Last week we did an interview on Mindstream Radio and I mentioned that you needed to have a plan before going into a marriage. They asked me to elaborate and I went into a few things but wanted to talk about it more here. Some people I’ve talked to that are experiencing real relationships problems seem to have those issues due to lack of a clear plan up front. You know the old saying, “If you fail to plan, you can plan to fail”.
When you enter into a relationship with that other person you’re coming from two different backgrounds, two different histories and two totally different points of view. Before your heart takes you away you need to sit down and have a discussion to make sure the plan you have is the same one or similar to what they are thinking. Here are a few things I think you should talk about with your plan:
1. Children – Do you plan on having any? How many do you want? If one person already has kids are they willing to have more? Seems simple enough but I’ve seen people not address this then get into a relationship and be ready to leave because their spouse doesn’t want any or anymore kids.
2. Finances - We’ve talked about it before. You need to know what’s up with each other’s money and spending habits. Is their credit score jacked up because they’ve been out of work due to the recession or because Louis Vuitton keeps calling them?
3. Religion – Can you come into agreement on religion? Do you want someone that worships like you? Do you require that they hold the same beliefs? If you hold two different belief systems how will you raise your kdis?
4. Goals – Do your goals match up or even make sense? Both of you write down one year, three year and five year goals for your family. When finished compare and discuss. This wil tell you a lot about where you each think your family should go.
BMWK what other topics should you plan on? How about where to live? Will someone stay at home to raise the kids? There are plenty of others, lets add more.
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5. Friends-(of the opposite sex) Outlining your expectations and guidelines for this can be important. What are the parameters of opposite sex friendships if you agree that they are ok? (i.e. taking on the phone, acceptable activities, visiting their home etc.). Do you expect pre-marital friendships to cease or be restricted? What about Ex’s?
6) Activities as a Couple. How much time do you realistically want /expect to spent with your spouse? Is it acceptable for one of you to go off on vacation alone or with the girls? How about a boys night every week? Is it okay for your spouse to hit the club without you?
i would add that you need to not only talk about credit scores, but your future financial plans. how would you feel if you’ve been a good saver investing in your 401k and retirement only to find out that your spouse hasn’t been?
Great post. I would add the following to the list:
1. Taking care of elderly family members; is it okay for granny to move in?
2. Careers; we will change jobs several times in our lives; is your spouse willing to stick with theirs to allow your to pursue something different?
3. Family’s health history.
4. Love-making habits; you may not like what she likes–find out up front.
5. Discipline; parents must always stand as one in front of the kids; no ifs, ands, or buts.
Thomas
@Thomas
I LOVE your #5. I don’t like to see when parents differ in limits with their children. It makes it too easy for the child to play the parents against eachother. I’ve seen it happen plenty of timee. No personal experience because my parents were on the same page. The closest I would have came to was “go ask your mother/father”. A lot of times I got “what did your mother/father say?”.
I think the most important thing missing here is communication. You need to spell out what your expectations are for communication: how you talk and how you best receive communication. That’s huge.
Moreover, I think just about anything should be fair game for a relationship “plan”. If it’s something you need to make things work, write it down.
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