Dear BMWK, Single Black Man Looking For Single Black Woman

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on December 11th, 2008 | 24 comments

Hi,

I am a 28 year old young man living in the MD/DC area. I am a graduate student and I have a problem with dating/meeting women. I have no baggage and pretty much an all around good dude. I have never had a problem with meeting women, but lately since I went back to graduate school to get my degree, I have not been able to meet women that I am interested in. I go out to the clubs, not that much because of finances, but I still don’t know what I am doing wrong. Can you please help me or at least give me some advice on how to make my situation better?

HER VIEW:

To me, the best way to meet someone is through mutual friends or join clubs and organizations on campus or at church. I am not too keen on meeting people at the club. (Even though TheDad asked me out for the first time at the club ..but we were meeting through a mutual friend at the club.)
You are close to 30 now and it sounds like you are going through some transition with school and finances..etc….. Sometimes you have to focus on those things and everything else will fall into place.

HIS VIEW:

It all depends on what type of women you’re looking for. Where would these women be? Are you approaching a woman that you see you think may be your type. People may think this is a weird question but I know a lot of dudes that play that she needs to come to me or all shy and will sit there scared of rejection. Then these same dudes wonder why they can’t find a woman. Me and my brother talked about this yesterday in regards to my nephew, when you’re a guy rejection is a way of life. Since you’re the one that will be making the first move 99% of the time, it is what it is but like the lotto, you gotta play to win!

You said you went to graduate school, does that play a roll in this? Just curious because you mentioned it, does that mean you moved to a different city? Or do you feel as though you need a different level of woman now?

BMWK help this guy out with some advice. What would you tell him?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Harriet

I just want to comment by asking the young man a few questions:

- First and foremost, what do you want it a woman? Do you want a woman who is assertive or laid back? Tall or short? Established or still figuring some things out? Kids or no kids? Smoker or non-smoker? Christian or Athiest or any other faith that’s out there? Athletic or soft and cuddly? College educated or not?

I’m not saying make a list and then check it twice if a woman doesn’t fit one or two of your requirements, but I am saying have SOME kind of idea of what you want and what you don’t want. That way you can adjust the places you go in order to search for her.

- Are you on the search for a wife or someone to spend some time with?

It makes a huge difference. If you’re looking for a serious committed relationship, then going to the strip joint probably ain’t the place for you. LOL

- What are you bringing to the table?

You said you don’t go out a lot for financial reasons. Trust me, there are plenty of women that are not out for your money. Many want to be inspired by a man with clarity of future vision. Are you able to discuss your vision and goals for your life? Real love is not about being lost in one another’s eyes, but about having someone to walk this thing out with you while the two of you are looking in the same direction.

- What do you mean by “all around good dude?”

A good person and a good catch are two different things. I married my husband in large part because he had S.W.A.G.G.E.R.: Spiritual, full of the Word, Anointed, Godly, full of Greatness, Extraordinary and Real. He didn’t have everything together, but shoot, neither did I. I knew one thing, though. He and I would make a good team, and he would be an outstanding father to my future children.

- What do you have that’s unique to YOU?

You’re the only one with your DNA, so when God created you, He threw out the mold. There is no one else out there like you, so I suggest you tap into what you’ve been given. If you don’t know, you need to find out. You’re on the right track by going to school, but in order to know what your purpose is, you’re going to have to ask the One Who created you. Otherwise you’ll be spending all that money to get a degree and earn a position or start a business that will leave you feeling hollow and unfulfilled, no matter how much money you make.

- Let’s get down to the real, too. How do you look? Does your breath stink? What about your style?

Inspiration and knowing what you want are great. But I tell you what: that physical package is important as well. If I told you it wasn’t, I’d be lying. Now, granted, my husband and I didn’t have sex with one another until we were married, but he definitely gave me something to look forward to. We’re both athletic, and he knows I’m a sucker for a brother in basketball shorts. LOL

If you’re what folks deem overweight or obese and you’re comfortable with that, fine. But you saying you’re comfortable while walking around with clothes that don’t complement your shape on, I would beg to differ.

If you’re on the thin side and you’re comfortable with that, fine. But present yourself accordingly.

If your hair is jacked up and you can’t afford a $20 cut, experiment with a set of clippers of your own. You might mess up once or twice and have to go to the barber to get your jacked up line fixed (LOL), but hey, eventually you’ll get it right. I’m not even going to begin to tell you what my eyebrows used to look like when I started shaping them myself. Let’s just say, thank God for long bangs.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, brother. I agree with TheDad in that rejection comes with the territory you’re embarking upon. But there’s no need to be anyone but yourself, and if someone cannot accept you for that, then great. It saves you time, drama and heartache. But you’ve got to know who you are and what you want before you say flat out that you have failed at it.
Anna

LOL @ Harriet. I thought you were interviewing him as a potential son-in-law or nephew-in-law.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

@Anna – TheMom and I had been wondering where you had been. We thought we lost a family member

TheDads last blog post..Dear BMWK, I’m a Depressed Dad
Anna

TheDad (author) said:
@Anna – TheMom and I had been wondering where you had been. We thought we lost a family member.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks. I am still here. I have been kind of down. I found out $1300 was taken out of my bank account. I figured out who did it and on my lunch hour today I filed a idenity theft complaint with the police. Sad thing is I’ve known the girl since she was 4 next month she turns 20 and I hope she has a nice bday in jail. LOL.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

Sorry to hear that, hope it gets straightened out. Now we just have to track down Mrs. D and get her back commenting on the site. hmmmmmm
Anna

TheDad (author) said:
Sorry to hear that, hope it gets straightened out. Now we just have to track down Mrs. D and get her back commenting on the site. hmmmmmm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes we need to find her. Ppl get depressed this time of year and don’t want to socialize and our recession does not help. Our spirits will get back uplifted once our new President gets sworn in.
My bank has been very good about taking the unauthorized charges off, little by little I am getting it back. There were 8 seperate charges. The personel at my bank can’t believe how paitent I am. There are two things you don’t mess with, someones car and their money. Actually there are 3 things, and me. Getting the last laugh is the best revenge. How does one have a $355 cell bill, that’s half of what I bring home each week. Hope she likes the jail payphones. LOL. I am feeling better already. Thanks.
Daisy

Wow. I am a single 32 yr old female still waiting on my mr right. So I feel your pain. I live in Atlanta and the pickings are very slim. Once you weed out the gay men, DL men and playas there isnt much left. I am looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage so I dont have time for games. I am active in church, do vol. work, hang out at the gym and I even go to sports bar (I LOVE Football) and still nothing. I feel men here want women to do all the work and approach them. I believe in flirting and sending signals/messages after that I am done. So I wish you well and if you see a sista you are interested please STEP to her and get it crackin!
Harriet

@ Daisy:

Looks like you and this brother need to meet… ;o)
NJwife

I agree about not meeting women in the club. Go to the grocery store, mall. You will definitely meet women in church. I meet my husband in college in the library. Believe me there are plenty of single, beautiful, intelligent, black woman.

You are a grad student. Are you employed?
kim h20s

i am a 30-something in the dc/md/va area who is also in grad school. when i look around my class the number of women (particularly women of color) is higher than the number of men.

my second piece of advice is “like attracts like”. you’ve got to turn to your committed/married friends on this one! if you notice that your buddy’s wife has qualities you like in a woman, ask him to ask her if she has any single friends that she can introduce you to. do the same for your coworkers, church members, and school study partners.

don’t be afraid to join activity groups geared towards singles. my friend and i did find a singles dinner group. unfortunately there was a mix up with the list and we wound up at dinner with a group of SENIOR singles! but don’t you know that they were so helpful…a few offered to introduce us to their sons/grandsons!

i also advise you to be patient. perhaps God is waiting for you to get your finances straight or finish school so that when He does send the perfect woman (and He will!), you will be ready. i speak from personal experience on that one!.
http://www.mysexualswagger.com tillie

People are so picky these days! Men want a light-skinned red bone, slim, long hair, damned near white, six-inch heels, run-way model-type, video woman. You got all that to go into your bed and then what? No conversation, no substance, no nothing! You got an air-head beauty queeen with no conversation but a few ooowwws and ahhhs during sex. Look sometimes into other qualities people have besides looks. You never know a person until you strike up a conversation and spend some time with that person. What is with status? What is a college degree? Degrees don’t have all the clout they used to. Look at the job market these days. So, does a degree make a person to be on a certain level? Yes, I am all for college, but there are some smart and intelligent people in the world who is not on certain levels and criteria that you try to put them in. Do you know that most millionaires in the United States never even finished college or never went to college? Like Ludacris said, “If I take one more drink, I’m go be up in …!” But, if he hadn’t taken a drink and gotten high, he wouldn’t have gotten with the chick at all, right? People have to stop being so materialistic and looking for that trophy wife and eye candy. Believe me, that is nothing but trouble. Who wants a person who is totally a high-maintenance mirror-hogging self indulged freak? And then every one else wants the person for the same reason you do, is for the looks. I would rather take a not so attractive person for their heart and we work on building a life of love than a person who thinks they are just too beautiful to pass a mirror without admiring him or herself and is so self-indulgent and self-centered that they can’t give a care about the next person because they just don’t look as good. We have to stop and think about what qualities a person has to offer besides just physical. You are missing out on some special people by just digging someone for their looks. I have met some really special friends on social networking sites. One of mine is http://www.myspace.com/nubian10 or look for me under Tillie and you may also find me on tagged.com with the same. Soon my website will be up to help people like this young man who is desperately seeking his mate, who just might be within arms reach and he’s reaching over her trying to get to the beauty. My associate and I will be a team of consultants on http://www.mysexualswagger.com. Check us out in the future.
Anna

tillie, nice comment. There are also ppl who never finished high school that have more money than the average person who busted their butts to get degrees. Are they talented, does destiny play a role or were they just blessed/lucky? I can honestly say that I would have never walked up to my now husband in church, a club or a grocery store to “get the digits”. I may have chatted with him in a grocery store line (but I do that with young, old black white male or female, to pass that wait time). If we did not meet through friends we would not be married today. He is short, not Jermaine Duprie short. LOL. About 12 years ago I was told that I don’t have a ” type”. I am one who sees a man for what he is. I have had dark chocolate skinny to big burley medium skin. I have never done “short”.(until 12 yrs ago). We can pick and choose all we want. The man who is my husband would have not been my pick for me. Am I shallow because after talking on the phone for 2 weeks, when I finally met him I fell in love with his “smile”. He did always “smile” over the phone”. I had never seen a pic of him. but you can tell someone is giving a smile over the phone without laughging. You just can’t tell his height. LOL. We were always a mistery to each other on how we looked. His smile was like I invisioned it while talking on the phone. His voice on the phone made me think he was at least my height. I will say that I am not complaining. Love is what it is and a marriage is just that, love with no boundaries, color or who is taller. I like knowing that I am a “equal” spouse. My money is my money and his money is my money, yeah right. I do like the seperate but equal “clause”.
Anna

sorry for the typos.
C.N.EDAW

Some good advice for the most part. I admit, whenever I see a guy your age complaing about not being able to find a woman in your position; I roll my eyes and start thinking there must be something you are leaving out. College campuses ANYWHERE in the country favor black men usually by about 8 black women to 1 black man and the odds for the man tend to get even better in grad and medical or law school. Are you not joining study groups or any of the black student groups on campus or within your graduate field of study? EASY way to meet people without the pressure of dating and you get to know each other in a context that lets you know if you are wanting to take that next step.

And you walk into any black church and there is a horde of single women in your age group praying for husbands who will be convinced YOU are the one God has sent them. By the time you dated all of them you’d be out of school and working in your field. And you probably wouldn’t have to make the first move.

So many “nice black men” give off the vibe that because they are educated, not in jail, etc. women are just SUPPOSED to chase them and women, YES EVEN black women like to occasionally be pursued. When I get asked out by a black man (it happens way more freuquently with other races of men) I call up EVERYONE one I know because it’s such a rarity and an ego boost. By the time those women get into your age bracket they are tiring of always being expected to do all the work. You may honestly be shy; but I frankly find men who cannot even get up the nerve to say hi or return a smile or other obvious flirtation not worth my time or effort. You know it’s not going to get better from there, 9 times out of 10.

Alot of “nice black men” or “good dudes” as I see you refer to yourself as underestimate the importance of social skills, plain and simple. Can you make and hold conversation? Do you have a sense of humor? Are you polite and well mannered? Can you be around people different than you and not be awkward? Do you have interests that you can talk about or share with others? Do you read or keep up with pop culture or current events? When someone makes plans with you do you show up? Do you cancel in a timely and polite manner if something comes up? Are you on time when you make plans with some one? Do you assume certain things about black women just cuz they are black i.e. likes, dislikes, politics, religion, taste in music or movies? Do you use slang or foul language around a woman you barely know or talk about sex on the first date or call excessively?

These things may sound like common sense but you would be shocked at how many “nice dudes” who seem to know not to do (or do) these things with their boys, at work or with female friends or family members BUT do (or don’t do) them with women they are trying to date!

Not saying you have to be a social butterfly or Barack Obama BUT ever notice how some men who are not that attractive or don’t have a lot of money are ALWAYS able to get dates or attract women. It’s usually because they are fun to be around and know how to talk to people. I meet so many generally “good dudes” who are so hard to be around that their relationships never take off and they don’t seem to get it it. Poor manners, boring conversation or no conversation at all is so common with these guys yet they expect some woman to want to spend their entire lives living and having sex with them at some point.

Reality check. Most black women have accepted they will be alone, so for a good number of them the idea of being with someone who doesn’t even try to be interesting or enjoyable to be around OR that they can’t introduce to friends and family at some point is just not appealing option JUST to have a mate anymore.
Daisy

@Harriet it sounds that way but I was just telling my gfriend this weekend I was not into meeting somebody on line. She asked me when was the last time I had a date I told her its been so long I have forgotten well I havent but I didnt want to tell her how long it has really been. I just dont want to say I met my husbnad on line and I have never been one to date just to date. If im dating you its because im interested in getting to know you. So of course she told me I need to stop turning up my nose at on line dating esp. since I can’t remember the last time I had a date..lol

CN your comment below is sad yet somewhat true. At 32 I am keeping hope alive but I do think about having kids by myself later on down the road. I PRAY it doesn’t come to that. I don’t want to date outside my race I believe in black love and I want black love so we shall see. I don’t know what it is about some black men and marriage. I have less than 5 married friends from high school/college and my crew in the A all put together. Something has got to give.

Reality check. Most black women have accepted they will be alone, so for a good number of them the idea of being with someone who doesn’t even try to be interesting or enjoyable to be around OR that they can’t introduce to friends and family at some point is just not appealing option JUST to have a mate anymore.
Single Black Man Looking For Single Black Woman

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

In response, I am a very sociable person, in various social clubs where there are alot of women, and I have alot of female friends of all races in my network.

I think part of the reason is this past year I was so busy with taking classes and working that I really had no time to actually date or put energy into actually dating someone. Now that I have more time on my hand, I am longing to date and spend time with someone.

I was seeing someone seriously, but she doesn’t want a relationship, so now I am trying to get back into the dating scene but it is hard because I have not dated for sometime now.

Then, back to the type of woman that I want, I guess I am sort of picky. I will not approach a woman that I am not attracted to and lately that has been the case. Maybe I should go out more or just be patient as someone stated above.

Well as I enter my new quest of “dating”, thanks for all the responses and advice from everyone. I will definitely approach this situation from a different angle in the near future!

-Young Brotha in the DMV
La Tonya

For starters I’m a 34 year old woman with 3 children. I’ve divorced once and currently separated. This doesn’t make me a bad person just always put my heart on the line. Just to find the right one. Every one has some type of hidden problem that they just don’t show in the beginning. Others see it but usually the one who’s trying to find it doesn’t. I am also in college to become an RN yes I’m doing it on my own. It’s hard since I’ve been out of school for a while. Take your time I wish I did. Love is a serious matter. I searched for love thought I found it and all I found was a bunch of heart ache. Sometimes doing what you have to do for you is the best thing in life to do. You’re young you have time to grow with someone else later. Get you while you can. Stop looking God knows where you are he will guide you the right way. When the right one comes along take your time.
Young Bro. in the DMV

Thanks La Tonya! I will definitely keep your comments in mind for the New Year! I am putting everything in the hands of the most high and the universe. Thanks everyone for all of your comments and advice.
http://www.howattractwomen.co.cc How Attract Women

Thanks. Nice information. Your post on attracting women has been somehow accurate with what I am researching on. I also believe that in order to attract women, one needs to overcome shyness. Some guys find that this is what that hold them back. Hey, I like your content, can we exchange blogroll? I am going to make a new blog soon. Do let me know by email. =)
http://yahoo.com shantira

i cook clean wash everything and love men
Nessa

I think that everyone has given some great advice so far. I am a single woman in the same age bracket and also in grad school. To my surprise I was shock to read that this gentleman was having problems dating. In the MD/DC area there are 10 women to every one man more than that if you are in school. In my class alone there are 35 students 5 which are males and out the 5 ,2 are married, 1 is in a long term committed relationship, and the other 2 are avail. Out of the 30 women that are in the class 25 are avail with no boyfriend, husbands, ECT… In the MD /DC area these stats are true for most post education classes. I am wondering if there is something that is being left out. Do you know how to treat a lady? What do you bring to the table? What do you look for in a woman? Are you out for looks, or someone that is not strong in the mind? What do you go after? Do you like married woman, committed woman, women that have long hair, or women that is a size 2. Do you like white women? In the DC/MD area there are a lot of well off black women that are different from the rest of the country. What is your type? Your type may be only for your temp use and not long term. I would advise that you take a good look at yourself first and then try t o date again. I do believe in flirting but nothing more than that. If you want my number ask me for it, I do not offer. From my experience men are putting less effort in their approach to women. A guys approach says a lot to me and how you treat a lady. I am a lady and demand and expected to be treated like one at all times. Meaning a guy has to be on his a game at all time from conversation to motivation and personality. Call me old fashion but the club is not the best place to meet some I have found out that no matter how you approach someone in the club they tend not to be truthful or only want one thing. I see nothing wrong with a good happy hour or lounge because the atmosphere is different from a club. . I have problems dating but for different reasons then you are. I have dated a guy that was having the same problem as you? After I dated him I found out why he was having problems finding that special woman. His personality sucks in every way. His comment to me was that he was something that every woman wanted an educated man with a good job, nice car, no kids, and own his own home. The way that he felt was that if one woman would not put up with him then the next one would. Well to make a long story short we did not date for long and I told him exactly what I thought about him.
Nessa

It is late sorry about all the grammar errors
http://oralsybert@yahoo.com oralsybert

i am looking for a black woman is 50 to 65
i am 49
i am 6ft1
i have brown hair and brown eyes
please call me at 724-548-1776 and 724-954-8751
oralsybert@yahoo.com
have a nice day
thank you
oral sybert
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