Who Do You Lean On?
In an effort to balance out the voices on BMWK we’d like to introduce you to the first of a few new brothas that we’ll have contributing to the site. Please check him out, show him some love in the comment section and take a look at his blog when you’re done.
by Eric Payne
At the beginning of love, I loved being needed. Like many men, I enjoy being a “fixer” — the go-to guy with the plan who sees things through to the solution. When I first fell for my wife I always wore my thoughtful hat and when she was going through a tough time I did my best to:
1. assure her everything was going be okay;
2. offer my most sincere advice;
3. reach out to friends or pool my resources (whether she asked or not) to help remedy the situation;
4. I did all of this.
But time passed, our love matured and in my case, the kids came first. When we were married my stepson was eleven and my daughter was a little more than a year old. That shoulder that once was always there willing to do back flips isn’t what it used to be. A rough day outside the comfort zone of my home, or a heavy evening with the kids can render me tone deaf and useless to my wife’s needs, and vice versa. I’m guilty at times, while my wife is venting to me, of thinking to myself, “I got problems too, lady.” Slowly but surely without recognizing or realizing it, my tender and thoughtful advice became a combination of restrained exasperation and short lectures on what she needs to do to avoid trouble. Of course, this never goes over well. The funny thing about living with someone is that on the days when the shoe is on the other foot and I need her, her once “soothing” advice sounds just about as chastising as mine.
Because of what I’ve just described more than a few men I know feel they can’t share anything other than good news with their wives. Although I occasionally feel the same way, I strive not to remain in this place for long. Things have the potential to go very wrong once you’re here. No matter how strong, real or imagined, everyone needs a shoulder to lean on (maybe even cry) or a good, solid piece of advice for the rough times. If you don’t feel you are able to find this at home, you may begin to look for it elsewhere, consciously or unconsciously. Advice and consolation sought outside the home runs the risk of keeping the seeker outside the home. It can take the form of spending time with old friends, finding new ones, or worse, diving headfirst into vices such as liquor and strip clubs to ease the pain. The worst of these scenarios is letting in the “harmless” friend of the opposite sex who’s all too willing to lend an ear, a shoulder, or a bed. Often this risk is overlooked and even dismissed by people in marriages. It shouldn’t be.
There’s no denying the good counsel of close friends, strong family ties and the occasional kindness of strangers. Having these people around adds balance, perspective and depth to the totality of you and your spouse and can ultimately strengthen your relationship. But I believe my wife and I should be our first shoulders to lean on when things go wrong or get tough. First, it keeps things transparent between the two of us. Second, there’s no denying the bond of intimacy that exists when two people are each other’s rock. Finally, similar to not wanting your child to learn about sex in the street, I don’t want the love of my life exposed to any and all kinds of advice. It’s not about control. It’s about being on the same page as much as possible, as often as possible. I like surprises. Just not in my marriage.
So how do you get back to this place of mutual understanding and support if you’re not there anymore? How do you keep from losing sight of this place? It all depends on the people in the relationship and their investment in it. Sadly, at times I’ve had to see that I’ve hurt my wife for me to “get it”. But lately we’ve both been putting into practice taking a step back from the things we get wrapped up in — jobs, dreams, the daily rat race — to take stock in who we are and what it was that brought us together in the first place. Taking stock means going on dates, making an effort to talk before the kids wake up and after they go to bed, giving compliments to one another when they are due and keeping the lines of communication open. It’s these and other little meaningful things that make it easy to run to the one you love when the big things arrive at your doorstep to give you grief.
Originally from Chicago, Illinois, Eric Payne lives with his wife and kids just outside of New York City, where he works in the non-profit sector. He writes about married life and fatherhood at MakesMeWannaHoller.com and is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories.
BMWK Partners
Pingback: Anonymous