Can Men and Women Be Friends?
17 September 2008
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33 Comments
Alright BMWK it’s time to talk about that play-play brother or sister that you have. Can women and men be friends? Especially if one or both is married? If you spend too much time together is a sexual attraction inevitable? Me and TheMom have talked in the past about making a post on this topic then I saw an article on msn that dealt with it. These are the rules they say you should follow:
- You can’t go out to late night dinners together. You can have lunch together in a public place, but you should not order alcoholic beverages. “The embers of attraction really can grow in situations like that, and suddenly it’s not so innocent, it’s not just friendship anymore,” Rabbi Shmuley says.
- You can’t take long drives or long flights with the other person, even if it’s for work. “Even if you have to work with a colleague [of the opposite sex], there are still certain boundaries you need to preserve,” he says.
- You cannot place yourself in any situation where romance can grow. “Romance grows when people are alone; romance grows when people tell secrets,” Rabbi Shmuley says.
- You can’t share secrets with a platonic male or female friend that you don’t share with your spouse. “Because then you’re sharing an exclusivity with a member of the opposite sex that you’re not with your partner, and that can lead to a big no-no,” he says.
- You should not be friends with ex-lovers.
BMWK, what do you think about these rules. If followed will they keep you safe? What would you add? Is it better not to have opposite sex friends at all? How do you feel about your spouses opposite sex friends? Let us know.
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LOL, this should be interesting.
Our philosophy is if you think I’d be upset to see you doing something, it’s best not to do it. The point is, you have to know YOUR spouse. I give my husband a long leash when it comes to the opposite sex. He’s an actor so he works with women all the time and sometimes they have to rehearse at our house or their house and I’m rarely around for that.
My only “rules” are:
+Never lend another woman money.
+Never do things for her that are household type things (fixing stuff, waiting for packages, getting her brakes fixed, etc) mainly because these are things that MATES, brothers or fathers do - not friends.
There are a ton of gray areas obviously but to be honest most people know what is and isn’t appropriate they just want to play dumb and see what they can get away with.
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@Huemanity - people do be playing dumb LOL
@ Huemanity, Never lend another woman money.
+Never do things for her that are household type things (fixing stuff, waiting for packages, getting her brakes fixed, etc) mainly because these are things that MATES, brothers or fathers do - not friends.
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So true, those things also go towards family members. Remember if you lend a family member money it is a gift you will never get it back so make sure your own household can afford it and consider it a loss.
Back to the topic. You can be friends with the opposite sex, only if they are gay/lesbian. LOL.
Both of my daughters have had great best friends with (thier own not the same young man) both (my daughters) decided it was ok to date them. Needless to say both of these young men are welcome in my home anytime, before, during and after the now breakup. I think my husband and I and their parents were more hurt because of the breakup than the kids were. LOL.
My daughters still visit who I thought would be their in-laws. And they do still call their ex’s. No need to break up a great friendship because it didn’t work out. It’s called “maturity”.
This is a good one. I do think men and women can be friends but only if folks keep it real - with themselves and with others. I think it’s extremely difficult to be just friends with someone who you’re attracted to - some people try to ignore that whether it be denial or out of respect for whatever reason. Most folks will put themselves in a situation knowing good and well anything is possible because most folks know good and well if they’re attracted to someone …yes sometimes you may not know or think you’re attracted to someone at first and it may not hit you til later, but deep down you know from the gate. We’re all human and temptation is no joke, and therein lies the problem ….and then are some people who have to be taught how to be friends with the opposite sex because some folks have never really experienced that as well. It may not be easy, but it’s possible as long as everybody is on the same page.
And being friends with an ex-lover can be a hot mess waiting to happen and might be more trouble than its worth especially if you’re involved in another relationship - so that all depends on the individuals.
I’ll make the question more specific: Can an unmarried straight man and unmarried straight woman be real friends?
Answer: Rarely seen in real life. When it doesn, it’s most likely to have occurred b/c at some point, the two were classmates, coworkers, or playmates from the days of the sandbox and sliding board.
Kit (Keep It Trill)s last blog post..From Black Monday to Black Autumn: The New Great Depression Arrives
For the married people in the room did you have platonic male/female friends before your marriage and if so what happened to them?
This is my area of expertise and I understand that everyday I’m still learning. I wrote an entire article on this very subject, being friends with people of the opposite sex. Bottom line is when you get married, the wife or husband gets promoted and friend get put down a peg otherwise the friends will have entitlement issues and you definitely don’t want that.
If you’d like to excerpt the article email me.
princessdominiques last blog post..Bedroom Talk
Uhht ohh! Here’s a topic that you can talk into the ground… LOL!
To me, a friend is a friend. Just no keeping secrets or “funny stuff”, b/c then everyone HAS to die. House rules.
J/K (I think)… *smirk*
I’m OK with it, as long as you’re mature enough to handle the truth & play your part. S/He’s your FRIEND, not a LIFESAVER…
I think I’ve said enough.
I had several male friends before I got married. My husband and I discussed it and decided for OUR relationship it would be best for us not to have friends of the opposite sex. I just told them we could no longer communicate. Now the key to my situation is that all of my male friends I had dated previously so I could understand my husbands concern.
I do not think men and women can be just friends, or I should say straight men and women. I was friends with this guy for years and one day we both were in a vulnerable situation,(we both had broke up with our boyfriend/girlfriend)and everyone knows what happened.
We stayed friends after that but we still were intimate from time to time. This will not work in a marriage; my husband is my best friend so I don’t need any other male friends. I think this adds unnecessary temptation.
@ elle denise - “To me, a friend is a friend. Just no keeping secrets or “funny stuff”, b/c then everyone HAS to die. House rules. J/K (I think)… *smirk* ”
That had me ROFL.
I definitely don’t think you ought to be confiding, telling secrets or telling your business to that friend no matter how you used to talk once you get married. Whenever TheMom ticks me off you’d never be able to tell it at work or anywhere else. People like to try to catch you in a weak moment.
BTW these two points from the article were on target:
# You cannot place yourself in any situation where romance can grow. “Romance grows when people are alone; romance grows when people tell secrets,” Rabbi Shmuley says.
# You can’t share secrets with a platonic male or female friend that you don’t share with your spouse. “Because then you’re sharing an exclusivity with a member of the opposite sex that you’re not with your partner, and that can lead to a big no-no,” he says.
I told TheDAD when we were getting married…no play-play cousins or sisters at our wedding
No ex-girlfriends either!!! I don’t play that. But really… TheDad has a few female friends from before we got together and I like them. But I take it on a case by case basis. I need to meet the friend and then I will know if I am comfortable with that person.
I don’t want a man calling my cell phone like what’s up..what ya doing today… I just don’t think it is appropriate..and it just does not work. When I had male friends in the past, eventually they would say something inappropriate or try me..and then the line was crossed. That’s why I just don’t go there.
TheMoms last blog post..Can Men and Women Be Friends?
Hi, I found your blog on this new directory of WordPress Blogs at blackhatbootcamp.com/listofwordpressblogs. I dont know how your blog came up, must have been a typo, i duno. Anyways, I just clicked it and here I am. Your blog looks good. Have a nice day. James.
I’m just saying…! Some people don’t know their limits & tend to get downright rude & disrespectful. THEN, when its time to call them out on their BS, they wanna be all cute & coy.
Don’t get me started today! LOL
Funny this should come up today. I have a male (married) friend at work that my fiance isn’t crazy about. Sometimes my fiance understands, but then he has a bad day and wants to bring-up names.
Today, I shared a relationship issue with that male friend. The issue I shared has the potential to break-off the engagement with my fiance. I included a few details from recent arguments to highlight my points.
Although I acted without malice and was thankful I had an ear, afterward I keep feeling like I may have stepped over a line. I’m not interested in this male friend romantically and we never dated, but my fiance has met him a few times and seems to thing the friend may be interested in me.
::sigh:: I guess I’m just venting at this point. Not really sure if I was getting to a point. LOL
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@ Hawa
, but my fiance has met him a few times and seems to thing the friend may be interested in me.
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Men are really wired so different. If you smile at them they think you want them and they think they can bed you. I smile by nature but some men think that a smile is a “she wants me”. what is up with that. Is/does my smile look like I am desperate for a man? Am I flirting and don’t know it? I am just me. Or are men just STUPID?
Men do say” what does your husband have to do with me”? I say and have said. you don’t want to meet my husband.
Men are dfinitely wired differently than woman. We may also be stupid but the line drawn in the sand is pretty cut and dry. When we become less than professional in our interoffice relationships we are wrong by definition. Ending up in bed is a result of our thinking well before we get there.
blacknessdefineds last blog post..1/3 of white Democrats dislike Blacks
Hawa in all honesty, if you are confiding in a man about pertinent issues between you and your fiance, who your fiance isnt fond of in the first place I do believe there is a slight problem. First and foremost anything that pertains to your relationship with your fiance should FIRST be addressed with your fiance in order to establish trust and clear lines of communication. I understand that seeking advice from an outside source may help you deal with a problem from a different perspective, but stepping outside of your relationship can be very very risky and is seems as though you are crossing a line.
Sometimes you simply have to think to yourself: Would it be appropriate if my fiance were in my situation and were doing the same thing with some woman at his job that I do not care for? Im sure the answer is HECK NO. Just be mindful of what you say and who you say it to, and take into account the fact that you may be compromising the intimacy of your relationship with your future life partner if you continue to treat your relationship this way.
Hailis last blog post..July 2008: The Birth of Vogue
CAN A MAN AND WOMAN … SPEND A NIGHT IN A MOTEL….BOTH ARE SPOKEN FOR…CHILDREN WERE ALSO PRESENT IN THE MOTEL ROOM…..THEY ARE LONG-TIME FRIENDS/LOVERS…….IS IT POSSIBLE?…FOR NO HANKY-PANKY TO GO ON……THIS WAS A POINT OF NO RETURN WITH A EX
I am new to this site. Although I enjoy a good novel every now and again, I like to stick to biographies. Biographies tell about a persons path in life and their trouble in that life and how they over came those adversities. With that being said, I believe that many of us get into relationships with the hope of being swept off our feet; taken away to a fantasy island or to meet that knight in shining armour. However the mythical novel begins, it usually turns into what life is really about-struggle; and how to overcome it.
Now, can women and men be friends if one or both are married? I believe BMWK’s ground rules are very good foundationally to begin. I also would challange readers to consider the core question of what need in my life am I truly trying to fulfil. Many times so-called plutonic friendships begin because one person or both are not getting one or more basic needs met by their spouse. For example; 1) she needs affection 2)he does not need sex what he needs is sexual fulfillment 3)she needs conversation 4)he needs recreational companionship 5)you both need honesty 6)he needs an attractive/healthy wife 7)she needs financial support 8)he needs peace and quiet at home; domestic support 9)she needs him to be a good father; family commitment and finally 10)he needs her to be proud of him;admiration. It is my confirmed belief that if MARRIED couples practice and make successful these principles and let the peace of GOD which passes all understanding keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus…any person that you bring into the marital union will be sanctioned by the other.
Of course!You can kick it with a guy/girl just like you’re kickin’ it with your homeboys/girls. Just know your boundaries, limits, and restrictions. If you or he is involved and you have a male/female friend whose friendship you value, then make it known to your spouse, introduce them, and let them talk a little bit. The more you don’t expose, the more suspicious your spouse is going to become. If you feel in any way attracted to this friend of yours and the feeling is mutual, then technically when a spouse is present, normally, they’re going to feel threatened or uapproving of the relationship, but if not, you’re actually more than friends anyway.
no,no,no, but i would have to say you truly cant tell them secrets or talk to them about the problems you are having with your mate that is always a problem especially if you dont know this person has eyes for you. that phone thing has always been a problem for me always talking about she is just a friend and soon as we go our seperate ways then thats your girl I JUST DONT TRUST THAT ITS A REAL TOUCHY SITUTATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think that men and women cannot be friends coz thats how feelings really develop for each other. We Ladies are very vulnerable and the more tym u spend with a guy then the greater are the chances of u starting to fall for that person. If u spend a lot of tym with someone of the opposite sex, feelings will just start to grow and they are inevitable and we are all so different and you’ll start finding qualities that u like in that person that maybe your partner lacks.
We can be friends with pple of the opposite sex but we have to have boundaries, like u dont really have to open up to them a lot coz vulnerability is likely to creep in.
As for the question posed by Kit, I do not see how unmarried singles could be friends.
I was friends with a guy for like a yr when I was in college. Everyone thought we were dating or were intimate because we literally spent all our time together. He never told me or acted like he was interested in me. As a matter of fact, several months prior to this one situation he was involved with one of my good friends. But so the situation. I was moving out of my dorm and he was helping me. I don’t remember the specifics of how it happened, but for about 2 seconds I felt him rub across my butt after I bent over to pick something up. We didn’t really talk about it and needless to say our relationship was never the same. That moment really opened my eyes up to the fact that you never know what people are thinking. I 100% considered him to be a friend, but clearly he felt more for me.
I have a few male friends right now. Two of them I’ve been knowing for about 12 years. Before I got married I was in on and off relationships with both of them (not at the same time), but we agreed that we were much better friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. My last male friend I’ve been knowing for about 16 years. We basically grew up together. His mom is like my 2nd mom and my dad loved him and his siblings like they were his own. My husband was a little insecure at first, but once he met them he started to hang out with them more than I did.
The only stipulation I have regarding opposite sex friendships is the “no alone time” rule. I don’t have a problem with my husband having female friends, but I do not want him going to her house by himself or without her “other” being there. And I provide him the same courtesy. Even if wasn’t a “rule” I still wouldn’t feel comfortable with being in the house alone with a male. When I was single I didn’t see a problem with it, but being married definitely makes you change some things or at least it should. And also the “no calling late” rule. I don’t feel that you should call anyone late, but especially someone of the opposite sex.
Other than these rules I think that friendships of the opposite sex can work. Still not sure about if either party is single though. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it. But with my husband all of our friends are involved so that aspect isn’t brought into the equation. I still think you should keep your eyes open though. Just cause you feel like this person is a friend doesn’t mean they share your intentions.
im going to say no, absolutely not. i have never seen/heard it done. my husband, even as loving and godly as he is, is still a man and a woman is still a woman. putting those 2 together no matter what the scene, script, or time will foster natural God-made chemistry. with me being real, i get turned on just listening to a male voice. the only opposite sex friends we have are ones we share as a couple and only seen in group settings.
This is simple - No! Married men and/or women should not have friends of their own of the opposite sex. If he does has friends of the opposite sex, will he be comfortable if you have friends of your own of the opposite sex? My thing is - don’t do the things you would not want your spouse to do to you……your spouse is your best friend, your lover, your adviser, and your mate for life.
ALL my friends were of the opposite sex before I got married. I could count on one hand the number of female friends I had. I was a basketball player and in the military, both very male oriented demographics, so it was a whole lot easier to enjoy male company.
The only reason I succeeded in remaining platonic with all my male friends when I was single was because I was saved, and I knew if I put myself in the position (no pun intended), it was a recipe for disaster if my intention was to remain celibate before I got married.
I’m not saying this is true for everyone, but for me, when I was single, there was always a question in the back of my mind: “Is this THE one?” My male friends were a catalog of what I may or may not want in a husband.
So when I got married, I threw the catalog away, for lack of better terms. Fast forward four years, and once again, I have plenty of male friends…but my husband is also friends with them, and 90% of them are married themselves. The longest amount of time I spend with them is the amount of time it would take them to pick me up from work and take me home or to church.
Not that there is a propensity for temptation to arise, but I don’t ever want to compromise my marriage or anyone else’s for that matter with the lens of suspicion. It’s just not worth it.
Do you guys think that its okay if a single man and woman in a relationship have friends of the opposite sex that they talk to just as much as they talk to their significant other?
I am having an issue with my husband about this….he had female friends before we got married and I am fine with him remaining friends with them, but he just moved here and just started a new job. In one week he already gave a girl at his job his cell number. He told me he gave it to her incase she needed a ride since she doesn’t have a car, but she has already texted him to see what he was doing. For example, she texted him last night and he did not reply so she texted him again 2 hours later. I don’t really care if he has female friends, but I think they should remain only at the job…there is no need for him to talk or text them…am I wrong??
@ sunshine
I think it’s all in what you define for your marrigae as right or wrong. If you’re uncomfortable with it, then your husband should respect the boundaries YOU–as his wife–place on that kind of thing. Now, if you’re trippin, insecure and have trust issues, that’s one thing. However, if you’re fiercely protective of your marriage and the emotional investment you’ve made, that’s another. If you’re in the latter category, I don’t see any issue with what you’re saying. If you’re in the former category, just check yourself to ensure you’re not trying to be too controlling over who your husband can and can’t talk to. That’s my 2 cents worth.
Hi Sunshine. I honestly feel that it is inappropriate for another woman to be texting your husband casually, as if its ok for her to know what a married man is doing at ANY point in time unless he’s married to her…which he clearly isn’t. That is a perfect gateway for things to either shift into the “we are just friends….” zone. If that “friendship” grows into a monster then its gonna be a bad situation. You have first priority in the covenant relationship that u have entered in with your husband and hes off limits “friend-wise” to other women who you feel uncomfortable with-and vice versa. PERIOD. You have to guard your marriage and protect it with whatever it takes because everyone does not respect your covenant the same as you and your husband do….
Hi Missy,
I truly feel that when two people are involved in a relationship that they have to prioritize. When you choose someone to be a significant other, the whole point is giving them a SIGNIFICANT role in comparison to the roles others play in one’s life. The problem when the significant other is given that title without the full privileges that come with it.
@sunshine: If you’re fine with your man having female friends, then you need to expect that there will be some phone conversations with women.
The only thing that I would take issue with is her text trying to check him when he didn’t respond to her previous one. I’m married and I feel the only person that has the permission to check me is my husband. Not my friends, male or female. Not my momma, nobody else. Because there is no one else that I am accountable to besides him.
You need to tell him that you are uncomfortable with knowing that he talks on the phone with this female and especially that she feels comfortable enough with him to question him on his whereabouts.
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