina Says: August 9th, 2008 at 8:12 pm It all depends on the situation: if there is a plan for these two to get married and be committed to each other, then giving the child his last name is all good. If there will arise an insurance issue where if the kid has a different last name than the mother the child will not be insured, then the kid should get the mother’s name. (You’d be amazed at how many “fathers” won’t provide health care for their kid and expect the mother or the state to pay for everything, yet insist that the kid get their last name.) If it’s a baby daddy situation, the kid should get the mother’s name. But names can be changed if the situation so arises. Those are my 3 cents. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am glad you said what you did. Some woman don't give the last name because the dad may not have a job with benefits and the state will pick up the tab. Some woman don't do the last name because they are not married. A name can be changed. All my kids have their dads last name(same man) my first born graduated from college yesterday and after sitting through 1250 names when they got to my child they said her name wrong. It is ok, we know her name. LOL. Now she gets to pack again and continue her education to get her Masters Degree. She has a simple name to me. LindaMarie T. Rowlett. It was pronounced, LindaMarie Trolay . (her middle name is Tashea'). I am not mad though. I did get a autograph from the guest speaker. James Pickens(the black man on Greys Anatomy) Mr. Pickens graduated from BG in 1976. Usually this does not happen,(when you meet someone in person) He is just as nice looking as he is on the show. (his speech was nice and laughable). I honeslty thought that after his speech he would leave. He did take the time to take pics and sign autographs. My daugher called me to say " do you still watch "Greys" I said sometimes. She said that the black man on the show is going to be our guest speaker. I said " Isahia Washington" She agreed. I am glad it was not Mr.,Washington but Mr. Pickens Jr.
SexontheBeachMagazine.com Sunday - 10 / 08 / 2008 Reply

Take the "breadwinner's" last name no matter if its the mom or pops. Makes the most sense...the one who sacrifices the most financially and emotionally. If both parents are equal....then maybe the dad's lol
SexontheBeachMag.com Sunday - 10 / 08 / 2008 Reply

nice topic SexontheBeachMag.coms last blog post..In STRANGE Sex News…
Anna Sunday - 10 / 08 / 2008 Reply

SexontheBeachMagazine.com Says: August 10th, 2008 at 2:49 pm Take the “breadwinner’s” last name. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now that does make sense. But if you have equal pay and equal chores after work hours is a different story. Let's admit it. We name our kids what we name them for a reason. I named my kids what I did so my dad could remember their first names. A last name is a also a personal choice, and I personally chose to give my kids thier dads last name. Some first names given to a child I can't prounce or spell. Are moms so sedated after the delivery that they themselves make up a name? I had natural births and no drugs, Now on another note, A mama has to do what she does in order to raise the babies. A self induced comma was what I wanted durning the teen years. I survied !Grandma free, but it was not easy. If you put in the work/tme in raising a child (with a name I can't pronouce)it does pay off. Invest in your child and it does pay off. A name is just a name. I would like to have more woman give their child the dads last name. I do understand why many woman don't but remember your child will grow up and ask you WHY.
daQUEEN Tuesday - 02 / 12 / 2008 Reply

I am a single mom and my child's father was an absolute bu** hole during my entire pregnancy. I went through it with loving family and friends. 29 hours of long hard labor, no meds and I gave my son a hyphenated last name. I figure this....I can always use just my last name in situations like...booking airline tickets...giving him inclusiveness with my family, who is his soul family...school...whatever we would need done. Well I took the joker to court to hold him accountable...Well ofcourse I use my sons hyphenated name at that point, it totally tells the story. A year later...he is remorseful for being a bu**hole, has apologized and has expressed a desire to be in our son's life. My son will now be able to identify with the other side....hmmmm yeah he is still a part of the other side. When he gets old enough...he can weigh his own circumstance and can decide for himself which way he will use it. Either way, I covered all basis! Also my last name could remain a second middle name. If i didn't feel the pressure from society...I'm old school and would have given him just his father's last name....but he had to be a bu**hole. i hope i kept it clean enuff.