Jonesi’s Journey – So Long Modest Wedding Party…..Waving Goodbye

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by Lamar Tyler | on January 9th, 2009 | 31 comments

Right now I’m still on winter break; one of the many luxuries of being a full-time graduate student. Anyway, this evening I decided to utilize my free bridal planner to start mapping out the wedding details. Yes it would probably be a better idea to put all this information in an excel spreadsheet but I just enjoy physically writing things out – it’s like my mind processes things better that way! *shrugs shoulders* Initially I wanted to cap the parties to six people on both sides but the end result is dramatically different. How so? Drumroll please………TEN bridesmaids (well my 13 year old sister is apart of the total as a junior bridesmaid) and SEVEN groomsmen!!!!!!! But the funny thing about it is I’m comfortable with that. Rather than dwell on the fact that I have a mini choir participating in the wedding (haha), I feel blessed to have so many wonderful friends and relatives. I mean really, I would hate to be that bride who has to ask random co-workers to be her bridesmaids. (I wonder if that has ever really happened – if so, I apologize for the bad joke….kinda (lol) lighten up!

But I have a slight dilemma. I asked one of my line sisters to be a bridesmaid who is a phenomenal singer. Initially I asked her to sing and later asked her to be a bridesmaid as well. But as I have begun envisioning how I’d like the ceremony to be, it seems impossible for her to fill both roles. So I asked her if she would mind foregoing the bridesmaid slot and do me the honor of serenading my guest. I tried my best to put myself in her shoes and didn’t feel this was an out of order request….but then again, I have this nagging inclination this may not go over well. I, in no way want her to feel isolated but I felt her talent could be better utilized then just merely standing there; which is the only thing in my mind that changes.

Another issue that arose was the participation of my fiance’s sisters whom are both over 18. I asked one sister but not the other against my better judgement and just recently asked the other sister because I really didn’t feel comfortable with that decision. In addition my fiance allowed me to add two of my “brothers” (we all have those) to his side so I felt is was only fair to do the same. I mean at this point we are over our ideal number and I love his sisters like my own so why not?!?

Needless to say this bridal party process has been complicated but it’s only one day – the biggest day of my life really – and I would hate to burn any bridges in the process. Though everyone keeps feeling the need to remind me it’s MY day and should be all about me and the boo (I mean duh yet our future doesn’t revolve around the outcome of this event in my opinion), in my heart this is a celebration for everyone in our lives who have helped us get to this point or just made a positive imprint in our lives along the way as well. I cringe when I see brides get so caught up in the hoopla and stuck on themselves. As for me, no bridezilla here! Just a young girl in love and looking forward to celebrating it with everyone on our special day.Check back regularly as we chronicle Jonesi’s trip to the alter here on Blackandmarriedwithkids.com!

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

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Comments (31)

King James Friday - 09 / 01 / 2009 Reply

I guess I need to go back and read you entries.. cool. Let us know how folks are reacting to your requests... I'd liek to know how she took you wanting her to sing vs stand. lol As long as folks are telling you that it's YOUR day, you're good. When YOU start saying it... then they'll be problems. ROO What colors do you and your sisters wear?
MissJay Friday - 09 / 01 / 2009 Reply

You are not alone! LOL Good luck in everything!!!! When's the wedding again?
Yu.know.what Friday - 09 / 01 / 2009 Reply

Hey Jonesi-- I recently got married and understand all that you're going through. Unlike you, I had just 3 BM and 3 GM. You're a brave soul taking up a 10+ bridal party!! Good luck with everything!
Anna Sunday - 11 / 01 / 2009 Reply

Yes it is your day and you have every right to add or delete. LOL. If you have someone in your circle with a beautiful voice I too think she would be better seated to sing than to "walk the line". Good luck and as always I enjoy the updates.
Teems Monday - 12 / 01 / 2009 Reply

Lol@ "I mean really, I would hate to be that bride who has to ask random co-workers to be her bridesmaids." That was like on 'Bride wars'? Did you see it? I did. I couldn’t resist the urge. It is truly a blessing to have so many people want to participate in your wedding. I literally have two people begging me for a role. Like Yu.Know.What, I am only having three on each side. I have been trying my best not to budge on this situation because it can get out of hand. (I was one of 11 BMs before) That only means more organizing for the bride. Making sure everyone is fitted and on time. God forbid they don’t get along. One thing I have learned is to never make decisions for your based on what you think others will think. It will be impossible to have the wedding of our dreams pleasing everyone else. I’m with Anna. I have a friend that hinted bridesmaid but she is a makeup artist so that is a must better role for her. She didn’t have a problem with that because she it going to play a part bigger than holding my dress. I learned the heard way and I still have 9 months left. I know the pressure you are under just to have a good time. Good luck.
Jonesi Monday - 12 / 01 / 2009 Reply

@King James - Only the first, finest and most fab colorsa around! lol and the funny this about it is I refuse to have my bridesmaids wear pink dresses and red is actually my favorite color but didn't want to go that route. My fiance is an Alpha so out wedding colors are black, gold, and ivory with pink roses and calla lilly flowers :-) @Yu.know.what - Right now I am down to eight and one junior which is still way more than I really expected to have. It is a big undertaking I admit, but I'm taking it one day at a time... @Anna - I told you in the beginning there would be no drama, because that was my goal, but I admit I was wrong lol. Women just have a way of making a big deal of the littlest things lol...I can say my line sister was more than willing to do what I needed of her and I appreciated her understanding more than she knows. @Teems - I didn't know that movie was out yet! I am looking forward to it too....it looked extremely funny! You know, I was very excited about the wedding but now I am struggling with how I feel about everything. I'm finding it really hard not to let people steal my joy. I think the most difficut part I am experiencing is my grandmother's comments about how much of a waste this wedding is and how she hopes I don't get a divorce soon after. I know she means well but I can't seem to shake how those comments make me feel...and she said it on the phone again yesterday. I even lay around wondering if I should call everything off now before we spend too much and just elope because it feel slightly like no one cares and my fiance really rather elope anyway. I guess I just just expected this to be alot more fun but it's been chaos and drama with people who feel they need to be apart, bitter married people who do nothing but warn me about how hard my life is about to get, and the cost is quite depressing too lol. So I just needed to vent but I don't know what to do....by the way like your blog :-)
Teems Tuesday - 13 / 01 / 2009 Reply

OH FAMILY! Dont get me started. People are pushing their own view on me with silly stuff like whether to have 2, 3 or no options for main dishes. And my grandmother could care less about "fancy stuff" and shes one of the more important people in my life. Elopment has crossed my mine numerous times. Such a headache but I like to finish whatever I start so I am in for the long haul. Haha. I think I deserve a little celebration. I honestly thought I was going to be the budget bride. That is so not going to happen. I already know it! Which blog? The wedding one I was assume. To think I was going to delete that too. :-) Thanks!
Anonymous Tuesday - 13 / 01 / 2009 Reply

are you the jonesi that talked about the little boy if so you should not be on this blog because it is a positive thing BMWK is offering to the readers.we do not need to hear from you.
Jonesi Tuesday - 13 / 01 / 2009 Reply

Or you could not read my post and stop anonymously corrupting my words and this site :-) But then again you seem to enjoy drama so welcome!
Anonymous Wednesday - 14 / 01 / 2009 Reply

how small of you.
Arlice Nichole Wednesday - 14 / 01 / 2009 Reply

Whew! You got a lot going on. I did not have a wedding, my husband and I snuck and got married while in college, lol! However, my intuition is rarely wrong. I say go with how you feel. It is your day, but I think you it might be on your mind on this special day that you may have hurt someone's feelings and you don't want that. You want to be fully concentrated on your man and the future that lies ahead. Where's your wedding planner?! She is supposed to stress for you...Right? Or is that the bridesmaid? Arlice Nicholes last blog post..Today's Top Tip: Careful What You Throw Away
Jonesi Wednesday - 14 / 01 / 2009 Reply

Actually not as small as I would like(but hopefully I can make some major progress before my wedding) but then again I've never referred to someone's children (or future for that matter) as "losers". This shall be the last time I acknowledge any of your comments. Be blessed :-)
Jonesi Wednesday - 14 / 01 / 2009 Reply

@Arlice - I have a wedding planner for the reception but am doing everything else on my own with the help from my wonderful fam and friends. I am pleased to say I have gotten the count down to 8 bridesmaids and 1 junior (my 13 yr old sis) and I am pleased with that. My youngest aunt is going to sing so God has worked it out. I am reading an interesting book, thanks to Lamar, that is helping me put this wedding process and my future marriage into perspective...I was just a bit stressed when I wrote this post :-) But it's all good now and though a wedding may not be the best use of money in this economy (I can acknowledge that) I am just grateful and excited and more than anything blessed to be able to have one. I've been very intentional about my life and when I look back, I am becoming who I wanted to be in a roundabout way...yea I have had some major bumps in the road but overall I am happy :-) And this isn't just about me. I am the first to get married in my family since my grandmother so this is a very proud moment for all involved. The funny thing is my fiance comes from a family where marriage (and re-marriage) is very common but this is the first actual "big" wedding. But neither one of us is caught up in the celebration more than this big step we are taking and I am very mindful to remember what's most important of all - our commitment to one another before God :-)
Jonesi Wednesday - 14 / 01 / 2009 Reply

@Teems - I was looking at your regular blog (the one where you talked about seeing your friend's man on a date lol)...I have to find your wedding blog...
Harriet Wednesday - 14 / 01 / 2009 Reply

@ Jonesi, Now I'm starting to understand why this wedding is so important to you. You have become a curse breaker to your family, and it's important to celebrate that union. It seems to me that the challenges you are encountering are not only drama at its best, but also a level of spiritual warfare that you're going to have to fight through. That's not to say if you elope, God will not bless your marriage. But what He is going to put together in October is making a statement to the kingdom of the enemy. Your union is telling the Lord that you all are not only committed to one another, but to the institution that God reserved for His creation to enjoy. I'll be praying with and for you. I think this is beautiful, and your day is not only going to be blessed, but it's going to send an eternal ripple to the lines of both your families. I'm excited for you!
Teems Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

---->ROTFL!!!! People really liked that one. I hope I dont become famous for it and my friend finds out. I really dont want to revist that drama again...EVER! So uncomfortable. The Mom and Dad should make that a topic if they havent already. (what would you do if you found your friends significant other cheating?). People always think they know what they do until it happens. Yea, that blog is here to stay. lmao. I rarely upate the other one but it will help me vent eventually. davidandfatima.wordpress.com Teemss last blog post..Prison
Anonymous Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

did i rub you wrong because you tried to insult a kid now you know how that feels
Harriet Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

@ Anonymous, I think you've made your point. Can you please cease and desist with the disrespectful comments towards Jonesi? Yes, the two of you disagreed on ONE POINT. For you to follow her all over BMWK and engage in all these vituperations is unneccessary. I respect and appreciate your passion for children. We need more people out there willing to be a voice for those who may not have a voice (and out of curiosity, what is your stance on abortion?). However, you do an injustice to your stance when you begin to engage in childish antics to get your point across. I say all that with the utmost respect.
Jonesi Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

@Teems - But that situation just confirms why sometimes it's best to just mind your business. I have seen that scene play out one too many times...but the crazy part is if you hadn't told her and she found out you knew then she would have been pissed as well. So really you did the right thing...it just brought clarity about the state of your relationship with her. I personally would have called my friend while in the restaurant and handed the phone to dude...or better yet knowing me I would have whipped out my Blackberry and snapped a quick photo! haha...but I can be real outlandish at times unfortunately...
Jonesi Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

@Harriet - Please refer to this person's comments about my future "loser" kids (lol)...passionate advocate? I think not which is why I am no longer responding to this silliness. I said the boy looked agressive only to find out in real life, according to Lamar, he is "turched"! lol...I don't feel bad and this stalking is more than annoying.... By the way Harriet I have three Godsons and I work as a service-learning coordinator with elementary students AND I have a 7 yr old sister...bashing kids is not my thing :-)
Harriet Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

@ Jonesi, I have no doubts about your passion and care for children. I just think this exchange is proof positive that written words, no matter what motivations were behind them, are not an accurate enough means of communication. Some people will just choose to take them the wrong way. Me...I'm just tired of reading that kind of negativity. It's a poor reflection of what the original premises of BMWK are all about. Anonymous should request your e-mail address or something if he or she is going to carry on like this. After reading all that foolishness, do you still think I'm the e-thug? LOL! I see you trying (unsuccessfully, of course) to catch up with me! ROFL
Jonesi Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

haha...no I have down-graded you to just an e-bully!! haha...but seriously I said he looked bad and I meant it because he reminds me of a the son a very close family friend who I often tell her that her son IS bad at times (I had to keep myself from putting him out my car at McDonald's to teach him a lesson of tough love) and the only jokey part was that I said he looked like Biggie's son because I had to take a double take because he physically resembles him (I wasn't paying attention)- I'm not explaining myself anymore because those comments weren't malicious. I don't dish out false apologies.
King James Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

Hey J.. happy 101th!
King James Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

sorry 101st!!!
Harriet Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

@ jonesi, No apologies necessary, for real. We're here to grow, learn from one another, live, laugh and love. Any other motivation, quite possibly is counterproductive. As far as the best commentator is concerned, imagine me singing a song from Yo-Gabba-Gabba (when you have children, you'll know what I'm talking about...or ask your godson or little sister): "Keep trying...keep trying...don't give up...don't give up...you'll find a way...you'll find a way...if you don't give up." LOL!
Jonesi Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

@Harriet - haha man you are relentless!!! Just remember I have way more time on my hands...I'm a grad student with no kids that works part-time but honestly the reward is talking to everyone on here. This is what I love and why I decided to get my master's in communication and teach it. I am facinated by the concept of communication and honestly it pains me not to get all "professor-ish" when you make certain points that relate to interesting theories I've studied. @KJ - SKEE-ROO....Thanks!
Anonymous Thursday - 15 / 01 / 2009 Reply

vey blessed
Anonymous Friday - 16 / 01 / 2009 Reply

you all should be ready to grow but let me tell you this, that is my opinion and i will voice it. i am through with this so i will be clear, we should not disrespect people and think it is funny. blank stare and all. so when you disrespect then you leave yourself open for this kind of response.how rude is lmao blank stare.
Anna Monday - 19 / 01 / 2009 Reply

I forgot to come back to this post, but finally did and read omments afer mine. Wow. Ppl get overwhelmed and tired in planning a wedding, once married you argue over things that have nothing to do with you. Me and huuby had a debate about Beyonce, working her way into singing at the Presidental Ball and the first dance for Our President and The First Lady. I asked hubby "what is she going to sing" If you like it than you should have put a ring on it, or Irreplaceable, while wearing next to nothing shaking what her mamma gave her in front of our next president. In a marriage one usually does debate/argue over something that has nothing to do with them.
Anna Monday - 19 / 01 / 2009 Reply

comments, not omments.
Jonesi Wednesday - 28 / 01 / 2009 Reply

@Anna - That is one thing I know I will have to work on...my temper! My fiance likes to go back and forth just because he knows it gets under my skin - especially when the topic is something he could care less about lol...so maybe I will be more mindful in the future about what I talk to him about...I just wish he would be more enthusiastic or interested sometimes *shrugging shoulders* and though it's been a little over four years I can't remember if he has always been that way and I was so gone off of him in the beginning I just didn't notice lmao...either way it's really annoying now...