What To Do When No One Agrees With Your Relationship?

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on January 16th, 2009 | 50 comments

Have you ever been in a relationship with a person that your friends did not like for you? I have!! Sometimes they are right and sometimes they are dead wrong. It’s good to listen to your friends, but you have to understand what their motives are when they tell you negative things about your relationship like:

1. Are they in a bad relationship right now?

2. Are they bitter from a past relationship?

3. Are they jealous?

4. Do they normally have your best interest at heart?

5. When they walk into the room does Jill Scott’s “Hate on Me” play in the back of your mind?

Ultimately you must listen to your own inner voice. You know deep down inside if this person is right for you. And sometimes your friends can act as an hearing aid to help you hear that inner voice in the right ways too.

Here are a few tips relationship expert LaDawn Black gave us for this situation:

Only the two people in the relationship really know what is going on.
Trust your Instincts.
Nobody has ideal love.
Don’t be afraid to take chances in order to be happy.

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

King James

The Motive check is good…

Trust your Instincts. —> Should be something about ACTION. Most times we see/notice things and don’t do anything about it…

Thanks Black!
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

I agree, question their motives. But, in the end, trust your gut. Don’t stay with a person for the sake of proving everyone else wrong when they’re right. Likewise, don’t walk away from a good thing just because that’s what others say you should do.

Everyone’s going to have an opinion, but they shouldn’t get a vote. In the end, you’re the only one who will have to make it work.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..What Makes Me a ‘Strong Black Woman’?
Sasha

I don’t totally disagree with this post, but I do think that oftentimes people from the outside DO have a better perspective…sometimes we don’t WANT to see the truth in our own relationships. Most experts that I have read (I can find the quotes if need be) say that if your inner circle does not like your significant other, that is definitely something to look at. If it is just one friend, I would agree that maybe they are just getting over something or bitter, but if all of your friends say the same thing, your should either examine your relationship or the circle of friends you are hanging with; one of them is wrong for you.
Harriet

Lisa Marie said:

“But, in the end, trust your gut. Don’t stay with a person for the sake of proving everyone else wrong when they’re right. Likewise, don’t walk away from a good thing just because that’s what others say you should do.”

That’s some good, balanced wisdom right there! I couldn’t have said it better. I also agree with KJ…no sense in having instincts if you’re not going to do anything with them.

@ Sasha,

The way we act is many times what we will attract. But along with that, we can attract certain predators that normally would not approach us had it not been for our personalities. That’s when it’s important to check the motives of the inner circle…are they superficial? Does your best friend want your significant other and have a nasty habit of being divisive to meet those ends? From a significant other standpoint, are you making excuses for behavior that you shouldn’t tolerate (I know I’ve done it before)?

Your words are sooooooooooooo true!
Marcus

I love this topic. I have a friend that’s 28 and single. He has his own place, and a respectable job. I always encourage him by telling him; “Whatever girl you find will be great for you, but make sure she’s coming to the table with the same amount of respect and quality as you.” Even after telling him this, my boy still wants to holler at the chick with 4 damn kids. Not only that, she’s caniving and trifling, and works with him, at that. Then I hear he tells me, she starts drama up at the job, and brings him in it. I told him, she only does that because you guys have a relationship outside of the job. All in all, I think he could do a lot better. I know why he messes with her….because she’s fine as hell. That however, is all she got going. Fine as hell with 4 kids and two baby daddies, AND THIS IS WHO YOU’RE TRYING TO GET WITH?!! OH THANK GOD I’m married!
Harriet

ROFL @ Marcus

But your boy is grown. Sounds to me like he’s thinking with the wrong head, but that’s been known to happen from time to time with men. Just like women tend to go for the bad boys, men tend to go for the “big butt and a smile.”

I hope he sees the light before he becomes baby daddy #3.
Anna

Harriet said:
ROFL @ Marcus

But your boy is grown. Sounds to me like he’s thinking with the wrong head, but that’s been known to happen from time to time with men. Just like women tend to go for the bad boys, men tend to go for the “big butt and a smile.”

I hope he sees the light before he becomes baby daddy #3.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As women we were thinking the same thing, you just had the guts to type it. Why do you think men trade us in at a certain age. With age the “big butt gets bigger or smaller and the smile becomes dingy or toothless”. LOL.
Marcus

Oh I’m not finished…lol. I have another friend that’s been dating his girlfriend for 4 years. They have a baby together. Now normally, I would tell my friend.; “Hey man, you guys should just go ahead and get married.” The thing is I can’t stand her (at times). She clings to him so dag on tight, like someone is going to steal him away from her. He’s expressed to me that she’s just too clingy , and she always wants to start some argument, or there is always an issue with her. He told me, he sometimes feels miserable with her. I was like, “sounds like you need to leave her” On one hand I think she’s wrong for him. On the other hand, they’ve been together so long, that they act more married than I really am. Since they’re boyfriend and girlfriend with a baby, that makes it extra complicated. I don’t know WHAT to tell my friend now……Honestly, I’m just tired of her always coming out to the clubs with us. lol. But when it’s time for her and her girls to go party, she’s out! ARRRRGGGHHHH…!!! I really just want my boy to get some balls (excuse my lang.) and stand up to his girl. But he seems to just be going with the flow. How can you go with the flow for years, before you’ve known it, your life passes by and you’re still not happy. Tisk Tisk..
http://www.cisterspeak.com CS

In this situation I would define the term “friends” as “acquaintances.” If your friends are jealous more often then not and you are instantly reminded of Jill Scott’s “Hate on me” when you are around them then you need to seriously evaluate exactly who your considering a friend worthy enough of giving you relationship (or any) advice.

I have very few friends that I go to for any type of serious advice. They are the ones that know me nearly as well as I know myself. They give sound advice and also play devil’s advocate. Opinions are rare only in that everybody has one.

In my relationship there is only 3 people in it. God, the mister and I. As long as we three are in agreeance all is well. But when it isn’t you know it in your heart and you have to trust it and be honest with yourself.

CSs last blog post..Can You Pay My Bills?
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@Marcus

Uh oh, a hit dog will holler. As the mother of 4 children, I’m having a problem making the connection with your friend finding a woman with the same amount of respect and quality as him, but settling for a chick with 4 damn kids. Does a chick with 4 kids automatically lack those qualities.

You then went on to describe her as conniving and trifling and drama-filled with two baby daddies.

So, what’s really at issue, the fact that she has 4 damn kids, she’s conniving, trifling and drama-filled or that she has two baby daddies?

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..No Money, No Honey?: 10 Ways to Date on a Dime
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@Marcus,

Regarding the friend with the baby mama, are you suggesting that your friend should hang his girlfriend out to dry, thus making her yet another chick with a baby daddy? What would that say about your friend, or you for suggesting it?

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..No Money, No Honey?: 10 Ways to Date on a Dime
Marcus

Uhm…Lisa, this should be a topic. I told my friend respectably that you want to find a woman that has a clean slate. Being that you are single with no kids, you would want a woman with that same situation. You don’t want to burden someone with your kids, and I’m sorry if you want to carry on a healthy relationship, he’s probably going to have to meet the kids and be in they’re lives, unless you plan on always having a baby sitter when it’s time for you guys to be together. Correct?…Okay moving on. My personal opinion is that if you have 4 kids with two different fathers and you’re single…Chances are I’m not looking at the runaway dad for answers, I’m looking at you. Cause at that point I’m trying to figure out where you went wrong. Lets BE REAL here. If I am single, I’m not going to put my main priority girl as one that has 4 kids and bareley has time for herself, much less for me. That’s where women get it misconstrued, so selfish at times…Why would you put somebody through that? Why? Because YOU want to be happy, but ultimately a situation like that does not seem to have a healthy future. Many of you may say, it depends on the guy. Well I told you who the guy is. He’s single, decent job, his own place, good mind on his head, NO kids, a genuinely nice guy. A guy that deserves someone that has the time, attention, and room in their life for him…
Marcus

Lisa, all I’m saying is a man is going to choose what he wants, but I’m sorry… if you have kids, and different baby fathers, and you got issues you need to work out in your life on top of that. Then you are not exactly up there on the golden list for elgible relationship material. Now I’m not to refering to anyone in general, but you have to be open minded. Put yourself in that person’s shoes. it’s not always about you. Sometimes it’s just simply about the kids. You just don’t need to put anymore attention to anything else, other than them kids…Does anyone get where I’m coming from?
MissJay

@Marcus and Lisa

I actually get where the both of you are coming from. On one hand why should the woman be penalized for a few bad choices/relationships that didn’t work out? We don’t know the situation why a woman has 4 kids w/2 different baby daddies. But on the other hand, if that person is like the woman Marcus described, then his friend needs to leave her alone. She’s full of drama and who wants that all the time? It may not be all about the kids, it’s a combination of things. Please take this from someone in a relationship where it is add me and stir for instant family. My fiancé has 2 children he takes care of. Please know you have to have special kind of patience and love to take care of someone else’s kids, especially if you know that other parent is around and can possibly make things worse for you trying to bond with the child.

Now as far as your frineds…from personal experience, being the one in the relationship and being the friend on the outside, it can be hard to tell. I definitely agree about looking at the friend’s circumstances. I have an aquaintence who’s told me more than once that she is envious and jealous of me. She said because I seem to always have good relationships and she would like to have one herself. Now I used to call this person a sister about 15-20 years ago. But things have drastically changed since then. I had to go over the course of our friendship in my mind and look at the things that have happened between the 2 of us which led me to the conclusion that I have chosen. I’m at a different place in my life now where I don’t need or want to surround myself with people who may wish me well be are jealous of me. Who knows what those jealous feelings may lead to.
Harriet

I’m with you, MissJay. My husband has a son from another relationship, and if a person is willing to deal with all the challenges (and beauty) a circumstance presents, then I’m all for it.

BUT, if the person is just trifling, then we have a problem. I don’t think that a single mother should be cart blanche stricken from the “golden list for elgible relationship material;” however, I do think that single parents have to be realistic in the fact that there are a lot of good men and women who feel the way Marcus feels.

It’s all in communication and preferences. You can’t hate someone for that. I just have a problem with someone prejudging another because of mistakes that were made in the past, OR a woman/man being a widow or choosing to leave an abusive relationship, even though children were born from it.
Mrs. W

i actually happen to be the one who is hated by my mate’s family and a friend. the bottom line is 2 things, jealousy and the fact that i don’t tolerate MESS, which is what they are about. my husband is extremely passive, allows himself to be used and taken advantage of and was a total pushover. his family used to treat him like a money tree and his friend is just a liar who i called out. well, long stories short, i call spades a daggone spade. i shut down the foolishness and they can’t stand me for it.

at the end of the day, i could care less what their opinions are because they are not people whose opinions i respect anyway. and sadly, my husband has had to distance himself from most of them because he acknowledges that their attitudes are based on foolishness. its a sad thing when black folks cannot have a successful relationship without others being jealous. its not my fault that my husband provides for us and their babydaddies are part-time strippers barely making ends meet…or that our bills are paid and his very grown mama can barely keep her lights on…or that we have very different views on child-rearing, family boundaries and respect. it is what it is and i don’t cry over this spilled milk. so many black units are dysfunctional and i refuse to subject my family to any of it. if you’re not down with this team…keep it moving!
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@Marcus,

We all have preferences, and your golden list is just that, YOUR golden list. Just because you choose to not date a woman with children doesn’t mean that your friend shouldn’t. As the post stated:

* Only the two people in the relationship really know what is going on. You don’t know what she’s bringing to him that’s making him stay.
* Trust your instincts. Maybe he’s choosing to trust his instincts rather than listen to his boys. Who knows, maybe his instincts tell him that his boys don’t have his best interest at hand.
* Nobody has ideal love. I’m sure a chick with 4 kids and 2 baby daddies fit into this category.
* Don’t be afraid to take chances in order to be happy. One man’s “trash” could just prove to be his treasure.

@Harriet,

I think single mothers should be stricken from one’s “golden list for eligible relationship material” if the person knows they don’t want to be with a woman with children. Some may think that’s shallow. But, no matter how shallow it may seem, it’s still a preference. And shouldn’t we all have preferences/standards that we desire in a relationship, even if we don’t get them all?

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..No Money, No Honey?: 10 Ways to Date on a Dime
kim h20s

marcus,

have you ever stopped to think that you only hear the negative stuff your boy tells you? he knows that in your dislike for his girl, he’s got a sympathetic ear to lean on. i’m sure he never tells you ‘hey i got home and things were ok’ or ‘hey i came home and i was acting crazy’. no, he just tells you the bad stuff and gets rewarded with you backing him up.

i’m not saying that you have to like your friends girl, but you do have to respect her as his woman.

you can say that the woman with 4 kids is trifling, but what about your boy? he is staying in a situation that could result in him losing his job and an unwanted pregnancy because she is fine. it is ironic that you say she is fine as hell and that’s an acceptable excuse for your boy staying stuck on stupid.

i have never understood grown people who are so involved in other peoples relationships! as long as nobody is getting abused or hurt or taken advantage of, once you’ve said your part — move on! how do people have time to be worried about OTHER people’s lives? all the time i have i want to spend on my OWN relationship.
Jonesi

As a woman, I will say Marcus’ very opinion validates my own reasoning for being intentional (as much as possible) about my choices in life. No I don’t think it’s fair to shun a woman just because she has numerous children but damn why did she allow someone to impregnate her so many times with no commitment? But you know what, nothing is guranteed in this life. I could very well get married as planned in October, have five babies by my husband and at any point he could leave me or even worse die. So while his message came across really harsh, he expressed a view point I share when questioning my friends as to why they feel comfortable making babies with men who make babies as a hobby. I have devoted my life to not making the same mis-steps as those before me but no one is perfect and we have all lacked using our best judgment in various situation. But this issue is bigger than Marcus’ comments, it’s about being more mindful of our bodies as women and who we give ourselves too…I am not a parent yet by the grace of God because that wasn’t his plan for me just yet…so he just blessed me with four beautiful Godbabies instead
Marcus

Great comments everyone….As a GOOD friend, I feel it is my duty to not set my friend(s) up for failior. For everyone tuning in. I have two friends they are both brothers, one has been with his girl for 4 years but is not married. His girl has 3 kids, 3 different fathers, and he is one of the fathers of the last child. The other is the oldest, he’s single and is dating a girl with 4 kids, and 2 baby daddies. I am married, 4 years and going, with a 2 year old girl. I am a good friend. I will not talk out my behind As a good friend I will be honest and tell you what I have learned from my experiences. I love my homies to death, so when I see that they’re choice in women is bad, I’m going to point it out. NO…They don’t have to be like me, they don’t have to even listen to me, but as I said, A GOOD FRIEND…will tell you if the direction you are heading in is the wrong one. Knowing both of the females, I am worried. Now, I can’t take them by the hands and tell them what to do. These are grown men, but I am worried.
I agree…No woman should be excluded from a relationship. HOWEVER, both man and woman can get selfish. Many women defend this, but I too dated once, and had my fair share of relationships. I have learned that women with more than two kids, with no father, usually has their hands full. If that is the case, YES, the man has to prepare to play a role in the kid’s life. SO WHY WOULD I NOT tell my friend “Hey man, be careful” When you have children AND issues in your life not yet resolved….YES, you are not top priority for dating or relationships. For a GOOD relationship to be established, you must put time and effort into it. Now I could have a million women dissing me on this. But I STRONGLY believe that a Woman cannot give time and effort with 4 kids, 2 baby fathers, NO actual father in the picture=NO HELP, Personal issues with themselves, and still carry on a healthy relationship. I feel that some women need time to get they’re life in order, get some peace in her life, and needs to find a man who is willing to accept fatherhood. My friend is not willing to accept fatherhood, and I don’t blame him. Especially when so many other single women with no kids and total dedication are out there. I shake my head to the man that does not understand that sometimes a woman with children needs time to fix herself, her life, before committing to a successful relationship.
Marcus

Jonesi, you took the word’s right out my mouth…and I spelled failure wrong…lol. But that’s my point exactly Jonesi. Why would you get with someone who has obviously made more than one mistake in her life? With her body especially, and taht affected her life. More than once! More than twice! Look at these women’s patterns…wouldn’t you question their integrity when it comes to a healthy relationship? Jonsei thank you, that’s all I’m trying to say. Come on people don’t act like this is a fairy tale! This is 2009, and ya’ll already know I’m trying to protect my boy from being baby father number 3. You already know young black women are having unplanned babies left and right! The economy is bad! LOL. I am telling my brother, and this goes out to all my brothers. MAKE BETTER CHOICES IN WHO YOU MAKE A COMMITMENT TO! So that way you have no regrets, and that you can fall, and truly believe in LOVE.
Jonesi

Now Marcus I am not totally agreeing with you brother because a single person with no kids could have just as many, if not more issues. But you keep bringing up issues and I don’t think “issues” is a correct focal point…I mean if I met a woman who was willinging to neglect her children to devote her time to her new man than that is even worse. The point I was trying to make was why do some of us women choose not to be more strategic when choosing whom to lie down with? That is all I am saying….for me my father was a train wreck in my eyes so I ran from every man that reminded me of him. Just as I stated in reference to delinquent children…no one, including adults, is beyond redemption. Having babies is not a mistake, it’s the action that created them when the situation isn’t condusive for that child when they arrive. It is 2009 and there is no excuse for repeating certain behaviors. But you never know what people have been through. I know women who have babies by men who don’t want them nor desire to be fathers yet they find another man of the same caliber and allow themselves to become pregnant again thus continuing the cycle…now that is what I don’t understand. It happened once…why, why, why go down the same road. It just makes me sad because I am that kid who had to work through the issues of not having an active father. So I am more sensitive when thinking about how in the end the children are the ones that really suffer. I will state this again, no I don’t think your boy should leave the woman just because she has four kids, that’s his business and maybe he is exactly the presence needed in that home….I just wonder if that woman is willing to include him on the roster of sperm donors without making him her husband first.
Truth be told when we exclude God from our everyday activities and decisons, we make life harder for ourselves…I’ve learned this the hard way and never want to make anyone believe my current situation is my doing; God has kept a firm hand over my life because while I can say all I want I don’t understand how people keep making the same mistakes, I could have easily been in the same shoes…you just have to seek God and stand your ground yet know none of us are above the next

*What glitters certainly ain’t always gold and every diamond had to go through a process for man to see it’s beauty – only time will tell and love will continue to conquer all things*
Anna

When others are not in agreement with your relationship it’s time to do a personal inventory. Weigh the pros and the cons. Most ppl are too afraid to get out of a relationship that even they know is no good for them because they deem it as a failure, and no one likes failure.
@Marcus, my hubby has a friend that only calls when he wants to say negative things about the mother of his two kids. My hubby refuses to take his side but will show him how to see things in reverse. I will admit the girl is a mess. She would drag their first child out in the cold to go to the sports bar he is dining and watching a ball game. I kept asking hubby if he has asked his friend why he does not leave her. As much as this guy wanted to get away from her he had a hard time seeing her with anyone else. I already knew what was going to happen after that, they had a second child. This woman is very clingy and obsessive. My suggestion to hubby is for them to get married so the divorce can follow. Nothing says it’s over/time to move on like a divorce. I don’t wish divorce on anyone but in some citations it is necessary.
I am one of those women who prefers not to date a man with kids. I love kids and they love me. I don’t like babymama drama. I did marry a man with no kids and I have 3. I don’t care if you get married and have kids together. The kids will always come first amd make you have to plan/make date night(which is not a bad thing). Ppl forget that kids are only kids for a minute. I can’t believe that my last child is 19. Kids grow up and leave the nest and the parents are again able to continue their honeymoon stage of marriage or in my case “finally get the honeymoon experience”. I will add that if you don’t continue to keep the communication open while raising the kids once they leave and the kids were your only connection the result is divorce. It’s like an over the road truck driver, he can’t wait for his days off to get home to his wife, once he retires he realizes he can’t stand being with his wife everyday and we know what happens next, divorce.
http://selfra.blogspot.com Dantresomi

from experience, the friends and family are usually right.

Dantresomis last blog post..
Nicole

@ Marcus and Jonesi I co-sign everything you both said.

I don’t really tell people what to do when it comes to their relationships because most of the woman I know are in their late twenties or early thirties, and they’ve already decided on the type of men they like. Therefore, I’m not even going to waste my breath. It just amazes me at how woman can continue to fall for the same type of man over and over again and never realize that those type of men are never gonna be good husbands, fathers, marry them, or even respect them enough to remain faithful.

In fact I’ve noticed that I lost a lot of friends once I married my husband. Misery loves company, and nobody wants to hear about your wonderful husband and great home life when their man is out doing dirt all the time.
http://www.theduckwalk.com TheDuckWalk

Stealing this post!
Anna

Nicole said:
@ Marcus and Jonesi I co-sign everything you both said.

In fact I’ve noticed that I lost a lot of friends once I married my husband. Misery loves company, and nobody wants to hear about your wonderful husband and great home life when their man is out doing dirt all the time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your comment does seperate a friend from a “non friend”. A true friend will always be happy for you and your marriage and will ask for advice. When my bff got married it was not a shock, they had been together since high school. My bff called me one day and I was single and asked if her husband knew anyone that he could set me up on a date with. Now I have known her and her husband forever and with all the friendly functions they have at their house I was so hoping that he did not hook me up with one of his friends that I already knew. He did not do that, thank GOD. He hooked me up with one of his coworkers, at least I knew he had a J O B. LOL. It is true that when you get married or even have a baby that relationships with the same sex do take a back burner. Only because of the “green with envy factor or because we are now a mom and a wife and going to the club does not fit into our schedule. A true friend married or not will still want a “girls night out”. She will call and say leave the kids with the hubby and I will be there to pick you up for dinner/movie or shopping at such and such time on such and such day. True friends will never abandon you but encourage and uplift you. Everybody needs a break, I don’t care how much you love your husband and kids, we still need female bonding. Now that I am older my circle of friends may be smaller but my bff’s are also my sisters. my only brother and our father. I still have my childhood bff’s and some I met after having kids and getting married in my later years of life. There is a difference between a friend and a “associate”. Everyone has lots of associates but if you have 10 bff’s in your corner you are truely blessed.
Harriet

I think a huge balancing act must take place when you know your friends/family want what is best for you, and their motives are pure, yet you still want to remain in a relationship with someone who makes you happy.

A person cannot just cut off those types of friends and family, so a balance must be found in telling them that your relationship is here to stay (if you’re married), yet still respecting and appreciating them for who they are in your life.

My moms didn’t want me to marry my husband, and in many ways, the reasons why came to pass in our relationship after we got married. Yet both of us were committed to making it work, not to prove anyone wrong, but to fulfill the purpose behind why we got married. We are far from perfect, and I’ve had to learn the hard way not to gripe and complain to the very people that never wanted us to get married in the first place. Nevertheless, I’m not willing to alientate my family/friends (some of them, anyway) just because they don’t agree with my choice in a spouse. And I’m definitely not leaving my husband just to make them happy.
MissJay

@Jonesi and Marcus

That’s what I’m talking about too. Why do we as women let this happen over and over again? And for the guy dating the woman with kids and does not want to be a father figure, then he does not need to be dating someone with kids. What if he wants kids later and her having 4 already doesn’t want more? Then would he resent her for having all those kids and now he doesn’t have someone to pass his bloodline down to?

@Anna

I love what you said about girls night and cosign your entire last post!
Harriet

has anyone seen “Not Easily Broken” yet? that movie addresses some of the issues we’re discussing in this forum. i really enjoyed and highly recommend it!
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

I, too, co-sign what Marcus had to say. Somebody needs to talk to his wonderful brother’s girlfriend and let her know that it’s time for her to upgrade. Why has she relegated herself to a position of being this man’s bed woman/plaything when he’s not ready to accept fatherhood. It’s obvious that she’s allowed these types of men in her life before (men not ready for fatherhood), and she’s repeating the cycle. (That’s keeping in mind that we know only the story that the wonderful friend is telling his boys and not what he’s telling her.)

She needs to put herself in timeout and work on herself. I don’t understand why single mothers take the Susan Smith drive-the-kids-into-the-lake-because-my-boyfriend-doesn’t-want-to-date-a-woman-with-kids approach to dating, when there are glowing examples of women who were single mothers when they got married: Cathy Hughes (chairperson and founder of TV-One), Dr. Maya Angelou, Susan L.Taylor, Iyanla Vanzant, J.K. Rowling…

Pastor Paula White always says that what you focus on longest is what grows strongest in your life. This woman needs to stop focusing on the media propaganda that good men don’t date women with children, and align herself with the great women in this country who have made inroads with children in tow: Katie Couric, Valerie Jarrett (Barack Obama’s adviser), Joy Mangano, Debbie Phelps, Dr. Donda West, Princess Diana, Paula Deen, Gayle King, Sarah Ferguson, Solange Knowles.

Once she commands better for herself, she’ll get better for her and her kids.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..Kimora Lee Simmons, Djimon Hounsou Expecting a Baby!
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@Harriett,

I saw the movie, and highly recommend it as well. That one does need to be its own post.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..Kimora Lee Simmons, Djimon Hounsou Expecting a Baby!
MissJay

@Harriett

I want to see that movie asap! Not just because if has sexual chocolate Morris Chestnut in it LOL
Harriet

@ MissJay

ROFL @ “sexual chocolate.” girl, you ain’t got no sense!

seriously, though, it’s a very mature role for him, and he and taraji rocked it! i thoroughly enjoyed it, especially given the fact that it was from a man’s point of view, which is a rarity in movies of this caliber.

i appreciate tyler perry and td jakes flipping the script in their recent works to show that all men (especially all black men) are not thugs and no good. there are just as many good men being done wrong as there are good women. how do THEY cope with it?

i don’t want to spoil the movie, so i won’t. but like i said, it has plenty of the undertones that this forum discusses…so for once, i’m not off topic with my comments! LOL
Jonesi

Hmmmm Morris Chestnut!!!!! Oh my could barely pay attention to movie because I was so focused on him. Ok I am off topic but I just have to publicly celebrate the physical perfection that is Morris Chestnut, hahah and I’m not even in to older men but he is the ultimate exception…by the way support Nototrious! I felt it was tastefully done considering the storyline
Harriet

LOL @ Jonesi

Morris is aight. I felt like that too until I saw him at the airport in LA. I have nothing against short men, but the cameras make him look a whole lot taller than he really is. I thought the brother was at least 6′. He probably is only 5’8″ at the most. The magic of cameras is amazing! There’s no telling what else they can enhance.
Jonesi

@Harriet those are fighting words…besides I’m 5’1 on a good day so that’s perfecting fine with me!

In regard to the topic, the fam and friends who have been in your life see things about us that many times we are unable to and personally I don’t know how anyone could fool themselves into thinking their happy when they have to separate from their family for their partner. It may seem right at the time but no one is worth me distancing myself from my family regardless of the situation. It’s an unhealthy state of being which is why I made sure my mother and younger sisters felt totally comfortable with my boyfriend from the start because I trust them. Now I of course am now saying others’ opinions are golden but they are valid and it just makes life easier because I never, personally, want to be in any position in life where I don’t have my famly around….and my fiance can atest to fam and friends being right about a problematic mate…his last girlfriend was a wreck but he didn’t listen lol
MissJay

@Jonesi

Are we sisters or twins or something? LOL My fiancé’s baby mama is the same and his family can not stand her and vice versa. She’s not even welcome in their home. I too feel that family is important. And I agree that family and friends sometimes have a better view of the person. They say love is blind and like in Eve’s song “it can take over your mind”. A lot of times you can’t see those flaws but others around you can.
LaKeysha

@ Hariret
I feel you on that! We had some people not at all happy with our decision to get married and some of those reasons were very valid. But we are comitted to working through our problems and I cannot imagine my life without him.

@Marcus
I’m not sure if you’ve done this or not but please tell your friend that he is being GROSSLY irresponsible by dating a woman with 4 children that he does not see himself marrying! A hypocrite will criticise a woman for having 4 kids and 2 baby daddies but lay down and have sex with her thereby possibly making himself baby daddy number 3 with no committment, just like the rest.
A lot of women are looking for love in the wrong way. And youth makes you do immature things like continuing to have babies without being married. But then again, marriage can be a scarcity in many environments and not even expected.

Also make sure you take everything he says with a grain of salt because there are always two sides to a story, “a man is always right in his own eyes”(The Bible). So I doubt he told you everything he’s doing wrong in the relationship becuase I gaurantee you that if she was so horrible and he was an angel in addition to the added responsibility of helping her with her children then he would have BEEN GONE! I dont care how FINE she is.

In general…
As for relationships in general a REAL Friend will try to get to know their bff’s bf/gf BEFORE stating an opinion ( not based on what the bff said). Then a real friend is obligated to share their concerns with their bff. After that, LEAVE IT ALONE. Your only job then is to help that friend make the best of it, giving helpful advice that does not end in “you need to break up with them”.
MissJay

@LaKeysha

I agree with your assesment of the bff’s role. That was greatly said and well put!
Marcus

I’ll check that movie out as soon as I can. Great comments folks, great points made.
Harriet

@ Marcus,

Where have you been? I actually thought you were going to give me some competition with this Top commentator award. LOL
Marcus

You’re wooping my behind! I guess that proves the theory. A man cannot out-argue a woman. LOL
Crystal

In fact I’ve noticed that I lost a lot of friends once I married my husband. Misery loves company, and nobody wants to hear about your wonderful husband and great home life when their man is out doing dirt all the time.

AMEN….. I thought it was just me
Harriet

@ Marcus,

Who’s arguing? I’m sure you’d say the same thing if we were on the basketball court. LOL Just kidding! Man, come on, though. You’ve gotta leave comments…not to beat me (because you can’t), but you’re a newbie, and along with AttorneyMom, Carl and a couple of others, y’all add a lot to this site! We want to hear what you have to say!
Anonymous

i always tell peolple to make a list of the good things about a person and the bad. that will be the answer for you. if you are having a hard time finding good things to write about run. then you have to ask yourself will my life be better with or without this person. based on that answer make your move. a very good one is to say can i accept this person the way they are? if the answer is not yes move on because you only have the power to change yourself. you can only make the call for yourself but when someone is trying to tell you something my mother would say you have to eat the whole fish but spit out the bones that means listen but know what to keep.
Harriet

@ anonymous,

those are wise words, for real! i don’t think it can be emphasized enough that the only person i can control is myself. that’s such an important revelation to understand prior to getting married.
http://mindsexchronicles.blogspot.com/ Drob

What your community of family and friends have to say, can carry some weight. Even though you and your partner are the only two in a relationship, as individuals we still have to keep a working relationship with the outside world. I also think that if we are particular about who we call our friends, then maybe the quality of their perspectives can’t be ignored. I assume that’s what true friends are for. A good debate with a sound thinking friend can possibly bring about a new perspective during the conversation. The final call is still yours to make. A true friend will respect that decision.

mindsexchronicles.blogspot.com
http://www.happyhomebakery.com mochazina

OH YEAH! We had some SEVERE opposition to our union! Thing is, though I completely understand where they were coming from, there was something bigger at work. Long story short: barely knew each other, no dating, God sed do it, so we did at ages 20 & 19.
Like I sed, I get where they were coming from, but sometimes even the most well meaning (and possibly even correct in their assessment of the situation) family or friends can give advice or suggestions that are not right for YOUR life’s path.
May I submit to precede the entire list: Trust God.
Joismom

That’s how it always is. Men say they want a nice girl, a good girl, but they don’t. Nice guys like women that bring drama, cause stress and pain.