Guest Post: Moving Down South For Better Relationship Options

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on October 10th, 2008 | 14 comments

Another good post from the folks at TheStateof.com

In the past ten years, I’ve (J) had a lot of female friends move to Atlanta from other big cities like L.A., NYC and Chicago with the express purpose of finding a man to marry. The thinking goes that, per capita, ATL has many more marriage eligible men than any other American city. Several of them have been successful; other haven’t. One sista told me that in Los Angeles, she just didn’t feel “valued” as a black woman because the black men in L.A. appeared to prefer latinas or white women.

BMWK do you know anyone that’s followed this path? Are there more men in Atlanta in specific and the south in general. Do they treat women better there? West coast ladies is the above statement true about how black men act on the left coast?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (14)

savvy Friday - 10 / 10 / 2008 Reply

I think the grass is always greener on the other side because the women in ATL are always complaining how the men here are either dogs or on the DL. It's a common complaint that there are no 'good men' here. I think that geography may have something to do with finding 'the only' but I find that the issue is more than likely the individual, not the locale. That said, I do think southerners are more gentlemanly BUT a lot of the folks in ATL are transplants. I lived on the west coast (Bay Area) for a few years and while I agree with your LA friend that there was a great number of black men who preferred 'check others', I never had a problem with a lack of eligible men.
Nicole Friday - 10 / 10 / 2008 Reply

I wouldn't move there with hopes to find a husband. ATL has a lot of men, but a lot of them are gay too. That's the down low capitol. Also, my sister has lived there for almost 20 years and she states that the men know that there are more woman than and men and use it to their advantage. I had a guy tell me that too. I personally don't like Atlanta. It's okay to visit, but live there, no thanks.
Ruby128 Friday - 10 / 10 / 2008 Reply

What!? That's one of the craziest things i've heard. First off, you don't move to another city just to find a mate - you never look - he/she will come to you when the time is right for both of you. Now as for ATL, there's a whole lot going in the ATL and it can be a very good place for our people career wise, but folks have been moving to ATL like its the promise land for years only to learn - it ain't always what it seems. Some people look at ATL as being a mix betweeen the city life and the southern life - the best of both worlds kinda thing. A city like ATL offers many arts/theaters, good restaurants, etc..and also has a lot of history and certain neighborhoods are up and coming. I can also understand this woman's delima, as I do agree that there are better places for single people to live than other places (as with anything else). And yes LA is a totally different ballgame because sometimes you do have to have that certain "look" and a certain status and sometimes its also about who you know to even be thought about being looked at, all of which is completely superficial. I'm not sure there is a best place for the black woman value, but if it was as easy as moving to another city - this topic wouldn't even be discussed because all the black women would be too busy packing :)
tina Friday - 10 / 10 / 2008 Reply

Heh. My husband left Atlanta to come back up here to find his wife (me) because he wanted someone with the same values as him and who wasn't ghetto fabulous or materialistic or stuck on herself. The good men are out there no matter where you are, you just have to not pass him up when you find him. I see that happen all too often. tinas last blog post..Sick
T. Rogers Friday - 10 / 10 / 2008 Reply

"And yes LA is a totally different ballgame because sometimes you do have to have that certain “look” and a certain status and sometimes its also about who you know to even be thought about being looked at, all of which is completely superficial." Sounds to me like you just Los Angeles AND Atlanta. I am from L.A., born and raised. What was my first impression of Atlanta on my first visit back in 2004? It reminded me of Los Angeles. Not only did it have some of the showboating and materialism that people associate with Southern Cali, it also laid out in a similar way. It is also full of transplants, just like L.A. And like L.A. it has a lot of transplants who swear their hometown is better, but they still stay. Don't get me wrong. I am not knocking Atlanta. People just have to stop acting like it is black wonderland. I had those same fantasies until I took my first trip. I thought it was a great city, but it just is not for me. Oh, and I am a black man. I am married to a black woman, and she is highly valued! Some her own stereotypes may be standing in her way to a good relationship.
Huemanity Friday - 10 / 10 / 2008 Reply

I live in LA and there seems to be a shortage of good men AND WOMEN here to marry. Please keep in mind that "educated" does not mean good. Neither does "successful", "independent", and "strong". I think a lot of black women think there are no good men out there because they are perpetually attracted to men that eventually screw them over. Also, many black women think that their blackness alone qualifies them for marriage to another black man. Black men certainly do not feel that they have to pick a black woman to marry, just a woman. So black women need to start putting their womanhood ahead of their race. That doesn't mean just dating interracially, it means not just assuming that because you are a black woman a black man is supposed to want you. I've never lived in Atlanta but I have visited and sorry, the majority of black men and women out there think they are god's gift to the black community. All style and no substance. I'd rather live in a non-black "mecca" and just be a good example of a black family than to run to some hot spot like the ATL and have to deal with some of those folks. Los Angeles is OK if you already have a mate because there's lots to do as far as date night go. But if you are looking for someone, you should be college-aged or younger because those seem to be the only black folks who are single with any sense. I met my husband in NYC but he was raised in Delaware (small town guy, good values). I used to date a guy from upstate NY(again small town, good values). Big city men, like big city women, tend to live in a fairytale as far as relationships go. Just my two cents. Huemanitys last blog post..Good Snack Foods: Popcorn
Anna Friday - 10 / 10 / 2008 Reply

Being from Ohio and visiting Atlanta it's a whole new world. In my state we have so many ragidy(sp) cars broke down on the highway. Cars that are so loud becasue the mufflers fell off yrs ago. When I went to Atl. I never saw any ragidy or broke down cars and I saw so many Benz's and Lexus's. There was not a corner store or fast food resturant where I was at. You literally have to get in your car for the nearest corner store. It is very fast paced and my Ohio heart can't take the stress and the traffic. My daughters want to move to Atlanta after they get their degrees. I have always told them to take their own husbands. Most of the ppl there were not born there but migrated there like New York. My perception of Atlanta is what I read and hear about. The Aids rate per capita is the highest. There are many Gay, Bi and DL men. Yes it is the state for blacks with business skills and a dream. The homes are so beautiful. I can say while online I watched the season opener on Bravo with the Woman of Atlanta, housewives, I don't remember the name of the show but the women I am sure are not representive of the real woman that live there. These woman were so materialistic, One does not have a job but has a chef, nanny, governess, maid and a planner or something. If you don't have a job you have all the time in the world to cook clean and tend to your own children, but they would rather shop and eat at over priced resturants. I take pride in knowing I have to dye my roots because I didn't pay someone to do my job of raising my kids. I earned my grey hair the old fashion way, raising my kids and my hubby is salt and pepper because of them also. LOL. (why is it a salt and pepper man is sexy but we woman are not due the same naturalness)? Not sure if "naturalness" is a word but I worked hard all week and our Presient can make up words, why can't I? LOL.
Anonymous Saturday - 11 / 10 / 2008 Reply

Anna what in the world are you talking about.You have earned your gray hair and memory loss too.That was much ado about nothing.
Anna Saturday - 11 / 10 / 2008 Reply

Anonymous said: Anna what in the world are you talking about.You have earned your gray hair and memory loss too.That was much ado about nothing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just goes to show how boring I am and my living in Ohio is. I like safe and slow paced. My kids have always had a full social calander then me. I am a cancer but not crabby, just by nature a home body. I see and talk to ppl every day and when I come home I don't want a knock on the door (unless I know you) nor for my home phone to ring. Excitement to me is waking up and knowing the water is on and the gas and lights and mtg. is paid. On the record I am a mixed chid and I have had grey hair pre kids. Being a parent is not easy but I love the return investment. Now the investment in my IRA is another thing. I am use to chatting, commeting in a parenting room, we talk about kids, grey hair and the challeges we wake up to each day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` "That was much ado about nothing". It means something to me. I am just glad that you took the time to read my comment. Some ppl online can be rude and some can pour their heart out. I have ppl all day at work who pour their heart out about their circumstances and I come home from work and realize how blessed I am. I know ppl getting a divorce due to the economy and arguing about "this presidential election". Monday is Presidents Day and Obama will be in my city once again. I don't seek change in my life that I consider boring but safe. I do want change for all Americans to do what suits them. Again, thank you for responding to my comment. I am not a Up Town girl but a Midwest girl who appeciates her "comfort zone" beit work or home. I am a what you see is what you get. I do like and have diamonds, pearls and Creme of Nature hair dye. LOL. My hubby may not go to Jareds for my jewels but I go to the Chinese store for my hair dye. I hope everyone has a great weekend. I am out to visit my dad who is in the hospital.
Anna Saturday - 11 / 10 / 2008 Reply

*correction. Monday is Columbus Day. Even if it were "Presidents Day" it is still a day I don't get off work with pay. The man I work for celebrates "Ash Wednseday" Palm Sunday, but never ever has he let me not work and attend events (and there are many in my neighborhood) for MLK day. "You take the good you take the bad". I am just glad that I got to see my daddy. Me and my hubby were at the hospital for 3 hours. My dad is the only parent I have left. My hubby has 2 parents who celebrated 50 yrs. of marriage last month. For a day off with or without pay to see Obama-priceless.
mrentertainment Sunday - 12 / 10 / 2008 Reply

ITS A KNOWN FACT THAT THE MEN TO WOMEN RATIO IS 16-1..SO EVERY MAN HAS 16 WOMAN TO PICK FROM..THE CHANCES OF WOMEN MOVING THERE TO FIND LOVE IS A LONGSHOT AND IF THEY DID WHAT THE CHANCE THE MAN WOULD BE FAITHFUL...I KNEW A WOMAN THAT MOVED TO ATL WITH HER HUSBAND THEY HAD BEEN TOGETHER FOR 5-6 YEARS AND WHEN THEY MOVED TO THE ATL THEY WERE DIVORCED AFTER ONE YEAR..
Tonya Tunez Sunday - 12 / 10 / 2008 Reply

My husband lived in ATL before moving to Houston where we currently live. I'm not sure why women say there are no good men in ATL because he's the cream of the crop. I was amazed that he wasn't seeing anyone in ATL. I've heard similar stories about both ATL men and women. I've heard people say ATL women are either ghetto, materialistic, crazy, too aggressive or too easy. I've heard women say the men are dogs, gay, downlow, uneducated, or don't make enough money. I think it just depends on who you ask. I personally would not have relocated to ATL for the sole purpose of finding a husband. Good men are all around us. You just have to be ready when he comes.
lisa s Wednesday - 15 / 10 / 2008 Reply

I met my husband in ATL, where we both live now. I had only been here a year, while he was brand spanking new to the "A". I believe it is true what they say regarding the brothers here having their choice of women. My hubby fought the feelings for a while as he came to ATL to enjoy the smorgasbord of women. After he realized he might lose a good woman, he decided to settle down. Wherever you may be you have to find someone who has good values and is not caught up in things and bling. Oh, I'm a regular sista and nowhere close to the "Real Housewives of ATL". We can't afford a nanny, nor a household staff, and I only go to Phipps Plaza when out-of-towners visit and want to browse. I just want to get the mortgage paid and have the day care fees in on time!
Faith Wednesday - 15 / 10 / 2008 Reply

I think no matter where you live if you are a Black woman looking to get married you should not focus on finding a Black man but a QUALITY man of any background. Of course you also need to be a quality woman, but I wouldn't move to another city in the hopes of meeting a guy. That's magical thinking. Esp. if you've spent time building up a career and have settled somewhere. I think it's far easier to go outside your comfort zone, take up different hobbies and activities and be more socially active. Being happy is a great draw. Have your married friends introduce you to a single co-worker or associate. Be available to create opportunities when you see men in passing. Date more - it's just getting to know someone. Have some boundaries and don't be desperate.