BMWK Anniversary Classic: Don’t Be A Relationship Enabler

Relationships

by Ronnie Tyler | on December 14th, 2008 | 6 comments

All this week we’ll be running classic posts in addition to our regular content to celebrate our one year anniversary on Blackandmarriedwithkids.com!

I don’t understand why (us) women think that we need to financially support a man. I say (us) women because I was in a relationship for years where I basically allowed a man to live off of me. It was to the point where I was basically paying for my own presents (because any money he had came from me.) It took me almost 10 long years to get out of this dysfunctional relationship. While I was in it, I made excuses like: 1. he is young and I am young so of course he doesn’t have much, 2. I came from a better family and therefore had a better support system, and 3. as we got older, I started saying well I graduated from college first and since I make more money..then of course I should pay for things (everything.) By the time we turned 28, I ran out of excuses and we started having serious problems. The fact of the matter is, regardless of how much a man has, he should never allow a woman to support him. If he makes less money, that is ok, as long as he is making every effort to take care of his responsibilities. A man that allows a woman to take care of him is not a good candidate for head of household. Even when he does start to make more money, he will never step up to the plate…he just does not have it in him to be the man. I had 2 children with this man from my past, and even though he now has his college degree and a job, he still does not consistently pay child support. But I knew he was this way before we had the kids, so I don’t spend time feeling sorry or angry. Instead, I take care of my kids and anything I get from him is a plus.

I had a conversation with a younger friend this weekend and it hurt me to see that she is going down this same path. She has been with her boyfriend since she was 17 years old and she finally broke up with him because he did not have the same goals as she did. However, I could tell she was not really finished with this man. In the time that they were together, she earned a masters degree and she also purchased her own home. Although her ex has a college degree, it took him a while to find a job (which he got from one of her relatives.) He lived with her, in her home, and he did not pay an equal share of the expenses or the mortgage. However, he is driving a LUXURY S-U-V!!! Now that they have broken up, she has taken a traveling job and he is still living in her home. The worst part of this is that she is still paying the majority of the mortgage. She says she feels sorry for him and she is trying to let him save up some money to get his own place. Why would this man allow her to pay the mortgage when she is not even living there anymore. Why doesn’t she give him 30 days or 60 days notice and make him move out? I sat there listening to her make excuses for him. The only thing that I could do was tell her about my experiences. I also told her that even though he seemed to be a nice guy, that he was definitely not good husband material. I hope she does not get back with him.

Contrary to popular belief, there are good black men out there that would never allow a woman to take care of them….regardless of their background or circumstances. This is the kind of man you need to choose for a husband or boyfriend. I know, because I married one!!! We need to start teaching our girls early that they should never allow men to leach off of them. And we also need to teach our boys to take care of themselves and their families and to never take from women.

Leave a comment and let me know if you have experienced this same situation or if you are in it now.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and their latest documentary Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Harriet

Lord, JESUS!

I can’t say how grateful I am to the Lord for my husband being as humble and broken as he is. Our relationship could have easily ended up like the one you have described. I had two feet out the door when the Holy Spirit arrested me and promised me that the situation would change. That’s the ONLY reason I stayed, and true to His Word, my husband came around.

I think to some extent I settled for less than what I deserved, but I thank God that my cup is starting to overflow. My husband and I have grown so much, but it took literal divine intervention for all that hell to work out for the good.

Thanks for the article!
C.N.EDAW

Good thing she had someone to tell her the truth in time AND great that you are teaching your daughters and sons this lesson early.

I fell into that trap at 25, making hardly any money as a journalist, but still more than my boyfriend who also, “seemed like a nice enough guy” but just couldn’t seem to ever support himself. And I, like a lot of black women had been brainwashed into giving him a plethora of excuses for why he couldn’t do better and why I should help him out.

And don’t think he didn’t pull out the “black women never support their men” defense when I started to question him about his habits that I and every other woman in his life (mom and grandma and aunties) was enabling him to have. Since then I have met a number of men who expected to be taken care of and just steered clear. I don’t know where these men learn this stuff because they come from all backgrounds–middle class, college educated, two parent households, poor, single parent households doesnt matter really–my ex boyfriend’s parents were rich but that didn’t help his ambition or integrity one iota.
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

Isn’t it amazing how we do a better job screening, and then selecting, a stepdaddy than we do a father? At least that was my case. I was far more selective and careful about the men I allowed into my children’s lives than I was about mine.

I’m now asking myself why I didn’t raise the bar to the same height when choosing a daddy, as I am when screening a potential stepdaddy.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..How to date a single mom
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

@ Lisa Maria Carroll – wow that’s something powerful to think about. BTW nice blog. We need to do a link exchange.
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@TheDad, yes, let’s exchange links. I’m looking for guest bloggers to give me different perspectives on many of the topics that I discuss.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..Guest post: Ten things I wish I’d done before having kids
wc

Don’t be fooled into thinking it’s just black men. I dated enough white men to know jerks come in all colors. Now that I’m older and more secure as a person, I have to ask why women allow themselves to be taken advantage of. The answer is that they must be happy with their situation, or they would do something to change it.

Until they empower theselves, others can do nothing for them.