Dear BMWK… Young Marriage – Update!

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on September 15th, 2008 | 8 comments

We got this comment over the weekend from someone we profiled in a Dear BMWK before. To see the original question and everyone’s comments go here.

Hello everyone this is pinkgirl. i just wanted to give you guys an update on the decision i made. I broke up with my bf who i was dating for 5 years. Its been like 2 months since we broke up and now he saying he wants to marry me but I told him that now im not sure. Before i broke up with him I let him know that i was wondering when we were going to get married and that we have been dating for too long….he brought up all kinds of excuses and said that there was no need to rush and that i needed to be patient. Anyway now he
calls me and says he want to get married and is ready to buy the ring, but I said, “be patient, there is no need to rush, and i need to think about it”. I do need to think about it because now im not sure.

BMWK what do you think? Any advice for our reader? Should she give the guy another chance? Let us know.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://blogitteems.blogspot.com Teems

5 years may seem like a long time but it all depends on your maturity in the relationship. The best thing is to make sure that you are not getting married because of the pressure. I have had a lot myself being with my(now fiance)of 6 years (we just got engaged). Even at 4 years I though we were ready; now that time has took its course,I couldn’t have imagined a better moment.

Just how there may be pressure to get married, there is pressure not to. There are many people that are against it and will tell you “you aren’t ready”, “too young”, or “live a little”. That may have delayed your BF decision as well.

Either way, you should definitely think about it first… its only natural. You want to make sure hes really ready and not just trying to appease you. A marriage/wedding should be planned out of this. Because you don’t want to be engaged for 3+ years…. That will be just another argument in itself.

Teemss last blog post..Blushing in Bliss
http://keepittrill.blogspot.com Kit (Keep It Trill)

Someone at verysmartbrothers.com said that the difference between women who get married and women who don’t is that the first group was decisive enough to yes. Considering the low rates of marriage for black women, that’s something to think about.

The question now is do you really love him? This past summer you did. Do you still love him? If you do, but you’re just stalling as form of payback, there’s a real good chance he’ll dip outta the relationship. From the point of view of many males, he was comfortable when things were as they were. Then you shook the tree and made an ultimatum based on your saying you were ready. He thought about it, and made the huge mental leap of taking the leap. Diss him now, and may feel you’re playing with his heart and more about drama than love.

If during the separation you discovered you don’t truly love him, your decision should be a no-brainer. Say thank you and say goodbye.

Good luck in your decision.

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BTW, M&Mw/kids, I like your new webpage design.

Kit (Keep It Trill)s last blog post..From Black Monday to Black Autumn: The New Great Depression Arrives
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

@ KIT- Excellent advice and glad you like the new design, whenever you make a big change you’re nervous about whether your core will accept it or not.

@PinkGirl – like Keep IT Trill said you have to decide if you’re just on payback now or not. After two months away you should know whether that was real love or just a passing fancy.

Also thank you for sharing with the site and we truly hope in the end that everything turns out the right way.
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

I dunno. PPs are talking about your actions, but I’m curious about his since two months ago he wasn’t ready, let’s wait, don’t rush and two months after a breakup he’s ready to do the deed. Do you think he’s sincere? That’s what’s key to me. Maybe he doesn’t want to lose you and after 5 years that’s understandable, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to get married.

Also, are you sure you want to get married or was it more that you wanted him to want to marry you?

Finally, remember that every relationship is not marriage bound. Some good relationships are just good relationships.

Good luck.
http://oddmusings.blogspot.com tina

Sounds like he got comfy and realized that his comfort zone was squashed when you left. Now he wants to do whatever it’ll take to bring back that comfort zone. My concern would be: where was this feeling of “I want to marry you” during the 5 years of dating? Now it’s urgent? He’s been telling you to be patient, but now that the tables have turned, he can’t be patient? What’s the rush? There wasn’t a rush before when you two were dating for 5 years.

It seems to me that your feelings and how you feel fell way on the backburner and it’s been all about him and how he feels. He’s not ready to get married so you have to be patient. Now he’s ready (probably only because you stopped the relationship) and putting the pressure on you. On the other hand, perhaps he realized once you left him how YOU must have felt and realized that he hadn’t been right towards you. Perhaps he had an epiphany and grew up a bit when he realized that what may have been the best thing in his life walked away because he didn’t want to commit. As they say, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.”

I think you have a lot to think about and assess before you decide on an answer to give this guy. I see it (and you see it) from the girl point of view, but what about the guy point of view? Guys are wayyy more sensitive than I ever imagined they were….sometimes more so than women. So that may have a huge part in his change of heart. And you need lots of communication between the two of you to figure out where his change of heart is coming from. Take as long as you need to figure it out. Better to make an informed decision and be at peace with that decision than to rush into a mistake and end up regretting it. Just keep us updated. *grin*
http://www.mylifemylovemyfinance.blogspot.com Ms. HM

@the Dad and Mom—I love the new design as well. I’m glad you all revisited the marriage post, I was wondering what happened.

I agree with KIT wholeheartedly. Five years may seem like a long time to be in a relationship, but it may be the time that a person needs to grow and mature. My husband and I were together 3 years before we got married. We discussed marriage during that time and knew that we wanted to get married one day. I now think that we should have dated a lot longer. We have now been married for 2 years. I had a son before we got married and now we have a set of twins who are 10 months old. I think my husband is overwhelmed with us being married and the addition of 2 babies. Enjoy the time you are married and don’t pose ultimatums unless you really mean it.

Ms. HMs last blog post..Got A Pay Raise………BUT………
Anna

I don’t log on for a few days and what a change. Nice design and I love that you have included how many hits per post. It makes us feel more involved in the growing of this site. I know TheMom & TheDad are getting much love from other sites and radio interviews, but you can best believe we “hitters” and ppl who comment have helped spread this email address site like a “chain letter”. LOL.

It is not as easy to walk away from a marriage than just dating. I only suggest that just because he now wants you back does not mean that some kind of counseling is not warranted. If one goes back after even a 2 month seperation it’s resuming what you left as though nothing happended. Or if you go back to the relationship and it has been longer than 6 months it feels fun and new again. Each person is still the same person and without revaluation of ones self and counsling it is once again not going to work. As someone stated “He wants his comfort zone back”, in a relationship/ marriage we find a comfort that is familiar to us beit good or bad. You gave him a altamatium(sp) he took the bait, but remember it took 2 months not 1 day. If it were my man I would want to know what he was doing in those 2 months.
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

@ Ms. HM and Anna – glad the two of you like the new design and I also like the views feature.I only wish it was views from the time it was created instead it’s just from the time we went to the new site design which was Sunday night. Some of our more popular posts would’ve had crazy views under this system. Oh well.