Men Who Stick Around to Become Fathers

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on January 15th, 2009 | 38 comments

One day, when my daughter was about six months old, I left her at home with her father and went to visit my parents. My dad, who quickly began to see me and my daughter as a two-for-one combo as I rarely went anywhere without her, made a comment that has stuck with me to this day:

“You know, Tara,” he said, “you’re really lucky to have a husband who will stay home and watch your daughter while you’re gone.”

To this I replied: “She’s his daughter. Why wouldn’t he watch her if I go out?”

“Some guys just won’t,” he said. “Sad but true.”

To me, it wasn’t a big deal. Watch your daughter while I run some errands. But to my father, my husband just vaulted himself into the Father of the Year category for doing something so simple.
But after talking to my friends and their relationship woes the past couple of days and I’m beginning to agree. Out of all the moms I know, only a handful are married or have the father in their lives. Half of them don’t even know where the guy is, as he stopped returning calls shortly after he learned he was going to be a daddy.

What is the difference between the men who leave and the men who stay? Why is there a set of men out there who would rather leave than stick around and help raise a child that is half their DNA? How can they leave knowing that there is a child who will miss out on knowing the entire other half of his life story?

So men, I’m asking you: How did you know you were ready to be a dad? Why did you stay? When did you know you were officially a dad, not just someone’s father?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://selfra.blogspot.com Dantresomi

To be honest, I can’t say when I felt I was ready to have a child. When I had my oldest, I was not ready… I was 20 years old. X Man taught me how to be a father.

When I got married and had three more, I think I have done okay but I could use a great amount of work. I don’t know where my “father gene” kicked in but now people can’t separate me from my children so much so that if I am not seen with my children, they assume something is wrong, lol. I love that!

Its funny because among my male friends (we call ourselves HUG LIFE – since we travel with out babies and yes have play dates), we have like this telepathy when it comes to handling our children.

We do need to move on to not just “being there” fathers but to be active fathers.

Dantresomis last blog post..
Duane

I don’t think I was very ready to be a dad,but once my first child was born I knew I had to become one. It is hard for me to understand how any male that call them self a man could walk away from there child. I did not have a role model in my home on how to be a dad becuase my walk when I and my silbiling were young but I did know what not to do and that is walk away. I can say it was the best thing I have every done my baby is now 33 with a baby of her on who 3 in additon I have a son 16 and at 54 expecting a child in May.
Michael

My oldest son was born a month after I graduated high school. I decided that no one would raise my son other than me. My upbringing made this decision a very easy one to make.

I believe many men do not realize how important we are to our child, and how much they need us as well as their mother’s.
King James

Awesome post

No dad here, but i feel like I’m getting ready. Not as in practicing the act.. but just being where I would like to be… outside and in. There’s no ONE place to be IMO, but I have the tools ready.

I’m excited for it!
Marcus

“What is the difference between the men who leave and the men who stay? Why is there a set of men out there who would rather leave than stick around and help raise a child that is half their DNA? How can they leave knowing that there is a child who will miss out on knowing the entire other half of his life story?”

The difference is one is one man is lost and not a man. No man wants to leave his child, let’s get that straight. When a man leaves his child knowing that he needs to be there in their life, it eats him up everyday to think of his cowardness. I know because I’ve been there. I wen to Alaska to work for a little while, and missed my daughters birth. For months afterwards, my wife pleaded with me to come home. But it wasn’t that simple. A one way ticket on short notice is well over 900 dollars from Alaska to Atlanta. I had to listen to my daughter through the phone for the first six months of her life. But I knew that as a man, I had to be able to support them financially. Now if a man is just running away, then yeah, he is just a coward, and maybe even scared. I don’t know where this running away from fatherhood thing cam from, but I swear to god it has something to do with slavery, and the losing of family. It’s in your blood, I believe it must be. Too many men, especially black take this path…so this cycle being in our genes is questonable.
When I finally came back and finally saw my daughter, I couldn’t let her go ever again. A man loves his child just as much as women do. It’s just different for a black man in this world. If we are not in control financially, it’s hard to see how we can make an actual difference in a childs life. it’s easy for a woman to say “okay, well at least be there.” But they know, and we know that financial stability goes a long way when you are taking care of a family….It’s so many things….I believe this topic is so broad, many things must be discussed…
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

@Marcus – I think you feel a lot of guilt from missing out on the first six months of your daughter’s life, but I don’t think you are in any way the type of man I’m talking about. Now, I don’t know you but it sounds like you were trying to do the right thing.

I was talking about the men who don’t call, don’t write, don’t provide anything except frustration on the mother’s part. Even if that woman drives you mad, that child is still half of you. He or she is YOU. So how can you walk away, not knowing what/how the child is doing on a daily/weekly basis?

I know wanting to provide for your family is huge, but some guys won’t just “Be there.” I know this is a lot more complicated than I’m making it here, but I’m just curious as to why some men stay and others just leave.

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Fabulous Finance: Where does your money go?
http://rawdawgb.blogspot.com rawdawgbuffalo

hats off to all of us dads doing what is the essence of love. have a blessed 2009 folk
Marcus

No Tara my situation was not quite similar . I don’t feel guilty for having left, though, just to clear that up. It was something that had to be done…either that or my wife, daughter and I would have been homeless. I missed her terribly, but as far as guilt, No. Sometimes you have to do what is necessary.

The reason I said this topic is broad is because there are so many things that come in to play when dealing with fathers that walk out on their child(ren). The emotional issues involved–between him and the mother–The financial stability of the father–The relationship before the baby was born is a factor as well. If the mom and dad had a strictly sexual relationship before the baby, then that complicates things…It doesn’t give him reason to walk out, but it explains it a little.

But let me tell the ladies something. If a man stays or just simply is there for his child–no matter what type of relationship him and the mother have–that man wants to be in that childs life. He believes his presence and upraising will play a vital role in this child’s life. Many men that run may not want that responsibility, or they simply don’t care. However–and this brings up another topic–Black women, pay attention to who you lay down with. I’m 25 years old and we are so different from our ancestors, that sometimes I question if we are moving in the right direction. If this man has no interest in being a father, from what he portrays or even tells you, then maybe you have no interest in having sex with him…
Eric

It’s a fact that when men are involved with their children, they are far less likley to be teen parents, in jail, and do drugs. To be an absent family is a crime!!! We provide the toughness and love that’s hard for women to duplicate.
Mac

I am a sinlge Dad and I would like to say to all the fathers out there who are representing “Good job”. Now when can we get a blog about dead beat moms.
Rock City Roots

It always came as a shock to me when people would tell me oh that’s so nice to see a father with his baby whenever I would be out with my daughter. One of my wife’s friends called once when she was out and asked if I was babysitting the children. My response was you don’t babysit your own children. It takes two to make them so share the responsibility. People don’t realize when you are making loving, you are actually going throught the process that makes a little love one. It’s like part of you that’s outside of you.
Anna

I enjoyed all the comments. What ppl fail to realize is that a woman married, single or otherwise is scared to death knowing she is pregnant. It could be our 1st kid or our 5th, but we (even if some don’t find out they are pregnant until their second trimester) get to bond with our baby growing inside of us. If the man does not live in the home while the woman is pregnant or does not go to the doctor visits to hear the heartbeat or see the baby on the monitor there is nothing to bond him with the baby as instantly as a mothers instincts. It is easy for a man to walk away if he has not bonded with his child. We woman want to be “superwoman” and dare not take the chance to run an errand and leave the baby with his/her father for fear he won’t know what to do or just because it takes too long to leave “mommy directions” by the time we tell you their fav toy, sleeping postion or thinking you won’t change them right while we are gone we could have been back home. I think some of the fault goes back to the woman taking too much control and not realizing that the man is not being included. In some cases if a man is not trusted enough to “figure it out” (kids don’t come with instructions for even a mom) men will most likely feel useless and unneeded. A man should not consider himself “babysitting” when it is his own child. Many years ago I heard my ex on the phone and he said “no I can’t I am babysitting” When he got off the phone I said “how are you babysitting your own kids because I have to go to work? I don’t remember his answer, I may have not even gotten one. I just like to plant thoughts. Lol.
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

I had a VP a few years ago who used to stay at work really late because he said his wife was always trying to put “those” kids (aka, HIS kids) off on him. So, he went home after they were in bed. He also used to refer to keeping his kids as babysitting. What’s up with that? To me, that sounds like he’s detaching himself from his children.

Bishop Jakes did a series a few years ago called He-Motions, and in it he talked about how hard it is for a man to stay. Now, I love Jakes’ teachings and I’m all about paying homage. But I don’t fully understand why mothers need to praise husbands/fathers for doing what they’re supposed to do.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..What Makes Me a ‘Strong Black Woman’?
Sasha

re: “I don’t fully understand why mothers need to praise husbands/fathers for doing what they’re supposed to do.”

I think humans respond to praise, Lisa. Everyone likes to be acknowledged for a job well done, even if it is something they are already supposed to be doing. !! Gratitude makes the world a more beautiful place, and if it also gets your hubby to get on track with what you need, great!!

TD Jakes and Gary Smalley and other religious speakers say that offering encouragement and praise to your man shows him what it is you really need from him, and also sweetens the pot for him to do it. Sort of like an incentive. A woman’s sweetness and gratitude can help shape the man into the man he needs to be for
God and his wife (this is what they say)

On another note: God BLESS all of you guys who stuck around to be daddies!! I agree that men don’t understand how much of an impact their presence makes on their child’s lives.
King James

sasha.. i agree
Jonesi

A little postive affirmation never hurt anyone. Though there are expectations of parents, just telling a person they are doing a great job goes a long way. I tell my bff how much I think she is a great mother because too often she hears how she could be doing some things better or differently. Great point Sasha
http://www.thirtydaes.com JNez

For me, it was an instant love unlike i’d ever known when i learned my ex was pregnant with our children. i wasn’t a good partner to her but being a father came so naturally to me. when i laid eyes on my angels i knew that nothing would keep me away from them.

as a single dad now, lots of people give kudo to my handling of a responsibility as if it’s an option. there is no option; these are my daughters. there’s no way i could let their mom struggle raising them or even worse, let some other partner of hers attempt to fill my role. i’m in love with these angels. they’ll be mine forever.

i always believed, and still do, that all fathers feel this love. some are better than others at silencing it though, through whatever vices that they fall victim to. at the end of the day, the deadbeat or missing dad know he has children out there needing him and his refusal to honor that responsibility brings on the deepest of depressions & anger. instead of wallowing in or ignoring or re-chanelling that energy, all it takes is one step forward to reconnect. one step at a time. be consistent & return to your place as the king in your children’s lives.

JNezs last blog post..new york state assessment tests
dre

I had my first child when I was 34. This was also my wife’s first child. We got married in 2000 and although we started kicking it in 1995 we wanted stability. We had a planned pregnancy and although my wife wanted kids much sooner than I, I had to be fully prepared to handle parenthood! There is nothing greater than coming home to my wife and daughter on a daily basis! Stats tell us that 70 percent of black households are ran bt women…That’s a problem because it takes the same amount of a male and female DNA to procreate… The only acceptable time for a parent to raise a child in a single home setting is thru the death of the other parent. The problem with us is that our morals and values have hit rock bottom!
dre

I had my first child when I was 34. This was also my wife’s first child. We got married in 2000 and although we started kicking it in 1995 we wanted stability. We had a planned pregnancy and although my wife wanted kids much sooner than I, I had to be fully prepared to handle parenthood! There is nothing greater than coming home to my wife and daughter on a daily basis! Stats tell us that 70 percent of black households are ran by women…That’s a problem because it takes the same amount of male and female DNA to procreate… The only acceptable time for a parent to raise a child in a single home setting is thru the death of the other parent. The problem with us is that our morals and values have hit rock bottom!
Harriet

@ dre

Very true. Not that single parenthood is doomed to failure, but it requires a special balance of healthly people surrounding the single parent for support and extra guidance for the child.

But you’re absolutely right…many people have become, as Mos Def said so many years ago, victims of abnormal normalities.
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@Sasha,

Thanks for breaking it down that way. I look at my brothers and cousins who grew up without fathers, but have vowed to stay and raise their own children. I give kudos to them because they have stayed through some tough times, including kids who grew up and challenged them and showed no appreciation for having a daddy in the home. I guess at some point the man probably asks, why bother?

And when I think about it, even a dog responds to praise and being rubbed on the head. Hmmm, how much more would our men respond if they received the same affection? Jakes pointed out that Mother’s Day has the highest or second highest (I don’t remember which) card sales, but Father’s Day comes and goes without us even noticing.

In my quest to understand the male psyche, a divorced friend, who had multiple affairs on his now ex-wife, still gets angry when he talks about how his wife would withhold sex. His explanation for doing it is, “You ain’t gone make me no punk.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I blame him 200%, but that man still turns 10 shades of red when he talks about how he felt like his manhood was challenged.

And I echo your praise to the men who stayed to become fathers, stepfathers, surrogate fathers, and role models. You are greatly needed and appreciated.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..Kimora Lee Simmons, Djimon Hounsou Expecting a Baby!
Geoff

I was 30 when my daughter was born and I thought earlier in life I would be ready at that time. I wasn’t. Nothing prepares you for being a daddy other than being a daddy. It’s got to be fear of the unknown coupled with accepting to ignore the responsibilities of fatherhood. What many men who don’t choose to stick around fail to ever realize you get so much more out of it than running from it. I love being a dad. Sure my life has had to change, but it’s a sacrifice I know my single mother made. I’m around because I know what it’s like to have to deal with the inner turmoils of ‘how come my daddy didn’t want to stick around’?
Why would it even be a consideration to not want to do that to my children, THEY’RE MY CHILDREN! I just recently had a baby boy and my chest swelled with a sense of pride that just wasn’t there with my daughter. She’s my love, my angel, my princess. He’s…my boy! I love being a daddy. I was remarking the other day how there are 3 of me running around now. I like taking credit for their existence (man thing).
I don’t know the first thing about raising children or raising a boy to be a man, but I like to think my mother did a pretty good job from her angle and vantage point, but women can’t teach a man everything. I had to and still have to learn most things on my own. That has bothered me for years and for the most part have put behind me, but I do know other than the basics: food, shelter and clothing. Children need love. Children need attention. Children need to feel secure. My children need what I didn’t have and craved and still crave.
I’ve said since my daughter was an infant that she already has more than I ever had and I’m talking about my mere presence. All she wants is me. My time, my attention, my love, my hugs and I’m happy to give it to her. She’s part of me and no part of me should have to feel like I used to feel sitting in my room wishing for a man in my life-my daddy in my life. Not her, not my newborn son. We are linked by more than DNA. They are my responsibility to nurture, to teach, to love, to guide, to protect, to encourage, to spend time with, to fly a kite with, to fish with to be there for.
I could sum up the man who doesn’t want or choose to be there for his kids as a coward and in some respects yes, but moreso someone with poor judgement and making the wrong choice. There’s nothing like being a dad and I love it. Ready or not here comes daddy!
Marcus

It’s crazy how we use that phrase “sticking around”. I hate the sound of that. It makes it seem like a task. I’ve already explained my story, and I’ve read some others, a few folks I even sympathize with. I just want to encourage all the fathers out there to hang in there. Let’s hang in there together. I have a couple of friends with kids, and I think it’s really motivating when some of your best friends have children. You have someone to talk to, someone to share your excitement and fears with. You have someone there to cousel you as well–if they’re a good friend–because it’s hard, ya know. LOL God didn’t give us the Tutorial on children, but like Geoff said, all they need is love and attention, food clothing, and shelter. They CANNOT guide themselves. They need you. Why do you think we have so many great black youths? They had parents that were there for them, and that sacrificed for them. To whom much is given, much is expected. Don’t just “STICK AROUND”. Be a father!
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@Marcus,

Fathers hanging in there together, offering encouragement and support, is a great idea. Unfortunately, men don’t have the same type of support system that women/mothers have. But, from what I’ve been reading on this site from all the fathers (single and married) that father-to-father support is needed.

So to you and all the other fathers, your children do and will continue to appreciate you. It’s a thankless job sometimes, but it’s worth it in the end. My heart melts when I read books like Daughters of Men and Pops: A Celebration of Black Fatherhood. They show that contrary to popular media, lots of Black men are being fathers.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..A Dream Delayed is not a Dream Denied
Harriet

@ Marcus and Lisa

All I can say is AMEN! You all hit the nail on the head!
Mac

I applaud all the fathers who are taking responsibility and having a active role in their childrens lives. Dont’t hang in there,(Be there) you have to be there no matter what your situation is with their mother or what else is affecting you in life. Everyday I get up and my children express to me that I am a bother to them(joking, wait sometimes I do believe it) but deep down in side they know I am their security blanket. Yes I ask them questions they deem as stupid(any bullies at school, any classes you need help with, latest dances, videos etc.)I give them their space but not too much. I take them to the bank with me to see how to fill out a deposit form or right a check. I show them the responsiblity of being on time, when your not on time it affects you and others. But basically I am there(5 girls and one boy all under in the same house hold)SOMETIMES MAKES ME WANT TO YELL! I am there(single parent) and do not consider it as “sticking around”
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@Mac,

FIVE GIRLS??? Did you type that right?

How you making it?

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..A Dream Delayed is not a Dream Denied
Mac

@Lisa

Yes(5 girls), makes me want to holla sometimes but I keep on keeping on.
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@Mac,

Look at it as your retirement plan. Once they’re grown, you can write a bestselling memoir of how you survived raising five daughters without getting a murder rap or going postal.

So take pictures and start journaling now (no more fake memoirs please). A lot of men are trying to figure out to survive in a house with one woman, let alone five. And I’m sure you can offer some insightful information and survival skills to fathers raising daughters.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..Eleven U.S. Presidents Born to and/or Raised by a Single Mom
Harriet

Boy, I tell you…that Lisa Maria is a HUSTLA! That’s a great idea, though! I’m just laughing because you eat, sleep and breathe entrepreneurship. I’m sure we’re going to see you on the cover of Black Enterprise and Fortune magazines one of these days. It’s only a matter of time.
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@Harriet,

LOL. Girl, I got that Joshua and Caleb spirit. While others are talking about a recession, I’m saying we can take them, y’all. My quote for the week is “No matter how bad the economy, there will always be people who are prospering.” It’s just a matter of getting a piece of the pie…or the recipe.

When there was a famine in Canaan, there was a feast in Egypt. So, if there’s a drought where I am, I’m willing to go where it’s raining. The gaming industry posted record profits the last quarter of 2008, and $170M was spent on the Inauguration. Recession be darned, there’s a harvest going on somewhere. And I’m on my way there.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..How to Find Your Hidden Money
Harriet

@ Lisa,

That’s what’s up, sis! God is not a participant in recession. Even when things got really bad for His people, He always took them to a place where He would provide. Abraham did it, Naomi did it, Elijah did it…what you said is documented all over the Word.

And if a seed was sown, even in tears, God will bring it back to us better than it was when we sowed it. Keep on dreaming, Lisa. As long as you’re seeking God, those dreams will be a reality! I’m walking the same path from another region, so I’ll meet you at the top!
Lynne

We all know that there are fathers who, for 1,000+ reasons, are no longer in the picture. How do said “fathers” feel on Father’s Day, knowing that they have children, but are not part of their lives? Do these “fathers” feel shame / embarrassment when someone asks about his child(ren) and he cannot give a solid answer? Or, if the child(ren) become famous, now said “father” has all kinds of time to be an active father. However, during the lean times, “dad” was no where to be found. How does he explain that?
Mac

@ Lynne

Its the same for a woman, I am raising the kidz(ours) by myself. How do you explain that. How can she even say Mothers Day!
Mac

@ Lynne

There are brothers who are doing the right thing. But where do they get support, too many blogs shoot down fathers. I have had my kidz since 2002. I do it all. Laundry, Medical visits, school, you name it I do it. The kicker here is that my kidz treat their mother differently,she can do no wrong(tey pout and question my authority, MOM’ s says do it it gets done. No child support at all. But I keep doing it. Yes, I am bringing light to the other side, taboo, great deal with it. I did not leave my family she did, bcuz the world would not let her do what she wanted. It pisses me off everything is about women, when is the man’s chance.
Mac

wake up all
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@Mac,

Did you read the 30 plus comments before yours? All of them gave props to fathers like you who are taking care of their children, whether alone or with a wife. I’m sure most of us can name a few deadbeat moms as well as deadbeat dads. But, “women who stick around to become mothers” wasn’t the subject of this post.

Clearly not all the blogs you read shoot down fathers, because this one doesn’t. I’m a single mom, and I gleam hope from the married folks here. And one of the best single dad blogs I read is Dad’s House. He talks about EVERYTHING.

Parenting is often a thankless job, especially for the disciplinarian. Like you, I know what it’s like to co-parent with an idiot. My kids became teenagers and did the “daddy dance” until I finally called their bluff and sent them to him. In less than six months they were back in my house…with the same nonsense, playing both ends against the middle. That’s when I decided that I wasn’t going to do the back-and-forth thing.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..Balancing Act: How to Juggle Work, School, Play and Being a Mom
Mac

@Lisa

Have to apologize to the other bloggers and yourself for my statements. I was distracted at the time that I wrote that. Sometimes the angry person inside of me takes over. Just going through tough times.

Men Who Stick Around to Become Fathers

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