Dear BMWK, I’m A Single Mom That Feels Like Damaged Goods!

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on December 18th, 2008 | 12 comments

Dear BMWK,

Hi, i am a huge fan of the blog but i have a topic or a question. I am a 24 yr old single mother i work and i am a full time student.overall i think im a responsible well balanced young women but 3 yrs after my sons birth i am still having a hard time dealing with the fact that his father and i are no together..mind you i was the on who chose to leave the relationship after findingout about his MANY other women but we were high school sweethearts who everyone thought were the quintessential couple….anyways after we broke up i moved back in my parents to finish school (i am a bio major pursuing a career as an anestesiologist ..)andtook some time off to focus on school and my sons father and i get a long very well as friends now .( no baby daddy this and that ) and out of nowhere the man of my dreams fell( baack) into my life…the only real boyfriend i had before my sons father…who was competely in love with me throught our teenage years and who is such an amazing guy but as any teenager knows last guys finish last…except in this case we are back together and completely in love..he respects my situation which is huge given how much he loves me…i want so badly to forgive myself for making the mistakes i made but i know my son was not a mistake…if only i knew then what i kno now….basically my question is,as a single mother how do you prevent ur self from feeling like damaged goods…i know i have soo much to offer but i feel like having a child is considered baggage even though i think my son and i are a gift….how do i forgive myself….?

THEMOM’S VIEW:

Dear reader…I was you…I am you. I was once a single mother in my twenties that found it hard to forgive myself for the poor decisions that I made. For not taking care of myself. For not making better decisions and acting wisely. Why did I choose to have a child with a man that obviously would not be a good father? Why did I do all of those things that disappointed my parents and that sometimes disrespected them. I carried around so much shame and guilt for my past behaviors for a long time.

Not forgiving yourself is definitely unhealthy and it prevents you from truly loving and respecting yourself the way you should. It could lead to depression, trust issues, anger and fear and insecurity for the future (because you don’t trust your own judgment.) It also does not allow you to let go of that past hurt or pain…so you are carrying around that pain all of the time.

To forgive yourself you need to let go of the past hurt and pain. Accept that you are a human being that makes mistakes (just like everyone else.) And most importantly you have to truly know that God forgives you and embrace that fact.

One saying that always helps me is “what does not kill you, will only make you stronger.” I keep that in mind and use that as a tool for learning from my mistakes and growing from them. I accept the mistakes that I made, I choose not to make them again, and now I use what I know to make better decisions. You can’t keep beating yourself up over the mistakes you made in the past. Perhaps you made the best decision that you could make at that time or perhaps you were just being reckless. What really matters now is that you recognize the mistakes and now you can learn from them.

BMWK, what do you think? Do you have any words of encouragement to share?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

King James

Well put mom.

Many ways to look at it. Are you damaged? We can say YES YOU ARE. But so am I… so is MOM and DAD and everyone else. So in essence, you’re normal. I try not to minimize challeges… so if you talk to anyone about her/his life, you’ll see we hae all been ‘damaged.’

On the other hand. I’d say to get over yourself. Welcome to life!! We do some things that we aren’t so proud of you. What can happen is that you’re negative image of yourself can/will come across in your actions. That can affect how your son views you and others and also affect your relationship with your ‘boo.’ That’s not what you want.

Accept the past. do you have a relationship with the One True Living God? Forgiveness is awesome. You job now is to do better than you ever have… and continue striving for that.
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

Wow, you all have turned down my street, and parked right in front of my house. So, of course, I have a few words of encouragement to share.

Reader, I, too, was you. I got pregnant out-of-wedlock when I was 16. Feeling tainted and inadequate, I ran to marriage as a means of redemption and getting back into everyone’s good graces. In the end, I lost my way because I wasted far too many years trying to live down the fact that I’d gotten pregnant at 16.

I became an overachiever in an effort to eradicate the fact that I was a teenage mother THREE times. I was living for everybody else, trying to show them that I was still a good girl, and not your stereotypic teenage mother. That was so tiring.

But, I eventually took back my power by going back to God for His guidance in redefining my life. In doing so, I have renewed purpose–to coach and mentor single moms who are just starting out, or who may be struggling in their journey.

I no longer sabotage my happiness and peace of mind worrying about what other people think about me. I stopped giving others so many options as to how to treat me. They now have one, and that’s with respect because that’s how I treat myself.

And that’s what I want you to do, because I’m willing to bet your feelings are coming from a place of having let people down, including yourself. Stop being so hard on yourself. If you’re with a man who accepts you and your child, then take him at his word that he wants to be there for you. Don’t miss out on your good thing trying to reach some unattainable image of perfection.

All the best.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..Two’s a Crowd: Are Two Baby Daddies Too Many?
Harriet

I don’t have anything to say beyond what has already been said. I think both KJ and Lisa Maria had outstanding points:

- We’re all “damaged” in one way or the other
- God can love the hurt and pain away if you let Him
- Respect yourself

And guess what? You CAN be perfect! The biblical definition of that word means, “Complete…nothing missing and nothing broken.” God said He would perfect that which concerns you. He wants to completely heal and transform that which is concerning you. Let Him!
Anna

We are only as damaged as we allow others to make us feel. It is a myth that “with age comes wisdom”. I know some really dumb old ppl. LOL. We have all made bad decisions. Did the world stop turning? Nope! GOD willing we get to wake up tomorrow and realize what we did, said or even thought of doing was wrong. Life is a “constant” lesson. No need to beat ourselves up over it, even yesterday is now “our past”.
Damajah

Duuhhhh! You are used goods, so get over it! The decision to have a child without a husband, under some childish misconception that things are going to work out, is evidence of your selfishness and immaturity. Any future relationship(s) you have will be predicated on the acceptance of your child, and the willigness of the new guy, to accept, and possibly support, another man’s child. Another aspect is the sense of desperation many single black women with children have, that locks them in a cycle of more bad relationships, and potentially, more children. If nothing else, you serve as a bad example to young women everywhere, who are thinking the exact same thing. I would never marry a woman with a child born out of wedlock, or ever encourage any other man to do so, no matter how much in love they think they are. Think about it this way…if the father of your child thought of you as anything more than a piece of tail, he would have married you. Why shouldn’t other men think the same thing?
Ed Hocks

I never understood why women don’t consider their children mistakes after the father ( WHOM EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER KNEW WAS A BAD PERSON FROM THE START) leaves or is out of the picture. Like most single (damaged goods) mothers ..they had a guy who would have been 100000000% right for them and would have stayed with the mother after 1 , 2 , 3 , or 5 kids…..but the mother choose the other guy?

Again…how are your kids not a mistake? If you would have stuck with the nice guy…the guy who wouuld have been there for you …you would have had kids with a father in their lives. Same story different day where the mother talks about how me and the baby father aren’t together …but I wouldn’t change anything in the world because my baby is beautiful? Give me a break and get some common sense. What these delusional singles mothers SHOULD be saying is …the ONLY thing I would change is MY choice of guys. I should have been with the RIGHT guy and NOT let him go. Me and the RIGHT guy would have kids and I wouldn’t be raising my kids alone.

Sometimes I feel for the single mothers…but I have NO sympathy for a single mother WHO KNEW DAMN WELL the guy was wrong and LEFT a nice guy for the jerk.

So yes….if this rings a bell for any single mothers who are reading this…yes ..YOUR KIDS ARE A MISTAKE and the guy whom you COULD of had a future with would be the biggest SUCKER in the world if he takes you and the next mans kids back. I don’t get why other men would take on another mans’ kids….as if looking at kids who aren’t yours EVERY DAY is a good thing.
Ed Hocks

Yes…you are damaged goods and the sucker that dates a women with kids is damaged goods himself. Every relationship and every guy that comes into your life will now be subject to the test if he and YOUR kid(s) get along? Lmao. These would be the desperate guys who are sooooooo desperate to have a family that they’ll take on another mans kids.

I don’t care how good the girl looks..how smart she is…or how easy she is in bed. If she had kids..that’s the ultimate turn off. I wouldn’t even consider this girl 1 night stand material because I have respect for mothers who have kids with good fathers. Its nasty that mothers are having sex with other men while their kid(by another father) is home…but like I said ..a sucker is born every minute and SOME guys are soooo desperate for ANY type of affection that they’ll go this route.

Again , single mothers ARE damaged goods and the MEN who raise other peoples’ kids have issues as well. I’m talking about the single mothers who knew (and every knew) that the guy was wrong…but they thought he’d change. Good for you ..but hows that working out for you so far? I’m sorry you didn’t give the nice guy a chance to be a good father..but if he has any type of damn sense in him…he’s LAUGHING at you and your retarded situation. You mean after all this …and you being pregnant with another mans kids..NOW you want me back? F off !
Jonesi

I guess I just wonder what was meant by, “If only I knew then, what I know now”. I completely disagree that any child is a mistake, however, being smart about the type of men we choose isn’t rocket science – we women just choose to ignore the red flags that nag our consious. Why? If I knew I would travel the country to share the news. King James is right, the best route is to get over yourself because you aren’t the first nor the last person who has regrets. You are a responsible mother now actively striving to better yourself …focus on that blessing alone
‘Damaged Goods’ 2, just like the rest of these ‘Good’ people

Everyone here (including me) is a SINNER, which makes us ALL ‘damaged goods’. How do you forgive yourself? You can go about doing this 2 ways:
(1) Ask God for the knowledge and wisdom to do so OR (2) Try doing it without God.

Peace.
oneal

I don’t date women with kids because I’m 25 year old black male and I have avoided having my own and now I don’t have any even though I want MY OWN the kids of these used and abused mothers don’t have home training most of the time and its weird for the man to discipline because its not his job and he does not know how long he will be around the kid and his mom so why say something if you not going to follow up on it yes they are damaged goods don’t they look like it the good area is damaged because someone 5 to 8 pounds is busting out of it I like instant coffee grits oatmeal not life
Harriet

I’m really disappointed in the judgmental attitude of some of the comments here.

First and foremost, NO ONE has the right to predict a person’s future based on one isolated moment of failure. That “moment of failure” for some women resulted in the birth of a child, and in that, we see the most beautiful illustration of God’s grace.

Comments like having children out of wedlock is, “evidence of selfishness,” and “how are your kids not a mistake?” and that single mothers don’t have “home training” is some straight up bull.

Saying that men who choose to date and marry women who have children is a slap in the face of Lamar and E. Payne and any other brother who is man enough to accept the challenge of raising a child that he did not father because BEING A FATHER TO A CHILD IS STILL IMPORTANT, whether that child is biologically his or not.

This woman asked an honest question, and although some of the answers reflect honesty based on a terribly short sighted, myopic and selfish mindset, I think if we are to respond, it should be with some kind of compassion and empathy not only for her feelings, but for her worth and value as a person.
Sassyycute

Here’s my daily motivation (we all fall short at times). Give this a try 1st thing everyday:

The Ten Other Commandments (written & designed by Bobette Bryan, 2001)

1. THOU SHALT NOT WORRY NEEDLESSLY ABOUT MISTAKES.
Your aren’t unworthy or incapable just because you made some
mistakes. Remember that mistakes are necessary for growth.

2. THOU SHALT NOT CONTROL THINGS.
Your way is not always the best way. Remain openminded and don’t
worry if things don’t go as expected.

3. THOU SHALT NOT BLAME OTHERS
Don’t make others responsible for your happiness. You are in control of your
happiness and you can choose to make the day a positive one.

4. THOU SHALT NOT WORRY
Don’t worry others about the things that you can’t change or have no control over.
Have faith that storms never last long and tomorrow will be brighter.

5. THOU SHALT NEVER SURRENDER
You must try to climb that hill even when it seems too steep.
No matter how difficult the task seems, it’s better to try than to
wonder if you have succeeded.

6. THOU SHALT GROW
Never think that you have to stay where you are in life.
Every new day offers an opportunity for change.

7. THOU SHALT NOT JUDGE OTHERS HARSHLY
Try to accept other people for who they are. Just because
someone is different from you doesn’t mean they are inferior.
Everyone was created in God’s image.

8. THOU SHALT NOT FRET OVER OTHERS’ OPINIONS
Not everyone will like you and some people will criticize you but you must not feel unworthy.
You need no one’s approval to be you.

9. THOU SHALT NO DOUBT YOUR ABILITY
You should always have faith in yourself.
Refuse to give the negative voice in your head an audience.

10. THOU SHALT NOT FIX THE WORLD
It’s good to help others but remember that you can’t fix everyone’s problems.