Your Marital APGAR Score Part 1

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on January 9th, 2009 | 11 comments

Every marriage is different and contains its own nuances. If your marriage were a newborn baby, what would its APGAR score be? For those of you who don’t know, the APGAR score is what a doctor looks at one minute and five minutes after a baby is born. They check for five things: activity, pulse, grimace, appearance and respiration. I have adjusted the five categories tested in the APGAR chart to reflect what we do and how we respond to one another in our individual marriages. Check out the chart below: (Click the image for full view)

This six part series is designed to help you ascertain what your own marital APGAR score is. Keep in mind, the APGAR score was designed to determine a newborn’s immediate condition after birth, and does not necessarily reflect the future health of a baby. The same is true if we look at an APGAR Score for marriage. I have designed this study (not scientific, but created exclusively for the BMWK family) to see where our marriages currently stand on the marital APGAR scale, but if your score is low, that is not license to go see Judge Lynn Toler. It will just pinpoint areas that you may need to work on for your marriage.

God Bless!

-Harriet

Harriet is a hilariously joyful married woman who resides in northeast Louisiana with her husband who is a restaurant manager. She works for a local University and along with her husband is the proud parent of a 3 year old son and a 10 year old stepson (who lives in NC).

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

King James

Married people are boring! j/k

Do you all feel that married folk wait until storms to find help/evaluation?
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

@King James: I think some couples do wait til stuff is rocky to seek help, but not all. Personally, I’m thinking all the time about how to keep my marriage strong. We did our premarital counseling with a trained couples counselor and revisited her a few months after we got married just as a check in and see if things were as we had expected they would be.

As for the APGAR, my husband and I talk a lot, which I think is the reason we don’t argue a lot. I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve had a big argument and even then it was about whatever the issue was at that time, didn’t devolve into yelling, namecalling or other drama and, most importantly, we resolved the issue. No lingering resentments here.

We’re also very affectionate. We’ve been called “the lovebirds” by friends because we hold hands and hug randomly a lot.

In terms of goals, we have some ongoing financial goals we are working toward as well as some shorter term goals. I like that we make decisions together.

I will say I worry about how a child will change our rhythm, assuming we ever have one. Right now we focus on each other because we can and there’s nothing/no one else vying for our attention.
Harriet

@ KJ,

I think it just depends on the individual. I’m a little more proactive than my husband in terms of maintaining communication and pinpointing potential issues, so if I see something could cause problems, I always want to discuss it.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same as Sassy, at least not for the first 18 months of our marriage. Even after we got counsel, there were times when we regressed back to old habits, but it doesn’t happen nearly as often as it used to.

I’m looking forward to the time when Sassy’s testimony becomes my own on a regular basis. We’re working more and more towards that goal as a couple, and I’m excited about that.
Jonesi

I’m starting to feel like (some) married people are bitter, not boring! If I hear how hard my life is about to get one more time I’m going to lose it. I mean seriously, never once did I think this journey would be a walk in the park, our courtship has been far from it, but I do love my fiance, I believe in him, I trust him, I adore him, and the positive affirmations could continue forever but I just pray I don’t grow to dispise him as I have been informed will happen as soon as we take the limo home from the reception (geez). Sorry I’m venting a bit here….but King James triggered it!

On topic, this looks interesting but right now we are at the stage were we need a neutral party present to facilitate these types of discussions lol…our debates get heated but I am so looking forward to our premarital counseling at our church I am proactive but he is easy going…so we pretty much argue, make-up and move on.
Harriet

Jonesi,

Girl, relax, relate, release! It ain’t that serious! I mean, there are times when things for my husband and I get difficult, but it always ends up with what you said…we argue, make up and move on.

That process with certain discussions may take longer than we would like, but we always resolve our issues and keep it moving.

Marriage is not a reason to go jump off a building. Yes, it provides plenty of challenges, but it’s similar in proportion to being single…they’re just different types of challenges.

I surely didn’t want this to become a marriage bashing thread…I just thought this would be a fun assessment to do on our relationships. No reason to jump off a building or anything. Just food for thought. LOL
http://politicalmusic.wordpress.com Political Pete

Interesting . . .

Political Petes last blog post..Israel’s Bully Pulpit: A Litmus Test for Members of Congress
Jonesi

I clearly led you to believe you (this thread) were apart of this issue I can’t get away from…my bad (funny how we process things so differently)! This post in no way added to my grief, I was just saying (randomly – which is why I admitted to venting) anytime I tell somone I’m getting married it’s like a “Do you know what your’re getting yourself in to?” type of reaction. It just makes me nervous that’s all because I’ve literally only encountered one married couple who have yet mentioned the harships of marriage…and it just isn’t comforting. But it’s ok because it’s training ground for me to learn to be content with my own relationship regardless of what is being said around me

So Ms. Harriet I thought this was neat! I am going to print this out tomorrow and read over it to see if this is something I will try at home!
Harriet

@ Jonesi,

It’s all good, sis! Marriage is what you make of it. It can either be heaven or hell on earth, depending on how you and your husband relate to one another.

It is important to know the purpose of your union with your husband. Just walk it out day by day. You’re going to have a good time, even in the bad times. You’re going to learn a lot. You think you’re grown now? Wait until y’all get married. Marriage has a way of putting a mirror in front of us and showing each individual player who they REALLY are.

Life just changes when someone is around to smell your boo-boo all the time. ROFL! Yet, they still love you, no matter how muh it stinks. That’s the beauty of it all. It’s the closest thing we can get to the love of Christ in our lives, if done properly.
Christina

Harriet,
I think this post is great for singles about to be marry as well as for us who needs to evaluate where we at in our marriage and what we need to do to perfect it.
http://www.juventude.gov.br/Members/Wellbutrin Sumi

Good Day. A tactical retreat is not a bad response to a surprise assault, you know. First you survive. Then you choose your own ground. Then you counterattack. Help me! It has to find sites on the: What expressed momma need ever that, stuart?. I found only this – [URL=http://www.juventude.gov.br/Members/Wellbutrin/side-effects-from-taking-wellbutrin]side effects from taking wellbutrin[/URL]. I respond like influenced they take possible for me, wellbutrin. Over these organs, the bit depended free and only to vote the using use lbs, wellbutrin. Thank Sumi from Honduras.
http://counselingdivorce.com/ Pamela from Counseling Divorce

Some couples think that they know each other well enough, as they have lived together for months and they don’t need any premarital counseling. Maybe they are right and maybe they are wrong. Some religions require counseling before they are allowed to get married.
When it comes to making a lifetime commitment to a marriage partner, too many people are not looking under the hood of their relationship. Investing in quality premarital counseling can prevent costly and emotional mistakes.
.-= Pamela from Counseling Divorce´s last blog ..All The Secrets Behind Catholic Marriage Counseling =-.

Your Marital APGAR Score Part 1

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