Dear BMWK, I Want My Husband To Take Off The Extra Weight

Dear BMWK

by Lamar Tyler | on February 23rd, 2009 | 24 comments

Dear BMWK,
First off, I am so completely head over heels in love with this site! I have gained countless “cool points” from my husband during football season for asking those educated questions that I was given by “The Dad!” Thanks again but now I have another issue. My husband is taking on the body of a doughboy!

Ok, I must say I have personally always been attracted to men with an athletic build. My husband played college football and was in very good shape due to the rigorous workout schedule. During his last year of college he tore his ACL and had to have surgery. I think the idea of having to stay off of the field and miss his normal workout routine took a toll on him and made it easier for him to use food for comfort.

Fast forward 8 years later and he still uses this an excuse for his gaining weight. I personally attend the gym between 4-5 per week and am desperately trying to get him motivated to join me. I was able to get him to go play basketball and run drills with me one day last week but I am scared that he won’t commit to making this lifestyle change. I asked him halfway through December when would he start getting back into the gym, his response was “January 1st.” It’s safe to say the first never came. I make it a habit to ask him every couple of weeks and it is always the same response, I’ll start on Monday. As you can imagine this is getting quite old.

We have only been married for 2 years but his lack of motivation for healthy living is involuntarily affecting me. I am noticing that I won’t or sometimes hesitate engaging in sexual acts because of his unappealing new size. It doesn’t help that he has an aunt that tells him regularly that he looks like he lost weight and is really looking good! I’m just hoping that I can get him to reverse this new found shape that he is carrying! I have tried using positive reinforcements and am running out of options.

I guess my question is what can I do to motivate him to take off all of this added weight?

HIS View:

Leave a copy of bodybuilding magazine with some big buffed dude on the cover and a free membership to the gym on the coffee table and hope he gets the clue. Nah, just kidding. It seems like you’re doing a lot of the right things like: doing it yourself and trying to add him into your routine. When you ask him about it are you doing it in a joking way or letting him know this is an actual concern of yours? Does he really know how this is affecting you? Sometimes us fellas don’t really get it when you ladies think we do. Make sure he knows and don’t assume. Like I said, it sounds like you’re doing the right thing just stay diligent and continue to lead by example.

HER View:

Are you in charge of the groceries and the menu? If so you can start by making sure there are healthier foods in the home. Keep encouraging him to exercise with you. Instead of asking him to go to the gym start out by asking him to take a romantic walk with you and build up from there. Talk to him about his health and if you’re concerned about that let him know, and explain that you want him to be around as long as possible for you and your kids if you have any.

BMWK, you know what do do. Let your fellow reader know your thoughts on this one. Have you been in this situation? What should she do?

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Anonymous

Honestly, I don’t think that you have a leg to stand on.
If he’s been sedentary for 8 years, chances are…when you married him 2 years ago he was not fit or health conscious.
From your post, it doesn’t sound like you’ll have recently had that in common.
And now, you,like most women just wanted a husband and thought you could change him once you married him.
I understand that he is your husband now and you care about his health but, you made a conscious choice to marry him just the way he was (don’t forget the for better or WORSE…lol)
Why you trip’n now?
If you know what you’ve “always” liked, why marry a man in the first place that you knew had the potential to eventually physically disgust you to the point of not wanting to have sex?
http://www.lovetospare.com Michael

He’s a guy, so I think you can afford to be more direct:

Honey, you know how important fitness is to me. Would you be willing to join me in the gym a few days a week?

And if he still doesn’t get the message, then add:

It’s just that you’ve been putting on some weight and I’m concerned it may affect your health and OUR love life.

Note: This advice is for wives only! DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME IF YOU’RE A MAN!

Your emphasis, however, should always be on sharing how you feel and communicating what’s important to you. It should never be on trying to change him. If he’s unresponsive to your request, then you will have to find some other way to come to terms with him – which will likely mean changing yourself.

Michaels last blog post..Appreciate The Woman In Your Life
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

Michael, for the most part I agree with but here’s my 2 cents.

He’s a man, like a “regular” dude?
Is he visually sexually stimulated?

Yes, Ok, be direct and let him know it is affecting how you feel about him sexually. Let him know that you don’t expect him to be like ________ (fill in the blank) because it is not happening over night but let him know that the doughboy couch potato does not turn you on.

Personally in any relationship, I would definitely communicate how I feel about physical presentation. Understanding that change will come from within, Michael, I would do the very opposite. I will tell my lady in a hearbeat, that doesn’t fly with me. That extra weight or the weight loss is turning me off. Period. I’m not trying to sugar coat it. This is should be expressed in the very beginning of a serious relationship. So there is no secret or mystery. She or he should no what’s important to you especially when it comes to health.

After all, if your spouse begins to develop a poor drinking or smoking habit wouldn’t you let them know that’s not cool with you? I just think that it is something they should already know. 8 years??? Heck yeahh!!

VEe!s last blog post..The Predator
http://www.lovetospare.com Michael

@VEe!

Well, if we taking about marriage, I think we have to look at things over a lifetime.

Presentation tends to fade over time; and yet, despite this, marriage tends to strengthen over time. How is this so?

I think it’s because if we stick with marriage and love, inevitably our values also mature and change over time. We come to learn that inner beauty is more lasting and satisfying than outer presentation. And once we learn to value what’s inside more than its presentation, we see that there is always a need for sweetness and tact.

BTW, I really like your artwork.

Michaels last blog post..Appreciate The Woman In Your Life
LaKeysha

I think you can afford to be a little more direct with a guy. So since you’ve tried to be subtle and tactful, just come right out and tell him what you told us.

Honey, I love the heck outta you but I need to you take better care of yourself, for your health and our relationship. I dont expect physical fitness to be your main job, like it was in college, but I find you to be your sexiest when youre a little slimmer.
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

Mike, I hear you.
I’ll love and respect my wife even if she gained 50lbs. But at some point I will have to voice some serious concern, I just prefer the direct approach.

Fortunately we both feel the same way about fitness.
Thanks for checking out the blog!!

VEe!s last blog post..The Predator
Natural_Oasis

@ The Dad- I am actually in the military so gym membership isn’t an issue, we have full free use of any gym on any base. We live within 15-20minuetes to 3 bases in the DMV area. There really is no excuse as to why we can’t get it together. We also live in a quite suburban area, taking a walk is possible. I’m hoping that some of this advice helps!

@ Anonymous- Actually, I didn’t just want a husband we have been dating for 14 years. I knew there were things that I didn’t like in the begining so we worked to overcome those issues and we married when we were ready. It was never my intention to change him as he already was in shape, it’s now an issue because I can see that he is putting on weight. I just feel that if it is in my power to work towards us being able to enjoy more healthy fun-filled years together why wouldn’t I work towards it?

@ Micheal- I appreciate the positive feedback and will try your suggestions, it is worth a shot!

@ VEe- The problem is that he somewhat feels like you, if there is a problem you should address the issue. The issue is feels that the woman needs to maintain her sexy but he is much more relaxed on what the guy needs to do in order to mke sure that the woman is visually satisfied. This is definitely not ok with me.

@ Lakeysha- Thank you so much for your input! It’s blunt, to the point and maybe what he needs.

I appreciate all of the feedback concerning this issue.
Natural_Oasis

@ The Mom- I didn’t mean to leave you out! I am actually in charge of the grocery shopping. He loves cooking and is really into healthy food but the problem isn’t so much as what he eats but how much he eats. He doesn’t practice portion control, he eats like he is still with the football team at the buffet! We eat alot of salmon, veggies and fruit but when you consume so much while drink beer all week and not exercising it eventually will catch up with you.
We have a 2 year old son so I would like to make sure that his (my husbands) tunnel vision doesn’t spill over into our son thinking that lack of movement is ok.
We use to stay home and have mixed drinks while watching movies but since I am spending more time in the gym I consume alcohol less then once a week. I just want to get on the same page and use this as more couple time.
Anna

You have already tried to be subtle and that did not work. When I know there is something that is in the best interest of my husband I do exactely what a wife is suppose to do in situations that directly affect me. I bring out the wife in me, I have to resort to nagging. I know it sounds terrible but being I am not one to do it constantely it seems to do the trick. My hubby lost weight by simply staying away from bread and soda. By changing our menus the lbs will come off. If I fry chicken one day I won’t do it the following I will bake the pork chops or put them on the George Foreman.
Pingback: Anonymous
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

@Natural_Oasis,
I totally agree with you and I’ve often heard that tired, really tired viewpoint. “A man can a little gut on him, but the woman needs to keep herself really tight.” Pardon my language but that is bull-crap.

It doesn’t matter where you live, you can take a walk, go for a light run anywhere. Free access to a gym 15-20 minutes away, yeah, pretty much no excuse.

Good luck, I think its time for me to do my morning push-ups.

———
@Anna, nagging?!? “OMG, please stop, don’t do that, I’ll do it, just stop please.”

VEe!s last blog post..Drawing Hands
Sasha

I think that if you put a positive twist on it, it might work really well. For instance, when he does go for a walk with you, or go to the gym with you, halfway through, you start telling him how HOT you are getting thinking about him flexing his muscles, and that you can’t wait to SHOW him EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN as soon as you get home and in the showers.

Then, if you had a secret stash of some specialties (like lingerie, special massage lotions, etc…) tucked away for after the workouts, he might start to see working out as a really great thing!!

After exercising awhile, the endorphins will kick in, and he will start to realize how much better he feels after a workout, but I think the sweeter you can make the pot in the beginning, the more enthusiastic he will be.

Good luck!
Patra

My thoughts…as a married sista.

I know this may not be the politically correct thing to say, but here goes…it is the responsibility of both spouses to keep themselves fit and attractive as possible…IF they were so when they married.

The wife has every right to expect her husband to get back in shape. And her husband has an obligation and responsibility to do so. Sex and sexual attraction is a very important part of marriage. If this man values his marriage, he should hit the gym ASAP. In the meantime, she can keep encouraging him…in a positive way…to join her in her workouts.

As for women (or men) who chose to marry an overweight or obese spouse — you can encourage the spouse to lose some weight for health reasons. But trying to change them because now you’ve decided you want a husband with a six pack or a wife with an hourglass figure, isn’t fair.
Harriet

@ patra,

that’s great wisdom right there. i agree wholeheartedly.

i’ve known some married folks that wanted their spouses to actually put on some weight, when they had a medium build to begin with (they weren’t bony or anything). i wonder what the commentary on the flip side of this issue would be.
Jonesi

For some reason I am not feeling the deceptive nature encouraged as a method to get the partner in shape. I say this because I have put on a significant amount of weight since I started college, which happened to be the same time I met my fiance. Truth be told when I was built like a video girl I wasn’t truly happy, so now that I have an appearance to truly be unhappy about, rather than focus solely on the weight gain, I am constantly feeding my spirit trying to uncover the reasons and behavior that caused me to get to this place. Now while I agree sex is indeed important in a relationship, having a partner with healthly, stable self-esteem is more of a priority – to me (and yes this does apply to men as well). There is a reason her husband gained the weight. Most people don’t let themselves go out of pure lack of concern….there is some type of internal struggle that needs attention and nurturing. So to be honest, my partner coming to me with a superfical platform of concern for my weight would be totally ineffective…but that’s just me

[The above statement does not apply to ALL situations - I suppose there are some people who just like to unconsiously eat for the hell of it]

What I suggest is visually showing the person how they have changed. Then help them assess the behavioral differences that [probabaly] have resulted from it. Research [together] the importance of living a healthy lifestyle. Most of all be genuine – it is ok to tell your partner how it has and is affecting you; just don’t be surprised by the negative response! As visual creatures, we have to be careful not to let that blind the real connections that made us fall in love with our partners in the first place…looks should have JUST been the attention getter. If that statement is untrue…then the weight gain is merely a cover-up of the real issue anyway…..

But it is important to maintain flaterring appearence for one another, regardless of size
T. Rogers

Jonesi is definitely going in the right direction. The question is why is he no longer motivated to keep himself in shape? He was a college football player at one point. Being in shape was second nature to him. Then he sustained a devastating injury. No doubt that injury ruined his college football career. Maybe it left some psychological scars as well. What is going on in his mind and/ or heart that has caused him to lose motivation? Was an NFL career a possibility for him?

There may be some emotional or self esteem issues going on. If that is the case wanting him to be slimmer for visual/sexual purposes is the wrong direction for the solution. Please don’t take that the wrong way. No one wants to see their spouse completely let themselves go. However, your husband was not always like this. Something somewhere changed.

The outer appearance is simply a reflection of certain inner perceptions. My guess is somewhere his perception of himself may be lacking. The answer may not be a treadmill. It may be helping him reconcile any negative feelings he may have about himself. It may be helping him get over some personal failures that may be haunting him. I’m just throwing things out there, but I’m sure you get the point.
Sasha

I agree, T Rogers, but the converse can also be true: when you start hitting the treadmill and getting your circulation going and begin to get back in shape, you begin to feel better about yourself, and this translates into every other aspect of your life.

It could be personal failures that are haunting him, but it could also just be bad habits that he has formed. He has not been in shape for 8 years (this is what I got from the post), so it could just be that he started sitting down in front of the tv and got into that habit instead of taking a walk or hitting the gym.

We all take actions which become patterns which become habits which then constitute who we are…all of this can change- we just need to take different actions. Every race won begins with just one small step.
Jonesi

@Sasha – I agree with you…and most of all your comment speaks to the aspect of promoting a healthier lifestyle beyond the benefit of enhancing one’s appearance. Bad habits are formed quickly and they are very hard to break once they become routine behavior. While it is valid to want your partner to look nice, focusing on their health mentally will ultimately change them physically….
NaturalOasis

@ T Rogers….he was being looked at by the NFL. Him injurying his knee definitely deferred his dream of playing pro. My thing is you can’t just get out the game, you can choose to play a different position. He loves coaching so I tell him why won’t you go back to coaching the kids (he use to in the past during the summer). I just feel like if he does something it will spark an interest into him wanting to get back active.
All that I want is for us to get on the same page and find a way to continually motivate each other to stay on the right path. My desire is in no way superficial I just want the best for me and my family!
http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

@NaturalOasis- I really appreciate your honesty. That’s one of the things I really want for the site above all else is for us couples to be able to come on here and keep it real and you’ve done that
http://joeblessing@wordpress.com joe blessing

Jonesi is right there is another issue there. I’ve been in a similar position a looong time ago in college with a young lady I was in a LTR with, and tried some of the same things. I discovered that a) there was something bothering her that she had not dealt with, b) it is easier to not workout or eat right than go through all that trouble, especially if you believe your mate should love and be attracted to you as much as before [a somewhat silly notion to me at the time, but hey I was young], c) this type of conversation is ALWAYS easier to talk about when the person with the weight issue is a guy. If its in reverse, us men get reamed. lol
Butterfly

Hey girl. I feel you.. My spouse was heavy since day one. I explained to him in the beginning his weight was a problem considering my ex-husband was bow-legged and was physically fit. If I could encourage you I’ll tell you keep loving on him as if he were still his college weight. Please don’t allow the enemy to let you see him as unattractive. Still tell him he’s fine and you still got eyes for him only. What I have done is changed our diet habits completely and I tell my husband I want him around with the kids and I for a long time. I ask him how he feels about himself and I build him up. Girl next thing you know he poured out his heart and said he hated the way he looked and knew the weight was bothering me. Trust me he doesn’t like the way he looks but he needs you to help him. Love on him more and keep making love cause that sweating rises the metabolism. Please don’t deny him sex that’s a sin sis. You know GOD says it’s his will that we be in good health and prosper as our soul prospers.(Let this be the scripture for his health) Pray and fast together. As a wife you continue to pray for him and ask GOD of ways to help him also. All is well.
NaturalOasis

@ Butterfly……whew!
Thank you for those words of encouragement, I/we truly needed that. I guess I hadn’t looked at it from that perspective, I never stopped to think of how he maybe feeling with the extra weight. I feel like I just walked out of the tunnel and now I see just a little more clearly now. I will definitely maintain the spice while motivating and encouraging him every moment I get.
I do let him know that my main concern is that we are around for each other for as long as possible and that I want to make sure that we are both showing our son how to live life thru healthy eating and staying active.
I would like to thank everyone for all of the helpful advice!
http://bigthicket.lamar.edu/Members/plone/ Marnina

Hi guys. Someone’s boring me. I think it’s me.
I am from Liberia and now study English, please tell me right I wrote the following sentence: “And press release ip contains an analysis of how a solidarity contribution on airline tickets might be used by eu member states as.”

Thanks . Marnina.