New Feature: BMWK’s Great Debaters – Is There a Divide Between Black Men and Women?

Comments (3)

1. 

   Huemanity Wednesday - 22 / 10 / 2008 Reply

   This "battle of the sexes" is not just occurring in the black community. Men and women of all races in the Western world are dealing with these types of issues but like with anything else, it hit the black community first and the hardest. There are many reasons why there is a perceived divide amongst the sexes. The rise of feminism and the socio-political gains women have made in the past fifty years has greatly shifted the need and purpose of relationships. We are much more likely to pick a mate to fulfill us and "match" us as opposed to someone who compliments us and supports us financially. In reality most women do not "need" a man to sustain a certain standard of living, so they are looking for a man who is going to appreciate them outside of just their appearance and ability to raise children. But at the end of the day, nature trumps nurture and a man is still going to seek out a mate that he finds attractive and who he thinks will make the best offspring and will raise them to his standards. It may sound antiquated but I still think it's the case. This shift in priority has caused a lot of tension between men and women. Most men still see themselves in the traditional role of provider. These men may be more sensitive to women's issues via education and media, but they still see their role in a relationship as one of protector and provider. This does not mean they aren't open to dating a woman who is successful, but they still see THEIR PURPOSE AS PROVIDING/PROTECTING. Many modern women see themselves as equal to men and their accomplishments and success should be weighed just as equally as the man's. But like I said earlier, men are not looking for a breadwinner, they are typically looking for a breadmaker. Again, not trying to sound archaic and paternalistic, but at the end of the day he does not want to compete with his partner. He competes with other men (and women!) all day long. For black relationships, our problems are compounded by our status in Western society. With so many black men getting caught up in the racist criminal justice system, this takes away their ability (for the most part) to ever become sufficient providers/protectors. You cannot provide for a family if you are severely limited in your employment options. You cannot protect your family if you have a record and fear any interaction with law enforcement. All these things have contributed to the out-of-wedlock births and instability of black relationships. When you take away a man's ability to provide, you are also taking away a woman's husband and a child's father. We cannot underestimate the role of the criminal justice system in the destruction of the black family. Many sisters are frustrated, understandably. They feel like brothers just aren't willing to step up and those that are successful are choosing to date out (or being chosen by "outsiders", depending on how you see it). I still think that at our core, black men and women want to be together and raise solid families but like every other community, we are heavily influenced by outside forces. I think the conversation has to go much deeper than "n*ggas ain't shit" and "all black women have attitudes" because both sides have a poor reputation in the world and neither one is "better" than the other. The only leg-up black men have on black women is that physically black men fall closer to the ideal for a man (tall, dark, handsome) while black women tend to fall the furthest away from the ideal for a woman (slim, lithe, soft-spoken, fair complexion). So black men do have a leg up when it comes to finding a mate because a)men can look like crap and still find a mate because their looks are not seen as a barrier to their role as provider/protector and b)women of other races tend to be more forward in their desire do date them. LOL, I just realized I wrote an entire essay. But yeah, both sides need to just go back to basics. Huemanitys last blog post..Fun in the Sun (and water)
2. 

   Anonymous Thursday - 23 / 10 / 2008 Reply

   Dear Folks, Is there a divide? What a question. That makes as much sense as "Does racism still exist in America?" Of course, don't take my word for it. Black magazines, black radio, and black tv keep confirming that the percentage of white americans who are single is around 30% while in black america the rate is 70%plus !!!!! And lets not waste time talking about brothers in jail, gay, etc. Educated and gainfully employed black men and women and not doing any better than their brothers and sisters in the 'hood. In fact, we are doing worse because as educated, black, and gainfully employed, we should know better. We should be setting an example for the rest of black america. And...at the risk of offending readers, given the arrogance of so, so many church folk, we should be walking on water. We...know why we are so divided. The problem is that too many black men and women won't let go of their "game". And for those of us who still want to pretend, the game is "it's all about me". Good luck.
3. 

   kim h20s Thursday - 23 / 10 / 2008 Reply

   i think that a large part of this has to do with our attitudes towards what one can and can't do in a marriage. i am getting married for the first time at 37. i have no children, because i wanted to be married before having kids. i knew that i couldn't raise a child in my own, despite the fact i am educated, financially stable, and have a strong family. i just knew that i would need my husband to be with me to raise a child. it is surprising how many women (at all levels) said that I was foolish. They said that I shouldn't wait, but I knew that I am one black woman looking for one black man. I knew he would find me (and he has!!!). I listened to a young sista (23) with a young child say all the things she wanted to do before she got married - like finish grad school (understandable), travel and buy a house (aren't those things that would be better done while married??) i've heard brothers and sistas say that once the ring goes on the other person stops taking care of themselves. once we got engaged, we both started 'stepping up our game FOR EACH OTHER'. i wouldn't wear nice lingerie for some random brother, but i'll buy-out victoria secret for my husband.