Oh No….Here She Comes, Whining Again!
Do you know a person that is always complaining? They are always asking for advice, but then they dismiss every suggestion that you give them.
Friend: “I need a new job.”
You: “Oh really…you should checkout careerbuilder.com. I used that site to find many great job leads before.”
Friend: “I don’t have a resume.”
You: “I will give you a copy of my resume. Also, check out the internet as they have some great example resumes.”
Friend: “That wouldn’t help because I just don’t have enough experience in my field.”
You: “Perhaps while you are looking for a job, you should take a few classes or try to get certified in your profession.”
Friend: “I don’t have time to take a class. By the time I get off of work, take care of the kids, and cook dinner, I am too tired.”
This can go on and on and on. You are throwing out suggestions and this person is swatting them back at you like a tennis ball. This can be quite exhausting. Which is why sometimes I try to avoid people like that…people that are always complaining and that never want to take any advice or consider any positive action towards changing their situation. Martha Beck calls people like this Help Resisters. You may know a person like this…or from time to time, you might find your self resisting help when you are faced with a difficult decision. Martha says:
One of my personal mottoes is “Love it, leave it, or lead it.” When faced with a problem, I allow myself these three options—and only these three. “Love it” means peacefully accept whatever’s happening. If that’s not possible, I may be able to “leave it,” simply walk away from the whole dilemma. The third option, “lead it,” requires that I recognize and use whatever power I have (even if I feel helpless). If I can’t devise a solution on my own, I must “lead” my helpers by asking clear, purposeful questions and taking good advice when I get it. I’ve found that the “three Ls” are invaluable when you find yourself trading volleys with someone who doesn’t want to change.
Here are some examples that Martha gives on how to Love it, Leave it or Lead it when you are faced with a help resister:
Loving It: The Pollyanna Response
If someone you like goes into a spate of help resistance, try loving your way out. Say something like this: “Well, that’s quite a conundrum, but I know you’ll figure it out. You’re so smart and resourceful. Go for it!”
This response will frustrate most help resisters, who often want sympathy and concern, not cheerleading. They might plead with you, saying: “But I’m really worried! I don’t know what to do!” If this happens, just keep reiterating your support, like Pollyanna at a pep rally: “Yes, and I’m absolutely positive you’ll do the right thing. Hooray for you!”
Leaving It: The Guy Response
If you have no interest in maintaining cordial relations with people who resist help, there’s a quick way to get them to leave you alone—forever. I also call this the Guy Response, because men (who aren’t cursed with the so-called “tend and befriend” hormones that make us females offer sweaters and sandwiches to people who are actively burglarizing our homes) often do it naturally. To use the Guy Response, listen as the person describes the problem, then say: “Wow, sounds like you’re screwed. Have you seen my car keys?”
If the friend keeps trying to get your attention (“Are you listening to me? I’ve got a problem here!”), you can say, “I think I left them in the car. I’m going to check.” Then leave.
These “leave it” reactions are extremely effective, and can be quite enjoyable if you don’t mind being crossed off a few holiday greeting-card lists. Wherever you want to avoid that side effect, try the more complex and thoughtful “lead it” strategy.
Leading It: The Constructive Response
When someone you really love goes into help-resistance mode, it may be time for you to lead the situation. In this case, that means asking for the information you need to be genuinely helpful. Say something like this:
“I can tell you need some kind of support from me, but I’m not exactly sure what it looks like. Do you want me to help you brainstorm solutions? Should I just be a neutral backboard, so you can bounce ideas off me? Or do you just need someone to understand how frustrated you’re feeling? Tell me what you need. I’m here for you 100 percent.”
If you say this sincerely, even many people who habitually resist help will stop mindlessly backhanding your ideas and think through their real desires. This creates an atmosphere of honesty and relaxation, where real problem solving is most likely to occur—and it also improves your relationship. In tennis scoring, I believe they call it “love.”
For all of Martha’s details on how to deal with help resistors ( even when the help resistor is you) check out Martha’s article on Oprah.com. Martha says using the 3 Ls will not only cut down on the amount of resistance, whining and excuse making from people that ask you for help, but it will also assist you when you experience moments of indecision.
I have been wanting a new job/career since April since I was given a new assignment that required me to work with people in other countries. It is killing me to work all day with my US customer and then work a few hours at night too with my team that is a different time zone. At first I was complaining about it all of the time. But TheDad used a combination of the Leave it and the Lead It on me. He basically told me that my situation was screwed up and asked me what I was going to do about. We actually discussed all of the obstacles that I had built for myself…like “what are we going to do about childcare if my new job has a long commute?” After we talked about the situation and came up with great options, I stopped complaining about needing another job. Do I have a new job…no…because I really have not put the effort into the search. But, I don’t whine about it anymore (well mostly 
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BMWK family – Do you know a help resistor? What do you do when you a person like this coming? Are you a help resister?
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