Want to Improve Your Marriage? Turn on the TV!

Relationships

by Lamar Tyler | on February 27th, 2009 | 17 comments

I was reading an article on crosswalk.com that outlined two simple characteristics developed between spouses that can revolutionize a marriage, whether that marriage is on the rocks or just in need of some fine tuning: transparency and vulnerability.

To be transparent means to be free from pretense or deceit, easily detected or seen through, readily understood and characterized by visibility or accessibility of information. Ladies, this means that when our husbands or significant others ask us, “What’s wrong, baby?” we don’t respond with a curt “NOTHING!” or “I’m FINE!” unless, of course, it’s the truth. Gentlemen, this means that when your wives or significant others ask you, “How was your day?” you don’t answer with one word responses like, “Fine,” or “Good.”

I find it ironic that the meaning of transparency for men and women can be so different. For me personally, transparency means that I do not fish for affirmation, but actually come out and tell my husband what my needs are. Otherwise, I don’t have the right to get angry when my husband refuses to play the vicious contact sport of trying to figure out what’s on my mind.

For men, on the other hand (and gentlemen, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong), transparency means something much more simple: JUST A FEW MORE WORDS. I asked my husband to pretend that his day was a basketball game and give me a play by play as opposed to a one word answer.
Nevertheless, both meanings have a prerequisite of vulnerability that is quite difficult to cultivate, even in a marriage.

To be vulnerable means to make oneself capable to be emotionally wounded, or open to attack or damage. A person can be as real and transparent as they want to be, but with that comes an inherent risk of harm.

For both parties, vulnerability means full exposure of secrets and emotional hot spots to one another. The trust a couple has in one another allows that exposure to take place, in spite of the fact that if handled improperly, those very issues could cause a person to explode.
It’s much easier to explain how to increase transparency in a relationship, but to increase vulnerability requires YEARS of practice, patience, and handling one another with care. Nevertheless, transparency and vulnerability has a guarantee to breathe new life into your marriage. Go ahead, turn the TV on!

God bless!

~ Harriet

About the author

Lamar and Ronnie Tyler are the creators of the award-winning blog BlackandMarriedWithKids.com . They also are behind the Amazon.com bestselling DVDs Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me and Men Ain’t Boys that explores manhood in the African American community. The Tylers are also the proud parents of four children.

Pingback: Anonymous
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

Whoa.
I understand what you’re saying in this article,
but what’s up with the stereotypical equation?
Men = ONE or TWO WORDS response?
Is it that bad, is that a consensus amongst many women?
Or is this stereotype picked up from popular culture?

Here’s just a quick thought, at what point in your relationship did you notice that your spouse communicated with 1 to 2 word responses? Was he (or possibly she) transparent in the beginning?

Is it really like that?
I’m just asking.

VEe!s last blog post..Fat Albert Remix Project
http://www.djednice.com DJ Ed Nice

You know, I agree with this article… A lot of times when I come home, I don’t have much conversation for my fiance. I talk, a lot, for a living in my line of business. Most times when I come home, I just am all talked out lol… I know women are generally more expressive then we men are & this helps me keep that in perspective…

From time to time, I find myself being aggravied because she is asking me all these questions – but I’m only talked out lol…
Harriet

@ Vee,

Statistically speaking, women tend to speak an average of 25,000 words per day. Men, on the other hand (based on statistics) speak an average of 10,000. That’s a huge difference. Statistics may actually equate to the stereotype you pointed out, though.

To answer your question, when my husband and I first met, his words were in abundance. Our conversations are what caused me to fall madly in love with him. However, life has a way of playing tricks on you. Initially when we got married, we weren’t using all our words in conversation. They were being used as weapons to lob at one another in heated arguments.

Then, there was a period when we both shut down. It was a tense cease fire, but because of it, our marriage almost dissipated since neither of us were talking.

Now we’ve reached a balance. I want to hear about everything, but my husband comes home exhausted. He doesn’t feel like expending any mental energy to have a long conversation about anything. We’ve found a balance for now in that he’s giving me a few more words. Still less than what I’d like, given the fact that one of the main reasons I chose him over all the other potetial suitors was because he knew how to carry on a conversation. However, I’m willing to understand and be content in this season.

Thank God seasons change, but you learn how to enjoy different aspect of them as they roll along.
Cindy

I tracked the article you mentioned down, read it and recognized myself and my husband in it. Thanks for sharing it. It definitely gives me something to think about.

However, I too am annoyed by the stereotypes portrayed above. And this isn’t the first time I’ve noticed it in posts on this site. I guess it jumps out at me because in my house, I’m the one of few words and my husband is of the “if you loved me, you’d know why I was upset” view. Neither behavior is exclusive to one sex. Unfortunately.
http://blackandmarriedwithkids.com TheDad

Nothing in life is absolute but there are characteristics that are more common in men than women and vice versa right? Not to say this is the case in your relationship but just because something doesn’t happen in my house I can’t say that it may not happen in most.

Harriet gave a statistic to support her case and I wouldn’t disagree with it even though I don’t fit into that category myself, I’m aware that this happens more times than not.

TheDads last blog post..Videos We Love – New Heavy D Song!!
Harriet

@ Cindy,

That was a GREAT article, wasn’t it?

@ TheDad,

I couldn’t have stated it better. Thanks for expressing that. Unfortunately, I am in the number where a few more words from my husband would make a huge difference. I’m glad that other women don’t have to deal with that; however, I’m sure if it’s not that, it’s something else. LOL
http://www.scritchandscratch.com/blog VEe!

@Harriet,
Check out this link concerning those stats. That myth has been debunked a while back. Folks gotta sell books.
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/Story?id=3348076&page=2

Yeah, nothing is absolute. When social scientist or economist for that matter brings these stats to the public’s attention usually there’s a book or an agenda being sold. Yesh, I’m a little cynical and can’t put too much stock into stats dealing with how humans socialize, particularly the word count stat. Nor do I think that women are more expressive than men, I still don’t know where that came from because that idea doesn’t cover content.

My co-worker wants to talk to her husband as soon as he gets home from work, while talking is the last thing on his mind. Their solution? Instead of forcing a conversation that didn’t require his immediate attention after a long stressful day from work she decided to give him an hour or 1.5 hour to relax and recuperate. It works well for them.

Harriet, believe it or not, it is possible to get him back to the point where your having a conversation beyond “I’m cool” or “It was all good,” I think it is just a matter of time and how you do it. Personally, I don’t think right after work is a good look, not-never.

How do you rekindle that initial passion from the beginning of a relationship? Work on communication. They say familiarity breeds contempt but in the case of relationships it may just produce complacency. I’m sure you know that you gotta switch it up, add variety to spice things up but maybe you can explain to him that a great conversation is like a great form of foreplay that will heat you up. Don’t be afraid to directly voice your needs and concerns. I’m just saying there ain’t no reason why it can not be how it used to be.
OK, I said way too much, I don’t know you like that and probably went way off topic.

“to pretend that his day was a basketball game and give me a play by play” . . .THAT’S CLASSIC!! I think I’ll do that with my wife one day. She’ll get a real kick out that or look at me like I’m crazy!!! Either way, I must do it.

. . . and thank you Cindy for sharing that.

VEe!s last blog post..Fat Albert Remix Project
http://rawdawgb.blogspot.com rawdawgbuffalo

wow
i dont own a tv

rawdawgbuffalos last blog post..you not gone leave me are you poppa
Harriet

ROFL @ rawdawg!

I’m assuming you just read the title of the article. LOL Trust me, it has nothing to do with television.

@ Vee,

You’re right…timing and circumstance make all the difference in the world. I’ve definitely learned that over the years.

The passion is being rekindled as we speak (no pun intended). We have definitely revitalized our marriage as of late, because we realized the truth in your statement about complacency.

It’s all about putting the work in and refusing to allow the fires to go out. Some couples have to work harder at it, but as long as they’re willing to put the work in, it will last for a lifetime.
Harriet

@ Vee

And don’t worry about saying too much…I’m all for JUST A FEW MORE WORDS. ROFL!!!

Seriously, though. I appreciate your comments.
Anna

DJ Ed Nice said:
A lot of times when I come home, I don’t have much conversation for my fiance. I talk, a lot, for a living in my line of business. Most times when I come home, I just am all talked out lol… I know women are generally more expressive then we men are & this helps me keep that in perspective…

~~~~~~~~~~~~
I talk so much at work that sometimes I am guilty of not wanting to talk at home. I have to free my mind after a hard days work. On a good note if I am so exhausted to talk I will out of courtisey ask hubby how his day went and he can tell me without any interruptions. LOL.
isitgd2u

I really liked this article, I liked it so much I printed out and gave it to my husband to read. Because we are at a point in our relationship that it needs a bost. I so get it but some time I feel I am the only one that does in our relaitonship. So thank you for the article.
Harriet

wow, @ isitgd2u,

thanks 4 the feedback! i would love to hear how your husband responded!
http://www.roflposters.com rofl

Ya, what did your husband say?
Anonymous
MsParker64

I agree the article is a good one and can be true from the perspective of a man or a woman. My significant other works the midnight shift, I work the day shift and we do not live together; however, we talk on a daily basis. When I come home from work (5:30-6:00pm) he is getting ready to take a quick nap before he has to get up and go to work; so our conversation is usually brief and I am the one doing all of the talking. When he gets off work (6:30-7:00am) I am getting up to go to work and again, our conversation is usually brief and he is the one doing all of the talking. Now, I am not a morning person and he expressed that I would be very short with him in the morning and my tone was very agitated when he asked a lot of questions.

I had to remind him of our situation and that we both had to make adjustments in our communications with each other because we are on a different time pattern. When I am energetic and need to conversate, he is relaxing before work; and when he is energetic and need to converstate, I am waking up and getting ready for work. This is difficult but we have made it work by spending a lot of time together on the weekends catching up on the events of the week.

Thanks for allowing me to share, it is very therapeutic.