Arguing a Lot Lately? Maybe It’s Your Fault

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on February 5th, 2009 | 7 comments

When my husband and I had our first kid, we went through this period of bickering, silent treatment and all-out war. We argue about the dishes, the trash, who changed the baby last, who made dinner, who didn’t make dinner, who REFUSES to make dinner, etc. It was quite a tense time in our house.So when I got pregnant with our second last year, I tried to prepare myself for the crankiness of the postpartum period, the anger that’s found beneath days of sleepless nights, and the atmosphere that makes big arguments out of little disagreements.

Our cranky period lasted only the first month, which I think was a vast improvement over the six-month war we declared on each other the first time around.

The difference was that I began to look at my role in the disagreements. What was I doing that was contributing to the stress? I noticed a few things:

My level of respect for my husband would drop dramatically every time we added new responsibilities to the household. I would talk to him any kind of way, even going so far as to call him “worthless” during one particularly heated argument. I still regret that those words came out my mouth.

I was only focusing on the negatives. Instead of being happy that he had a special gift with the kids and was able to get them to sleep within five minutes of taking them into his arms, I would fuss about the fact that he hadn’t made dinner or washed clothes. If I had looked at what he was actually contributing to our household, I would have been a lot more patient with him.

When I got stressed, I tended to raise my voice, which, in his mind, was equivalent to yelling. If I made a conscious effort to keep my voice level, he would be apt to listen to what I had to say.

So much of my stress would come from asking him to do something, waiting five minutes, and then getting upset when it wasn’t done in a specific time frame.

Once I determined this, we quit fighting with each other. We don’t bicker, things work smoothly and we are a genuinely happy couple. Now:

I always remember how much I love him before I begin a conversation that could end in an argument. I use the “Drop-dead rule” when I’m upset about something. The “Drop-dead rule” in essence is this: How would I feel if he dropped dead, right in the minute of the conversation? Would I be distraught? If the answer is yes, then I have to chill out. If my reaction would be, “Good!” then obviously he’s done something so wrong our marriage can’t be saved.

I appreciate every thing he does now, from the way he meticulously cleans the kitchen to how he drops the kids off and picks the kids up from daycare every day. I would shoot myself if I had to do that. He also does my daughter’s hair. I would rather gouge out my eyes than tackle her long, curly hair.

I try not to yell so much. It’s hard and if you ask my husband, he still says I yell too much, but at least I’m aware of it now. I really have to watch this one because my daughter has started doing it too.

To get my needs met, I have to be specific about my requests. No more, “Honey, can you put the clothes in the dryer?” Now it’s, “Can you put the clothes in the dryer after the game goes off? Thanks.”

I know our arguments weren’t entirely my fault, but rather than banging my head against the wall trying to change other people (which DOESN’T WORK) I decided to change myself. I’d say it works.

How about you? Have you ever changed your ways in order to get along with people? How did it work out?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

dede

HEY (P. PETE)NOTICE THE SECOND SENTENCE? HERE WE GO AGAIN ABOUT WHO’S MAKING DINNER.
Harriet

I’m stealing the “Drop Dead Rule,” Tara. That’s so outstanding! My husband and I have been fussing a lot as of late, and I have to say that a good 65% of it is my fault. He’s the one with the tendency to raise his voice when he gets angry or frustrated, and when that happens, I no longer listen, no matter how right he is. I just don’t like being talked to any kind of way. I took that crap in the military…I don’t want to take it at home.

The thing about me is this…even though I don’t listen while he’s yelling (or “raising his voice”) the words still get through after I’ve sat down and taken a deep breath. Then I’ll either call him back or sit down with him or even e-mail him to apologize for my role and to also ask him to soften his tone with me if he wants to get his point across in a timely manner. Otherwise I’m just going to have to go lick my wounds and separate the words from the way they were spoken before being able to get the point. That could take anywhere from 15 minutes to three days, depending on the severity of what is said.

But your article is right on time. This woman right here is TIRED of fussing. My emotional bank account is drained, and if we keep fussing, it’s going to go into NSF status. I needed this.
LaKeysha

Yup! I am definately a contributer to our problems. The Bible says a man/women is always right in their own eyes. So as much as I think I know it all, I can be hell on wheels with my husband!

So I’ve learned to do this. When me and my husband argue/get angry i get on my kness and pray. First, that God would show me how to change me to improve our relationsip. Then I pray-not that God would change my Honey-but that he would continue to guide, strengthen and bless him in everything he does.

Whew! I cannot begin to tell you how hard this is sometimes because my pride gets in the way. I’ve only been doing this for about 2 months but it has had glorious results. Sometimes the situation improves sometimes not. But even when the situation doesnt change, I’ve changed and I’m better for it and better equipped to handle it.
MissJay

@Harriet

I have that problem too with my fiancé’s raising of the voice. I do the exact same thing and not listen. I actually go so far as to walk away and making sure he can see me do it. But I also have the same problem of raising my voice when I’m irritated with him. So there’s some things we both need to work on.
ewok

When I first had my babygirl, it was after a C-Section and my honey kept letting family and friends come to the house. My hair was crazy, I was learning how to take care of a child while in excruciating pain, and I was doing all of this while in a fog of pain killers (which make you feel incapable of taking care of your child because you are so woozed out..lol.)
The tricky things about harmones is you have these thoughts in your head and you expect everybody to be on board. Not true!

Communicating after you calm down, I have learned, is the most important factor in resolving issues.

Had I had my child in my twenties and not my thirties,I would have gone nutzo! lol!
So, yes, everything is not ’911′ for me now and I have learned to roll with the punches.
http://theyoungmommylife.com Tara Pringle Jefferson

@ dede – I usually make dinner every day for my family and after my C-section I expected my husband to step up and cook. I admit I had watched A Baby Story one too many times, but hey, is it unreasonable to ask for the love of your life to cook you dinner after you’ve birthed his child? I think not. LOL.

@ Harriet – I always tell people the drop dead rule is pretty straightforward and severe. But it gets the job done!

@ LaKeysha – I’ve had to pray for God to change ME instead of my husband as well. It’s selfish to wish for another person to change. I married him as he was. If he wants to change to make himself a better person, more power to him.

@ MissJay – My husband almost never raises his voice so when he does, I have to stay there because I know he’s pissed! LOL

@ ewok – Recovering from a C-section is no joke! That pain is pretty rough the first couple of weeks….

Tara Pringle Jeffersons last blog post..Tasty tip: Fake out meals
Anna

Arguing a Lot Lately?
Hubby and I are not arguing any less or any more. We debate. He makes me see things from a black males point of view and I enlighten him on the “Anna” point of view. LOL. I want to take my comment in a different direction. Are some ppl arguing more because of the recession and they can’t do what they use to? Meaning are some fighting more because their spouse is home more than normal or not home as usual. If I am not at work I am at home. I am a home body by natue where as hubby has not stopped doing is daily routine even when gas prices were sky high he still went to the gym or to visit a family member. He did not disrupt what I am use to. We do enjoy each others company but I like my unwind time after a mentally challenging day at the office while he unwinds going to the gym a few times a week. As long as he knows where home is it doesn’t matter. Everyone needs “me” time.