Turn off the lights…Light a candle…

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on January 8th, 2009 | 6 comments

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer from Ohio, where she lives with her husband and two kids. Visit her blog, TheYoungMommyLife.com, for daily musings about the issues young moms face.

What is it about parenthood that makes romance so hard? Is it the never ending stream of poop and vomit? Is it the sheer level of exhaustion at the end of the day that makes it hard to do anything other than to collapse into bed at the first opportunity?

I’m not sure what it is, but I’m fighting with every ounce I have left. While me and my husband are still considered newlyweds (19 months and counting!), we certainly don’t act like it most days. More often than not, we’re bickering with each other, getting on each other’s nerves. But we do love each other. More than anything. I married that man because I believed we had what it took to stay together when times are good and bad, happy or sad.

But when you have two kids, the effort it takes to be nice to one another increases. I find it hard to be happy to see him after a long day at work if I know he’s going to head straight to the couch to watch SportsCenter and I haven’t sat down all day. It’s hard for him to be nice to me, if all I do is nag him about taking the diapers outside and picking up the kids’ prescriptions.

But we try to keep that spark alive, the same spark that enabled us to have two kids in the four years we’ve known each other. Our date nights are usually pretty straightforward affairs – dinner at Olive Garden, maybe a movie. Sometimes we even spice it up by going to Target! (I know you’re jealous.) I have to admit it’s easier when we’re alone to feel that same glow I felt four years ago.

But the kids are here and aren’t going away, so we’ll have to find a way to keep the romance alive even when the kids are still awake. Wish us luck!

BMWK, what do you do to spice up your marriage or relationship?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Harriet

Tara, you read my mind! I wrote something similar for an upcoming article as well.

For my husband and I, we’re very spontaneous. It’s difficult to do that with a child, but once he goes to sleep, it’s picnics in the living room and movies on the DVD. We haven’t had a lot of time to be romantic, so when the opportunity arises, we go for it with gusto.

Nevertheless, we have found that conversation stokes the fires, as well as intimacy, where we take time out to understand one another. Our communication with one another still needs some work, but it’s eons better than it was even just six months ago.

We also found a website that showed us multiple positions and massages we could use in the bedroom (it was in good taste, with computer generated images, and not real couples) that kept the fires burning in the bedroom as well.

As a Christian couple, we don’t believe that life has to be dull and boring. Even with money issues surrounding us, we’re going to find a way to have fun with one another and enjoy our company. It’s imperative.
Harriet

BUT, I can definitely relate to the frequent bickering. It gets old! Our bishop once taught us a lesson about taking advantage of monumental moments. For example, when you accidentally brush up against one another in the rush of daily living, do you cherish that? Do you take advantage of it and take the time to embrace, share a deep kiss and say “I love you,” or do you keep it moving and get annoyed because your spouse was in your way? The former keeps the flames stoked. The latter makes for annoyance and irritation. One is monumental, the other is mundane.

So even in small things like that, married couples have the choice to enjoy themselves (even in sickness, health, rich, poor, better, worse) or succumb to a dry, lifeless existence.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

@ Harriet – So true! I love having picnics on the floor and doing romantic stuff like that. It’s part of the reason I’m so strict about bedtime! (8 p.m. on the dot those kids need to be in the bed with their eyes closed!) LOL.

My husband and I don’t bicker nearly as much as we used to. I used to go to bed in tears nearly every night because I was unhappy about something. Part of it I’d like to blame on postpartum hormones, but part of it was that I lost sight of what marriage really is (or perhaps I hadn’t fully grasped it yet!)

And yes, we’ve got all those “goodies” in our bedroom, too. Isn’t marriage grand?

Tara
http://theyoungmommylife.com

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Bonding with the childless chicks
Leslie

I assumed this post would be about trading electricity for candlelight in an effort to save energy costs. Boy, was I wrong. It was still interesting and amusing though. Sou solteira (I’m single)…very happily single, and have nothing of substance to offer. Hope everyone’s had a great day!
http://viewofamom.blogspot.com/ Shannon

I too am married with two kids, a five year old and a 7 month old. In the evening, when the kids are asleep my husband and I usually end the night with a quick kiss and then backs turn as we go to sleep, exhausted. It is SO hard to keep that spark going. We have date nights once a month. We send the kids to the grandparents and court each other. Whether it’s a nice jazz club, dinner and a movie or just a quiet night at home, we make time for just us. It’s essential because it’s so easy to get lost in being parents that you forget to be husband and wife sometimes.
Anna

It is not easy to keep the spice in a marriage with young kids. My hubby has always taken a back seat to my kids and their friends. The youngest kid is in her 3rd year in college and I do have to tell all parents, “kids do grow up and leave the nest and the home is left with the two ppl who set the foundation”. I have been married for almost a dozen years but I have never felt like the bride still in her honeymoon stages as I do now.

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Leslie said:
I assumed this post would be about trading electricity for candlelight in an effort to save energy costs. Boy, was I wrong.
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Funny comment. But it is fun to pretend the power is out and light all the candles that are only being used as decoration. Just make sure the candles you light are not the ‘holiday’ ones that smell like pumkin pie or sweet potato pie because hubby will expect you to get in the kitchen and whip him one up real quick. LOL.