What Does It Take To Be a Good Parent?

Parenting

by Lamar Tyler | on January 25th, 2009 | 13 comments

Tara Pringle Jefferson is a freelance writer from Ohio, where she lives with her husband and two kids. Visit her blog, TheYoungMommyLife.com, for daily musings about the issues young moms face.

My days of having only one child are behind me and I’m overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. On one hand, I feel like my life is suddenly making sense and my family is complete. On the other hand, I feel like my world is completely out of control. Two kids, two sets of demands, same amount of time in the day – utter chaos. (For those with two-plus kid who are laughing at me for complaining about only having two kids, please keep it to a minimum. Thanks.)

These past two years have taught me a lot about motherhood. I thought I had an idea of what a good mom was – someone who loves their child more than life itself, someone who has unwavering patience and an inclination to parent with love at all times.

But putting those things into practice everyday is harder than I thought and I’m still learning what it means to be a good mother.

I truly struggle with motherhood. Everyone sees the mom that I want them to see. No, I’m not at home beating my daughter or anything like that, but I get frustrated with my parenting abilities on a daily basis. Every day I’m wondering if I did this right or if I did something wrong, or if I’ll ever learn how to do X-Y-Z. It’s a constant guessing game.

Now that I have two kids, I wonder: Will I ever feel like a mommy vet? Will I ever truly feel like I know what I’m doing? Will I ever just get it? Or does it take a lifetime of parenting, of loving, of teaching, in order to feel secure in your abilities?

All I know is that I love my kids. Love ‘em to death. Would do anything for them. Will do anything for them. I think when your kids know the truth behind those statements, that’s when you are a good parent.

What about you, BMWK.com readers? Do you feel secure in your parenting abilities or do you still feel like you’re winging it?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Harriet

To be honest with you, I’m still waiting for my instructions manual for my son. All this guessing game stuff frustrates me. I think for me, I had life under some semblance of control and predictability before I had him. All that went out of the window with one final “PUSH” from my husband and doctor.

I do the best I can…I surround myself with mothers I admire and emulate some of their routine with their children…I would kill a brick if someone was messing with my son…

BUT…

I don’t know if I’ll ever be secure in my parenthood. All I know, like you, is that I love my child. I’ll leap over buildings with a single bound, I’ll be faster than a speeding bullet, etc. Nothing can change the fact that he came from me. Nothing will change the fact that my son from another mother is connected to me as well.

I just don’t think I’ll ever have it down pat…and if I do, they’ll probably be at an age where they’re ready to move out and make their own life for themselves. LOL
http://www.mybrownbaby.blogspot.com MyBrownBaby

Girl, welcome to motherhood. I doesn’t get easier–ever. But you love them the same, do the best you can, and stay informed… the hallmarks of a great mom.

MyBrownBabys last blog post..Say What? Steamy Talk In Mickey Mouse’s House
Tiya

Tara,

You are not alone. I also have two children, and there are times when I felt overwhelmed. But it helped me to practice patience and lean on my loved ones (hubby, momma and mother-in-law) whenever I felt overwhelmed. Cause mommyhood is not easy. Stay prayed up, don’t think you have to be superwoman it is okay to ask for help and just continue to love them like you do and do the best you can. You can’t go wrong with that. And here’s the secret, it gets easier as they get older, believe me. I’m saying that now, but catch up with me in a couple of years when my oldest daughter becomes a teen, arghhhh!
dj

As someone said earlier, stay prayed up. I had three boys and a girl. What worked for me, well I had so many hobbies photography, astronomy, music, etc. I decided I would introduce my three to all of my hobbies. I wasn’t supermom and my home wasn’t spotless but my main focus was in developing God fearing, good leaders for tomorrow. God has truly blessed. Find what works for you. Sure you sacrifice now, you give up part of your life but, this a unique time in theirs and your life. Enjoy it. You may not feel like now, but one day you will look back and wonder what happened to the time. Take plenty of pics!
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

Tara,

Welcome to motherhood. It’s not a success-only journey, but somehow things do work out.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..PDA in the White House
Anna

For anyone to ask that question , it speaks for itself, and if you are not “winging it” your’re not doing it right. LOL.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheMom

We have 4 kids from age 15 to 1 and I still feel like I need a manual!!

TheMoms last blog post..Celebs Behind the Scenes at Obama “We Are One” Concert
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

@TheMom – having my expertise and hands on approach is the only thing that saves you from day to day
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@TheMom,

Welcome to the world of lifelong learning. There is no manual. And whoever told you that it ends when they turned 18, flat out told a tale. It’s more like til death do us part.

Don’t get me wrong because I don’t mean that in a co-dependent kind of way. But, your kids will always be your kids. And even when they’re adults, you’ll be asking yourself if you should step in or hold back, speak up or shut up, help them stay afloat or let them drown…and then rescue them, of course.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..PDA in the White House
http://www.thebottomofheaven.com Claudia

I can most definitely relate, Tara! Yes, I’m “winging it” too. But what has helped me the most over the last few years (besides my therapist – smile), is sharing my experiences with other moms. Just like you’re doing on this blog. I remember hating the fact that I seemed to be falling into the same traps, making the same mistakes, and complaining about the same things as every other new parent. Now I truly find comfort in the fact that my struggles aren’t necessarily due to anything I’ve done wrong – sometimes it is all just a part of the parenting process.

I’ve also had to re-define my understanding of what makes a “good” mom. My expectations were very unrealistic when I got started. (This also goes for the expectations that I had for my husband as well.) I’m getting better, not quite there yet, but I find that it helps to take a step back and say things like: I got my little girl off to school, worked all day, made it to the gym, picked her up, stopped by the drugstore, etc. – so why should I feel bad about ordering pizza tonight?!?!? LOL.

Thanks for this post.

Claudias last blog post..The Inaugural Poem You Haven’t Heard
Anna

I will agree that parenting does not stop at our kids turning 18. Being a parent does not have an age limit. 2/3 of my kids have found their way back home. Not because they are making me a grandparent but because our economy still is in despair. Both kids can’t find a “paying job”/ how much is a kid willing to volunteer for free before they get fed up? How much is a parent willing to spend on a kid back in the nest before we get upset that they are too old to ask us for money? Time will tell. I love me kids and I thought I raised them to take care of themselves. Our economy even brings kids in college back home to find another college to attend and wait on next semester to apply. It is what it is. I will always be a parent and I know that my kids don’t know that I too took a hit on my IRA/401K. I am a parent at the beginning of the day and at the end of the day I would never turn my back on my kids. I do want them to keep their room clean and take the garbage out. But I don’t expect them to pay rent, I just want them to clean up the mess they make as I expected when they were younger.
http://www.singlemomandmore.com Lisa Maria Carroll

@Anna,

My pastor used to say that they leave home as one and come back as two or three. But, like you, that wasn’t the case with me either. They came back because no matter what, my kids know that there’s no place like home.

Lisa Maria Carrolls last blog post..PDA in the White House
http://www.charactercorner.blogspot.com attorneymom

Your post really struck a cord with me. I am a married mother of 3 children (Ages 11, 9 and 7). I am a corporate attorney with long hours and a long commute to go along with them. I am exhausted when I come home. My husband is a very “hands on” type dad, but I still feel overwhelmed.

@TheMom: I need a manual and a lottery win. For real.

attorneymoms last blog post..SIDEBAR HUMOR: THE SWEETNESS OF MARRIED LIFE by unknown author

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