How to Resolve a Dispute About Money With Your Spouse

This article comes courtesy of our friends over at peoplejam.com:

When I first got married, I noticed that my wife and I bickered about small nuances of everyday life, but we never had major disagreements. We hardly ever fought about children, religion, or our moral values. We shared the same philosophy about these major topics of life. That’s not to say, however, that we never fought about our finances. She’s much more frugal than I am, so we typically disagree about how money should be allocated. But, we both agree that we want to pay off our debt quickly and save aggressively for our retirement. We both want to budget our money out monthly, and we both keep each other in check when it comes to spending.

Many spouses and dating partners, however, completely disagree about how to handle money. This is a big deal, and you shouldn’t avoid the situation. When you have a dispute over finances, make every effort to resolve the situation quickly.

There are three typical situations when it comes to a disagreement between spouses:

1. One spouse shuts down, and submits to the other spouse’s idea.

2. Both spouses shut down, then the situation builds up until one spouse makes a hasty decision about their money without advising the other spouse.

3. Neither spouse backs down from their position, and the financial dispute quickly becomes a personal dispute that leads to worse marital problems.

Here are three steps to take to resolve a financial dispute between you and your spouse:

Listen to each other

No, I mean, genuinely listen to each other’s side of the argument. Just sitting there with your ears open does not constitute listening. Active listening means that you are asking follow up questions to your spouse’s point of view about a financial decision. Once you hear where each of you is coming from, it’s much easier to make a compromise that fits both of your philosophies about your money. We tend to hear only the things we want to hear, rather than giving our spouse’s point of view a fair shot. Clear your mind of your own biases, and try to hear what your spouse is saying. You’ll be surprised at how easily a dispute can be quelled just from active listening.

Play Devil’s Advocate: Write Down the Pros and Cons To Each Decision

This sounds like something you would do in the first grade, but it can work. Once you see the benefits and consequences on paper of the financial decision in question, it’s easier to figure out which decision to make. Take out a piece of paper, write down the benefits and consequences of each one of your sides of the argument. Then, count whose side has more benefits and whose has more consequences. This won’t solve the argument, but it might help you and your spouse see the rational elements of both arguments.

Seek Advice from a Third Party

You don’t have to pay a financial professional to get wise advice. Seek out a family member, friend, or co-worker that you both trust to give you wise financial advice. If you don’t know anyone that can do that, you may want to seek out a financial planner to help you solve your dispute. If your answer turns out to be right based on the advice from a third-party, remember not to rub it in your spouse’s face that you were right. It will only make the situation worse. Make sure you don’t rely solely on someone else’s advice for your personal finance decisions. Many couples let their financial advisor make all of their decisions for them. It’s your money, and you should always have control of your money. Use a financial planner as a tool, not a crutch.

Part of getting married is making sacrifices for the good of your marriage. Seek to be a more selfless individual, and you will find that you and your spouse will fight less often. If you listen to each other, weight the costs and benefits of a decision, and seek advice from a third party, you will make more sound financial decisions as a couple. Money is the root of over 50% of divorces in North America. Money can destroy a marriage if you are not on the same page about it. It’s okay to have disagreements, but how you handle them will determine the health of your marriage.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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