Guest Post: Are Black Fathers Really That Rare?!?
Today we have a guest post by friend of the blog Avg. Bro. It’s been a while since he’s provided the good word so please check out this good post and show him some love by checking out his blog at www.averagebro.com.
With the new baby settling in, I find myself taking AverageToddler out for some one-on-one Daddy & Me time even more frequently now than ever before. Again, this isn’t anything new, we’ve always hit the park and playground sans Mommy, but now I find myself taking him virtually everywhere I go, even for routine trips to Home Depot and the grocery store. And no matter where we go together, the same thing inevitably happens.
Someone will size the two of us up from afar, and faster than I can say “you ARE the father!”, they’ll roll up and drop a familiar compliment on me.
“You’re doing such a great job!”
“There need to be more of ya’ll.”
“I’m so glad to see a young man taking care of his kids.”
The list goes on and on, but at the root seems to be the feeling that a black man taking care of his kids is such a rare occurrence (like I’m some Negro Leprechaun or something) that it deserves public acknowledgement.
I know my son is cute.[1] He’s got chubby Gerber baby cheeks, wide eyes, and a welcoming smile. This undoubtedly catches the eye of others. He’s also a natural ham, so when he senses someone looking, he turns on the star power. And I’m also relatively affectionate with my two year old. I hold his hand, sometimes carry, and frequently hug him. I don’t hold back in that area. He’s my boy, he’s even got my name. I love both of my sons. They, and my wife, are essentially what I live for.
Still, the most that people observe is 5-10 seconds of us in a checkout line, which says there’s prolly nothing special about our interaction. It’s the mere fact that we’re together and they happen to catch us in a moment when I’m not having to correct him for something, which seems to happen more than even now that he’s two. To lots of people (seriously, this happens every time we go out, it’s almost comical) the mere fact that I’m with my kid is somehow enough to deem me worthy of praise.
I have admittedly mixed feelings on this. Yes, I feel like I’m a semi-good Dad.[2] I have my moments where the kids get on my nerves, but I love them of course and try to do my best to raise them the right way. But I don’t consider anything I do to be worthy of superlatives. I don’t consider any of these compliments patronizing, nor do I consider them even remotely racist. I get them, usually from women, of all ages and races. The black women often make a point of noting how good it is to see a young black man taking care of his kid, but the props are usually universally the same: you’re doing a great job by merely showing up.
Some of me wonders if this is just a reflection of the times. Most of the men that I know, black or otherwise, take care of their biz and are good fathers. But I’m smart enough to know my circle of friends doesn’t represent all black Dads. Still, should a person get credit for something they’re supposed to do?
Oddly enough, and yeah, I know I’m contradicting myself here, I find myself giving other black Dads I see out with their kids solo a nod of acknowledgement that prolly conveys the same message. And while I will admit a small part of me smiles inside when I see a nuclear black family out in public, I never have gotten a single compliment when I’ve been out with AverageSis and the kids. So, it seems like the whole thing is tied directly to the feeling that a black man out by himself taking his kids out by himself is so rare and unique, it has to be acknowledged.
I’m clearly not offended by the compliments, but I will admit I don’t know how to otherwise feel about them. What do ya’ll think? Is it really that bad out there?
Question: If you’re a black father, do you have similar experiences when you take your kids out by yourself? If you’re a white dad, does this happen to you to? How does it make you feel? What does my recurring experience say about the state of Black fatherhood?
[1] And no, that’s not me in the photo above.
[2] Or a Semi-Good Husband. Please tell me ya’ll remember who said this.
(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
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Mrs D. could probably tell you my weak areas when it comes to being a father. The word on the street is that we black men don’t take care of our kids. I can’t say I have that experience and maybe because it is rare that I go out alone with my kids much. Most of the time the mrs. is with us. I think people don’t expect to see a black family together so that may be a surpise to some just like a black man with his kids is probably a surprise. Keep up the good work.
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Sometimes I may get a look that says that but no one has ever approached me and mentioned anything.
I have the same experiences. My 4 year old daughter is beautiful and my 2 year old son is a fathers dream! Thus, when ever I’m out in public with them people stop and say things like, “I;m proud of you, I’m glad they know you, Oh look at the babies with Daddy.” It shocks me to see people react to a father walking with his kids…
Whenever I see a man out with his kids I can say I do sterotype and assume it’s his weekend with the kids. He could be a single dad or giving mom a break. What ever the circumstances It is a joy to see.
I guess its because you don’t see/hear of the “GOOD STUFF” very often. Its sad, really.
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Black Fathers are not rare at all…however the issue is that the “good” black fathers are over shadowed by the trifling no-good fathers so in that sense it does seem rare. So its refresing to see a father enjoy being with his kids and taking care of them - we need to praise that more often, but at the same time that’s what a parent is suppose to do and that’s where the “good father’s” shock comes from. All of which is a sad reality, but to all the good fathers and good men - keep doing what you’re doing!
@Anna - come on break the stereotype
@Ruby128 - Good point
Thanks for the responses here.
After reading over the comments on my site, I’m puzzled. Many seem to think this happens because black dads are so rare. But nobody seems to have much evidence of the theory that they’re rare. Are they really rare or are we just feeding into the very same stereotypes we hate so much? Go figure.
I dunno, I still feel kinda silly for getting credit for something I’d do anyway.
AverageBros last blog post..Why Can’t Black Folks Take A (Slightly Racist) Joke?!?
I don’t think it’s as rare as people make it seem, but it’s always nice to see. What’s sad is when people have negative things to say about something so beautiful. For example, I had to work one day so my husband was like he’ll take the kids to their doctor appointment. So while he’s out with them they walk pass this group of guys and one of them are like,” What’s this dude doing, trying to get the Father of The Year Award.” My husband just turned around and shook his head at the dude cause, what more can you do when that happens. It’s best to just ignore such fuckery. Also, I know a guy who loves nothing more than to be with his daughter. Unfortunately, because he is no longer in a relationship with the mom she makes it harder for him to spend time with her. That just doesn’t make any sense to me. I could understand if he was a bad influence, but he’s a good dude.
the way i see it is that black women or i should say a lot of black women love the THUG TYPE of brother meaning he’s staying home with his mother, he smokes blunts, he wears his pants below his butt, he wears earrings, rags on his head, gold in his mouth, she sleeps with him becomes pregnant and brings a child into this world and the first thing she does is go on OPRAH and they talk about how bad black men are. if you lay down with a thug he’s not suddenly going to become BILL COSBY when the child is born!! MAKE BETTER CHOICES!!!!
I don’t think it’s rare at all. I have been a single father for 17 yrs and I know many many other great fathers as well. I ‘m actually proud of Black men and have been for a long time. There are just as many good fathers as bad fathers. But we only hear about the bad ones. The good men are overlooked every time.
As black men we are victims of stereotypes. And if you really look it, black women rarely give black men any credit. I personally believe that if she does, than she has to face her issues of making bad decisions and picking the wrong men. If a woman has two or more kids from dead beat fathers it’s her fault as well. That mean is she’s looking for the wrong qualities.
I am kind of torn on this one. I know exactly what average bro is speaking of. While I have never gotten the kind of comment he received I do get LOTS of attention when I am out with my children, my son in particular. I have literally felt like the spotlight was on me at times. In some ways it feels good. However, it sometimes feels, well, sad. I know what the looks mean.
Are black fathers being actively involved in their children’s lives a rare occurrence? No. It is the norm across the board, I don’t think so. In the neighborhood I grew up in the majority of young boys were fatherless. Having worked with so-called at risk youth in Compton, and South Central L.A. I know fatherlessness is an acute problem in lower income communities.
I do think there are some unfair stereotypes out there regarding black fathers. At the same time we must be honest with ourselves and acknowledge the reality of our communities.
TheDad (author) said:
@Anna - come on break the stereotype
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s broken. I love to read comments from men. And I being raised by a dad I just assumed the fathers taking their kids out were wifeless or without a woman to take the kids out. I love that men are being more active in their kids lives. Fathers can take their kids to anything/event/place and no matter the color will get more attention from ppl than if a woman does. When a woman has her kids and takes them out in public it is ‘wow she has 3 kids. When a man takes his kids out he is a chick magnet.(of course I am not talking about bey beys kids) Ok I give up. I am still sterotyping. @ TheDad. I will work on my sterotyping. Good looking out. It will be my “End Of The Year Resolution”.
@ Misbeehavin
“I had to work one day so my husband was like he’ll take the kids to their doctor appointment. So while he’s out with them they walk pass this group of guys and one of them are like,” What’s this dude doing, trying to get the Father of The Year Award”.
My kids gave my husband and their dad “The Father of The Year Award”.
Your husband brushed it off because it really does not matter when you are doing the right thing. It did not phase him. I can bet you one dollar that at least one of those he walked past called his child that day.
@Misbeehavin you are livin up to your name!! i have never heard the
F-word used in such a way. i am going to try it out on my co-workers. i just got to find the right sentence to put it in. i am laughing right now at the thought.
my husband has a fourteen year old daughter, and he tried to take her to the doctor for her school checkup, and the doctor gave him a hard time, because he could not believe that a father was there instead of a mother or grandmother. the docotor said that he needed the leagl gaurdian there. luckly my husband had his custody papers with him to show that he is her caretaker and not her mother.
@ Dede, I got Fuckery from Amy Winehouse, I crack up too when I listen to her album and she says it. Im in awe right now about that story you told about your husband and the doctor situation.
As a single black female raising a young son (1 year and 1 month old) alone, with out the father being active in his life, i will say that in my neck of the woods i live near Hartford Ct and i know of more deadbeat dads than of the good ones. But i will say that there are a lot of Dads handling their responsibilities with their children, and no they do not receive enough credit. Yes being an active parent is our job so technically we shouldn’t get treated special for fulfilling our responsibilities. But in this day and age, times have changed and i believe our black men would do more and take more of an active role with the children if we gave them more credit and let them know how much we appreciate them. We shouldn’t have to praise a man for doing his job and it won’t make dads across the world rush home to tuck their little ones in but it only helps.
Our problem is there is too much attention on the dads who have left their little ones because of the damage done its hard to see the light sometimes. But to the Dads handling their bizniz, much love!
I know when i see a man with his child it gives me such a warm feeling and it is different than seeing a child with their mom. Because i’m so used to the black woman taking the responsibility on alone if the male doesn’t do his part. So i must admit that many single moms do put theirselves in situations where they make bad choices with someone unworthy of their love and attention (like myself), but….we all make mistakes…big or small…some more obveous and life altering than others. But the key is to learn something from the tragedy and not continue to bring children into the world without the full support of both parents. And stop having kids with a man who can’t support himself or the multiple children yall have together, just because you don’t want to have more than one baby dady. Buckle down and don’t have anymore children until he proves he can support himself as well as his family, otherwise stop complaining.
So good dads are not rare but the bad overshadows the good. The best we can do is continue to encourage our brothers who are stepping up to the plate and do the best you can
I believe that this is true a lot with teenage fathers. The fear of fatherhood and not wanted to accept the fact that it’s all about the baby and just plain immaturity makes it easier to stay away and not having a strong male role model. If ever there were an instance when our black men are needed, this is it.
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@AB you know I have comments on this post at your blog (please visit to view them-shamless plug for AB LOL). It has to be the area that each person lives in. And like one commenter said the circle of people you surround yourself with.
@Misbeehavin, are you serious?!?! “Father of the Year Award”?!?! He was seriously hatin’! If I could do it and I heard that comment I woulda smacked the sh*t outta him.
@ Missjay…what can I say, dude had his glass of haterade that morning,lol. But we don’t have time for that, were just gonna keep doing what we know is right.
It is a shame that as black people we don’t get the respect we all deserve. I,being a mother of five and married I get the same comments and stares because folk tell me I look like I’m fresh out of high school. We often get compliments at restaurants because the kids are well behaved. They are behaving well because they’re taught not to act otherwise. My problem with the comments directed to fathers and black families is that if people would stop assuming the worse it wouldn’t be a shock when they see that we do take care of children.
I am a black brother who believe what you put in is what you get.
I really believe in Education and believe helping my two son become an asset to our community. I make sure they respect themselves, mom individuals young and older around them but not be a push overs. I am a “proud black dad”, “proud black husband”. I will sacrifice everything for my family.
Most of my male friends around me are “Proud Black Dads”. I homeschool my sons and I work. Do I need praise “no” its my JOB to provide for my family and to Motive my family. Being a Leader for a family is not an easy role to play especially when your not making the bread you want to help your family. Yet you stick with it work harder, be their cheerleader when they are sad and down. When they need books for school or anything else you make it happend because you want more for your child and wife. To me being a proud “Black Dad/husband” means being selfless.
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