It’s Over Now Give Up That Kiss!

Relationships

by Ronnie Tyler | on January 9th, 2009 | 23 comments

TheDad gave me the best kiss ever on New Year’s Eve. It seriously sent chills up my spine. It was very intimate. It’s like our kisses are getting better and better the longer we are together. He kisses me every morning before he leaves for work and every evening when he returns from work. And I’ve said this on the site before, I cherish every kiss.

I am still thinking about that New Year’s Eve kiss a few days later (hence this post.) He’s got me singing Robin Thick all week ( I got the sweetest love…there ain’t nothing sweeter.. I got the sweeeeetest love…..) Anyway I don’t know the words. But it’s something like that.

Kissing is so intimate. I am wondering how many couples still kiss. I mean really kiss each other (bust the slob ) Or, how about holding hands, or hugging throughout the day.. Do you call each other on the phone throughout the workday just to say “Hi. I miss you?” What about sending an email to your spouse that only says: “I love you” or “I miss you?” An email like that would literally take 10 seconds to write. Being intimate with your partner means more than just being sexual. It is also means connecting with your partner emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.

It can be really easy to lose the intimacy in a relationship, especially if you let matters of everyday life get in the way. A busy schedule, stress from work, resentment from household chores that are not getting done, and activities with kids are all things that can make you ignore or not feel like doing the little things with your partner that could keep intimacy alive in your relationship.

Intimacy is a key factor for a strong family and a healthy relationship. Studies are now showing that the loss of intimacy and affection are major factors that can lead to divorce (even more than arguments and a lack of respect for each other.) Without intimacy even the smallest of problems can seem like big problems.

Here are a few tips that I found throughout the web on how to keep intimacy alive in your relationship:

*Express your affection frequently, through hugs, kisses, cuddling, small gifts, and special favors.
* Communicate effectively. Share your feelings, talk through issues in the relationship, and be honest (without being hurtful). Keep your partner up-to-date on what’s happening in all areas of your life – even the little stuff.
* Be supportive and encouraging, so your spouse feels safe sharing his or her thoughts, feelings, and emotions, too.
* Find a project or hobby to enjoy together.
* Plan for your shared future, focusing on exciting and positive goals that you can work toward together.
* Have a date night.
* Remember that good sex and romance begin while your clothes are still on.
* Don’t make sex too serious. Have fun. Make it a time for renewal of intimacy.

And here is a tip that I picked up from TheDad: “It’s over, now give up the kiss.” He’s not going to let me walk around here acting mad for too long. Acting like you are mad at each other for days and ignoring each other and not hugging or talking is just not happening around here. If we can’t come to an agreement right away, we are still not going to let a disagreement get in the way of our relationship.

BMWK family, are you still intimate in your relationship? How do you keep the flame going? What are some simple ways to keep the intimacy f lowing?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and their latest documentary Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

King James

I like the mentality behind ‘It’s over, now give up the kiss.’

Um… so um.. er.. um.. Dad, (what’s ur name again, i feel funny calling you that… and it has NOTHING to do with my dad not being around since i was a lil boy and not really being much help once I got older, just calling me to ask for money and never to just shoot the bridge or repair a relationship or even start one, i guess you would have to start one in order to have something to repair but I still remember times when…wait, dang, sorry to getting off course. but yeah, what’s ur name? lol)

so yeah, DAD, do you really enjoy kissing? Like really? I personally wasn’t into kissing coming up, but I started to do it more and ‘better’ because I knew my lady enjoyed it and it meant much to her.

Oh, great tips MOM!
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

These are GREAT tips!

My husband and I are buying a house and we have never felt closer.

I’ve never really enjoyed kissing because it always seemed to lead to something else (and quite frankly, I’m tired of being pregnant..LOL) but lately we have been more affectionate and I love it! It is so important to remember how hot it used to be in the beginning and how hot it can be a few years in because you know each other so well.

Tara
http://theyoungmommylife.com

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Bonding with the childless chicks
http://stellarsassysocial.blogspot.com elle denise

LMAO!@ “bust the slob” Dude, that was so gross!

I often talk about keeping the intimacy alive in relationships. I’ve heard from several married folks (male & female) that things change after the wedding bells stop ringing & the little feet start to “pitter patter”.

My advice: don’t change. If you liked to kiss & hug when we were dating, don’t stop now! I need the same, if not more, levels of affection that you gave me from the get-go. Sometimes, a hug is better than words… (to me, anyways)

elle denises last blog post..Friday FREEbie: Local Wine Events
gina

I love kissing — but never really, honestly liked how my DH kisses*. So we don’t do it much, except for the little smooches when we leave for or come home from work. I really do love his hugs, though!

*and yes, I tried “teaching” him — it doesn’t take.
http://stellarsassysocial.blogspot.com elle denise

“Smooches” is how stuff gets started. LOL!

*cracks knuckles* (sike, let me stop…) I’ve taught 3 guys how to kiss. The teaching part is the best! Once they get the hang of it, you feel proud (or something, LOL)

Then again, if you don’t have patience for that sorta thing, it might suck. LOL

elle denises last blog post..Friday FREEbie: Local Wine Events
Harriet

I’m with Gina. I love to embrace my husband, though.

“Remember that good sex and romance begin when your clothes are still on.” That is SO TRUE! I used to have to tell my husband all the time that the way he communicates with me throughout the day is either foreplay or frigidity. I’m glad he eventually got the point. LOL Not that I would withhold anything, but it would be difficult for me to enjoy it fully if I’m still upset over something he said or did earlier.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheMom

I love to kiss..but only if I like the way other person is kissing…It’s nothting like kissing someone and having spit all over you …yuck..

But the point of the post is about intimacy. I like what Elle Denise said…if you hugged and kissed while you were dating…you shoud not stop. The levels of affection should increase..not decrease.

I am a human being and I do not plan on going through life without affection. I want hugs..kisses.. hand holding..the works. And don’t want to be that person that is watching another couple be affectionate with each other and longing for someone to hug and kiss me even though I have a husband at home..that is whack.

@Elle Denise… bust the slob is gross..but funny…we used to say that in high school.

TheMoms last blog post..Voletta Wallace (Biggie’s Mom) Interview With Essence
MissJay

@ TheMom

“And don’t want to be that person that is watching another couple be affectionate with each other and longing for someone to hug and kiss me…”

That is so true. My last relationship was like that. We hardly EVER hugged or kissed and I have to practically beg for something like that. Now, I don’t have to beg. I get kissed and hugged and held and all that. My fiancé won’t stay mad for long (I don’t know how the hell he does that) so he’s ready to kiss and make up when I’m still mad LOL.
gina

Elle, can you give some pointers? Because for some reason –and despite me saying I don’t like it — he continues to think that he knows what he’s doing. And yeah, his exes might not have said anything, but that has nothing to do with what *I* like.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheMom

Uh oh Elle…I think you need to send us a post on how to kiss!!

TheMoms last blog post..Voletta Wallace (Biggie’s Mom) Interview With Essence
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

@ King James – Lamar. We’ll probably be going straight by our names at some point. When we get on Oprah I doubt I’ll convince her to call me TheDad. lol

Kissing is the equivalent of making small deposits so you’ll have something to withdraw later. lol
Nicole

I’m in the same club as Gina and Harriet, but kissing isn’t super important to me.

I love to cuddle though, maybe I wasn’t held enough as a chid, lol. Luckily, my husband understands my need to be held and never tells me no when I ask him to cuddle with me.
King James

Lamar… I’m glad you’re still a man.

Sadly, I don’t see many married dudes with integrity (assuming you have) AND manhood. Could be my surroundings and/or reality. .

At any rate, yall be safe this weekend!!!
The Mom’s Cousin

Oh Mom—-Yuck!!! What a visual!!! I’m just kidding. I’m glad to know that young people still value the importance of what it takes to make a relationship work. My better half and I are in our mid-40′s and just today we were standing on line at the bank when I turned to face him. We hugged and began smooching (not a long, wet one — we save those for when we are alone). Some people in line were staring and my man said I was going to get us kicked out of the bank. One older lady had a smile on her face and I told him she was probably remembering a time in her life when someone of importance to her made her feel just as I feel about him. Kissing, to me, is the most intimate part of a relationship. It says so much. It can let your partner know that you still desire them, even after 3-4 kids and a little extra weight. It can also be, as stated before, a promise of things to come. Try this — when you wake up one Saturday morning, turn over and give your partner a long kiss. Nothing else. But every hour, repeat this kiss. I promise you, by the end of the day, you will be putting the kids to bed early or calling every relative you know for some last minute babysitting. Those of us that have kids know that we learn to do things efficiently with very little time. A gallop can be invigorating but sometimes we want a leisurely trot. Time to enjoy the ride and take in the scenery.
Anna

Kissing to me is just as important as a hug or cuddling. In between kissing hubby and I look into each others eyes give each other are best kool-aid smile and do it again. Kissing is very intimate for us. Now helping wash the dishes or with the cooking is foreplay. I can’t imagine a “kissless” marriage. You don’t have to have long endless kissing moments in front of the kids but to kiss each other in general is important because the kids get to see that side of their “Old” parents and it may be one of those non knowing teaching moments that our kids see and will think about in their future relationships. Kissing in PG(rating) is a form of affection, just as saying “I Love You”. Kids need to see displays of affection with their parents while they are growing up. There are too many shows with teens and grown ups hooking up with no love or conscience. Kids growing up in a houshold with parents who show affection not just to the(kids) but towards each other have a better sense of security.
http:.//blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

@Anna – good points about showing affection in front of the kids
MissJay

@Anna

You are right. I grew up seeing my parents kiss and hug eachother. Although they have been divorced since I was 10 I still remember the good parts of the marriage and the affection they shared and wanted my marriage to be like that.
Daisy

I am glad somebody is still k i s s i n g! I havent had a real kiss in years, I can’t wait until the day where I have somebody to kiss under the mistole and new years!
http://www.charactercorner.blogspot.com Attorneymom

Wow, I am glad to finally find a blog for me. Thank you. I am an Attorney who is married and the mother of three. I will definitely keep up with this blog.

http://www.charactercorner.blogspot.com

Attorneymoms last blog post..I AM DONE!!! HUSTLE WOMAN IS AT IT AGAIN!!!
Anna

@ Attorneymom/charactercorner. I love your site. For some reason I was unbale to comment on your site. I did have words to say about many things. Your site is spiritual and “syad”(you know what that means) posts. I am sure TheMom & TheDad will welcome you to this site as I do. I think I found your site from a “side bar” site. No pun inteneded.
hotmomma

I love this post! I was just talking to my brother (who is not married, and wondered how could it still be exciting) about how my husband and I keep the fire going in our marriage of 14 years. It is the little touch, the passionate kiss, the hug that keeps me coming back and of course leads to more! My husband and I are also PG affectionate in front of the children, just like my parents were in front of me. Their marriage has lasted 39 years, so I think they are a great example.

We have also learned to separate a disagreement from our love life. I agree with TheDad, we can disagree about who should have folded the clothes or whatever, but we are not going to walk around mad for days or not kiss. In fact, our little joke is, when things are not lining up, we need to “sync up” so that we are on the same page!
http://www.seeinsideofme.blogspot.com simply beautiful

Mom and Dad, how sweet! This blog made me cry. Why? Because this is the type of relationship I’d like to have in my life. I’m single and looking–maybe have even been found–but in my singleness I’ve been able to learn what I like and dislike. I’m a hopeless romantic and deeply desire intimacy. Saying all of that to say this, thanks for allowing me to see that there is intimacy after marriage. I grew up with parents who were very intimate during my childhood, so I thought that was just the way things were supposed to be. Keep the intimacy alive–and Mom, thanks for the tips. If I should be so blessed as to start dating soon, I will apply your tips to keep our relationship fresh. And Dad, good job. Keep Mom happy and the whole household’s happy! LOL.

simply beautifuls last blog post..Dude?
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheMom

I agree with Anna. I think it is very important for the kids to see their parents being affectionate…hugging.. little kisses.

Welcome to the site AttorneyMom!!!

TheMoms last blog post..Voletta Wallace (Biggie’s Mom) Interview With Essence

It’s Over Now Give Up That Kiss!

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