Jonesi’s Journey – Bridal Party Blues

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by Lamar Tyler | on December 24th, 2008 | 9 comments

Ok, it isn’t as dramatic as it sounds but anyone who has had a wedding knows there is inevitable conflict that comes along with dealing with your bridal party. First, I have to acknowledge that this has been a pretty smooth process this early in the game and everyone, for the most part, has been very responsive and supportive. But from the very beginning I knew this wouldn’t be easy. Let me start from the beginning…..

Initially my fiancé begged me to keep the wedding party small (four on each side) and I knew this wouldn’t be an easy task, yet I attempted to honor his request. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that there is a bit of “political correctness” that goes along with making these types of choices. For instance, I don’t agree with siblings not being included. But, other than that, everyone else is up for discussion – or so I thought. (Family will find a way to make it known who they feel deserves a spot!)

I didn’t struggle with whom to pick initially, but rather how to explain to others why they weren’t. I knew from the beginning there were a few family members I wanted to include by my side but never in a million years did I think they would reject my offer. I mean how do you deal with family saying no? What does that mean? Yes I’m aware of each person’s reasoning, but nonetheless I can admit it’s made this process more complicated than I was prepared for. On top of that, how do you deal with friends who aren’t financial equipped to handle the cost necessary to participate? Do you take the chance and pray they don’t bail out at the last minute? These are ALL the issues that make eloping seem so enticing (lol).

But I’m still having a wedding so I just have to find ways to get through this yet there is one issue that really caught me by surprise – Bridesmaids vs. Hostesses! Unfortunately, I didn’t know “hostess” was a dirty word to some people (lol). Not making light of the situation but it really can be quite offensive to someone who feels they deserve a premiere position as a bridesmaids – but that’s just the thing; I didn’t know being a bridesmaids was more elite. Of course they are front and center with the bride but I didn’t realize there was a connotation of importance associated with either spot. Honestly, being a bridesmaid in my mind seems more of a hassle and when a friend said she felt hostesses were for people you don’t really care about I was in total disagreement. She really felt slighted by the thought of being a hostess and I really couldn’t believe I was so clueless. I plan to treat my hostesses no different; the only real difference is that they won’t be walking down an aisle with a bouquet.

I’m sure this is just the beginning of many fun events when dealing with my girls, but at the end of the day we all have to find a way back to reality once this day is over.
~Jonesi~

BMKW Family – Share your experiences as wedding participants; Do you think there is an unspoken level of importance conveyed by being a bridesmaid or a hostess? Have you ever resented a bride for asking you to be a hostess? As a bride what kind of bridal party drama did you deal with and how did you go about choosing your bridal party?

Check back regularly as we chronicle Jonesi’s trip to the alter here on Blackandmarriedwithkids.com! Click here to see Jonesi’s previous posts.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

I don’t do bridesmaids, hostesses or any of that cause I want to wear my own clothes and be on my own time. Also, when I got married I didn’t have a wedding party because I didn’t want to coordinate anybody but me. This, I’m sure, is why our wedding came off on time with little to no drama. Honestly, I don’t get the point to bridesmaids and groomsmen.
Harriet

I’m with Sing. I had a maid of honor and that was IT. I wasn’t the kind of girl who grew up wanting a fairy tale wedding.

BUT…

If that’s what you want, and you want it to go perfectly, I have no doubts you’ll find a way to make it work. Just don’t be another episode of Bridezilla, OK? Do that for me. LOL
Anna

It takes so much work to plan a wedding. I get exhaused just by reading(but I do enjoy it). I was a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding, being as tall as I am I had to walk out first. I passed by my brother and he said “hey cat”. I felt at ease and could not stop laughing. My son was the ring barier(he was 6, I will never see him in a tux again) my youngest 4 was one of 2 flower girls and my 8 yr old was the receptionist who had the guests sign the wedding book. I served so many plates at the wedding that I never ate myself. The food was catered but my brothers mother-in-law did make her own dishes. There was not only prime rib but greens and dressing. It was a mid May wedding and the following year I eloped. My brothers wife, my sister-in-law is my version of Michelle Obama, while my brother is like Doug from “King Of Queens. Opposites do attract. There is always that one family member that can stir things up. My dad was flirting with my ex hubbys girl friend. A wedding is a family/friends affair. It brings us all together. At the end of the day we realize that it was not about us but for the bride and the groom. My brother and his wife are still married and have a house in the “burbs”, but still visit little ole me in the zip code I/ we all grew up in.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheMom

I think you are doing all of the right things. People are always going to complain and not be satisfied with what you ask them to do.

I would explain to my friends that I have to keep the wedding small and that brothers and sisters need the braidsmaids/groomsmen slots. But..that I really wanted them to participate in my wedding and therefore I wanted them to be hostess. If they can’t respect that, then you just have to say oh well and move on…you can’t let other people’s issues ruin your wedding planning or your wedding day. I really enjoyed my wedding planning process….so I would say don’t let drama ruin that experience either.

My cousins were happy to be my hostesses because they wanted to anything to help me on my special day….and that meant a lot to me.

TheMoms last blog post..Show Me Your Friends, I’ll Show You Your Future?
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

I say you’re the boss so don’t trip off of anyone else. Do it the way you want and let the chips fall where they may. None of these people are helping to pay or doing anything more than showing up on that day so it’s really up to you and your fiance.

TheDads last blog post..Show Me Your Friends, I’ll Show You Your Future?
TheMom’s Cousin

Keep one thing in mind during the entire wedding planning process — Those people who REALLY wish you peace and happiness in your marriage and TRULY have your back will do whatever it takes to make your day a memorable one. Don’t take rejection personally — if they say no, just move on.
EnT Love

When we got married, I only had a maid of honor. One of my other very close friends was a hostess. I also did not pick colors per se. I only asked that the ladies be dressed in fall colors. I chose the mens tux colors. Whatever colors they chose that were fall related were fine. The wedding was beautiful, easy, low stress, and we are now navigating the waters of marriage and family. REMEMBER: Follow your own path, this is your day! Congrats!
blaze

I just got married on Dec.5th, I’m so glad that the day is over. In the begining things were running pretty well. It wasn’t until the last two weeks, when things fell apart. The best man cancelled at the last minute, for no reason at all, well he had a reason , but it wasn’t “the” reason. he claims, that he told us months prior that he could not be in the wedding because there was too much confusion!!
bullcrap!! the so called confusion he is talkintg about is the changing of the wedding colors. Yes I changed the colors, and? it’s my wedding. I changed the colors because I moved the date up.It went from a spring wedding to a fall wedding, so naturally I changed from lavender to chocolate and cream. what really pissed me off was that he knew the reason why i changed the date and it wasn’t because i felt like it or i had nothing else to do with my time.My dad had stage four lung cancer, and I really wanted my dad to be there, and to walk me my husband, so i pushed the date up and,my dad didn’t make it he passed away nov.22nd, anyway, the real reason for him not attending the wedding was because he couldn’t afford it, he could have just said that to me ahead of time so that i could get someone to replace him, which I did anyway, “Thanks brother”, then four days before the wedding, my best friend, I mean my real best friend of 16 years, called me with some bullcrap bout not being able to get the time off from work. Mind you,she was the first person to know about the wedding, and had more than enough time to get the days she needed, so now I had no matron of honor, but what i did was move my sister up to maid of honor, from bridesmaid, and added my 16 year old daughter as a bridesmaid.At the end of the day I was happy with the outcome. what I will say is this: hire a wedding consultant, mine was very helpful outside of my unreliable wedding party.
Jonesi

@Blaze – WOW!!!!!!!! I just can’t even imagine all this happening on such a special day. You know, I had a talk with each bridesmaid and abasolutely made sure each person really wanted to be apart from their heart. This isn’t just a party for me so I take each person’s participation very seriously. I am doing all I can not to take on the mentality that “I just want to get this over” but it gets like that some days. I don’t have an overall wedding planner to cut cost (though the “budget” is kinda blown it seems) but I do have a coordinator for the reception….it will all work out though. I am not really frustrated or stressed but moreso annoyed by some things going on.