Dear BMWK, What’s The Difference Between A Good Girlfriend and a Good Wife?

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on February 2nd, 2009 | 24 comments

Dear BMWK,

How do you know what makes a good wife? I don’t mean when you’re already married, but before then. How would you say you can tell the difference between someone that makes a good girlfriend versus someone that would make a good wife?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

I have to get ready for work so I’ll add more later but to start with I’d say basically it’s the future. You and the girlfriend are living in that moment. You and your wife are living permanent so wifey can’t be Ms. Right Now she has to be someone you can roll with for keeps. Someone that’s with you, evenly yoked, headed in the same direction, common long term goals, etc… That’s my quick pre work answer. I’ll come back later.
King James

I don’t really like this question.

I do understand that the author wants to know how we can tell when a woman is ‘wifey material,’ I just don’t think that this is the best question. I feel like in order to make it to the ‘I’m a good wife’ stage, you probably need to be a good girlfriend at some point.

So… how’s this… What’s the difference b/n a woman who’s wife-material and one who’s not? (or some form …)

So, what I look for are PLANS. And even before there is a WE, I like to know how she is handling her life. What’s up with her finances, exboyfriends, friendships, health, personality. I’m unattracted to those who seem to be happy with where they are. And that’s not the same as “I’m extremely overweight and I love my self regardless,”… but it’s more of “I’m extremely overweight and this is what I’m doing about it while loving myself regardless.” (don’t get lost in the example folks)

So I can echo the statements above. I can see permanence with her.
http://singlikesassy.blogspot.com SingLikeSassy

The difference is that the girlfriend ain’t your wife.
http://politicalmusic.wordpress.com Political Pete

I’m not married (and never have been) so this is an interesting question to me. I know one thing that I’ve noticed in unsuccessful marriages (as opposed to healthy) is that sometimes the couples have not discussed everything THOROUGH before taking that step.

There is a book, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do” that kind of sums up things that should be discussed. There is like a His/Her view and Our View. Sounds corny but it kind of forces you to discuss everything.

Now aside from the textbook answer, King James asked about “wifey material.” You don’t really know a person until you lived with them. lol. I don’t recommend shacking up… but you should spend some time pretty much “fake living” at the others spot to see how they roll. lol.

Political Petes last blog post..Obama and Sports
http://joeblessing.wordpress.com/ Joe Blessing

I think at the root of the question is the notion that you can be with someone, and everythings seems great in terms of your relationship and how you realate to one another, but there may be some critical elements the a woman this going to be a wife has that a goodfriend does not. I imagine every good friend may not have what it takes to be a wife.

Me and my ex had the same values, goals, ideas about how to raise kids, etc. But since she’s an ex, something was not right. A friend suggested that maybe I fell in love with a girl that was a great girlfriend but did not have what it took to move to the next level.

Joe Blessings last blog post..Day 20 After Break-up-Blessed Anger
LaKeysha

I think two people can make a marriage work no matter what. The only thing is that both have to work hard and be committed to making that happen.

But I dont think you KNOW (if the good gf/bf will be a good wife/husband) until you’ve married that person. And you dont know if that person will be committed to making it work (as is evidenced by the high divorce rate in our country).

I can only speak from experience and say that my expectations went to a higher level once we got married. And I couldn’t have predicted that that would happen. So some things that were good about my bf became a challenge in a husband (and the same with me).

I think its because, like TheDad said, when you’re dating youre living in the moment and have no idea what the future will hold.

Me and my honey went to premarital counseling, talked about our goals and future and even lived together (which both of us felt convicted about) but none of that REALLY prepared us for how we would feel once we said “I do”. Everything was really great at first but then we were thrown loops that we never thought we would have to deal with and reacted in ways that we did not predict. We had both thought each other the best thing since chocolate milk but after getting married we asked ourselves several times “why did I marry her/him?”

But the best thing for me and my honey is that we both have a shared foundation in God. We rely on the Bible as our guide for principles on how we should act. Even though The Bible does not always talk about the specifics of our situations, it does give us a guide on how to act and treat each other within those situations. We find that our individual relationships with God compell us to be better to each other and that the convictions within will not allow us to continue certain behaviors. After 2 years of marriage we have found out that we are both perfect (works in progress) for each other.

Not having a common foundation is what the Bible calls being unequally yoked and is one major thing to consider when trying to figure out if the good girlfriend will be a good wife.
Harriet

LaKeysha Said:

But I dont think you KNOW (if the good gf/bf will be a good wife/husband) until you’ve married that person. And you dont know if that person will be committed to making it work (as is evidenced by the high divorce rate in our country).

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That’s so true! My husband and I went through 4 wedding dates and 9 months of premarital counseling. I felt like I had to observe him more before taking that final step, and for a time, I was nervous about some habits I saw (cleanliness being a huge one).

At any rate, I think if a person knows they eventually want to have kids, observing them with children to determine their parenthood potential is always a good thing to look at prior to getting married. I have to co-sign with KJ about plans and whether or not they have a tendency to settle for less than what they have the potential to deserve.

It’s tough out there…I’m glad I’m not single anymore!
King James

Harriet, seems like marriage life is tougher than being single.. some would say.

And I assume that you all went through 4 wedding dates… b/c … well um… HE was nervous about some habits… (YOU TALKING so much!)

just kidding. great points
http://joeblessing.wordpress.com/ Joe Blessing

Soo, no way to tell. Meaning that I could go through this again.

THAT SUCKS!

I’m real excited now.

Joe Blessings last blog post..Day 20 After Break-up-Blessed Anger
Harriet

@ KJ

You make a good point. I think either lifestyle (single or married) is tough, but they just pose different types of challenges. Like I would never have to worry about your problem…whether or not someone would accept you and your chronic halitosis. My husband just loves the fact that I’m breathing, teeth brushed or not. P Just kidding!

@ Joe

I think it’s a half empty/half full perspective. That’s the beauty of falling in love, learning more about yourself and another in the process, learning what you’re willing and unwilling to tolerate, translating the unique language of the other person…all these things are important to a marital relationship. Just like you can’t have a rose without thorns, you’re not going to have a successful marriage without a little friction every now and then. Ironically enough, through friction, I have become closer and closer to my husband, and the same vice versa. Now, don’t get me wrong…I ain’t starting no arguments (excuse the double negatives, but that vernacular is necessary for the statement I’m trying to make) just so we can make up, but when we do fuss, we learn how to relate to one another more compassionately (and passionately, for that matter).
King James

ok, that was funny. u win
Harriet

quitter.
LaKeysha

you, lady and gentleman, are hilarious
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Taj

There is no difference. A good woman is a good woman. Ofcourse, there are some bad apples out there. And then again you know when you have a winner on your hand. If she is a good girlfriend; you better put a ring on it. If not; she’ll be a good wife for the next John.lol
Anna

Taj said:
There is no difference. A good woman is a good woman. Ofcourse, there are some bad apples out there. And then again you know when you have a winner on your hand. If she is a good girlfriend; you better put a ring on it. If not; she’ll be a good wife for the next John.
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Bingo. If someone can’t see your true colors after even dating briefly it was them who was not looking for the whole package but was so desperate to be married. As Harriet always says, “I can only change me”. It is up to us what flaws from our mates that we are willing to over look. If she likes to shop before you get married don’t think that gene is going to disappear, she will just have more money to do it, yours, mine and ours. LOL. Some ppl are only looking for a spouse to stroke their ego or help them climb the career ladder. To each his own.
kim h20s

this isn’t really a question about whether a woman has ‘moved’ to the next level from girlfriend to wifey, this question applies equally to men ‘what’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband’?.

a boyfriend / girlfriend wants things to be perfect and is willing to leave in search in that perfection. a spouse looks for the perfection in you.
http://joeblessing.wordpress.com/ Joe Blessing

I like that answer, even though its not something that you can view or measure. It does sound similar to somethng a friend of mine says constantly, which is that the miracle of marriage is that each partner chooses the other every day.

Joe Blessings last blog post..Day 20 After Break-up-Blessed Anger
Jonesi

Kim you ARE the winner!!! I love that answer and vow to use it in my marriage. Ok fam I will admit I do have some concerns going into this marriage but I love him too much to penalize him for the person he is now versus the person I know God can help him become…and the same goes for me as well. I am in love…and at times I hate it lol…but outside of all the soulmate jargon, I can’t wait to marry my best friend. But I will be clear and say I am not in the business of changing people because I know I only have control of myself. But people mature…By the way I am about to do a research project and I have found studies done on how birth order can contribute or hinder marital success….hmm…that would be an intersting discussion here
I am the eldest and so is my fiance…yall can’t even imagine how much two ppl use to calling the shots in their separate lives have a hard time compromising in an relationship lol….
Anna

@ Jonesi,
I am the eldest and so is my fiance…yall can’t even imagine how much two ppl use to calling the shots in their separate lives have a hard time compromising in an relationship lol….
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Hubby and I are both the “middle child. Maybe that explains why we debate but most of the time it’s on neutral grounds, we agree to disagree and tomorrow is a new debate. LOL. First born children get all the attention from their parents and until the second kid comes along and they take a role as being the boss and they are always right, basically they have earned the right in their place in the kid pool to bully, boss around their sibling and dare them to be a tatteletale. Once I had my 3rd kid I realized that one was not only spoiled by parents but the first two previous siblings had yet another kid for the first born to boss around. They never did tattle on each other or bully but they did like being “The Boss”. I want to find research about the last child marrying a spouse who is also the baby in the family. I know a couple like this. They got married at a young age. They are no longer married, but did they get married because the older siblings left the nest and they were left or did they get married because they were young and thought by looking at older siblilngs that did it that they could manage it too? Did they get married because they were lonely and felt like an only child that were left with mom and dad? So many questions.
MissJay

I’m loving the comments I’ve read.

I think it is a learning process when you’re dating or have boyfriends/girlfriends. I agree with Harriet that it lets you know what you will and will not tolerate or what you can and can’t handle from your significant other.
http://joeblessing.wordpress.com/ Joe Blessing

So how does a solid relationship, one that has no abuse, cheating, or major incompatibilities just fall apart in 3 or 4 months. There must be something in the person that is leaving (my case my ex-fiance) that I missed? Something that when it came down to it, kept them from being able to move to the next step. What am I missing? I can’t say she was a bad girlfriend? She wasn’t.

Joe Blessings last blog post..Day 24 After Break-up
Anna

Joe Blessing said:
So how does a solid relationship, one that has no abuse, cheating, or major incompatibilities just fall apart in 3 or 4 months. There must be something in the person that is leaving (my case my ex-fiance) that I missed? Something that when it came down to it, kept them from being able to move to the next step. What am I missing? I can’t say she was a bad girlfriend? She wasn’t
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Sometimes it does not have to do with “us”, but them. Maybe she got scared or thought she was going to lose her idenity. Maybe she had “A Wall Built” and is not ready for you to crack it. It could also be something so simple as someone thinking she is not “worthy” and doesn’t want to bring you into her life/world for fear of rejection. Everyone has a “crackhead, jail bird or a pev uncle in the family. Most want to appear perfect in their mates eyes.
Joe you did not mention what the next step could/should have been. Did she not want kids, can she not have kids, was she a stripper in her past? Does she not believe in GOD or gave a baby up for adoption. Your comment is well respected but it’s an open one. I know you only asked a question in your comment but did you ever ask her?
Were you too needy, clingy, neat freak, slob, too short, too fat, too unmotivated? It could be anything with some women. If you don’t find out the answer you will never be able to fully move foward. There is nothing wrong with asking a question to her that you really don’t know the answer to. I have found out a long time ago to not ask a question that you already know what the answer is.
http://joeblessing@wordpress.com joe blessing

All the things you mentioned in terms of questions, we spoke about, Kids, where we would live, God, no abuse in her background or nothing crazy like that. The only thing you mention that I think about has been that earlier in the year I was having a time figuring out where my next career move was gonna be. I was not really sure what I wanted to do. Don’t get me wrong, I had a job, and a good one, but I was a little unfocused as I tried to figure this out. I thought maybe that plus others things I don’t know may have made the attraction go down. But a friend of mine tells me, “if that’s true, then that means she can only love and want you when you’re at your perfect self? If that’s the case she’s in for a world of her hurt, cause SHE won’t be at her perfect self all the time either, and she might not, probably will not have someone like you to see her through it.” As for clingy, no i was not. She’s lives 3 hrs away right now, its not possible to actually smother someone at that distance. I mean I guess you could if you called 5 times a day, but I never did that. And while I’m sad, and depressed, and want her back, I won’t let her say I did things I did not do. So when she tried to say I was smothering her, I told her to give me examples, and she couldn’t. At which point i told her, just because you feel something does not make it true, so either you’re making stuff up, or your feeling has to do with something else.

I’ve asked her what it is, and as some here who have read my blog about this situation and how I’m trying to deal with it know, what she says does not really make sense. Unless, she’s lying or she is confused as hell. Neither is good for me or us, as the longer this goes on, and the more pain I feel, the less likely I will be able to or want to regain what we had.

joe blessings last blog post..January Wrap-Up