I Need Love - Part 2
BMWK Family
Do you think there is enough affection in your relationship? We had a poll a few weeks ago asking our readers do they think black people show enough affection in their relationships and 31% of the readers said yes.. but 69% of the readers said no.
A reader wrote to BMWK a few weeks ago and she said that she was unhappy in her relationship because her husband did not show her enough affection. Maybe her husband grew up that way. Maybe he is loving her her the best way (the only way) he knows how to love.
Affection is important to maintaining a loving relationship and it also has positive impacts on your kids. When my son was little (this was long before I met TheDAD) he came home one day and told me that he wanted to live with the people down the street. He had dinner with them and was able to witness a loving and affectionate couple having dinner with their kids. He did not have this at home. Although I feel like I was very affectionate to him, he did not see that love and affection between his father and me. In fact, it was quite the opposite.
Don’t let the affection in your relationships fade away after your inital courtship is over. You should be openly displaying affection towards your partner every day. Affection is not just for the bedroom. This might sound corny, but TheDad kisses everyone in the house before he leaves EVERY morning!! And that little act means so much to me. Once we had an arguement in the morning and he came over and kissed me anyway. I did not pucker up…but I had to try really hard to keep from smiling…I did not want him to know that I wanted my kiss that day. I don’t ever want to take my morning kiss for granted because if he ever stopped it would be dearly missed.
BMWK Family - How many of you grew up with parents that were not affectionate to each other? How did this impact your relationships when you got older? Please share some of the ways that you are able to show affection with your spouse and/or kids?
Note: This post is not about PDA (public display of affection)…So please no stories about making out in the park or some other public place…we can save that for another post 
(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
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i grew up with parents that were extremely affectionate. We hug, kiss, and say I love you daily. Heck, I’m 32 and I still talk to my parents and siblings daily and we always say I love to to end the call. My husbands faily isnt really the same from what I’ve obseved and he isnt as affectionate as I am. I have learned to accept the affection he shows. He will do very caring things and thats how he shows affection. He cooks all the time and will make a plate for me and bring it to me. He calls me while he’s at work just to check on me. He will buy Cinnamon Toast Crunch because I love it even though he talks about the sugar it contains. Its he way of showing he cares you just have to take it how it comes and appreciate it
I totally agree that affection in a relationship is so important. I tell my husband all time. My son is very afffectionate, I think it is natural for him (got it from his momma). He hugs us for no reason, and I love it! My husband is not as affectionate, eventhough he shows our son a lot of affection (smile). I think when it come to woman and the fact that he never had a male teach him about showing love for a woman it doesn’t dawn on him that momma need love too. Also he has 3 brothers, no sisters, I think that has a lot to do with it as well. My father was more affectionate than my mother, and he didn’t even live with me. After expressing myself to my husband he slowly started to come around, but it is a working progress, I’m patient (only for him).
Marriedtoit….You are exactly right, I have to say, my husband do show me in his own way that he love me. Thank you, for reminding me everyone express themselves differently.
You can’t be intimate with somebody and not say those simple words “I love you”, otherwise you are just going through the motioons of a relationship and it is just sex. I have heard of couples who do not fight in front of the kids. To me that is not healthy. Kids will have never been able to see two ppl who love each other fight and move on. I am not talking about physical fighting, that should never happen. I do feel sorry for anyone wasting their time/life if they don’t get anything out of the relationship but “a bread winner”, a father/mother for their child(ren).
If chidren don’t see parents showing each other love and respect what do we expect them to grow up to be like other than withdrawn, distant and non commital(sp) or non loving adults who go through relationship after relationship because they were not taught to work it out. Never stay because of the kids. I don’t need to hear I love you every minute of the day. that would not mean as much to me. I do hear it from my husband at least once a day. Not to hear it at all can break ones spirit.
Black ppl are affectionate and passionte when they share a thought. I listened to Michelle Obama and she stated that her father had MS and walked across the livingroom using two canes to give his wife a kiss. Recently my Mother and Father-in-law had a back to school picinic/bbq at the beach (for the grandkids). My mohter-in-law’s hat blew off her head with a gust of wind. My father-in-law was at the grill cooking and got there faster than anyone to place it back on her head. How sweet. If a mariage is unfulfilled it does not mean it is not worth saving. Marriage counselors. church marriage advisors also help those seeking a resolution. I find that because I am still young a date out helps. We call each other at work and siting down at the home dining table sharing a meal or even washing dishes also brings up conversation. If I could not have some sort of communication with my husband even for one day it would drive me crazy(ier) than I already am. LOL.
This is a very touchy subject at this point in my relationship. I immediately started crying from the first sentence of this article. Right now as I type, I’m dropping tears for my unaffectionate relationship. My husband and I used to be the couple that everyone envied. Now, I find myself envying my earlier relationship. It seems as though my husband and I hate eachother, but we deal with eachother. We don’t argue, but we don’t even talk for that matter. I have been severely depressed over this. My performance at work is suffering, my performance at home is suffering. Everything that makes me me is just not there anymore and it’s all because of the lack of affection. I am truly hurting and he seems not to care. I try to get any kind of touch but if I swipe him, he moves as if a bee has stung him. It’s not that he’s cheating, although I know he wants to, it’s just not there anymore and me being me, I don’t want to let it go, I want to fight for it. But as the song says “this love is taking all of my energy” and I don’t know what to do. Not to get to personal, but we have five children and I’m just not into sex like I used to be and I have a few ‘dryness’ issues that makes him think I don’t love him or I don’t want him so he just stopped trying. I told him men who are impotent aren’t perceived as not loving their spouses or not wanting them, it just doesn’t work anymore. And women, we all know what that’s like. I feel like my marriage is going to end if something isn’t done. I am a person who thrives off of affection and touch and when I am not getting that, I am just not happy. I need his touch and I need him to know that I love and want him more now than I ever did, but how? How do I get him back to smacking my butt in front of the kids, or holding my hand, cuddling next to me in bed, or even holding me when I’m upset? I know it may seem like I’m rambling or kind of out there, but when I saw this subject a flood of emotions came over me and I can’t seem to stop to them. I can’t seem to not want to ask for help. So, can someone help. I would really like a man’s thoughts on this one, since I’m sure they might have gone through the same thing with their wife and maybe fixed it. I am up for all thoughts as well. Pray for us.
When I was growing up, my parents were very affectionate towards each other. My siblings and I used to think it was gross at the time, but I appreciate it. Even now, when I go visit my parents, they are yet chasing each other around the house and laughing and tapping each other on the butt (yes, that still grosses me out).
Depending upon the state of our marriage, my husband can be very hands off. When he gets like that, I can’t stand it and I emotionally tune out. Things could be a lot better right now in the affection area. It is not always like that, but when we are going through a “season” of difficulty, the affection is lacking.
Tamara—I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Ms. HMs last blog post..My Life: I’m Back!
Tamara - I will also pray for you. We had a post a few weeks ago on the same topic and the readers gave some great advice.
Please check it out:
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2008/08/08/dear-bmwk-i-need-love/
In particular , see the comments from Mrs. D.
Tamara,
I have been married for eighteen years, I also have five children and it has been a journey. My husband grew up in a non-affectionate home which brought many challenges to our marriage that we have been able to overcome. Tamara, challenges are just speed bumps in life; they don’t have to be the end of the road.
I feel your pain, hurt and disappointment but I want you to be encouraged because there is hope. Your response here is so personal, I won’t really address details here but if you would like to talk to me personally just for some moral support, encouragement and resources to get you through this tight spot, please contact the moderator of this forum; they know how to find me. In the meantime I am praying that God will give you comfort and clear directions. I pray that He will provide you with a road map to bring hope and healing to you, your husband and your family. I am also praying that he will place the right people in your path that will provide good counsel, encouragement and accountability. You guys can break through this challenge. Marriage can be very challenging but its rewards are so much greater. You can keep your family together without suffering in silence.
Peace and Blessings to you.
Tamara, girl wake up I will say the relationship is in trouble, but also you must work on yourself before you can tackle this demon. A lot of times people play with your emotions and you have to be strong, so let’s work on self. With five kids in the house i know you can find something else to do instead of pining over lover boy. Find someone to watch the kids and go out to the movies or something. Have friends to come over for tea or bible study, don’t try to slip around and do things behind his back because he will think you are cheating and that will give him power to do something he wanted to do anyway. So be open and ask him if he wants to attend and he will say no and you will ok. You must remember you are valuable and that we teach people how to treat us. Just stop letting the brother know how you are hurting behind his actions, you have given this man to much power over your life and now snatch it back. Act like he is not around and if he says something to hurt your feelings overlook it. Play with the kids or take a shower and get dressed up and don’t go anywhere. Now this will really make you feel better go shopping even if you cannot afford much buy something for yourself. Victoria Secrets or walmart it does not matter as long as it is for You, you will feel the same. Take the focus off of him and put it on you, he will start to see you in a different way, maybe the person he had to fight to get in the beginning, this is no joke take your power back if you really tried you could love yourself better than any man could love you, and with the dryness issue you can buy something from the drug store to fix that. If he stays or goes you must be happy with yourself the last thing you want to do is to let your daughters think this is the way a man treats a woman it is not, hang in there girl and in two weeks let us know how things are going.
I love all the feed back to the woman in peril. True words could have never been stated. I as many ppl who went throgh hell and back know and realize that “living well is the best revenge”. If you don’t love yourself who can you love?
For Tamara,
I am praying for you. I am not married but in a relationship. The relationship before this guy, I had your issue, it was both of us. Stress in the relationship and him not being affectionate to me made me not very turned on by him. I loved him but that wasn’t enough, him being distant and when it came to sex he started out being the greatest and then ended after a year being lay down and let me do my business so we can roll over and go to sleep.
Now my new guy for 16 months has been great and still great. We hit each other on the blackberry daily at work with obscene gestures that really make each other want more when we see each other. I can look in his eyes and see the passion there and that makes me HOTT!
So what I am saying maybe you need to get a break from the kids, do something that you both like. Create the very first time you fell for him or vice versa when he fell for you. Recreate the very first time you had sex. Talk to him, even if you cry or feel you sound dumb, tell him, I know you love him, you sound as if you do. Everyone is so quick to leave, it maybe something he is going through also. Don’t blame you alone or him, work together if he is willing. No one knows your relationship but you, you know him better than anyone here. I have been in masses of bad relationships but this one is different, we have issues and I am wondering when will the greatness come because he has been married twice and shellshot. But I know hw loves me. He is not very affectionate and that comes from childhood, but he tells me everyday that I am changing him and its uncomfortable. As that maybe he hasn’t left yet, he is dealing with my touchy, kissy, I love you, want to talk to him all day, smothering self. Guess why? Cause he has never had it and he knows it is real.
Work on your marriage, you may need to seek an OB/GYN but if you think it can work, make it. Nothings worse than a failure who didn’t try, and remember GOD changes all things, no matter how unpromising it looks. I am 34 and I have not giving up hope for a greater love.
My Prayers to you
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