Marriage Ain’t for Ring Bearers and Flower Girls: It’s for Grown Folks!
I mentioned in a previous article how my husband and I fussed all the time during the first 18 months of our marriage. This article is designed to slap a reality check into the hearts and minds of every couple that has experienced the same. MARRIAGE.IS.FOR.GROWN.FOLK!!!!
We’ve all seen it: it’s either the worst behaved little punk you’ve ever seen dancing down the isle with a pillow and a ring at a FORMAL wedding (hello? this ain’t recess, little boy!)…or it’s the shy little crybaby that hates wearing the suit he has on, didn’t want to be in the doggone wedding to begin with, and either cries or mopes all the way to the altar.
Then, there’s the tomboyish little girl who got her dress dirty and to’ up (not torn…to’) outrunning all the ring bearers in the parking lot just before the wedding started, or that cute little girl that starts dropping petals, but the moment she realizes all eyes are on her, she desperately searches for her mother or father in the crowd and runs to them instead of down to the altar. Then the parent–not dressed to match the wedding party, I might add–has to walk that little girl who sings and shows out all the time at home (but all of a sudden she’s shy now) down to the altar.
Let me tell you, I’ve seen it all. And the 7 year old ring bearer and 4 year old flower girl are only cute coming down the isle. When the childish antics of innocence (and foolishness) bound up in the heart of a child enter into a marriage, wolves don’t come around in sheep’s clothing. No, sir, ring bearers parade around in husband’s clothing, and flower girls play dress up as wives, looking the “grown folk” part, but too immature and spoiled to have the mental, emotional and spiritual acumen to play their role effectively.
Let’s start with the sisters first. You know you have flower girl tendencies:
- When you get upset with your husband when he’s RIGHT, but instead of admitting it, you continue to argue your point just to get on his nerves. Get somewhere and sit down, l’il girl!
- If you make more money or do something better than your husband, you rub it in his face by singing, “anything you can do, I can do better…I can do anything better than you!” The ring bearer says, “No you can’t!” You make it worse by responding, “Yes, I can!” Then you end up in a perpetual “CAN’T!!!” “CAN, TOO!!!” dialog.
- If you see your husband’s clothes all over the floor, and instead of picking them up, folding them and putting them away, you set them in a pile on the other side of the room for him to wade through whenever it’s convenient.
- If you resort to throwing insults at your husband…and when that doesn’t work, you throw whatever you can get your hands on: the phone, the lamp, the dishes, the oven mitts, etc. You know if he tried to do something like that to you, you would call the po’leece (not police) and have him thrown in jail!
- You think that slamming doors is an effective means of communication
- You hit below the belt by conjuring up tears to get your husband/ring bearer to back up off of you.
I hear the loud cheers of agreement from my fellow human beings with testosterone issues. Before you agree too quickly, brothers, let’s address your ring bearer tendencies:
- You resort to growling instead of speaking, as if your louder, deeper voice will make you any more right or wrong;
- You find a button that you know will either set your wife/flower girl off or get her crying, and then…YOU.PUSH.THAT.BUTTON as if you don’t know what it will do. Come on, brothers! I don’t hear you!
- If you’re a Christian couple–take a deep breath–you assert that you are the HEAD, and that your wife/flower girl is supposed to submit, cuz that’s what the Bible says.
- You tag your wife/flower girl with an insult, and then you run away…to the basketball court, to work, to your prayer closet, to the safe place that the person who is now “it” can’t get to
- If you have children, when you and your wife/flower girl are fussing, you engage in this saccharin-sweet dialog with your kids, laughing and saying “Whew, son…mommy really is trippin’, isn’t she?”
- You go for the jugular by inserting the phrase, “That’s not how my mama used to cook/clean/wash/iron/rub it.”
Wooo-sah! Let me clear my throat for a minute. Folks, we all have succumbed to some sort of childish behavior in our marriages and relationships. The key is taking the time to pinpoint our childish proclivities and respond in a more mature, grown up manner:
- It’s OK to say three important words that are perhaps just as important as “I love you.” Those three words are “I was wrong.” If you can’t push them past your palate, try “I apologize” instead. That’s only two words, and it cuts your effort down at least 30%.
- It’s all right to admit that you need some space. Instead of bringing the pain, get somewhere, relax, relate, release the issue in prayer, then come back when you’re a little more calm.
- Realize that everything you want to discuss does not have to be resolved at that very moment. That’s too impulsive, especially if your significant other needs some space. For example, don’t be trying to bring the issue of contention up just before you’re about to make love. Come on! Wait until afterwards. For sisters, you’ll probably get much further by laying it down sexually THEN talking as opposed to vice versa. Give him the sugar, and he’ll be like putty in your hands. LOL
- Lower your voice! Make your conversations a “whine free zone” and talk like you’ve got some sense. You know you do! There’s no need to try to manipulate the situation by getting all emotional and unglued.
- You, more than anyone else, know where the buttons of contention and anger lie in your spouse. Make a commitment: DON’T PUSH THE BUTTON no matter what! Imagine me rocking back and forth like Sophia from the Color Purple: “Don’t do it, Ms. Celie…it ain’t worth it.”
The sooner we realize that we are the grown folks, and we are ordained to raise the ring bearers and flower girls of the future, then we’ll be much better off. But if there ever comes a time when you just have to regress, be nice and just take turns at it. Someone has to be the more mature one. If it takes two fools to fight, make a decision not to be one of them.
God bless!
~ Harriet
Harriet is a hilariously joyful married woman who resides in northeast Louisiana with her husband who is a restaurant manager. She works for a local University and along with her husband is the proud parent of a 3 year old son and a 10 year old stepson (who lives in NC).
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It’s funny because I frown seeing this LONG blog… it’s so easy to read, so that makes up for it.
Realize that everything you want to discuss does not have to be resolved at that very moment. - good STUFF!
I realized that it’s ok for me to talk about things later. And so… I’m looking for another explanation of the ‘don’t go to bed angry’ or something like that teaching. It can’t mean that everything must be talked about or OK tonight… right?
KJ
Maryland
What’s up, KJ!
Folks already know I’m long winded! LOL Thanks, though. I’m glad that I told the story right to make you still want to read it. LOL
Anyway, we don’t go to bed angry anymore, but there are plenty of times when we choose to go to bed without the issue being resolved. We just table it for another time with no hard feelings.
Well said, Harriet!
It’s a great eye opener for those who are about to get married, and a perfect reminder for those who have (eh-hem) been married too long — almost 10 years!
Our first year of marriage, I was guilty of throwing the TV remote control at my husband. When it hit the wall instead, broke into pieces, and missed him, I proceeded to throw the VCR remote at him. Needless to say, it didn’t resolve anything and I missed both times which pushed my buttons even more!
LOL
- Leah
Well, i agree with with everything in the post except picking up the clothes. I don’t pick up clothes belonging to physically capable adults unless they are paying me to be their laundry lady.
I’m not a laundry lady.
If SO leaves his jeans lying around (and he does) I either leave them alone or throw them on the pile of jeans laying on his side of the closet. However, I don’t get mad and nag him about it either. I usually just crack jokes when the cat decides to climb the “mountain o’ denim” and perches on it like she just discovered Mt. Everest.
On the plus side, he is usually neat about everything else.
Loved this article! I’ve been married for 23 years (as of December 21st) and everything you shared is so on point! Thank you for sharing and have a wonderful holiday season.
wHaT yOu SaY? Wow! I imagine all of us can truly relate to this. Girl don’t even get on-nem clothes, shoes in the living room. I thank GOD for deliverance cause me I was somethin else. I am so grateful for you especially today. I love you girl keep up the good work. I can’t wait on the next marriage session. U Helping me 4 real.
Aww, man. You mean not only do I have to wash his laundry, I have to sort it and put it away, too? LOL.
All good points. I don’t know people realize how hard marriage is. I’m 23 and been married for almost 2 years. I’m not claiming to know much about marriage at all, but I will say that we’ve been very happy lately. We mutually decided to be more appreciative of things we do for each other and to be more touchy-feely. (Yes, all that hugging and kissing helps!)
It helps, because at the end of the day, we both know that we are primarily concerned with each other’s happiness. I want nothing more for him to wake up with a smile and go to sleep with a smile and I know he feels the same.
Tara
http://theyoungmommylife.com
Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Why I still look four (okay, maybe five) months pregnant if I don’t suck in my gut
@ leah,
wow…it’s a good thing the remote didn’t make contact! if it shattered hitting the wall, you must have thrown it with all your might! LOL
@ nachri
i see your point (LOL @ laundry fairy). for me, i would nag, complain and gripe while piling stuff up, and my husband would get out of dodge!
@ churchlady
happy anniversary!!! congratulations and may you have many, many more!
@ butterfly
i hope you enjoyed your egg sam’ich! *wink*
Harriet - great post. This is definitely good advice for married couples as well as soon to be married couples.
However, I will have to agree with some of the readers though….I don’t fold up and put away the clothes that are left around the bedroom. I do however, put them in a pile in front of his dresser or on his side of the closet when I am cleaning. But..there are other littles things that I do for him…just like there are things that he will do for me. Like de-icing my car in the morning when he is leaving for work…he so sweet like that.
Harriet, you have done it again. That was not only a great read but very informative. I am going to email it to my daughter.
@TheMom, there were some things that we decided that we would no long do, ok I decided. I only worked 20 hrs per week when we first met. I had no problem doing the laundry, making lunches or cooking each night etc. I have worked full time for many years now and he does chip in. last night I finished his laundry that he started, he did not know I did it until he woke up this morning. Last night it snowed. I went out and shoveled. He called me at work to say that he woke up early to finish his laundry and shovel the snow and relized I did it last night. He called to say “thanks”. I don’t want to be a slave in my marriage with chores. I like to sometimes surprise him with what I do and I love that he verbally or by example lets me know what I did was appreciated. He washed the dishes tonight. It’s not unusual for him to do it but it made me see things differently for some reason. If I am not expected to do something or (think as a wife/woman I am suppose to do it), it just makes it more special to me when I know I am no longer obligated which allows me more pride in the “just because I did not have to” things.
wow @ themom and anna. i’m learning a lot. chores is a bone of contention in my marriage. i very rarely get help (as you’ll read in the next article), but i’ve tried my best not to let it get to me.
i still do the flower girl thing…i pile his clothes up in his studio until he gets ready to clean them up. that way i don’t have to see it, and the onus is on him to go through it.
some days are better than others, but as soon as i can, i’m getting myself a housecleaning service. :o)
@ anna,
thanks for the encouragement! i’m eager to hear your daughter’s thoughts on this topic as well!
Just to echo what everyone else said, great points! I’m not married and I like to walk out of my clothes so I can’t imagine having to pick up MINE and HIS lol. Maybe that has something to do with my current status…hmmm…
Anywho, I think one of the most important statements you’ve made is about acknowledging that every issue won’t be resolved immediately. I know I’m big on airing it out, dealing with it and moving on but sometimes that’s not the best approach. My worry though is that if things aren’t dealt with in that moment they will get pushed aside and not dealt with at all; that is unless I’m proactive (NAGGING) about it. I guess ultimately it comes down to the partner you have and I just hope that when the time comes we’ll be able to work through it because anything that’s important to me will be important to us.
Well, for the most part, the ladies/flower girls have come to a consensus. Brothers/ring bearers? Care to share? I’m starting to get the feeling that the men don’t want to touch this topic.
“Mr. Restaurant Manager?” Any thoughts? LOL
Curvydva,
There is nothing wrong with “nagging” the problem is, that is what men call it. We call it informing/reminding. There was a man in another country who said his wife “nagged” him to play the lottery. He almost forgot to play but did remember her nagging about it. She also wanted him to buy her a sausage. He did not buy the sausage because he only had money for one of her nagging needs. The numbers came out and she looked at the ticket and was so happy when he hit for $4,200. She read it wrong and still wanted her sausage. It was a ticket for $42 mill. Nag on wives, nag on.
Also, try not to sweep it under the rug, it piles up and both will trip. I am so happy that I am able to address things with my hubby. I have paid my dues and it’s not easy unless your really want it. Write a letter to him or send an email. Start with “I feel hurt because or “You make me upset/angry because”. I am not sure how long you have been on this site but “TheDad had a great post reminding us that men and woman are “wired” differently.
Men do need to be praised “instantly” for what they do/did. Women know how to take a back seat and wait for a man to realize what we do/did. It does not make it a bad thing. Men can’t read our minds but we sure think and know we can read theirs.
that’s wisdom @ anna. one reader said that it’s not what you say, but how you say it as well. tone of voice for my husband makes all the difference in the world.
i really like the letter/e-mail idea, too! thanks again for your wisdom!
Beautiful,
This was real funny reading because I know that we use to do all of that. Seeing where God has brought us from is truly amazing. I thank God for our spiritual father(dad) he has poured so much in me and taught me so much about the dos and the donts of marriage. One thing that sticks out the most about what he has said to me is that God is going to hold us married man accountable for what he placed in our garden. And I thank God for placing and beautiful rose in my garden that does nothing but blossom and flourish. I am so amazed at your wisdom and your knowledge. Keep writting and letting your anointing destroy the yokes of of bondages on marriages around the world. To God Be The Glory. He is truly. Giving you a platform to showcase Him. Keep on representing Beautiful.
I Love You
Awww, baby! You have succeeded in giving me more warm fuzzies when I think about you. Did you ever think we’d be able to look back at those times and fall out laughing? God has truly brought us a long way.
Thank God, too, for wise counsel from our spiritual parents. I think we would have run one another off long ago if it had not been for their prayers and interventions late in the midnight hour. LOL
@Anna - Take a back seat? Hmmm those words don’t sit right with me. It’s not that I disagree, I just want to understand. I come from a family of single mothers. So my existence was built upon AND around women who had no other choice but to get in the front to make life happen, so I could be who I am today.
I say this with love, but my fiance is very…how should I say this…unmotivated in some aspects and it’s a little disappointing at times because I feel he possesses too much talent to be sitting around. In his defense, he works full-time and is currently working on his MBA and feels that’s enough to handle right now. But in my house we didn’t sleep. Not a day went past that we didn’t do something for someone else, attend some organizational meeting or activity. So when you say take a back seat, in my mind that means letting someone dictate what type of life I want to live.
Now I could have very well taken this completely out of context…I’m having issues in this areas as you can see and it’s scaring me out of my MIND the more I think about it…but I just want to understand what being “obedient” means in terms of being a wife…and for a husband for that matter.
@Harriet - GREAT post! As you can tell I’m long-winded also. But there is so much to reflect upon from what you’ve written…Thank you for your words
@ Jonesi…thanks, sis!
I did want to comment on what you said though, because it, too, inspires reflection.
I’m not sure if this will fit more with the “Lost in Translation” post, but I’m going to say it anyway: your background and that of your fiance make a huge difference. You may need to learn how to relax a little more, and he may need to learn how to take the driver’s seat so you won’t be worried about being a “back seat driver.”
I think your description of one another make for GREAT balance in your relationship, but it will make for some heated discussions to get to that point.
I’m loving all the advice I’m getting! This is great to read. We had a disagreement about the way my fiancé talks to me. I think sometimes it’s the way I’m hearing him though.
@Harriet - I think you summed things up very accurately. I actually read your comment the other day and used your advice this evening…and honestly, taking the back seat isn’t that hard to do. It’s even a little sexy to watch him “tell” me what to do! lmao…seriously though I do need to chill out.
@ jones glory be to God! if it went well, then He gets all the credit…i’m certainly not a marriage or relationship ezpert, and will never claim to be. God just has mad jokes when it comes to my hsuband and I, and I’m blessed to be able to tell them from that point of view.
i mean expert, not ezpert. LOL
Hey Harriet,
This is great stuff. This article makes you want to take “Am I behaving like a flower girl test”. I allow this little girl to surface every so often. Let’s say the whole thing about tending to his clothes. I was raise to be a wife and how to enjoy being just that. A wife is grace to do certain things AND TO CARRY HERSELF a certain way. When you love someone unconditionally you will not find it a chore to maintain your castle but you find pleasure in doing so. And yes sometimes our husbands can make the way you take care of your castle seems like a task than a joy. For example, when I first married my husband he had to have his clothes folded a certain way. O, how he complain about how I washed his clothes. So one day the flower girl came out. What was once a joy to take care of his clothes became a feeling of not being appreciated that they got washed, dried, folded and hung. His clothes began to pile up and when he had time to wash them for his self they never got folded; and if they got folded they stayed there-never put away. Yes I know I work shorter hours and I could do this for him, but what comes easy for me isn’t for him(he’s not grace to do what brings me joy) Ater wacthing this go on for some time I decided to get rid of the flower girl, grow up and do my husband’s laundry. All though I do not take time to fold them a certain way he appreciates my folding them now. Besides the mess and odor is impossible to live around in.
@ Christina,
Yeah, the housework thing has definitely been a bone of contention in our home. I’ve learned to laugh at things and take them with stride, but I can’t stand how cluttered our house is. However, I’m not about to wear myself out going to work all day, coming home, cooking, taking care of our son, cleaning…something has got to give. I’m all about sharing the load, so whenever my husband decides to do so, then our home will be neater. In the meantime, we just ain’t having company! LOL
[...] of my articles like “Back to Life: Surviving the Lost Identity Syndrome,” and “Marriage Ain’t for Ring Bearers and Flower Girls: It’s For Grown Folks!” came from this balanced place. This place was relieved that those torrential seasons in my [...]
When I saw the title of this post…I immediately “got it”. As an early 30 something female, that was married at the age of 18, I can relate to this oh too well. I’m glad to know that someone else “gets it”.
Peace & blessings,
L. J.
Wow, LJ…I’m glad you made it through those years! I hate to admit that I “get it” a little too well at times, but the journey is definitely worth it. :o) Welcome to the site, and God bless!
“If you’re a Christian couple–take a deep breath–you assert that you are the HEAD, and that your wife/flower girl is supposed to submit, cuz that’s what the Bible says.”
Social order calls for a wife to be submissive. Now I’m not saying if a husband gets out of line to just let it slide, but don’t talk over or ignore him because that can be emasculating. We want to marry feminine women, not masculine ones.
FortheMoment,
I wasn’t trying to assert that a man is not supposed to be the head of the household. The point I was trying to make is that it doesn’t do a disagreement any good for a man to tell a woman what she already knows in a Christian marriage. There’s a huge difference between MINISTERING the Word of God and just THROWING it at someone as a weapon. Sometimes Christians confuse when we’re supposed to use the Word as a weapon and when we’re supposed to use it as water to cleanse and rejuvenate.
As far as submission is concerned, it does not come through intimidation and control. It comes through loving a woman strongly enough that she would WANT to submit. It’s a choice for a woman, just like serving Christ is a choice for every individual.
@ Harriet:
But I bet it’s not a choice for a man to have to pay alimony/child support/divorce (because if he doesn’t he goes to jail). How fair is it that women get a choice to be submissive or dominant (chaste or not), when those things are clearly stated in the Christian religion? Why can’t a man have an honest and chaste woman (lieing about their “number”)? Why are they always so ashamed/embarrassed of their past? If you’re ashamed of your past, then that’s a sign you shouldn’t have been doing it and that it’s wrong. Why do men have to just take in all of woman’s bull or else face consequences, but a woman does not have to take any from a man (she can just say she’s bored or cheat or have babies by different men and she won’t be held accountable for it, since she can just say “irreconcilable difference”)? NOT FAIR!
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