Black and Married With Kids.com – A Positive Image of Marriage and Family

The Importance Of Sex In Your Marriage: Sex In The City Edition

Relationships

by  |  on November 25th, 2008  |  31 comments

A few months back we sat down together and watched the movie, “Sex In The City”. TheDad had never watched the show while it was on TV so the characters were new to him but something in the movie sparked a debate with us and we’ve been meaning to bring it to the site to see what everyone thinks.

One of the characters (Miranda) had not had sex with her husband for something like six months and when they did perform “the duty” she asked him something to the effect of, “are you almost done”?

Later on she was out with the girls and told them about her situation thinking that this was common amongst all of them but to her disappointment that was not the case. Well to make a long story short her husband ended up cheating on her.

Now we don’t condone cheating but what we want to know is how important is sex to maintaining a happy marriage? Even if you don’t feel like it do you have a responsibility to fulfill your spouse’s needs? (Maybe not every night but six months is a bit much) Isn’t communication very, very important during this time? If you have a physical need that’s not being met after a long period of time and your spouse is aware then what do you do?


About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and their latest documentary Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.



Related Posts with Thumbnails

 
Add a comment

Comments (31)

  1. Carrie Tuesday - 25 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    I agree! Communications is key in any relationship. My Mamma always said what you did in building the relationship must be continued after you get the ring & jump the broom! I don't she was only being intimate every 6 months when they were dating? I understand why he cheated but don't condone it!
  2. ewok Tuesday - 25 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    I understand getting caught up in life and all...but most people are not really in tune with each other sexually. The woman waits for the man to make the first move..... She may really want to please her husband but she doesn't know how. i mean will layy down and be on fire for her man but has that idea in the back of theri heads that says "freak"..lol. We as black women are constantly taught to be a lady at all times and this henders a healthy sexual realtionship with your honey. Me? I jump my man's bones every time I feel like it and vice versa. We were the best of friends for years and took our realtionship to the next level. One baby girl and two years later, I still cannot get enough of him. Even if (and this is important ladies) I am tired and want to go straight to sleep, he still gets it. Understand? I am by no means a doormat, just a woman that loves her man and will do what it takes to please him and you can best believe I get it back tenfold. So, women with hang-ups, men with unrealistic expectations, and everyone with your significant others for the wrong reasons need to wake up and be happy. All of the aforementioned can make for a stale bedroom.
  3. Marcus Tuesday - 25 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    I completley agree with the above comment. What I've found from talking to friends, reading articles, and just dealing with my own marriage life. The sexual relationship, probably holds more weight on the woman than the man. I mean I got to be real...We (men) are always in an intimate mood (horny). I have more problems with my wife not understanding that. I mean I don't want her to think that I'm just obsessed with sex, but this is something that we initially started out our relationship with--a strong sexual relationship--now it's like pulling teeth trying to get some at night. I mean we may have sex once or twice a week, but I would like it to be more than that. I think it's important for women to understand that you are the ones who are at least mostly in control of this...so if your man is unhappy with his sex life, and feels that you don't do it enough, then you might have to sit down, and change some things around. Because I think I speak for all men when I say, we are always ready to go. I say that because marriage is a big step on it's own, so if you have a husband that loves you, and obviously married you for that reason, then he is happy with who you are enough to always want to make love with you. But women have this way where they push you off sexually, sometimes without really thinking about the effects of it. This could be for many reasons, you're tired, you're just not in the mood, you may not feel attractive, etc. Keep in mind he married you because he loves you, and is extremely attractive to you and only you, otherwise he would have not asked for your hand in marriage. I can't see my wife trying to be sexual with me and I'm pushing her off...If this is your issue, he may be the problem along with other problems that you don't know about. So to sum this all up bluntly...Give up the goods!! (LOL) Trust me it'll make the relationship more healthy, and pleasure is exchanged both ways, my sisters, not just for him, you're getting all of him too. You're giving him some and he's giving you some. Don't ever make your man feel that you are putting the vagina too far from his reach. Because after trying to tip-toe to get it, he may get tired and look for another that's not so hard to reach...and this is the same for women...Amen
  4. ewok Tuesday - 25 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    very well put marcus!....and amen...lol.
  5. T. Rogers Tuesday - 25 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    "Even if you don’t feel like it do you have a responsibility to fulfill your spouse’s needs?" That is a loaded question. I never want it to become a "responsibility" for me to make love to my wife. Taking out the trash is a responsibility. Paying the mortgage is a responsibility. The Mom, I know you did not mean it that way. I am just saying when making love to your spouse has been reduced to a mere responsibility, you already have a problem. Communication is extremely important. If your needs are not being met then you must address it. Also, you must understand that it is not just about your needs. If your spouse goes six months without wanting any sexual activity from you then (s)he a serious problem. And it probably has nothing to do with sex. Make sure understanding their issue(s) is just as important to you as getting some.
  6. Michelle Tuesday - 25 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    I have been married for three years and the first year our sex life was a joke. Chilvary was dead and so was my sex drive. My husband and I went to marriage bootcamp and learned that sex starts when you wake up in the morning. With a kind word, sweet notes, really good lunch, sexy text messages and thinking about the good qualities. Now praise God we are like rabbits and all because we start each day preparing to make each other feel good. Sex can break down walls and bring you together closer. Now don't get me wrong it's no a cure all but hey " Can't hurt to try!
  7. Kit (Keep It Trill) Tuesday - 25 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    Six months? Jeez! How old is couple? If young, I'd be sweating over six days and by the 7th ready to recreate my world - without him. Unless he had a real good excuse. What that wife said in the show or movie (which I never watched, it was too culturally removed for me), if it occurred in real life, would simply be hostile and cruel. Unless she knows he's cheating and resents his move for sex, but that's a poor way to deal with it. The solution to sexual drought in marriage is the same: get counseling, and if that doesn't work, cut 'em loose, because life is short. Kit (Keep It Trill)s last blog post..Thanksgiving Day Special: Show Ya Love By Effing Wit Their Heads
  8. TJean Tuesday - 25 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    It is what you make it! If you make it hot and steamy, it will stay hot and steamy; if you make it boring and stale, it will stay boring and stale. Put in 100% to say that you have tried your best to make you relationship work. Disagreements will come , but learing to compromise is the best lesson. If no attribtions are made, then the results will ultimately harmful to the relationship. We must try, especially once we've committed ourselves.
  9. Rebecca Tuesday - 25 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    Well, take it from me, I love to inspire excitement with my man. we love to please each other mentally, physically and emotionally. All I have to do is wake up next to him in the morning, lay down next to him at night or take that power nap in the afternoon before he goes to work. Not that is all about the sex, it's re-inventing the spark that you started with in the beginning. Six months of not having sex with my mate and we live in the same household, baby that is not happening. When he is really, really tired from double shifts, I can wait a few days and all I have to do is put th red sheets on the bed and my lil neglige, he knows it's going down. I cook breakfast and give him breakfast in bed (of cousre by now, you understand I'm a stay at home mom) lol so i can do these things. As a couple we have to work at making our love life sparkle and with some it isn't work. being next to each other is enough to get us both in the mood, as we sleep at night and turn over away from each other, we both bring our feet legs and feet together and fall right back to sleep. You may think, I'm crazy, but I can't go to sleep good until he walks through the door,even if it's 3-4 am in the morning from work at times. Ladies spicing it up with a nice neglige, panty shopping, lol or even buying him new draws and socks, turns him on, he says it shows that I care... lol, he's easy to please, lol. I love pleasing him in evey single way. 6 months no way and to say are you almost done, NEVER....
  10. Constance Wednesday - 26 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    Sex is EXTREMELY important in a healthy marriage. I have to say that I have fallen prey to the "i'm tired" line like a lot of women, but I have never gone more than a week or 2 without having sex. I'm in school and it's really hard and my husband works 2 jobs, so it's very hard to keep that spark going at times. I can definitely feel a difference in our relationship if it's been awhile since we made love. If there was no logical reason why I was refusing sex, like a medical condition, then my husband for sure would have either stepped out or brought up divorce. As a wife it is my duty to fulfill all of his needs and vice versa. Sex is an important need of his, so I should try to do everything in my power to completely fulfill him even if I am tired. I am most definitely a work in progress regarding this issue.
  11. MajorDude Wednesday - 26 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    Sex isn't all of a relationship but because it oils the machinery, everything else (communication, respect, trust) will come to a halt. The person who desires the least always controls the frequency, i.e., sex only happens when the person wants it the least wants it to happen. When sex isn't happening someone has to first confront THEMSELF. The party who's holding out has to ask themself, "Why am I being a sadist?" The overly patient party has to ask themself, "Why am I being a masochist?". Once the honest answer to that poignant question is dealt with in the form of necessary personal adjustments (corrections in character flaws)only then do can you stand up and confront your partner about your legitimate needs. And only one party has to do this (and frankly only one party at a time will). But as soon as just one party stands up, confronts themself and begin to face their own issues that's when the relationship (and sex life) will change. That may mean divorce for some but for most it will mean passion so hot it'll cool the sun! A physical need not being met for 6 months is either medical (not the case here I assume) or emotional (which is really why affairs occur).
  12. Jonesi Wednesday - 26 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    I think self-awareness and self-esteem have a lot to do with it in regards to women who don't desire it often. Just my opinion....
  13. Confused Thursday - 27 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    I like a lot of the comments that have been made, but no one seems to be answering the original question. The question was when it is not happening, then what? I had heard how thing change after the ring goes on, but i could never imagine that it could be this bad. My wife and i dated in a long distance relationship for about 2 years before getting married. As we got closer to being married, i was having issues with the level of affection (huging, kissing, etc.) but the sex was consistent (it seems to (d)evolve from love making to just sex in retrospect). Of course we were only seeing each other maybe two weekends per month. Once i moved to her city after getting married, everything just stopped! It's been almost two years we've been married. We were only having sex maybe twice a month. No explaination, no nothing. Anytime i challenged the situation it is like i was treated as a criminal. Til this day, i still don't know why. The only time we've had any consistent sex since we've been married was when she was trying to get pregnant. Just had a baby a few months ago. Now the pregnancy and the baby had/has become the convienient excuse for the behavior she has been exhibiting since the ring got on. I think ultimately most marriages have problems because the two people shouldn't be married in the first place. People but on "fronts" to get what they want until it is secured. It is unfortunate because we don't have long on this planet and it is not enough time for us to be wasting in a miserable situation. So again, i ask the question, after you've tried EVERYTHING and nothing changes, THEN WHAT?????
    • OMOLARA KIM Saturday - 01 / 10 / 2011 Reply
      PRAY..............
    • OMOLARA KIM Saturday - 01 / 10 / 2011 Reply
      PRAY..............
      • OMOLARA KIM Saturday - 01 / 10 / 2011 Reply
        Pray and seek HELP....
  14. Anonymous Friday - 28 / 11 / 2008 Reply
    Unfortunately, then you have to move on. You can't beat a dead horse. You owe it to yourself to be happy and you owe it to the other person to be honest. Living a lie isn't happiness.
  15. ewok Monday - 01 / 12 / 2008 Reply
    I agree with "Anonymous". "Confused"....do her a favor and leave. She either has hang-ups about sex or is just not attracted to you. You have a beautiful child, and just make sure you are there for the baby and your part is done. Just like you said, ou were married for the wrong reasons. You have to know your partner..... Sounds like a few rolls in the hay long distance was not enough to base a relationship on. Best of luck to you!
  16. Marcus Thursday - 04 / 12 / 2008 Reply
    Confused...let's put the emergency brake on for a second. I had to read your comment about three times before I started putting two and two together. Sex is important in a marriage, not because it keeps the marriage together, but because it opens up a freedom of emotional expression, in a positive, and nurturing way towards your spouse. Now you said you guys had a long distance relationship. I personally am not too fond of those...Long distance relationships leave room for deception. Who knows what someone might be gassing you up with, while you're hundreds of miles away. It leaves room for lies, mistrust, and it's too convinient to cheat and not get caught in a long distance relationship. I am not boubting the love that your partner may have for you, but you would be a "fool" to thing she has no secrets. This is just my interpretation, take it or leave it. Sounds like a long distance was convivient, she fell in love, but because a good amount of your relations were long distance, a close emotional connection was never established...it was NEVER there...So now, a baby is a good thing for both of you, but especially great for her. Now it's a convinient excuse to not give up the goods, and now it's where she's putting her real emotional connection (for the child). Now what about poor you? What's crazy about this are many guys are in your shoes. Their women never gave their men that emotional attention, that connection that allows for people to fall deeply in love with each other. Does she love you? If she does, then tell her she's going to have to get up off that high horse and change her ways... If she refuses to change, then you refuse to be unhappy. Leave...people understand this, you have one life, so live YOUR life.
  17. ewok Thursday - 04 / 12 / 2008 Reply
    Confused! Listen to Marcus. You owe it to yourself to be happy and satisfied. Don't go through life without having that deep connection. For example: Not being able to concentrate during the day because you are thinking about what ya'll did or about to do. Calling just to say I love you, want you. Dirty text messages. These fun things happen when that physical connection is met and nourished. Top this connection with love and you can't beat it. Stinky breath, not showering (i wouldn't suggest you make that a habit, but you get the point...lol), being able to take care of her and kiss her after she has puked her guts out from carrying your child or from the take-out you two shared the night before. That's love. And once you have it, you don't want to let this go. I know I don't with the love of my life. I pray that you find out the true meaning of love and you find the one that makes your heart skip a beat. best of luck to you and God Bless!
  18. Tom T. Thursday - 04 / 12 / 2008 Reply
    My wife and I have been together for about 11 years and she is getting worse, it went fromhaving sex a few times a week,to every 2 months, to 4 months and now she is at 6 months! I cannot take it, I love her deeply, I tell her daily yet whenever I get close to her she is not in the mood and blames it on the stress with work and life in general. We have arguments about it all the time because she says that it is always on my mind(how could it not be)I have tried being patient with her on numerous occasions and have lost my temper as well, I am soooo frustrated! Ladies out there, I need your help and advice, I love my wife dearly and want to show it but I am stopped all the time. PS: The worst part is that she walks around the house nude every morning after coming out of the shower, how much more can I take.
  19. TheDad Thursday - 04 / 12 / 2008 Reply
    @ Tom - I'll run your comment as a seperate post tomorrow so it gets more reaction and comments for you to view.
  20. Rebecca Friday - 05 / 12 / 2008 Reply
    Tom T. Ok, this is where you need to sit down and take a deep breath to relieve some of your stress. For one, have you asked her what kind of stress is she under in order for her to put off having sex with you 2, 4 and now 6 months? I'm in the corporate scene and it can be stressful, but not stressful enough to not have sex, it would most definately fuel the fires to have sex with my man or make love to him. Have you tried making things a little easier for her, like running her a hot bath, taking her to a get away spot for you two to relax and get closer? Now, that she is walking around naked in the morning after a shower, which is making you wonder if it's something wrong. I pray that all is well between the two of you, but try to get closer without the arguments, and talk to her and ask her what is it that has her feeling this way. Sometimes couple lose their way when it comes to life itself and she feels like you should understand. Have you ever denied her sex when you were stressed out? Think back to that 2 month mark and ask yourself what changed in her life that triggered the absentee sex. Maybe she has lost her sex drive and don't know how to handle it, maybe sex therapy is in order for her to get back on track.... Tell you one thing about the sex drive, rekindle the flames like it was before and think of creative ways in sensual foreplay(yes, I've been called a seducer), because I write, live and breathe love poetry. What is the one thing she really liked or loved for you to do for her that turned her on? Think about it!
  21. ewok Friday - 05 / 12 / 2008 Reply
    I so agree with Rebecca...the one thing that everyone should understand is that men are primal....women are emotional (with the potenial to be primal...you have to bring that out..lol.) I am sure you don't need much romance as a man...just your wife naked gets you going which is awesome! I am more than certain your wife needs the "I care" approach from you. The one thing that gets me hot and heavy is knowing my honey knows what makes me tick outside of the bedroom. We rub each others backs, ask how our days went, make each other meals and most importantly with having an infant.....he scoops the baby from my arms so I can do whatever it is I need to get done for my next day at work. This turns me on! Sometimes actually put the baby in the crib afetr he does that to let hiim know just HOW much I appreciate it. Seriously, when your love knows that you are still connected to her, she will be way more receptive to your advances. So, when she falls in the bed looking sexy to you,what have you done before that to bring the "primal" side of her out? This is not to say you have to do this everytime to get some or that you need to jump through hoops. Just make sure you are doing your part as her partner to make her feel wanted and needed. Now as for her, she has some responsibility to you to make sure your needs are met as well. Does she do the same things for you? Go back to the way it was when you two were jack rabbits....pin her in the laundry room, or when she prances around naked....give her something to take to work with her....lol. Women like that one thing you guys do (you know what it is).....make it happen captain! See if that doesn't make her head spin. If none of these things work, and there are underlying issues. 6 months is a long time to go without making love and she needs to be honest with you about what is eating at her. The longer this festers, the longer it will takes to fix the issue.
  22. Also Anonymous Friday - 05 / 12 / 2008 Reply
    I have been married for 20+ years and I have a similar problem ... except that I am the wife. It is a case of one partner controlling the other by withholding the intimacy that is so important to the other. In my situation, after years of begging and pleading, I am leaving the marriage. Will I find someone who is a better fit for me? Maybe not. But I have decided that the sheer possibility that I might find someone who is a better fit for me is worth the risk. If your needs are not being met now, early in the marriage, I can assure you from my personal experience that the situation will not improve, and when you receive attention, it will be given begrudgingly and will not be satisfying. P.S. Don't assume that women always need flowers, soft music and mood lighting. Sometimes that's nice, but we also need the act, we need to be desired, and many of us in our forties possess more passion, sensuality, self-awareness and confidence than we had in our twenties. Also, for those of you with young children, take the initiative, arrange a babysitter and take your wife to a hotel.
  23. chrystal martin Monday - 22 / 12 / 2008 Reply
    Now i can't comment on the men,But with the stress of modern society to be these "super moms and wives" we tend to forget that WE (women) LIKE SEX!! I went through this myself ( and i has 23 at the time, i'm 25 now) With bad advice from "unmarried" girlfriends and some crappy self help stuff, i started to resent my hubby for wanting sex so much from me. It affected our marriage badly. And the problem was...Me I was a new mother, in college, dealing with in-laws living with us and bills. I forgot about him and his feelings for me. I was buying into the "sex isn't the most important thing in marriage"BS! Well it is. I feel as women we try and repress our sexual nature because "men don't marry the bad girl", But women get horny too!! I knew things had to change or I was going to lose a great man due to my own hang-ups. So I did a few things 1) Kicked out the freeloaders lol 2) Took some time out to get back to looking good and dressing like i did before my baby But this is really what help me 3) Masturbation It really got my sexual juices( no pun intended) flowing. It really helped me awaken that "bad girl" again. Just because we become wives or mothers doesn't mean we have to stop being sexual vixens. It helped with my stress and it made me feel sexy, which in turn he loved because i felt sexy with him too!! It really helped our relatinship and from here on out, we never go longer than a week without doing something sexual ( not just intercourse) with each other
  24. ewok Monday - 22 / 12 / 2008 Reply
    Good for you Chrystal!
  25. beauty4money Saturday - 21 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    Communication is very important in a marriage. Next to God its the thread that keeps everything aligned. But SEX is such a powerful component in a marriage. But I really feel that if u have picked a mate that is not your soul mate this would be a problem. Because the attraction for life is gone. Which will happen when u marry for the wrong reasons and not asking God for his blessing in your holy union. I have been married for 9 years and sex now is just as it was in the beginning if not better because i love him and the attraction is always there. so if its not there for yall ask your self what has changed. wanting more cause we give more now than then so step ya game up. But ladies please remember that they are growing to and have to be taught certain things just like we did in our relationship. most black been have never seen or lived in a successful marriage so how are they to know if we dont tell them. not yell but actually not be afraid to tell the truth with out breaking the po man down. if yo partner is not doing it how u like it teach him how to please u dont be scared nothin to it but to do it
  26. Doc Sunday - 22 / 03 / 2009 Reply
    Ive been married 20yrs and when menopause started my wife quit making love to me ..its been 7yrs since we had sex.ive got 20yrs invested in this marrage and i dont think i should throw the whole thing away because we dont have sex...it saddens me because im called the cheater when she stopped having sex with me. i wait several years before going out to get what i need..i understand that sex is painful for some women when there going thru menopause so i didnt force the issue. we talk about it and i told her what i would do..we didnt really agree on it .but,she told me just dont bring it in her face..and i dont..but making love to someone else brings about transference of emotions ..first conversation then love making then becoming emotionally tied to someone else..and i didnt want to do that..my wife is a good woman so i spend more time without sex or just masterbating..im sad about no sex but i cant give up my marrage
  27. Nat: Monday - 19 / 04 / 2010 Reply
    Our sex life has always been crap !! No sex on wedding night or honeymoon, honeymoon was just a vacation. Wife wasn't ready and not in the mood. Finally had sort of sex about 8 moths later. By that time I totally lost interest, thought it was boring and unexciting. The best thing that happened to me I was transfered to the night shift also worked weekends. Wife worked days so we didn't get to see much of each other. That was great! I volenteered to work all my vacations also so I didn't have to sleep with her. As you can tell sex is a non-issue! I didn't want sex with her or anyone else. Been married 43 yrs and about 31 years without sex.