Vulnerability

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on December 31st, 2008 | 11 comments

What does the baggage that we carry into our marriages entail? I’m sure all of us have been betrayed or hurt in the past. We all, at one point or another, thought the entire world should center around us and our way of thinking. Mindsets that center around nothing but us as individuals do not leave much room for vulnerability in our relationships, but I posit that vulnerability and ultimate trust is mandatory for a successful marriage.

In my experience as an Army brat, I learned how to allow others to get close enough to know me, but not close enough to experience the pain of having to watch them leave two to three years later. Couple that with a career as a military officer, where concern for others’ feelings was irrelevant when it came to getting the mission completed, I had plenty of baggage that prevented me from totally trusting and being vulnerable with my husband.

There are others who have been betrayed and hurt by those who were supposed to love them the most, whether it was their parents, or first spouse or best friend. The person you trusted the most with your Achilles’ heel is the very person who turned it on you and used it against you. What happens when that person is the one you go to bed and wake up with?

If you have walls up or baggage prior to getting married, it’s important that you attempt to resolve those issues prior to saying “I do.” However, here are some tools I used in my marriage to remove the impenetrable walls I had up even after I got married:

I had realize that no one is an island…not even me. I learned to surround myself with other women and couples that had the ability to coach me through the issues that plagued me.
I learned to have either a horizontal or vertical sounding board. There’s no point in me seeking advice and counsel from someone who either cannot relate, or has been through what I’m going through, but took immoral measures to resolve it.
I had to keep the lines of communication open with my spouse.
I had to realize that speaking about my feelings and weaknesses is not easy…but I can write about them all day. I used to write letters to my husband when I felt like I couldn’t verbalize what I was feeling.
We have a game called “Fan the Flames.” It has cards that open dialog not only about what we desire not only sexually, but emotionally as well. I would pull that game out and take the time to explore one another’s emotions.

It has not always been a pleasure to break walls down with my husband, especially when he used to throw things back in my face, causing me to run away from intimacy with him. However, with help from the Lord, who never, EVER failed me, I learned how to keep pressing without fainting when it got difficult. The labor of tearing the walls down and getting rid of the baggage was worth the harvest of intimacy and ultimate vulnerability with him now.

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet is a hilariously joyful married woman who resides in northeast Louisiana with her husband who is a restaurant manager. She works for a local University and along with her husband is the proud parent of a 3 year old son and a 10 year old stepson (who lives in NC).

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

King James

Hey naw lady… don’t be shortening your posts for me! lol j/k

Good stuff. I really enjoyed your 5 points.. not sure which I like the most as they are all great.

It is very important to find YOUR and YOUR SPOUSE’s/ sig. other’s preferred method of communication. Many of us are better writing things out… or talking right then or talking lady or showing how we feel. I’m still getting comfy with mine and working on using others depending on whom I’m with. Takes time and effort for sure.

Thanks for sharing.
Hey, what does ‘help from the Lord’ mean in this case? You know you have to explain that Christian-ese language… for others.. and ME!!!!
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

Great post Harriet. I’ll have to check out that Fan The Flames game. Sounds interesting.

I know we always say it but communication is so important and not just you communicating but understanding how your spouse communicates also. That goes a long way.

TheDads last blog post..Vulnerability
Harriet

Hey, KJ!

Some things don’t require a whole lot of words. LOL

Seriously, though, this is a tough topic for me. I’ve never had all the answers, and for a time, it was tough for me not to hold grudges against my husband or become bitter and totally shut down.

As far as “help from the Lord” is concerned, there are a couple of things I had to commit to doing with Him in order to prevent remaining bitter or totally shutting down:

- I got in 1 Corinthians 13 (the chapter about God’s love) and did a personal assessment. Am I patient? Check. Am I kind? Check. Do I hold no records of wrongs? I could work on that, so I wrote that one down. I kept going through the chapter and wherever I felt like I was falling short, I wrote it down. Then, whatever the issue was, I found out what the Word said about it. I also sought wisdom from my pastors/mama so they could hold me accountable to developing within myself godly character

- I committed to praying for my husband, whether he and I were on good terms or not. The most humbling (yet effective) thing the Lord did inside of me was to do that when he and I were at the worst kind of odds. I remember one day wanting to pray to the Lord to kill him. LOL But while I was in my prayer time, the Lord began to show me areas in my character that needed to be killed. How can you argue with that? It’s God! He knows everything.

- I studied God’s love for His people, especially when I felt like I was being done wrong. Man, God got angry, He removed His hand of protection, He even stopped speaking for a little while. But HE NEVER LEFT. He NEVER turned His back. He always had a plan to redeem the people He had given so much to, even though they were bent on being unappreciative and ungrateful.

- I took it literally when God says we will do greater things than He did while He was on the earth. That goes beyond just the outward signs, wonders and miracles. His character was impeccable and unassailable, and I committed to developing the closest thing I could to that, even in my marriage with a person who sees the REAL me, chinks and all.

I said all that to answer your question. I fully realize that everyone who reads this work is not Christian, which is why I made my point so short. But since you asked an honest question, I had to give you an honest (and LONG) answer.
http://politicalmusic.wordpress.com Political Pete

Awesome write up.

Explain what the fan the flames game is about.

Political Petes last blog post..Quote of the Year
Harriet

@ Pete,

http://www.boardgames.com/fanflames.html describes the game pretty well:

“This wonderfully romantic game is perfect for any two people who want to light the fires of romance and keep them burning brightly! Players will have fun discovering each other’s romantic preferences and sharing each other’s fantasies.

Before you start to play, you’ll want to create the setting. Set aside a private time and place to play. Try soft lighting (such as candlelight) and a pleasant music for a romantic mood. Have some tasty treats and your favorite beverages on hand. All these suggestion will heighten the game’s romantic experience!

At the start of the game, each of you writes a secret wish on the Wish card, – something you would like to enjoy with their partner at the end of the game; something you think will Fan the Flames.

Each of you then take turns picking Guess Cards, trying to guess each other’s answers to entertaining, interesting and playful questions.”

You can find some of the sample cards at http://www.timefortwo.com/cgi-bin/SoftCart.exe/catalog/games/fanflame_card.html?L+scstore+wtwt3876+1230834567.

It’s a lot of fun, and it opens up intimacy and romance while simultaneously showing you how you can understand your spouse more. I love it!
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheMom

Thanks Harriet. That was a great post. TheDad said I had a WALL when we first started dating. He said it took some work for him to break down my wall. I agree with him.

But I am so glad I let my guard down and opened up to him. Communication was very key to accomplishing that.

TheMoms last blog post..Vulnerability
http://www.theduckwalk.com Gwen Jimmere

it’s difficult to be vulnerable especially when you are aware of how you can be taken advantage of. I find myself utilizing a “wall”, like TheMom talked about. I think walls are healthy in the beginning, as boundaries are needed. But you’ve gotta eventually break it down piece by piece as trust is earned if you expect to have any kind of solid relationship. Great post, Harriet!

Gwen Jimmeres last blog post..Bria Myles – Who’s That Girl
Harriet

@ Gwen,

You’re right. A large reason why I refused to be vulnerable at the beginning of my marriage was because it was so foreign to me. I was used to holding my own and not allowing anyone to take advantage of me. Boundaries, as you stated, are absolutely imperative when you’re single.

But when you get married, the boundaries shift, especially in the emotional arena. They are still required, because if I push my husband’s buttons on purpose, I can’t expect that he’ll be willing to open up to me and maintain communication, since he’ll think I’m trying to purposely upset him.

However, that’s where inherent trust and communication are so important. It’s really difficult to keep from shutting down if you can’t trust that your spouse will not use the weaknesses that only he or she know about against you.

Great points, and thanks!
Butterly

Awesome! Man we both had dem’ same walls up 2 in our marriage. It’s so great that you are sharing your testimony w/ others. Now about that there game. I must use that cause we’ve been heated as is and a game like that would keep me begging for more. (TMI)
KoKo

great post harriet. i believe it is true that vulnerablity, communication, and trust is a big issue when it comes to marriage. successful marriages is what we are all looking forward too. love ya!
Christina

Hi Harriet,
You are doing great. Usually I have a lot to say, but i think I’ll comment later on this subject. A tearing down of walls is necessary for healing and discovery to take place, but let’s be real it is a humbling and hurtful process. Especially if you and your spouse have not arrive to that point yet. No one wants to be naked before someone they have yet to trust(whatever the reason the mistrust is there). I really do feel you have to get to the point of trust before you let certain walls down or being naked can destroy your trust altogether.

Vulnerability

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