In Response To: (Why) Do (Some) Black Women Love Thugs!?!?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on November 1st, 2008 | 10 comments

We still get comments on one of our older and more popular posts entitled: (Why) Do (Some) Black Women Love Thugs!?!?. If you haven’t checked it out yet make sure you do. Recently a yound cat came by and dropped a comment and then one of our regular readers dropped some knowledge and good advice back at him. Check it out below:

Brandon said:

Im a young black man 19 years of age fly as can be but i have had bad experiences with most black girls because im to nice and respectful hell i was raise with manners and i finally understand why i cant attract black females as friends or girl friends is because i dont act like a hood ass nigga thats why i refuse to approach any more black females unless they come talk to me there will be no conversation period.

T. Rogers said:

@Brandon,

That is the wrong approach, bro. My brother is 20. He complains about the same thing. He told me he does not think it pays to be a nice guy with most black girls. He says most do not show him any respect. Whereas women of other ethnicities respond well to his approach. My advice to you is the same I gave him.

1) Don’t change who you are. Don’t start being hard on women because it seems that is all they will understand. Don’t let other people change you.

2) Keep giving the sisters a chance. That is what my stepfather told me. I took his advice and am now married to a wonderful sister.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

T. Rogers gave some good advice. I definitely think you’ve gotta keep being you and once you start shutting people out for things other people have done in the past that’s when you’re going to miss out. Ladies this goes for you too, don’t beat the new guy in your life up and make him jump through hoops because the last guy was a dog and a clown.
http://ltsjazzyradio.blogspot.com/ LT

Interesting and timely topic.

I think there is a difference between “Thug-hood” and “Man-hood.”

Many young African-American young women, especially those in their teens, 20s and 30s, get the two confused way to much. I think many do not even know the difference.

Maybe it is because they see more examples of thug-hood than man-hood in their immediate circles, neighborhoods, etc. The Media, Radio, TV, Cable, Movies, Magazines, Video Music Shows, etc. do not help so those executives that own these entities share some of the blame.

Once again, the age groups that I find that have the most trouble with this issue are young black women compared to older, more experienced black women who know the difference. A lot of it is pure under exposure and that they just have never seen good black men going generations back that were excellent role models so they are basing their views on what they see around them.

I think it is up to all us “good black men” to continue to be ourselves and be that shining example to ourselves and to our communities to help counter these negative beliefs and perceptions.

~LT

LTs last blog post..BLACK ENTERPRISE BUSINESS REPORT TELLS THE TRUTH ON TAXES
Anna

We have to look at what is or is not in the household. Most girls/young woman only know what they see. There are too many households with moms bf/husband in and out of jail. Selling drugs, being a bum and disrespecting these young womens’ mom. Some young woman think it’s cool to be with the thug. Some young woman are not taught to respect themselves or to value their worth. I was talking to my 19 yr. old daugter, first she said she did not know why girls date thugs. I had to pry an answer out of her which is “They are entertaining”. My thought of her answer is that some girls just like choas and don’t realize it is not ok to be disrespected. The big issue is that we have babies raising babies who were not raised themselves. We have have young men thinking it is cool and ok to make babies and not take care of them. Last time I checked “woman don’t get pregnat by themselves.
http://youngmel.blogspot.com Jamel

I don’t think this problem has much of anything to do with thugs or anything. It simple rules of engagement. When you first meet someone, or are interested in them, you can’t be overly nice to them simply put. It’s a process to seducing/courting women and vice versa. I learned this the hard way. I was making his mistake giving women too much when it wasn’t the time. You have to be able to capture someone’s interest, and the more they get addicted to you, then they will be more receptive and appreciative of your gestures. If they just met you and you’re buying flowers, quite frankly, you’re gonna appear as a loser.

Jamels last blog post..The Appreciative Legacy
http://keepittrill.blogspot.com Kit (Keep It Trill)

Oh, I don’t know if this is a race specific problem. America has had a love with both bad guys a super-hero types for a long time. What they each share in common is a strong masculine presence.

Kit (Keep It Trill)s last blog post..Pre-Election Anticipation: We’re Riding On The Backs Of Misery & Struggle
http://blkav8tor2003.blogspot.com/ BlkAv8tor2003

Brandon,

As a well, world traveled brotha this is a subject that comes up at my cigarshop in Phoenix almost daily. I chill with several professional brothas from the corporate world, medical, education, finacial, architectural and aviation to name a few. We hang pretty tight, from renting limos so know one has to drive and drink, smoking cigars, going to different events around the city, state and the region. We have a few sistas come through from time to time and they are blown away by our topics of conversation, the depth of it, manners that we have, education and even the way we speak and also because of the way we hang we together. Here there are younger and some older women would like a thugged out brothas! Mind you they want to hang with us and we are into a little of everything, from team jerseys to khakis and polo shirts. Many of the women say that when a woman is in “play mode” she wants that thug for the excitement factor (which)is crap but anyway and a nice guy when she is ready to settle down. Problem is that good, (nice) brothas are not waiting around for sistas to finish playing with the thug/gangsta brotha till their credit is screwed up, baby has been had or money is gone. Go and find a woman that you like that’s not caught up in that type of brotha and maybe expand your area of searching. Look in the grocery store, book store and coffee shop…how many thug style brothas do you see chillin’ at Starbucks drinking “Grande Mocha frappuccino. Expand your horizons and look everywhere, remember women are everywhere and being nerdish or square is cool when you go for a job interview, trying to get a loan!

Don’t get me wrong I love my sistas but they can drive you to drink just like brothas do some sistas!!!

Keep looking and stay positive bro, she will come one day!!!

blkav8tor2003

BlkAv8tor2003s last blog post..Inspections show inaccurate airline luggage scales may cost travelers money
http://blkav8tor2003.blogspot.com/ BlkAv8tor2003

YES!!! Until things go bad and then they go find a good guy and dump all their previous drama on him! Kids, bad credit and bad financial and bad attitude…more than what most brothas are being raised to deal with from a mother or sisters.

BlkAv8tor2003s last blog post..Inspections show inaccurate airline luggage scales may cost travelers money
Clair

I wonder what kind of girls/women you are approaching?? My friends and I would not give thugs the time of day. We prefer intellectual men who can charm us on with a stimulating conversation.

My suggestion would be to move on to a better quality of women. If a girl/woman wants a thug then she is probably his counterpart. Intelligent and educated women prefer the same. Good Luck.
Ebony

I would have to agree with Clair.

Why are you men/boys approaching this type of woman. My sisters, friends, and my stay at home moms group, and myself – never have and never would date a ‘thug’.
If a ‘thug’ ever approached one of us .. he was immediately shut down. We are all intelligent and educated african american women, with all but the exception of two married to wonderful black men who never acted so ignorant.
Stop hanging at the club or on the block and maybe go somewhere like museums, art festivals, coffee shops, etc .. basically grown locations
good luck
Anonymous

Dear Folks,

Enough of this pre-occupation with bad boys. Bad boys are not exciting, irresistible, or the spice of life.

Bad boys mess up people’s lives by having babies and not paying child support. They pass on sexual diseases. Many bad boys are on the “down low”. At best, sistah’s throw away opportunities to be with a together brotha’ by wasting time running with bad boy’s.

Of course fair is fair. Every sistah has the right to do as she pleases.

So…having said that, it is just as fair for an educated professional brotha’ to refuse to take seriously those sistah’s with young children and no father.

And…as regards the over 40 sistah’ who has everything, but for some reason swears she does not know why he has never been married…no comment.

So you see, instead of giving all this air time to bad boys and bad girls, you need to focus on staying away from these folks. All they are good for is messing up their lives and yours.